Jon Cuthill's Blog

On a mission

2008-10-24T14:16:00.004+01:00

If I do nothing else this weekend I have to sort out the central heating. As previously mentioned now being in my mid to late thirties it's time for me to worry about such things as insulation. Have bought the necessary equipment to venture down into the cellar however so far the motivation to do it has not been forthcoming.

So this evening, I know it's a Friday, I Jon Cuthill will be playing with my pipes. It's a truly sad state of affairs that it's come to this. Fridays should be fun. At no point should the words central, heating, pipes or lagging feature in anybody's Friday. But tonight is the night.

Rest of the weekend looks like a spot of surfing (haven't checked forecast yet but there might be a bit about if the wind picks up), I think I'm going bowling (am rubbish but haven't been for years so may have unwittingly developed skill) and am working Saturday night with a group of ghost watchers. Can't say I believe I'm going to see anything but they seem like a fun lot so should be a giggle. Apparently everyone's taking cake.

Which is a good start.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday.

So here's the joke ...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies,' he responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

"Well ..., " he replies, " 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

========================
Mental Maths (with a Friday twist). Wasn't so much the maths today that was the problem so much as working out what the actual numbers were. Still - lots of right answers ....

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .....

A bakers dozen
plus a brace
add a score
take off the value of the green ball in snooker
divide by the number of turtle doves (12 days of xmas)
add in cockney terms a pony
add a a quarter of a century ...

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 66

Where is the love?

2008-10-23T15:35:00.002+01:00

This morning really reminded me of skiing.

Saying that I've never tried it. I'm a snowboarder and from day one as a boarder you're taught to be naturally suspicious of skiers. It may be the pastel all in one jumpsuits, it could be the head bands, it may even be the way they do a silly little jump turn as they plant a pole with their knees together and their bum sticking out.

Anyway whatever it is it's best to leave them well alone.

Today the cyclists and the motorists got stuck into each other over who was more of a menace on the roads. The pedal pushers claimed the drivers were giving them no respect, that they were being pushed off the road and that they're all inconsiderate and forget once they were on a pushbike too. The drivers were shouting back lights would be good at night, that red lights mean stop even for bikers and that they should get off the pavements.

I got the feeling they're never going to like each other but they may just one day learn to tolerate each other.

Why not one day everyone swap? All the motorists get on a bike. All the cyclists take a car.

I doubt it would solve anything but it would be bloody good fun and I bet a lot quicker to get into work.

So here's the joke ...

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.

"A talking dog!!!"

========================
I went soft on you today for Mental Maths but well done if you got a gold star. Even if you're fairly sure it takes nerves of steel to hand it in. Tomorrow comes the twist. Enjoy today.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 10

times 9
take off 8
minus 7
add 6
add 5
add 4
divided 3
divided by 2

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 15

Bad timing

2008-10-22T15:05:00.002+01:00

Timing has never been my strength. In fact thinking about it timing, or a lack of it, has often proved my downfall.

Today is a classic example. The lovely Kate Humble is due in (with Bill Oddie) to talk all things Autumn Watch. The sofa has been moved to Brownsea Island this time round so brace yourself for endless pictures of badgers, flappy things (birds I believe) and anything that dare move and/or look slightly alive.

Anyway - have never met her - but there are some people in life who you just think would be lovely if you ever did meet them. Kate Humble being a fine example. She seems to be the perfect girl to sit and watch a badger with - and to be fair - there aren't many people you can say that about.

The upshot of it is that just as I go she's due in and so like ships of the night we will never meet.

Mind you so far at no point in my life have I had the slightest inclination to sit in the dark on a damp patch of grass watching a fairly small, grey, slightly odd looking hairy thing.

But enough about Bill Oddie.

So here's the joke ...

Shakespeare has had a really hard day at the office. Not only was he trying to get over a small bout of writers block but his new secretary had just advised him she was pregnant and he knew that finding a temp was going to be time consuming and expensive.

As he left the office he should really have gone straight back to his wife, as they had friends coming for dinner, but he needed some down time.

So, to unwind, he drops into his local tavern on his way home. He walks quickly up the bar and says "A jar of your finest mead, please, bartender".

But the Inn Keeper replies "Get out. You're bard."

==============================
Mental Maths time and back to a more straight forward sum for you today. Lots of you liked the twist yesterday so get ready for more of that to come. First though here's today's.

Time for Mental Maths - proving the South can still add up without using a calculator or pen and paper ....

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 27

add 38
divided by 5
times 4
subtract 17
add 6
take off 21
treble it
and give me 20 percent of that ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12

Warning: boring entry do not read

2008-10-21T15:35:00.003+01:00

To be fair even Keith Richards must have the odd day when life doesn't quite seem too rock'n'roll.

Surely he can't always be driving a Rolls Royce into the hotel swimming pool. Occasionally he must actually want to watch tv instead of throwing it out of the window. (Mind you if Anne Robinson is on he may have a point.)

Anyway I feel I need to apologise for today's entry as I am about to bore you rigid with a story about lagging and central heating pipes. Please feel free to go back to Google and type "there must be something more interesting than that" into the search engine.

The fact of the matter is that it is now officially mid winter(ish). The central heating is now burning hotter than the sun in a hopeless bid to bring the temperature of my draughty old house above freezing. And I hear that gas is getting rather pricey these days.

For the past 5 years my central heating appears to have been heating the basement more efficiently that the house. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought heat always rises? Apparently not - apparently heat always rises unless it's in Jon's cellar in which case it will stay there until the summer. I've actually seen mice taking tiny towels down to the basement for their daily sauna - sat next to the thimble of water just in case it gets too hot which is probably will.

Sorry rodents - but you've had your last hot tub. For tonight I am off to buy lagging. This evening I will be lagging anything that looks remotely like a pipe.

Duck tape and insulation - that's all you need for one crazy night in.

Move over Keith.

So here's the joke ...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really cross. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and finds .... a set of bathroom scales. Bob hasn't been seen since.

===================
Mental Maths and here's the twist. Weirdly it was the texters who struggled today. Apparently it was the months that caught everyone out.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...

a dozen
times the number of days in a week
take off half a century
halve that
take away number of months beginning with J
add the number of letters in the alphabet
In Roman Terms take off X
double that
take off the value of a green ball in snooker .....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... (57)

Feeling a little horse ....

2008-10-20T16:06:00.002+01:00

No need to call the animal welfare authorities - just a simple typo.

Horse as in hoarse as in sore throat. Now I don't want to start sounding like a pathetic man all of a sudden (no change there) but this tonsillitis (self diagnosed - I have internet access) is really starting to get a big boring. It's stopping me from doing my two favourite things - talking and eating.

Everyday I wake up hoping that today will be the day I can sing Pavarotti and eat crusty bread only to find my hopes dashed. At this point I have to confess I have never had a huge urge to sing Pavarotti and/or eat crusty bread - but just in case - I'd like the option to be there.

In the meantime it's back to humming and ice cream - which to be fair isn't all that bad.

Still at least the later starts now mean a bit of a lie in. It all feels a little bid odd at the moment - just like the day after the clocks change - which incidentally they must do soon.

Now that's going to feel really weird.

So here's the joke (which I forgot to do ....)

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut.

All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details.

A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son.

"Landisbanki? What do you think I am - stupid?!"

===================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher has been hard at work with this one. Most people got it spot on but there were a few miscounts along the way. Tomorrow's MM is slightly different so you'll need to be on your toes ....

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 100

Minus 50
Minus 10
Multiply by 2
Three quarters of that
Third of that
Half of that
A tenth of that
add 9
multiply by 10

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 100

Read letter day

2008-10-15T13:35:00.003+01:00

It's just occurred to me I haven't actually written anything for ages.

Yes I dribble on with this blog everyday but it's not proper writing. Proper writing involves a pen, paper, an envelope and an address. When was the last time you actually wrote a handwritten letter to someone?

I don't think we do it enough. It's all emails, texts and msn messenger. There's something very special about getting a personal letter that someone has taken the time to write you (unless it's in crayon - and then you just worry and/or call the police.)

So today my challenge to everyone is to write one handwritten letter to someone. Perhaps someone you haven't spoken to for years or perhaps someone who you've just spoken to just a moment ago. Anyone - but you have to write it by hand.

I reckon it would make their day.

So here's the joke ...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not?" she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

============================
Mental Maths time and controversy reigned supreme with this one. If you turn a six upside down what does it become?

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23

plus 18
add 29
halve it
divided by 7
times 9
take off 27
divided by 3
turn it upside down

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 9

Just say yes ...

2008-10-14T13:52:00.002+01:00

It's a whole lot easier. Just say yes.

Don't say no. Don't say it won't work. Don't say but surely .... Don't say anything - just say yes.

I'm going to try it. It may not work but life could be easier, won't it?

(Answer is yes, obviously)

So here's the joke ...

Once upon a time God decides the world needs another flood. He gets on the phone to Noah and advises that he and his family prepare themselves.

"Same as last time? Usual ark?" asks Noah.

"No," replies God. "Not the usual one - I want you to design me a really tall ark with lots of decks."

"Oh - ok, fair enough," says Noah. "Two by two - same as last time?"

"Nope," replies God. "Can you fill it purely with fish this time - carp I think."

And so Noah builds a very tall ark and fills it with the requested type of fish - of every size shape and colour. Good to His word the rains come and the great flood washes over the earth. After weeks afloat the waters subside and Noah, his family and his fish survive.

"One thing I have to know, God" says Noah. "What was the fish thing all about?"

"Oh," says God. "I just fancied a multi storey carp ark."

===============================
Mental Maths times and this was a good 'un. No idea why but it seemed to get a lot of both right and wrong answers. If you got it wrong here's what happened.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 43

add 6
divided 7
times 9
take away 15
divided by 8
square it
take off 17
minus 8

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 11

And they're orf ...

2008-10-13T13:51:00.002+01:00

OK - so after the whole "if it's not cruel why do the jockeys have whips?" thing was out of the way I did actually enjoy it. What helped was the fact is was a beautiful day and Goodwood on a beautiful day is truly spectacular. And a beautiful day is always helped by a beautiful pint. Everything in moderation, of course.

Granted I came away down on the day but I'd like to think that was a protest at the whipping however it was actually due to my complete lack of knowledge and experimental betting system.

Now whilst some people may rely on form, gate and condition of the horse I decided to judge where my money should go purely on the stable girl leading the nag around the paddock. At this point I have to admit to having to seek permission from Jemma for my rather unique way of picking my bets however once successfully negotiated it proved a very entertaining method.

There were a couple of misunderstandings at my comments about the state of backsides, legs and teeth however for legal reasons I have to point out in each case I was actually talking about the horse itself.

Anyway to cut a very long and uninteresting story short it didn't work. This may come as a shock to but if you don't look at the actual horse you're betting on you're more than likely not to win.

I did win 16 quid on an each way bet which came in third.

It had lovely legs.

(The horse)

So here's the joke ...

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.

The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realised that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

Mrs Lobster was incensed.

"You shellfish bugger."

========================
Mental Maths and all fairly straight forward today. Bumper turn out for the maths lesson but a few of you slipped up so here's the problem.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 7

plus 27
take off 17
add 34
double it
minus 40
halve it
take off 6
divided by 5

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 5

Weekend plans

2008-10-10T15:12:00.002+01:00

So that's another week then.

Highlights included my winking research establishing there is no connection between the eye you find it easier to wink with and the hand you write with. Also I'm now on MyFace Spacebook or whatever it's called so have join the Appreciation Society. No idea what happens now but you've got to be in it to win it.

Off to Goodwood for the weekend. Living it up on Saturday and watching the racing on Sunday. Can't say I'm massively into horse racing but it makes a bit of a change, doesn't it? Will no doubt have the usual arguments with the racing fraternity about whips and the question whether they really enjoy running around with a wee man on their backs?

Charlie was banging on about putting something on a nag with a reference to white in it's name. She's convinced it will win.

Although not quite convinced enough to put a tenner on it.

So here's the joke ...

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"

Out just smiled and said "Instinct."

==================
Mental Maths time and a clean sweep by class mates on the phones and email today. Sadly a couple of texters got it wrong so here it is ...

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 40

give me 25 percent of that
times 12
50 percent of that
divided by 5
add 19
minus 24
times itself
treble it

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 147

It's all coming out now ...

2008-10-09T13:45:00.002+01:00

The plot thickens.

Now I've always thought all local councils were short of cash. There are the usual rounds of apologies as Council Tax is put up. The normal rounds of Chief Executives complaining about a lack of government funding. The normal excuses when local services don't their job "if only we had the money we so desperately need ...."

But here's the funny thing.

Now the Icelandic Banking system appears to be up the swanney (correct financial term) organisations have spent today admitting exactly how much money they did have invested in the country's banks. And whilst I have a whole load of sympathy for places such as Naomi House who've been caught up in the madness of world economics my sympathy starts to fail ever so slightly when local councils admit they had millions of pounds stashed away.

Now I have to make it absolutely clear that I'm no accountant and I'm sure there are some very good reasons why a council is putting millions and millions into various Icelandic accounts. And I have to make it absolutely clear I have no idea whatsoever about the ins and outs of local authority funding. I'm sure it's very complicated and beyond a simpleton like me.

But hands up who'll open their council tax bill with a wry smile.

So here's the joke ...

A farmer needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The bank manager who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The bank manager suggests that a vet takes a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbour's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "They taste kind of chocolatey ...."

==============================
Mental Maths and here's the puzzle from today. Remember no pens or paper. Follow it all in your noggin' and see if you arrive at the answer.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 8

times 7
plus 19
divided by 5
add 27
divided by 7
times 12
take off 36
and give me two thirds of that ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 24

I.O.U.

2008-10-08T14:07:00.004+01:00

So Gordon Brown has decided to bail out the banks to the tune of £50 billion.

Now I'm no economic genius and I suppose at times like these you just have to trust the people in charge but it's made me a little bit cross and I'm not sure why.

Perhaps it's because the £50 billion is apparently tax payers money. So a rough calculation is, what, about 30 million people working in the UK? So that's 30 million hopefully paying tax. So 50 billion divided by 30 million is ... er ... 1.6 million pounds?!?!?! Hold on that can't be right. How many 0's in a billion? It's a million, million. So that's 12 0's.

Now please check my maths someone as according to that the government, on my behalf, has just put down 1.6 million pounds of my taxes.

Woh!

A couple of questions spring to mind ....

1) Have I been paying too much tax?
2) Can I pay it back in installments?
3) If it all goes horribly wrong and the banking bail out doesn't work - do I owe someone 1.6 million quid?!

The other question is - if there's now 1.6 million pounds of my own money knocking around the banking system does that mean it's easier for me to borrow a couple of thousand for a basement conversion?

Come to think of it - loan?! What am I talking about - they owe me! I'd like it in 10 pence pieces please - no fifties.

So here's the joke ...

After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job.

The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head.

It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead.

When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is.

"Dunno," says the deacon. "But his face rings a bell."

================================
Mental maths time and unbelievably it all seemed to work today despite me getting the question wrong. Well done if you got it right - here's what happened if you got it wrong.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23

add 38
double it
take away 37
plus 3
add 39
minus 27

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 100

In the dark

2008-10-07T14:55:00.002+01:00

OK so as you know by now Monday night is football night.

Another distinctly average performance which resulted in a solitary goal and not much running around. So I get home thinking I need to make little more of an effort on the pitch ie actually run around more than the absolute bare minimum (although to be fair I am 37).

Anyway I get home and out of nowhere the thought comes "Why don't you go for a run?"

It's half past ten at night, it's pitch black, I am wearing mainly black (no I'm not the ref) and my brain is trying to get my body out for a run!?!?! Am worried this may be a flash of mid life crisis but unbelievably my body went with my brain and off I went.

To be fair I did quite enjoy it but, and this may surprise you, I appeared to be the only runner pounding the streets at 11pm. There are pro's and con's to the late night run. A plus is the lack of traffic at junctions which means less stopping and starting. A minus are the people post pub who tend to weave on the pavements making judging a (low speed) pass quite tricky.

Oh as for the wearing black in the dark whilst running that is a particularly foolish thing to do.

Apologies to the cyclist whom I seemed to take entirely by surprise.

So here's the joke ...

A salesman was driving his car and his boss rang up, and said 'You've been promoted.' He swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." He swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director." And the man crashed as he swerved into a tree.

The policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And he said "I careered off the road."

======================
No mental maths today due to footy coverage. Back tomorrow maths fans.

A lesson in perspective

2008-10-06T14:58:00.002+01:00

Big things apparently look smaller the further away they are.

It's not new - it's even got a name. Perspective.

However every now and again I forget. And so there I was on Boscombe seafront with surf board surveying the now shifting horizon (that possibly should have been the clue) OK so it was a little bit windy and OK it was a little bit rainy. Perhaps the fact the rain didn't actually land and was travelling horizontally should have been clue 2.

Anyway in I pop skipping through the surf. Wallop! Back I go to the beach. Next I try a slightly more assertive run into the waves. Wallop! Again I arrive back on beach. And so it went on for the next hour. Every time I tried to go out a rather huge wave would quickly assist me back to the beach.

Now I know what you thinking - surely, Jon, that's the basic principal of surfing. You go out and then come back in. However am finally sure one of the rules of surfing is that when you come back you should be on or at least in the near proximity of your board.

I wasn't.

Am walking slightly like John Wayne today but am sure it'll all heal. They may even grow back.

PS Note no mention of my serious man flu condition despite my suffering.
PPS If I make it through will write again soon.

So here's the joke ...

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.

"For a male brain, £300,000. For a female brain, £100,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

The vet replied "That's because the female brain has actually been used."

=================================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one. Some of you liked it others struggled a bit with all the taking away. And it's nasty numbers for subtraction.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100

Minus 37
Minus 7
Minus 37
Minus 7
Multiplied by 12
Minus 44
Minus 37
Minus 7

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER 56

Pain in the neck

2008-10-02T13:43:00.002+01:00

Today I need to talk to you about the whole man doctor thing.

Suffice to say I am pretty bad at the whole responsible adult thing. Problem is I don't have a huge amount of responsibility in life and get distracted pretty much at or by the drop of a hat. To me the fun stuff seems slightly more important than most of the sensible stuff.

Anyway after what probably is far too long of putting up with headaches, bad nights sleep and general grumpiness I went to see the doctor about my neck. Everything was going fine until he asked me how long I'd had it for. That was when all of a sudden my "fun filled don't worry about the sensible stuff plan" didn't seem that clever.

I felt like a naughty school kid sat on a chair in the headmaster's office. Worse still was the follow up question - why exactly I hadn't come in earlier? And do you know what - I couldn't actually answer it.

Just did my best smile and shrugged. Did the whole comedy Wallace and Grommit I've-just-been-asked-a-tricky-question-that-I-can't-answer face.

Now it's not like my head is about to fall off or anything serious but it was a little bit of a wake up call. Have made a mental note to self to sort things out when they happen and not just keeping putting stuff off because it's easier to do nothing.

Apart from the washing up.

So here's the joke ...

Mummy mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.

Snatching up the child mum ran for the mouse hole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it.

Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat.

The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Mummy mouse turned to her baby and said,

"Now do you see the benefits of learning a foreign language?"

======================
MENTAL MATHS and this one caused a few problems today.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9

times 4
give me a third of that
times a half
times it's self
give me 2 sixths of that
take off 5
times 9
add the digits together ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER ... 9

Snooze you lose

2008-09-30T13:50:00.002+01:00

OK so here's the deal.

I am pretty rubbish at the whole getting up kind of thing. Now I'm sure there are some people who on only the second ping of their alarm clock are already out of bed, showering, having breakfast and chomping at the bit to get on with their day.

I on the other hand take a slightly more considered approach. And this is the problem.

The snooze button.

Snooze buttons ruin lives. It's a fact.

Don't be fooled into thinking you'll get more precious sleep by repeatedly hitting that button. You are just kidding yourself. Yes, technically you are in bed, but you will find yourself in a bewildering world of sleep and no sleep. It's the sleep equivalent of having a warm can of coke on a hot summers day. You know you've just taken liquid on board but somehow it didn't seem to quench your thirst.

Every five minutes bang! your arm's flapping like a giant beached tuna attempting to hit that button to send you back to a sleepless oblivion. Every five minutes you're snapped back to reality with a shudder trying to remember where you are and possibly more to the point who you are.

My theory is for every five minute snooze you take you lose what feels like an hour of regular sleep. All I'm saying is I hit that button so many times this morning it feels like I haven't slept for days.

Am starting a campaign group. Join me.

So here's the joke ...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel, let alone the massive environmental impact!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK , "I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know how to make them truly happy."

"About that bridge," says the genie. "How many lanes do you want. Two or four?"
=====================
Mental Maths time and today's question caught a few of you out. Remember it's all done in your head - no writing anything down. See if you arrive at the correct answer.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 56

take off 29
divided by 3
double it
add 24
reverse the digits
swap em back
add 6
divided by 4

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12

London town and a working weekend

2008-09-29T14:40:00.003+01:00

I know, I know but it's not because I don't love you.

I've been hob nobbing in London Town for the last couple of days. All good fun although the best bit of any course/conference does tend to be the beer afterwards. Some people call it networking. Either I'm not grown up enough to do that (that may explain the career) or I just prefer having fun (and beer as it turns out although sadly none of the beer was expense refundable.)

Anyway that was how last week ended. And then there was a 40th birthday party at the weekend - well 3 actually. A sort of combined 120th although it was one of those parties you go to where you don't actually know many/any of the people there and you spend most of the night thinking you'll get turfed out as a gatecrasher. Luckily I found out I could do 40th birthday small talk very well and a super fun time was had by all.

Meetings today, prerecords and general Monday stuff. Will be a bit on the hectic side this evening as I promised to go and see the Southampton Ukulele Jam tonight in Southampton (they are hilarious - it's basically people playing The Undertones and Talking Heads on ukuleles). Then it's on to Romsey for footy.

I may be the only one holding a ukulele wearing football shorts.

For some reason that sounds ruder than I meant.

So here's the joke ....

Bob was a farmer and was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, taking in the whole event.

"Oh great...", thought Bob, "...he's only 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, Bob walked over to his son and asked, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad...

"How fast was that calf going when he ran into that cow?!!"

============================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one for the class today. Don't get too freaked out about the high numbers. It's all fairly straight forward for a Monday.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100

times ten
take away 4
divide by 3
take away 32
divide by 100
times 15
take away 8
times 3

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 111

Bedroom disaster

2008-09-23T13:41:00.002+01:00

Was running around trying not to be late for Monday night's footie match in Winchester (which incidentally ended up a glorious 3-3 draw). Anyway rushed into the master bedroom in the west wing and whizzed the dimmer switch around to illuminate the boudoir.

Straight away I knew all was not right and so it was proven when I attempted to switch off the light to leave. The light would not turn off. At all. Despite numerous attempts of twisting, pushing, pulling and begging it to switch off it remained very much on.

And so it was four hours later that I found myself lying in bed in an extremely well lit bedroom attempting to go to sleep. Couldn't work out which fuse I should take out in the fuse box and all the bulbs were now nuclear hot and would melt even the sun itself.

All I'll say is I wouldn't recommend attempting a restful night under direct bulb light. My body clock has all gone to pot and currently I have no idea what time/day or even year it is. As I speak my bedroom remains very well lit. Apologies Al Gore.

Am off to B&Q after work today. It can't be that hard to change a switch, surely? Mind you if the traffic lights dim when you're driving home you'll know it was rather more complicated than I anticipated.

Well wear my marigolds and rubber wellies.

So here's the joke ...

An Elderly couple walk into a café. They order one beefburger, one portion of chips and one drink. The old man unwraps the beefburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.

He then counts out the fries, divided them into two piles and placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, then sets the cup down beside them. As he begins to eat his few bites of his beefburger, the people around start whispering: "That poor old couple- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his chips a young man comes to the table. He offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine- they're just used to sharing everything. The other diners notice the old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She just sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking a sip of the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says: "No thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little lady and asks: "May I ask what you are waiting for?"

"The teeth."
===================
And onto Mental Maths. Here is today's puzzle. Again quite straight forward but under pressure quite a few fell at a rather awkward subtraction hurdle ...

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 17

plus 14
times 4
divided by 2
take off 44
divided by 6
add 9
three quarters of that
times 3

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 27

Where've you been?

2008-09-22T14:34:00.002+01:00

Well alright - it's more like where have I been?

To be fair I have been working very hard. I'm not whingeing - the boss never reads this but as well as the radio show I also do the odd bit of filming and last week it just went a bit bonkers. Loads of good stuff which you might end up seeing on the web or hearing on the radio. But it was the filming equivalent of buses - nothing for ages and then all of a sudden ... chaos.

So in between that I have made two purchases which should improve the quality of my life.

The first is a ukulele. Not any old ukulele but a flying V which I didn't think they made. (Picture in your head the sort of ukulele that ZZ Top would play and you're nearly there). Anyway having met the Southampton Ukulele Jam I've decided to learn and join the 40 strong membership of mass ranks of ukulele. Seems like a whole load of fun however my fingers do seem a little on the chubby side but am sure I could always go on a diet or exercise only my digits.

Therefore my second weekend purchase was an X-Box 360. To be fair I may be a little old for that sort of nonsense but I've been console free for nearly a year and I do miss it a bit. Rebecca has been telling me today that I am the perfect age for it.

I fear she may be saying I'm a tad childish but that's what producers are for.

Am thinking of combining the two - Ukulele Hero anyone?

So here's the joke ...

A man goes into a wine bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission. So the man goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper leads in the boot.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says ....

"In you go - but don't start anything."

===================
Mental Maths time and after your online week off here's today's puzzle. Fairly straight forward this one - follow it through and see if you arrive at the correct answer.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 21

two thirds of that
double it
a quarter of that
times itself
double that
take away 19
plus 2
divided by 9 ...

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 9

The issue that won't go away

2008-09-15T15:20:00.003+01:00

OK ok ok - I know I've gone on and on about this cake but ...

Finally here is the definitive recipe for Tomato Soup Cake. Thanks to Pauline and Doug from Gosport. I can vouch for the fact that all your basic criteria for a cake are covered by this one ...

a) it looks like a cake
b) it tastes like a cake
c) despite it's dodgy tomato soup ingredient - I truly believe it IS a cake

Scroll down for the recipe - it is very tasty (unlike my efforts last week)

Elsewhere over the weekend I ended up visiting Ikea and buying a basket full of stuff I didn't really need. I can now provide ice in four different styles (normal cubes, jigsaw pieces, bottles and sticks). Also I am able to scrub by back and scrub my feet (not that I wasn't before) courtesy of the bathroom department. And - I am living the rock'n'roll dream, baby - I have 3 extra tea towels to add to my arsenal.

All of that I can live with but I made a rash purchase of a new light. All I'm going to say is that the showroom must have been deceptively spacious as I now have a light which gets in the way where ever you are in the room. Imagine a lamp on the end of a fishing rod that's bending over under the strain and you've just about got it. I fear it's going to have to be consigned to the dining room where it will attack unsuspecting guests.

Either that or ebay is just about to gain one more item.

So here's the joke ...

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.

Dropping it on the lawyer's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"

"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.

"The grounds for divorce ...."
==================
Mental Maths time again and all fairly straight forward for the start of the week. Rules are simple no writing down, do all the sums in your head and see if you can get to the answer.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 11

take off 4
times 6
double it
take off 36
divided by 4
take away 9
times 9
double it ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 54

And finally ....

TOMATO SOUP CAKE

2 cups plain flour
11/2 cups sugar
4 teaspoons baking powder
11/2 teaspoons ground allspice (not mixed spice)
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon ground cloves
1 can of condensed Tomato Soup
½ cup vegetable shortening ( I use vegetable oil )
2 eggs
¼ cup of water

Grease and flour two 8-inch sandwich pans.
Preheat oven to 350 F 180 C Gas 5

Put all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix on low speed until ingredients
are blended. Then at high speed for four minutes. Divide equally between
the two pans and bake for 35/40 minutes or until a tester comes out clean.
Cool in pans for 10 minutes, then remove from the pans and cool completely.

Cream cheese filling
==============
50g softened butter
50g cream cheese
Icing sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla essence

Blend butter and cream cheese, add vanilla. Add enough icing sugar to make the right consistency.

In need of something savoury

2008-09-11T12:49:00.002+01:00

Am feeling slightly unwell.

May be something to do with consuming a victoria sponge, a chocolate and coca cola cake and a tomato soup cake. If that wasn't bad enough here's the recipe, as promised, for the chocolate and mayonnaise cake. (Thanks to Rona)

Oh - and it's in American measurements. I appear to have had trouble with my cup sizes. Apparently it's a common trait in most men.

Chocolate Mayonnaise cake

A chocolate mayonnaise cake, made with mayonnaise in place of eggs and oil.

Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1/2 cup cocoa
* 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup sugar
* 3/4 cup mayonnaise
* 1 cup water
* 1 teaspoon vanilla

Preparation:
Sift together the flour, cocoa, soda and salt. Cream together the sugar, mayonnaise, water and vanilla. Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture; stir until well blended. Pour batter into greased and floured layer cake pans (or a 9- x 13-inch pan). Bake at 350°F. for about 25
minutes.

Enjoy?!

So here's the joke ...

A man sits at a cafe, enjoying an after work aperitif, when a gorgeous young woman walks in. He cannot take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks directly toward him. Before he can apologize for staring, the woman says, "I will do anything for you, absolutely anything, for just £100. There's only one condition."

"What's that?" asks the flabbergasted man.

The woman says: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".

The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket and slowly counts out five twenty pound notes, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into her eyes as he says ....

"Paint my house."
======================
Mental Maths today left everyone going round in circles. A little bit sneaky I know but I think you all enjoyed it. Here's what happened.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 97

take off 8
minus 12
subtract 15
take off 6
subtract 8
take off 19
minus 13
plus 81

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 97

Tomato Soup Cake

2008-09-11T07:54:00.003+01:00

I know, I know.

The words tomato, soup and cake should never be in the same sentence let alone the same tin. But in the interests of science I have made one. Granted I've yet to try it and there appears to be some sort of 'issue' with the frosting but it does look vaguely like a cake should.

It is quite heavy though and I have had to go on a manual handling course in order to lift it from the oven to the stand. It appears I mistook a mug for a cup and so I have made a whopper.

So here's the recipe.

Tomato Soup Cake
Serves: 8
Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 60 mins

INGREDIENTS:

Cake mix

Half a cup margarine
1 cup sugar
1 small tin tomato soup
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 cups plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
Half tsp ground cloves
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 cup raisins
1 cup chopped walnuts

Frosting (optional)

1 tub cream cheese
1 tblsp melted butter
1 tsp vanilla essence
icing sugar

METHOD:
Blend the margarine with the sugar using an electric mixer or a wooden spoon, until soft.
Add the tomato soup into which the bicarbonate of soda has been stirred. Next, sift the dry ingredients (excluding the nuts and fruit) and add to the mixture.

Now stir in the raisins and nuts. When it has been mixed thoroughly, pour the mixture into a greased and lined baking tin. Bake in a moderate oven (350F) for 50-60 minutes.

FROSTING (optional)
Beat one tub of cream cheese and add one tablespoon of melted butter and one teaspoon of vanilla essence. Add enough icing sugar to make a spreadable consistency. Decorate the top of the cake.

More of a whimper than a bang ...

2008-09-10T13:24:00.002+01:00

I must admit I did slightly squint for a moment at around about 8.30am when the world was supposed to have ended. Shoddy time keeping by the world's leading scientists meant I did look like I was about to sneeze for a good 4 or 5 minutes.

Just thought if the world was going to end when they switched on their proton collider thingy (I gave up science early) it might smart a bit and somehow by squinting it would lessen the effect. (Note: I do it a lot - the whole something's about to hurt so squint a bit - it's kind of my natural anaesthetic - particularly for the removal of plasters).

Anyway turns out the world didn't end and more to the point turns out they weren't even doing the colliding stuff just sending a few protons round the block as a bit of a warm up. The real thing isn't happening until October.

More sleepless nights.

Perhaps I'll combine the End of the World Part II with the removal of a plaster.

So here's the joke ...

Doris was a little tinker. Young beyond her years she goes to live in an old people's home.
It all seems a little boring so she decides to liven things up. Doris proceeds to run up and down the halls in the nursing home. As she goes, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says "Supersex...".

There'd she go - up and down the corridors flipping her hem - "Superersex, supersex, supersex ...."

She walks up to an elderly man in a comfy day chair flipping her gown at him.

"Supersex, " she says ...

The old man sits there silently for a moment or two lost deep in thought ..... Finally he replies ....

"I think I'll take the soup ...."

================================
Mental Maths and a bumper batch of homework handed in. The window cleaners of Gosport and Lymington are slugging it out. New rival carpet fitters and posties have joined the fray.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9

times 4
divide by 3
times 4
plus 23
take off 11
divided by 5
double it

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 24

The simple things

2008-09-09T13:15:00.003+01:00

All I'm going to say is ....

Picked up the ball on the halfway line, skipped past one, cutback past another, into the box - one more to beat, faked a left, went to the right - and curved it right to left on the outside of the boot.

Life went into slow motion, for an instant the world held it's breath, the keeper stayed put beguiled by the sheer sporting poetry of the moment as the spinning ball danced into the back of the net.

That was a moment.

That is living.

That, as Lee McKenzie would say, is whadi'mtalkinabooouuuutttt!

(The fact I missed another 4 or 5 absolute sitters and couldn't hit a barn door from 3 paces for the rest of the game and can't quite walk straight today .... well - that kind of spoiled the story).

So here's the joke ....

A husband and wife were sitting out on their back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim leaves a deposit squarely in the middle of the wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouts 'Quick, get some toilet paper.'

'It wouldn't do any good,' replies the husband. 'He's miles away by now.'

====================
Mental Maths time and I promised no fractions today. All fairly straight forward if you had your wits about you. It's just the big subtraction in the middle which threw a few.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 3

times 3
times 3
times 2
times 3
take off 74
divided by 11
times 3
halve it ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 12

I blame the scientists

2008-09-08T13:22:00.002+01:00

There I was - having a nice old life, everything bimbling along as it should and now I've been told the world is going to end on Wednesday. I am somewhat cross. Something to do with a bunch of scientists beneath Switzerland and France playing around with atoms and protons and things generally you should leave well alone.

Now I'd like to think I'm a big fan of progress - man's eternal quest for knowledge has brought us many breakthroughs saving countless lives and improving the quality of life for billions. But when there's a tiny ickle chance the next experiment may cause a black hole which would suck us all in, cause the sun to explode and end mankind and the very universe itself I would like to think someone, somewhere will be thinking "Can I just run through the numbers again?"

As my grandad used to say "Measure twice, cut once." In this case he probably would have approved of multiple measuring just to "make sure". Unlike 4x4x2 wood I hear a new galaxy is quite hard to come by. They don't do them at B&Q.

On the upside at least I won't have my mid life crisis.

Every cloud.

So here's the joke ...

Once upon a time there was a wise man called Indian Chief Cheesecake. His was very fond of his desserts. He was a clever and kind man and much loved by his wife. But one stormy night - well into his twilight years - his time comes and he dies peacefully in his sleep.

The next day the villagers gather to discuss plans for his big send off. After much talking it's decided his wife should carry out the duties. All of a sudden one of the elders begins to laugh.

"Why do you laugh old man? Do you wish to disrespect our ancestors?"

"No," says the old man. "But I've just thought .... Squaw bury Cheesecake."

=========================
Mental Maths was really sneaky today. And great news Shifty and Daz in Gosport now have some rival window cleaners in Lymington. Will be keeping scores.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ... 1

divided by 2
times 4
divided by a half
halve that
take away 1
plus 9
times a quarter
take off a half

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 2

I'm still a kid from the 70's

2008-09-05T13:45:00.002+01:00

This Internet thing. It is quite good, isn't it?

Having grown up with ZX81's and wobbly ram packs, Commodore 64's and dodgy tape decks and of course ZX Spectrums I can't cease to wonder at the marvel of technology that is the World Wide Web. Now I'm sure that it is used daily by the world's top scientists in a bid to further mankind, cure all illnesses and improve our understanding of why we're all here but .... last night I played pictionary with someone in Denver?

How cool is that!?!??!

I was a bit bored kicking around the house so decided to, I believe they call it, "surf" the net. Find a site that lets you play pictionary online with other people around the world. It was so cool - you get your word, attempt to draw it and everyone else has a go a guessing. Then you join in the global guessing of some, let's be honest, quite shambolic doodling.

Turns out it's quite hard to draw an "oxygen mask" using a mouse but I gave it my best shot. Was more successful with "rain drop", "mountain goat", "green bean" and "railroad" (it's American - you'll have to forgive them).

Now all I need to find is an online version of Mousetrap and my life will be complete.

So here's the joke ...

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like his step-siblings rather than the more regular rabbit hop. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. So when day the little rabbit goes to its squirrel step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was simply ...

"Don't scurry be hoppy."

======================
A slightly sneaky Mental Maths today but it still caught a few of you out. Never altogther comfortable with the whole 17 & 18 thing. Here's the puzzle ...

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 17

add 18
plus 17
add on 18
plus 17
add 18
add 17
plus 18

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 140

Decisions, decisions, decisions

2008-09-04T13:39:00.001+01:00

OK - here's the dilemma.

Do I ...

a) Buy a VW campervan - found a beauty ex German police tintop needs a respray but solid as a rock. At the moment it's very orange but new wheels and new paint and it would look fantastic.

b) Do up my bathroom - original intention of funds was to do bathroom following kitchen. Bathroom alrightish at the moment but could do with a tart up.

c) Move house - seen a place for sale with a proper garden that I can't just about afford if I'm good and never drink or eat out again (am ignoring any alleged credit crunch)

I can only do one - but which one. Any help appreciated. Decisions, decisions, decisions ....

Answers of a postcard to ....

So here's the joke ...

A man, preparing for what could be a lengthy divorce case, is researching potential costs. He walks into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

"Fifty pounds for three questions, " replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question."

======================
Mental Maths time and a bumper attendance in class today. Just a shame I had to hand out so many detentions. See you tomorrow at 11.15am sharp.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 2

double it
times itself
take off 2
double it
double that
take off 7
double it
double that

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER - 196

Wonky axle and the DVD

2008-09-04T13:23:00.003+01:00

Granted it does sound like the latest Indie Band all the kids are listening to but in reality it is just an accurate description of last night's activities.

As you may have worked out I haven't quite cracked the whole wobbly wheel problem on the bike (I may have to put on hold my application form to be part of Lance Armstrong's pit crew) but it did actually get me home. Granted I felt a bit like Coco the Clown (all I needed was the squirty flower but, despite a mild sense of nausea from it's wonkiness, it got me home.

Back to the workshop today.

I went crazy when shopping last night and bought 3, that's right 3, DVD's. Three quid each it was a case of what haven't I seen. One of the 3 - The Constant Gardener - I watched last night. Cracking film but was left slightly confused at the end. What was the significance of the lake? It began and ended at the lake - any reason? And how did they know he'd be at the lake at the end?

Answers on a postcard please.

So here's the joke ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2am in the morning. The wife picks up the phone listens a moment and says, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"

She hangs up.

"Who was that?" says the husband.

The wife says, "I don't know. It was a woman. She wanted to know if the coast was clear."

============================
Mental Maths time and sorry about the slight hiccup with the text system today. It's all been fixed but it was a bit of a let off for some of you as it was quite a brain fryer.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 7

add 27
take away 17
minus 7
add 27
take away 8
add on 18
take away 8
add 27

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 66

For heaven's sake ...

2008-09-02T13:33:00.003+01:00

.. I am 37 years old and I am still rubbish at anything involving a spanner and or torque wrench. How can this happen? Was there a day I missed when all of a sudden, as a man, I wake up with the ability to strip anything in the dark (steady), grease, oil and reassemble?

Clearly that day has yet to happen as it is now nearly week 2 of the long running saga "Jon attempts to fix his bike."

Wow you're probably thinking - not surprised he's struggling - he'd need to be some sort of gifted mechanic to work on a motorbike .... If only - it happens that my push bike - yes the basic invention from the 1800's has developed a wonky wheel. However it also happens that the stupic invention from the 1800's has beaten me.

I've taken the rear wheel apart (easy), grease it up all (love the smell of tubs of grease) but am now struggling in the final - and some would say equally important part - of reassembling said rear wheel. It's got the stage now that it's too embarrassing to ask any more people to help. My only solution so far is to learn how to do a front wheelie thus enabling me to continue to use said stupid, poorly thought out, ridiculously illogically manufactured bike.

Stupid bike. Stupid Jon.

You decide.

So here's the joke ...

Young James, moved to Lymington and bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

James replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

James said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

James said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

James said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey ?"

James said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'"

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

"Only the person who won. I have him his money back."

============================
Mental Maths time and here's the solution to today's problem. Lots of right answers but a fair few in detention today. More Mental Maths tomorrow at 11.15am on the show.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ..... 8

times itself
take off 15
divided by 7
plus 16
times 3
take off 30
divided by 3
times 4

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 52

Hurrah!

2008-09-01T14:28:00.003+01:00

Summer is officially over. It is now Autumn. Soon be Christmas.

Had a super holiday down in the South of France. It is truly beautiful. Very - er - French. It was one of those vineyard-next-door-baguettes-down-the-lane jobs. Ended up in a 200 year old farmhouse with a pool in the middle of nowhere. St Tropez was a quick hop over the mountains.

Found out a couple of things. I actually like driving on the other side of the road. Never done it before. Did a couple of comedy window adjustments instead of gear changes and visa versa and of course got in the passenger seat a couple of times despite being the driver. Roundabouts were a huge novelty. Felt slightly naughty about driving the wrong (or in the French case) the right way around them. All very exciting. And much quicker if you want to turn right.

The other thing I discovered was that I'm loving the French. I mean I've never had a problem with the French before - but I didn't really get them. Now I do. I want to be French. Zut Alors! I think it's the chilled out nature of Farmhouse living which appeals so much. That and the cheese. And popping next door to the local chateau seems somehow more romantic than a trip to the local branch of Thresher.

Also had an amazing time on the car front. Where we stayed there was a large barn full, and I mean full, of some beautiful old forgotten cars. Peugots, Renaults, Citroen. Also out front was something that look a bit like a VW camper that had been washed too hot. Will stick some pics up but it was super cool. Had samba roof windows and a three way stable door at the back. A bit of research found out it was a Renault Estafette. Big in the 60's and 70's. Very cool - got lots of character - sadly not the HP. But could it give the VW a run for it's money in a few years? Anyway if you know anymore let me know.

Speak soon.

So here's the joke ...

Little Johnny is talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each is bragging about how fast their fathers are.

The first one says, 'My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and get to the target before it hits!'

The second one says, 'You think that's fast? My father's a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!'

And then Johnny stands up and says "That's nothing. My dad works for the council. He leaves work at 5pm and gets back at 4.30pm."

======================
It's back - Mental Maths. If you went wrong today here it is. Remember your lines and if you want to take part see you at 11.15am on the show.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS 4 ...

Multiply by 12
Divide by 2
Three quarters of that number
Double it
Take off 17
Times 10
Take off 95
Minus 45

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER (50)

Summer hols ...

2008-08-15T13:24:00.003+01:00

So that's it - school's out for Summer.

Granted it's a little shorter than the retro 6 week holiday I was hoping for but a couple of weeks off isn't to be sniffed at, is it? Off to the South of France for a week and then will be surfing for week after in between finishing off things I should have done before I went off on holiday.

Have a lovely fortnight and fingers crossed the weather cheers up a bit. Will leave you the last two jokes to groan at and the last couple of Mental Maths to puzzle over.

Laters Potaters

Jon x

PS Am trying to persuade them to shell out for some Head Boy, Head Girl, Milk Monitor and Prefect badges to hand out. Also a flat pack Dunces hat for the class thickos.

So here are the jokes ...

During his spell in prison, Michael learnt carpentry and became highly accomplished. He was also a model prisoner so when the Governor wanted some work doing on his kitchen at home, he asked Michael whether he would help out.

"I've done the cupboards," said the Governor, "but promised my wife a nice kitchen work surface and, to be honest, I don't think I'm up to the job. So could you do it for me?"

"I'd like to," said Michael "But ..... it was counter fitting that got me here in the first place ..."
============================
And from Thursday ...

A Sunday school teacher reads a Bible passage to her class.

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed and prayed for help with his whale based predicament.

And so the great fish was called from on high to vomit out Jonah upon the dry land.

When she's finished reading the teacher says - now children what does this story teach us.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says ...."You can't keep a good man down?"

========================
Here's the answer to yesterday's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
21
add 26
add the indiviual digits together
take off 17
times 9
add the digits together
reverse the digits
times 2
add it to the starting number

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 183

========================
And finally the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...

14
add 27
double it
take away 1
divided by 9
times 6
take off 35
times 2
treble it

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 114

The one I couldn't read ...

2008-08-13T14:52:00.002+01:00

Here's the email which caused me so many problems today.

"Hi Jon,

Not wanting to offend your lovely lady caller Nora but she reminded me of this story. I don't think you'll be able to, and in fact I hope you don't read this out - just one to share with you and the crew.

Several years ago when my Mum was in hospital the patient in the next bed to her was a lovely lady called Nora.

On one ocassion when i was visiting, Nora wasn't in her bed - she'd gone for an xray or something. Anyway I was at the bottom of the bed massaging Mum's feet (I'm a reflexologist) when I happened to glance up and notice Nora's name board above her bed. I took a double take and thought "no that doesn't say Cook " and started to giggle. Mum asked what I was laughing at and i said "do you know what Nora's surname is?- it's Cock!! "

Followed hysterical laughing and my Mum hoping Nora didn't come back too soon! My Mum at the time was in her 80's - God bless her she died a couple of years ago and I know will be horrified that I'm sharing this with you!"

Now can you see why I was laughing?! Truly brilliant.

So here's the joke ...

A man goes into a shop to buy his wife a present from their anniversary. He points out a bottle of perfume and asks how much.

"That's 50 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.

"Oh no - that's far too much - what about a smaller bottle?"

"That's 30 pounds, sir," says the assistant.

"No," says the man. "That's still way too much. What about that really tiny bottle there?"

"That's 15 pounds," says the assistant.

"No," says the man. "Still too much. I'd like to see something cheap."

So the assistant gives him a mirror.
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ...
4
times 7
double it
divided by 7
add 23
times 3
take away 17
add 9
divided by 5

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 17

Surf's up

2008-08-13T13:31:00.002+01:00

Monday was hilarious. Cold, wet, long but hilarious.

Have just got my head around putting the photos up on the blog. Everyone was so lovely down at Boscombe and a few even braved the August weather to come and say hello to us on our tour bus. A big thanks to the surf team for letting us loose and ensuring we didn't end up at the Needles.

Anyway enjoy the pics.

Write soon.

So here's the joke ...

A young couple buy a new car and take it for a spin in the countryside. Feeling romantic and one thing leads to another - and then another and then another. Anyway - they soon work out that the car is too small. Instead they squeeze underneath the car to express their passion for one another.

Well after a few minutes a policeman walks by and tells the couple he's going to have to arrest them for indecent exposure.

"But I'm not doing anything illegal under here," complains the man. "I'm a mechanic."

"No you're not - you're making love. And I can tell that for three reasons. Firstly you have no tools out. Secondly I can see a second pair of legs and thirdly ....

... someone's stolen your car."

========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Pretty straight forward this one. Here's the solution.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...

7
plus 12
double it
add 17
divided by 5
plus 29
times 4
divided by 16
take off 20 percent ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 8

A starter for ten .... well, four

2008-08-07T14:18:00.003+01:00

Had people over for dinner last night. Subjected them to my new starter. Thought I'd share it with you today as it's super quick and super cool. As far as I know all guests are still alive.

Ok here's what you need (serves 4)

8 ripe figs
Roquefort cheese (or something just as stinky)
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar

It's pretty basic and super quick.

Quarter the figs and divide up onto four plates. Grate cheese onto the figs (you might have to chill the cheese for a bit in the freezer prior to grating otherwise it might clog up). Drizzle olive oil and balsamic vinegar (to taste) on top and Bob's your uncle.

Simple as that.

I might put in for FasterChef.

So here's the joke ...

A shy boy meets a girl at a nightclub and wanted to invite her back to his house. He asks her whether she would like to see his collection of stamps and that she has beautiful eyes ....
"Huh!" snorts the girl. "Philately gets you nowhere."

========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Tougher than yesterday.Here's the solution.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...

32
halve it
times 3
take off 19
add 43
divided by 9
times itself
take off 26
halve it

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 19

Wonky wheel

2008-08-06T15:31:00.002+01:00

There I was getting all healthy and credit crunch savvy. My big plan - to save millions of pounds in petrol per week and cycle in to work. Granted it's only about 3 miles but I figured that's got to save something (especially with current fuel prices) and also give the creaky old knees a work out.

It's a win win situation.

Well - it would have been if I hadn't suffered from a wonky wheel. Am fairly sure Lance Armstrong gets it from time to time. For no reason I can figure my back wheel has decided that straight and upright is a bad thing and that loose and wonky is better. I felt a bit like Bonzo the Clown - all I needed was a squirting flower, a big pair of tartan trousers and some size 18 shoes. In the end I had to get off due to the embarrassing squeaks and scrapes and the fact I was scaring small children and animals. Strangely it's a longer walk than it is a cycle.

The greater worry is that it was the back wheel which would imply it was somewhat overloaded. Quite with what I couldn't imagine - however I'm starting to get the message.

Diet, anyone?

So here's the joke ...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "It was the day after I got me hook."

========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Lots of people got it right today. But not everyone. Here's the solution.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...

8
times 8
double it
take away 30
halve that
divided by 7
add 10
add 18
divided by 5

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 7

Bin busy

2008-08-05T13:28:00.002+01:00

Producer Alun has made a good point. You can never have too many bins.

I've just noticed I haven't got even near enough. Am taking this whole recycling business seriously now (my token effort to save the planet). But the problem is you appear to have to be ultra organised in order to prevent a global catastrophe of biblical proportions (that my be over egging the pudding slightly but never let facts get in the way of creative writing).

Anyway I no longer can just have a rubbish bin and a recycling bin - it doesn't work. That would be far too simple. I've worked out I need five bins. Rubbish, food waste, glass, newspaper and cardboard - oh and plastics - apart from of course yoghurt pots but that's another story. Anyway the problem is if I invest in five bins I will no longer be able to get in or out of the kitchen. I definitely won't be able to reach the switch for the boiler meaning that in my effort to save the planet I will have left the central heating on for a hundred years so melting both polar caps, running up a third world debt (gas ain't cheap) and ending mankind.

So technically the most environmentally friendly thing I can do is just to put it all in the same bin meaning that I'll be in total control of my radiator temperatures thus saving the planet.

Besides I can always just bury it all along with all that nuclear waste. I'm sure it'll be fine, won't it?

So here's the joke ...

A brown paper bag goes to his doctor feeling unwell. The doctor takes all sorts of samples and says to the bag to come next week. Next week comes and the doctor says, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. We discovered from your tests that you've got an hereditary disorder."

"Really?" says the bag. "How can that be? I'm a brown paper bag."

"Ah yes," says the doctor. "But your mother was a carrier."

========================
And new from today here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Lots of people got it wrong today. Here's the solution.

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
50
give me 3 fifths of that
50 percent of that
a third of that
divided by a half
double it
plus 1
times by a third
add that to the starting number

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... (57)

Boscombe here we come!

2008-08-04T13:28:00.002+01:00

This time next week we'll be on the beach AND getting paid for it. Ok - so it probably won't be the breeze it sounds but it definitely makes a change from the studio. We've got the big red bus and we'll be heading down early doors to lay out our towels. Am attempting to get the whole team into wetsuits for a surf session.

So far they all seem remarkably keen. That may change as we get closer to the day but I'll definitely be going in for a go come rain or shine.

Good news - the little orange light has gone off on the Blue Peril. Am working on the theory that if it's gone out it couldn't have been that serious. Either that or it's so serious the warning bulb has burned itself out attempting to alert me. Mind you I would expect that any decent car would have a warning light to warn you that the original warning light has gone out. No more lights have come on so I'm assuming I'm fine. And that's what I'll repeat to myself when I'm stuck on the hard shoulder of the M27 with my bonnet up and 4 litres of Castrol on the floor.

Have been negating my blogging duties - not because I've been up to mischief but I seem to be short on time all of a sudden. I mean it's not like I've begun living a jet set life of constant holidays and parties - I seriously think either someone is sat on the fast forward button or, more likely, am slowing up and have started thinking snoozing on the sofa is a good idea.

Unfortunately once you have a couple you can't stop yourself. Am worried next time I wake up it'll be 2009.

The year as opposed to 10 past eight ish.

So here's the joke ... (best one from last week)

A remote monastery was home to an order of monks who communicated with each other only by chanting. Every morning they would assemble in the chapel and the abbot would chant.

"Good morning assembled brethren."

And the monks would dutifully reply, "Good morning Father Abbot."

But one morning a maverick monk instead chanted "Good evening, father abbot."

The abbot glared at the monks and proclaimed, "Someone chanted evening!"

Remember me?

2008-07-28T13:17:00.002+01:00

It's been sooo long? Hope you're good and enjoying the sunshine.

Had a lurvely week off - spent a few days in Croyde surfing - just me, chillin' out, eat, surf, sleep, repeat etc. And then of course we all went up to Croydon at the weekend for producer Lewis & Cat's wedding. Beautiful day, beautiful couple and the beer was pretty good too.

So all round life is pretty good at the moment. The only slight downer is an engine light which has come on on the Blue Peril. Had to stop in Exeter on the way home from Devon to get it checked out. Luckily it's nothing critical but it needs to be sorted. The people at the garage were truly lovely - kept me supplied with coffee and tea whilst the mechanic looked at it - but it did end up costing 65 quid just to tell me why the bulb was lit. Not to fix it - just to say "Yup - the bulb's on." I kind of knew that already.

Anyway am starting to think the light is simply to remind me to spend money on the car and has come on because it's been at least a couple of months with nothing going wrong. Am fairly sure all cars are fitted with a similar device.

You wouldn't get that on a camper.

So here's the joke ...

A man went into a pet shop and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well, I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual, I'll take it!

So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!!

Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff.
He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!!

Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck ...

"It's a long way to tip a Rairy."

I can't breathe ....

2008-07-16T13:19:00.002+01:00

... from laughing.

Have just watched the film footage of the roller coaster ice cream incident of Wednesday 16th July 2008. Possibly the funniest thing I've seen this year and if you watch very closely there was definitely some skulduggery going on in a couple of the turns.

For some really boring reason I can't go into I can't stick the film up on the blog but keep an eye out for it on the web or Facebook group as it may well turn up.

Anyway I hope it hasn't been too long since you had one of those moments when your capacity to draw breath is severely compromised by laughing too hard.

Medically risky but man it feels so good.

So to the joke ...

A ghost loses the tail of his sheet in a revolving door and goes to an off-licence to get a new one.

'Sorry', says the man behind the counter. 'We don't sell tails and we don't serve ghosts.'

The ghost replies.

'That's not true. The sign in the window says you retail spirits.'

Football crazy

2008-07-15T13:52:00.003+01:00

Monday night = football night, of course.

Nearly a full turn out from the boys and a debut appearance from Producer Lewis. Unfortunately for all of us he fluked a wonder goal from, I would say, about 20 yards out. No sooner had the ball hit the back of the net than the length of strike had increased to 25 yards. By this morning it was a 30 yarder and as a write it's a 50 yard dipping shot struck with the outside of his boot on his laces.

Don't believe a word of it. It was a tap in.

One thought re: football. You're guaranteed to hear someone shouting "Keep it simple, lads." I mean it's not like it's altogether that complex in the first place, is it? Kick ball in goal. Er .. that's it.

You never hear the rousing shout "Let's complicate it, boys" or "I think we've just got the right balance between straight forward and intricate, lads."

Perhaps it's just me.

A camping store was holding a Christmas sale and the manager put the young English Literature student, who had a holiday job there, in charge of thinking up a suitable slogan ....

And so - that's how the slogan was born ..... "Now is the offer of our discount tents."

Back to work for a rest

2008-07-14T13:40:00.002+01:00

Happy Monday people.

I have another theory to run by you as management executives might say.

Weekends last longer if you do more. Now you may be thinking the opposite. If you're running around like a blue thingied wotsit you might be under the impression it will positively zip by but I can assure you you're wrong.

The more you do the longer it feels. Fact.

I've just had one of those weekends. I actually don't think it would have been humanly possible to do anything else even if I tried. It was bloomin' marvellous and I even saw Lewis Hamilton too. Of course right now I can hardly stay awake, feel like I've peaked far too early and am off for an early night.

Roll on the weekend.

So here's the joke ...

Four men are in a boat. They decide to have a smoke, but discover no one has any matches...
After spending five minutes deciding on what they could do, one of the men comes up with a solution and throws a cigarette into the sea.

Another man turns to him and says "Why did you do that for?"

"Ah," says the man. "I've made the boat a cigarette lighter."

The joys of fish finger sandwiches

2008-07-11T13:37:00.002+01:00

It's been a bit of a full on week this week but all work wise so nothing hugely interesting to report back sadly. Can't decide whether it's a good or a bad sign but yesterday evening when I got in I promptly passed out on the sofa fast asleep whilst still wearing my coat/jacket.

I didn't wake up until about 9.30pm at which point I stumbled into the kitchen, put my head in the fridge and decided what I really fancied at that moment in time was a toasted fish finger sandwich with mayo and black pepper. Bizarre. I have no idea where that thought came from but I went with it and promptly loaded 6 fish fingers onto the grill and armed the toaster with a couple of rounds of bread.

Once that was on the go it was then a case of which beverage best accompanies the mighty fish finger sandwich ... traditionally tea - but that gives it too much of a breakfast feel for half past nine at night. Wine perhaps was too sophisticated and I was clean out of beer.

And so it was at 9.43pm on Thursday night I found myself sipping organic cider in between mouthfuls of a slightly over toasted fish finger sandwich.

I may have discovered a taste sensation.

You read it here first ....

So here are the jokes (sorry I missed yesterday's)

Harry wants to get married but can't find a girl his mother approves of. To solve this dilemma a friend suggests that he looks for a girl just like his mother, so he does. He finds a woman who looks like her, dresses like her, and talks like her. Then he takes her home to meet his parents.

"How did it go?" asks the friend.

"Awful," say Harry. "My dad can't stand the woman."

And .......

Two herrings , Cain and Abel, were regular visitors to a bar. One day, Cain showed up alone and the bartender asked: "Where's your brother?"

"How should I know?" said Cain. "Am I my brothers kipper?"

I'm bored/board .....

2008-07-09T14:00:00.003+01:00

... of losing at stupid board games.

Last night was not a good night for me. Went round to Producer Al's for dinner and somewhat inevitably it was suggested the old board games should be dusted down and given a whirl. Now I'm not complaining but surely the guests should be allowed to choose which game is played? As a result I found myself playing an updated version of snakes and ladders involving space rockets and exploding supernovas (apparently it's what Al's kids are into), a small child's Lego building game and that 1970's classic - Perfection.

Red wine has a lot to answer for.

It started badly. Really badly. My cardboard space ship was quickly sucked into a black hole never to be seen again. Never mind I thought - I'm pretty good at Lego. However it soon becomes apparent I'm not good at throwing dice, collecting cards and playing Lego. This game is for kids ages 3 and up - I'm 37.

As for Perfection - it was anything but and the rest of the evening was spent scrabbling about trying to find the plastic shapes that had been ejected from the 1970's classic because I was too slow.

Rubbish.

Give me Operation anytime.

So here's the joke ...

Two Eskimos were paddling their kayak along the Alaskan coast. The temperatures were so freezing that even beneath their layers of clothing the Eskimos started to feel the cold. In a desperate attempt to keep warm they lit a fire - but the wooden kayak went up in flames and the Eskimos were never seen again ....

The moral of the story is you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Silly boys

2008-07-07T13:59:00.003+01:00

No - not the Stag do ... this was the night before.

There I was walking back to the car after work. Time wise it's around about 10.30pm. Four teenagers are walking towards me - I'm guessing 14ish years old. Three walk past without a problem - the fourth purposely bangs his shoulder into me (I'm guessing he meant to go shoulder to shoulder however he was too short).

Anyway he starts mouthing off asking why I bumped into him. I smile, mainly in sympathy for his parents, and walk on back to the car at which point his little friend comes and gets him, turns him around and encourages him to carry on walking with them.

Now silly boy wasn't to know that I have never been in a fight in my life and if push came to shove I would more than like be the one being both pushed and shoved. But it just got me thinking that if silly boy had done that to someone else, someone who perhaps had been in fights and someone who might be slightly more highly strung with something more to prove than me his Friday night might not have gone the way he planned.

It's so depressing reading endless headlines of assaults and stabbings - of people making stupid split second decisions that change lives. We've all done silly things and like silly boy on Friday 99 percent of the time nothing happens as a result.

But if you're that 1 percent ....

See you tomorrow.

So here's the joke ...

A police officer made the mistake of arresting a judge who went to a party dressed as a convict.
The episode taught the cop a valuable lesson .... you can't book a judge by his cover.

An uncanny knack

2008-07-04T14:29:00.002+01:00

I've had a particular talent since the age of six.

I know exactly how much food I have left without even counting or looking at it.

It all began with Pacer mints. Remember those? From the 1970's - spearmint and peppermint chews - one of my particular childhood favourites. Anyway off I'd go on a Friday afternoon or Saturday morning to spend my pocket money (can remember when it used to be 10p a week and I tell you what 10p would go a looong way back then). Burton Village stores used to get my trade and invariably packets of Pacers would be bought.

There'd I'd be happily chewing away - take one, unwrap it, packet back in pocket, sweet inserted into gob. And somehow, somewhere in my tiny brain I'd be keeping count. So if I went off and played Frisbee I'd know exactly how many I should still have - handy if you have two older brothers. I remember turning my bedroom upside down searching for the end of the packet because I knew I had a pacer left that I hadn't eaten. It took me hours (literally) with my mum telling me they'd all gone but I still knew there should be one left. And finally - after a lot of searching there it was - the single pacer in a rather dog eared looking packet.

It's a rare gift.

Anyway the reason I'm boring you with this is for the simple fact I know I have at least a quarter of a chocolate tarte currently waiting for me in my fridge.

Oh - and two fifths of a tub of vanilla ice cream in the freezer.

The weekend starts here ....

So here's the joke ...

A clown moved into an apartment block reserved solely for circus performers. He liked everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities - cooker, hoover, refrigerator, washing machine. The only thing that was missing was an ironing board, something on which he could press his circus uniform after washing it.

"Why is there no ironing board?" he asked the agent. "The lion tamer and the juggler have both got one."

"You use the window ledge, like the other clowns explained the agent - it's in your contract .... Every clown has a sill for ironing."

"We really must ...."

2008-07-03T13:36:00.003+01:00

How many times have you said that? Possibly to a friend, to family, to someone you haven't seen for ages and just bumped into on the street. How many times have you said "We really must meet up/go for a beer/have you over ...."

And how many times has it actually happened?

I had some new neighbours move in about six months ago. Said a cheery hello to them as they lumped their furniture from van to new home. Said they really should come over for a beer or something to eat. And how long did it take? Six months.

I am soooo rubbish.

And I can make all sorts of excuses about not having enough time or being too busy. But last night was great fun and they're both truly lovely people - subjected them to my cooking, plied them alcohol and even got the guitars out. Am fairly sure they enjoyed themselves although haven't seen them since. Anyway until I find out they're planning to sue me for too dull a night I'm thinking should have done it months ago.

And it got me thinking - next time there's a "we really must ..." situation why don't we all just set a proper date there and then.

No, really, we must ...

So here's the joke ...

The manager of an old people's home decides to hire an animal act to entertain everyone at the home's annual tea party. He calls a theatrical agent and asks what sort of acts he has on offer.

"I've got a tiger," says the agent. "It does a high wire act and juggles plates."

"Too dangerous," replies the manager. "It might fall on someone or bite them."

"How about a performing seal?" asks the agent. "It can play musical instruments."

"Too noisy," replies the manager, "The old folk won't like it. What we need is something unusual but nice a sedate so it won't upset them."

"I know," says the agent. "How about Morris the gibbon. He's very quiet and all he does is card tricks."

"Sounds good," says the manager. "Let's try a mellow gibbon round the old folk's tea ..."

Now with added value

2008-07-02T14:03:00.002+01:00

Am typing this whilst lying in a darkened room.

We've decided rather than less is more - definitely more is more. As a result the good ship Jon Cuthill Show's boilers are being stoked to the max. If it's local it's on - rack 'em and stack 'em and it seems to be working a treat.

All I'm going to say is ragwort, faulty life jackets, a man who's just made 40 million quid with a bit of watercress, man's bits and bacon baguettes.

An eclectic mix but proving it does all happen on the South coast.

However like any vintage classic this does mean I will require more regular oiling. Being across the news I am aware that a diet of excess oil is bad for you - however medical evidence seems to suggest that red wine should do the trick.

It's not all bad news ...

So here's the joke ...

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton field and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became know as the Lesser of Two Weevils ....

Ireland beckons

2008-07-01T21:40:00.005+01:00

I've never been to Ireland.

It's a bit lame, isn't it? I mean it's not like it's on the other side of the earth but there it is on my list of "places I've been meaning to visit but have yet to get round to". So come the weekend Dublin it is.

Granted it may not quite be the cultural experience you might be hoping for (stag do) but at least I'll get a taste of it and for once and for all put to bed the question "Does Guiness taste better in Ireland?" (It's a boy thing but once any of your mates go to Ireland for the next five years every time you go down the pub they'll bang on about how a pint of the black stuff doesn't taste as good as it did over there ... yawn - although saying that come the weekend I may too become an Ireland bore).

Played footie last night up in Romsey. Scored a solid header to get the ball rolling so to speak and then spent the rest of the game forcing myself to run the length of the pitch. Only problem was by the time I got up to the box I was to knackered to score and spent most of the evening missing the perfectly sized goal right in front on me.

As for TP - I'm not even talking to him. I ran the entire length of the pitch into space (quite a feat for a 37 year only whose mid life crisis is fast approaching - see timer) only for him to totally ignore my efforts and pass the ball to their keeper. Well I can only assume it was a pass to save his complete embarrassment. A shot it was not. Stevo's legs gave up (both of them) so he retreated to goal. Tommy gave a solid midfield performance with his trademark blockbuster tackles. Put it this way - he's never going to play basketball - but it's like being hit by a wall (in a nice - non yellow card way). Another fine performance from team BBC.

Not that I'm obsessed but long range forecasts are showing some good surf for the weekend.

You'll have to tell me all about it though as I'll be tasting Irish hospitality.

Will stick the joke on tomorrow - am at home and can't quite remember it without looking at the show's scripts (yes - I know - I do sound a shambles but they do give me scripts sometimes).

It involved a larger lady, a toilet seat and a doctor but I don't want to ruin it.

Laters potatas.

So here's the joke ...

A woman had been advised by her doctor to go on a strict diet but she couldn't discipline herself and would spend most of the day raiding the fridge. As her weight ballooned, one day she got stuck on the lavatory seat. " Jim, Jim!" she called to her husband. " The lavatory seat's stuck to my bottom. Fetch the doctor!"

The husband asked the doctor to come round as soon as he could but didn't explain what the problem was. In the meantime, the husband managed to remove the seat from the toilet bowl but it was still wedged fast to his wife's backside. He suggested she go and kneel on the bed until the doctor arrived.

When the doctor showed up, the husband showed him straight into the bedroom where his wife was kneeling with her back to the door. "What do you think, doc?" asked the husband ...

"I think it's nice," replied the doctor, "but why such a cheap frame?"

Ola!

2008-06-30T13:58:00.003+01:00

Well done Spain!

Quality. I am ten pounds the richer and Producer Claudia is up five quid as she had Germany in the sweep stake. So as sweep stakes go it's celebrations all round on the show today. It might even distract them from taking the mickey out of my ever so slightly toasted head.

In my defence there is a reason.

This weekend was the first time the new surf board got an outing and it's fantastic! It took a while to get used to it but am slowing learning what it likes to do and when. And it fitted perfectly on top of my silly car with the new soft rack. Off I trotted to Boscombe where I spent far too long splashing around, in the process swallowing gallons of the English Coast and occasionally surfacing wearing my new seaweed toupee.

In the short too long in the sun - not enough sun cream. Silly boy.

Anyway another exciting episode in my showbiz, rock and roll lifestyle - I went sock shopping at the weekend. Why read other blogs when you can read sockshopperblog.com.

I've had enough of holes in my socks. For some inexplicable reason more or less every right sock I have has a hole in and I have no idea why. I've looked at my right foot several times and there's nothing odd about it. For example I don't have one toe bigger than the rest. Anyway it's got so bad that I decided to throw all holy socks out only to find I only had about 3 pairs left.

Hence my bulk purchase of socks but wow! How expensive!?!?! I mean anyway it's not like anyone actually gets to see them. I know everyone is moaning about the price of petrol but .... it's socks that are really driving inflation up!!

Get me the Times.

And just for the record today's are stripey blues and black. Pretty cool (as far as socks go)

So here's the joke ...

A vicar offers Harry five hundred pounds to paint his church. Harry buys some paint and starts working but he discovers he's using more paint than he expected.

Harry adds some thinner to the paint to make it last but finds he's still using too much, so he adds yet more thinner.

The pain is now too thin to use properly, but Harry carries on regardless.

Suddenly there's a crack of thunder and a voice booms out from the clouds ....

"Harry, repaint and thin no more!"

Super Friday

2008-06-27T14:04:00.002+01:00

Hurrah!

For a number of reasons.

Firstly well done Spain. Through to the finals of Euro 2008. Can't say I'd normally be that thrilled however when you happen to have a small piece of paper in your grubby mitts for the office Euro 2008 sweep stake that says "Spain" believe you me it gets exciting. Contain yourself but I have already won my pound back AND there's a chance of a tenner with my name on.

And the German's look distinctly wobbly. Yay! (Apologies to any German readers).

Secondly. Nearly home time.

Have spent the day feeling slightly "tired".

Am pretty sure it's a total coincidence but last night was the Big Bar Quiz downstairs and the post quiz debrief was quite lengthy. It would appear I was extremely thirsty last night. Luckily I found plenty to drink.

Unfortunately I forgot to take my contact lenses out post quiz and so am staring at the screen whilst typing on the basis that I can't actually close my eyes. Am fairly sure I heard a crunch last time I blinked. Very funny evening though. Still can't quite believe our Transport Correspondent actually knew Postman Pat's surname!?! Unbelievable.

Anyway looks like surf's up for the weekend and so off for another lesson and may actually take the board with the newly acquired soft rack.

Have decided to never drink again.

It's all go!!!

Have a great weekend.

So here's the joke ...

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field. The farmer wasn't doing anything and appeared to be staring blankly at nothing in particular.

"What are you doing?" called the driver.

"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," said the farmer.

"How's that?" asks the man.

"Well - I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Soft rack a go go!

2008-06-25T13:21:00.003+01:00

Crisis solved!

I've been banging on about the fact my new surf board is too big to fit in and/or on my silly little car over the past few months. I'm ashamed to say said new surf board has yet to go anywhere near the sea but all that is about to change.

During a recent surfing expedition to Boscombe I spied an Audi TT soft top with a pair of surfboards strapped on. I never knew this was possible and after a bit of online research I've found the secret world of soft racks. Basically it's a set of pads on straps which can go on any car allowing you to pop the boards up top. Straps go on and under the roof and are locked in place by the door frames/windows. To be fair I'm not entirely sure that they're designed to go on a convertible but it all seems to work perfectly.

Reading reviews there is a risk you may get wet if it rains hard as the straps press against the rubber seals of the doors but that's a whole lot drier than with the roof down and the board poking up.

Anyway the soft rack arrived yesterday and much to my neighbours amusement I gave it a go and it all seems rock solid on top of the ragtop. Hurrah! All I need now is a bit of surf and then Boscombe here I come.

I am quite excited as you may gather.

It's the little things in life ....

So here's the joke ...

A man suffered for months with chronic back pain and was eventually persuaded by his doctor to go and see the chiropractor.

But he didn't have much faith in such people and was convinced they wouldn't be able to help him. Yet after a few minutes treatment his back felt like new.

How do you feel about chiropractors now? Asked the doctor.

The man says ....

"I stand corrected."

What a whopper

2008-06-24T13:57:00.003+01:00

Have just been watching a film about the World's Biggest Strawberry (note the use of capital letters to make it look more impressive).

I kid you not - it's HUGE! Five inches across - which I guess doesn't sound all that impressive but this thing is dwarfing lemons and apples. It's a little on the odd looking side and seems to have taken on a slight jelly like consistency around the edges - but it is quite definitely a strawberry. And a very large one at that.

It got me wondering. Everything in life must have a super sized version. Somewhere there must be a giant flee hopping around wondering why he's so different from all the others. Perhaps there's a whopper of a plankton drifting about in the huge oceans who has difficulty finding a pair of shoes to fit. And maybe there's a snail who's just too big to squeeze into his own shell and is the talk of all of his friends.

Average is boring.

Big is ... er .... big. Really big.

So here's the joke (best one of the year so far) ...

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having dinner at an expensive New York restaurant. It was the place to be seen and both had dressed for the occasion.

Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest suit. But the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.

"I'm terribly sorry," said waiter.

"So you should be," replied Fred.

"Thanks to you I've got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails."

Neat trick

2008-06-23T14:10:00.003+01:00

Here's a new magic trick you can try.

Go to the seaside on the windiest day possible. Make sure you're carrying a heavy bag with straps just too short to allow you to sling it over your shoulder comfortably without it constantly slipping down your arm.

Next locate a burger van and order a regular cheeseburger and a large polystyrene cup of piping hot black coffee. Make sure you ask the nice owner of aforementioned van that your drink is indeed hotter than the sun. Oh - and ignore any lids offered.

Ensuring that the wind speed has not dropped proceed to wander around the corner with bag teetering on shoulder, burger in one hand halfway to mouth and cup of coffee at the ready in the other. Round corner at precise moment the wind reaches terminal velocity and watch in amazement as the magic happens (you may want to say "Abracadabra" at this exact point - I chose to mutter something else altogether).

The coffee will levitate out of the cup rising into a majestic arc. At this point the wind will also cause the bag to mysteriously levitate from shoulder jerking arm and throwing the remaining contents of the cup up in the air. The magician then shows his skill by catching most of the only slightly cooled coffee straight in the face at the same time as dropping cheeseburger onto foot.

Eat your heart out David Blaine.

Actually no - that might give him ideas.

With any luck.

So here's the joke ...

A wealthy lawyer had a summer house in the backwoods of Maine. One weekend he invited a Czech friend to stay with him. The pair were out picking berries for breakfast when they were approached by two huge bears - one male, one female. The lawyer managed to escape but his friend was swallowed whole by the male bear.

The lawyer drove to the sheriff's office and begged him to come and help his friend before it was too late. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and the two men drove back to the place of attack. The bears were still there.

"He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male bear - but the sheriff shot the female instead.

"What did you do that for?" screamed the lawyer - "I said he was in the other one."

"Exactly," said the sheriff .... "But would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

Back to school ....

2008-06-20T13:16:00.002+01:00

I'm going through a bit of a retro period with my food at the moment.

I've had fish fingers for tea two nights running now. I actually caught myself craving a fish finger and salad cream sandwich during the show today. And this morning, out of nowhere, I got the unstoppable urge for dippy egg and soldiers. An urge so strong I ended up being half an hour late for work.

Last night down the pub conversation turned to Findus Crispy Pancakes. Remember them? No idea whether they are still available but I always remember having those in the 80's. They were bright orange breadcrumbed half moons which became nuclear hot on the inside - kind of the savoury equivalent to the pop tart.

The orange outside invariably got burnt a bit under the grill due to lack of concentration on the chef's part. And then between the crispy outside and the molten hot beef and onion filling was this kind of pale cream inside - which presumably was the pancake part.

Oh happy days - just thinking about them has made me want to go down the frozen aisle next time I go to the supermarket to see if they still exist.

I fear they may have gone the same way as Spangles ....

Have a great weekend

So here's the joke ...

Swedish explorer Leif Erikkson returned from his voyage to the New World only to discover that his name had been removed from his home town register.

He was appalled and complained bitterly to the leader of the town council.

After investigating the oversight, the council leader apologized saying .....

"Sorry but he must have taken Leif off his Census."

Surf's up ... and down .. and then up again

2008-06-19T14:46:00.002+01:00

Oh my goodness I can't tell you how much I am aching today.

I'm walking like John Wayne. Well - John Wayne with a swollen ankle and a stiff neck. I got absolutely beasted by Boscombe surf yesterday. Great fun.

Now I know all you surf dudes will be thinking there was nothing to it yesterday - not much bigger than a couple of feet - but it was a pretty hectic couple of feet in a howling gale and I found myself well and truly in the proverbial washing machine.

Surf instructor Jonty was trying to get me to paddle out back - believe you me I would have done if it wasn't for the fact that wherever I was that was the exact spot the next big wave would break and send me 2 metres back with a mouthful of the finest South Coast seawater.

Used my head a couple of times to check how solid the my board was. I can happily report it passed the test.

Am even more determined than ever to get better and so will be launching myself back in off the beach as soon as I can get back down. Hope to do the show from down there later in the year and so need to be able to Hang 10 by August.

If my old bones last that long.

So here's the joke ...

A man who specialized in puns thought he had an outstanding chance of winning a pun contest run by his local newspaper. He sent the paper no fewer than ten different entries in the hope that one of them might win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Dragon's Den awaits ....

2008-06-18T12:45:00.002+01:00

I have a new invention.

The Happy Horn.

To avoid any confusion on the roads I am proposing that all cars are fitted with two horns.

The first would be your bog standard horn to alert motorists and/or pedestrians to your impending arrival. This horn also acts as a stress relief device if held down for more than 2 seconds after some idiot infront of you does something really stupid.

The second device would be the Happy Horn button.

Soundwise more of a honk than a toot.

This would be used when leaving family events whilst relatives are giving you a cheery wave from their front door. Alternatively you can use the Happy Horn when you recognise someone walking down the road and you're driving past.

In most instances you'd need to give the Happy Horn two friendly honks ... ie beep, beep!!!

The other invention I'm currently working on is a button in the car which deploys a Happy Hand to wave at a nice motorist who has just let you out of the junction. And of course if you drive past your friend you can press Happy Horn and then Happy Hand in that order for the full effect.

What do you reckon?

This time next year I'm going to be a millionaire.

So here's the joke ....

A tourist couple are visiting Moscow with their Russian guide, Rudolph. One day the couple decide they want to visit Gorky Park, but Rudolph looks at the sky and tells them they can't as it will rain soon. Sure enough a couple of hours later it starts to rain. Next day the couple want to go to Red Square, but again Rudolph looks at the sky and predicts rain. Sure enough a few hours later it starts to pour down. The next day the couple decide they want to go to the Moscow woods but Rudolph looks at the sky and tells them it will rain.

"It can't rain", complains the husband. "Look at the sky. There's not a cloud to be seen."

His wife pipes up, and says ... "I think Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Could have been worse ....

2008-06-17T13:46:00.003+01:00

Not much worse ... but it could have been worse.

I was rubbish. Absolutely hopeless. My cricketing/baseball skills let me down and I was bowled out for just a single run.

I'm blaming a variety of factors of course.

Firstly, my general lack of any ability and/or skill. Secondly, the opposition at the beautiful village of Woodgreen played very dirty and provided the most delicious cricket tea thus rendering me useless as I waddled around four strawberry and cream scones, numerous rounds of egg and cress sandwiches and a variety of spectacular cakes the heavier. And thirdly, and possibly the main reason for my poor performance, they have just about the most idyllic setting for their ground you can imagine and there is just far too much to gaze at.

It helps, apparently, if you always watch the ball.

So yesterday to try to salvage some sort of credibility on the sporting front myself and Producer Lewis tried a quick 9 hole in the afternoon. All I can say about that - indeed all I want to say about that - was that it was an incredibly good value for money round of golf. Pound per shot an absolute bargain.

No football last night - due to swollen ankle - but very excited about the prospect of mid week surf down in Boscombe either tomorrow or Thursday. Have spent the last week watching the charts and finally, finally it looks like there's half a decent chance of something rideable appearing.

So am working a monster long day today so I can play hookey tomorrow after the show and get on down to Bournemouth. Mind you - as a 37 year old - playing hookey invariably means doing more work the day before and after as a guilty conscience is a terrible thing.

Anyway - must work, surf's up ...

So here's the joke ...

Three animals - a bird of prey, a lion and a skunk are arguing about which is the most fearsome.

The bird of prey says it's the most fearsome as it's the fastest.

The lion says it's the most fearsome because it's the strongest.

The skunk says it's the most fearsome as it's the worst smelling.

Just then a bear came along and swallowed them all .... hawk, lion and stinker.

Big Cricket Sunday

2008-06-13T13:31:00.003+01:00

I should imagine this is exactly how Michael Vaughan feels.

Nervous pacing up and down, numerous checks in kit bag to make sure you've got everything, a growing sense of anticipation.

The BBC South cricket team is getting wheeled out on Sunday. Kevan James is heading up the wide array of talent and we've got our 100 percent record to protect. (Technically we have only played one game this season but nonetheless that's a 100 percent record and I'm sticking by it).

My new found baseball stance served me well last time - I know it's frowned upon however it got results - and I've been practicing waddling up and down the lounge with an orange between my knees to simulate running between the wickets with a box.

It's only a matter of time before the professional cricketers catch on to my genius. Bum out, knees bent, bat hovvering in mid air.

Time it right and you take the glory.

Time it wrong and you look an absolute chump.

Only time will tell if I time it this time if you see what I mean.

Have a great weekend and steer clear of Fordingbridge on Sunday afternoon. No idea where this ball is going to go ....

So here's the joke ...

Julius Caesar is addressing the crowd at the Coliseum.

"Friends , Romans and countrymen, I have returned from my campaign in France where I killed 50,000 Gauls!"

The crowd rises to it's feet and cheers "Hail, mighty Caesar!!!"

At this point Brutus jumps up and yells "Caesar lies. I've discovered he only killed 25,000!"

"Ah yes," replies Caesar "but away Gauls count double in Europe."

Handing in the badge

2008-06-12T13:58:00.003+01:00

If this was a cop show here's the part when I'm in the office (which invariably has a glass door with backward writing on) with the chief and I'm handing over the gun and the badge.

He'd be saying something along the lines of "You're off the case, Cuthill."

I'd be saying things like "But chief just give me 24 hours ...."

Apparently my blog is about to be debadged. The powers that be have decided it can't be BBC branded anymore. Quite why not no-one seems able to explain but nonetheless it will all change magically at some point. Apparently it's all very complicated but to enable us to do things in the future at this point in time we can't be doing other things now .... I just wisely nodded, stroked my chin with a sense of authority and agreed wholeheartedly.

That's what I get paid for.

Anyway I don't think I've upset anyone and am fairly sure I've still got a job - I say fairly sure on the basis that I keep turning up and security continue to let me in. You can never quite tell.

Elsewhere the surf is still flat as a pancake. It's been like this for a couple of weeks so I guess summer (despite the rain) is well and truly upon us. Itching to try out the new board that's sat sadly in the corner of my bedroom in it's bag eversince I bought it. Every now and again I get it out, have a look at it, put a bit more wax on it and then put it away.

It's turning into the surfing equivalent a sandwich toaster.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

So here's the joke ....

A man is walking along the beach, finds a bottle and uncorks it. A genie flies out and says, "I will grant you three wishes.

"Great!" says the man. "I know exactly what I want. First, I want a billion pounds in a Swiss bank account."

Poof! The genie hands him a piece of paper with his account information on it.

"Super! Second, I want a brand new red Porsche."

Poof! There's a brand new car with the keys in the ignition.

The man says, "Wonderful! Finally…I want to be irresistible to women!"

Poof! There is a flash of light, and he turns into a bar of chocolate.
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Chaos reigns

2008-06-11T13:26:00.003+01:00

Ok - that may be a little bit on the dramatic side.

But my blogging is all over the shop at the moment. No idea what happened yesterday. And I can't say it was down to my crazy, roller coaster, jet set life style (still waiting for that particular episode of my 30's to kick in).

I may have just dozed off on the sofa (rock'n'roll!!!)

To be fair though I should imagine even the biggest hell raisers must have had the odd day off. Ghengis Khan for example can't have been ransacking villages, being bad tempered and pulling wings off flies every day, surely? Keith Richards must occasionally have a night in watching Miss Marple on the telly? And even Amy Winehouse must have the odd soft drink?

Anyway - I've had a serious word with myself (in between snoozes) and will be gracing the internet blog scene with my presence 5 days a week.

The other thing I've noticed about this blogging lark is it makes you realise exactly how dull parts of your life are. Obviously I'm not about to start making things up .... and as I thought whilst handgliding over the Himalaya's just the other day it's the boring bits which can be the most interesting.

Sadly not if you have to read them.

So here's the joke ...

A man runs over a cat.

The cat's address is on it's collar so the man goes to apologies to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers.

The man says, 'I'm so sorry. I have just run over your cat. Can I replace it?'

'I don't know,' says the old lady. 'Depends if you're any good at catching mice."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Holland 1 Italy 0

2008-06-09T20:13:00.004+01:00

That's the current score as I splodge on my sofa writing this. Am currently armed with a cup of tea and a far too large white chocolate and strawberry crunch chocolate bar (supermarket impulse purchase - probably won't be having that impulse again.)

Anyway am watching the footy and can't quite work out if I'm fussed by it this year. It's definately not the same without the false placed optimism of England taking part. No stupid stories in the papers about middle aged men having odd tattoos done, no exotic team inspired silly haircuts and noone naming their baby "Euro 2008" much to their wife's obvious annoyance. No environment crippling plastic flags strewn in hedges and lay-bys after another failed penalty shoot out. And no booze fuelled fights involving people who yet again fail to see the irony of being an England supporter.

(Holland have just scored again)

Have decided to throw my support behind my office sweep stake team. Comparisons can be made with England. Spain on paper should do something, pundits have already mentioned that "this could be their year" and I have a whole pound riding on it.

Invariably that leads to only one thing.

And it's not a trophy.

(The Dutch nearly scored number 3)

Oh - and have decided I am too fat. My tummy no longer always goes in the same direction that I am going. Will dig out my handy fat reading gadget and provide daily updates for your amusement.

Off to play footy to work off that chocolate.

Speak soon

So here's the joke

A man stops by the house of his friend Jim in the Deep South of the US of A. Jim's wife answers the door.

"Is Jim there?" asks the friend

"No," replies Jim's wife, "He's gone to pick cotton."

Next day the friend stops by Jim's house again.

Again he knocks on the door and again Jim's wife answers.

"Is Jim there?" asks the man.

"No," replies the wife - "Jim's gone to pick cotton."

Next day the friend tries again. He knocks on the door of Jim's house and again it's opened by Jim's wife.

"Is Jim there?" asks the friend.

"No," replies the wife. "Jim's dead. We buried him in the backyard."

Jim's friend goes round to see Jim's grave and reads the inscription on his tombstone. It says ..

"Gone, but not for cotton."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

No rest for the wicked

2008-06-06T14:16:00.003+01:00

I don't want pity.

Keep your sympathy to yourselves.

But I'm working on Sunday.

Now the only reason I mention it is because I'm doing something quite interesting. I'm off on a Fear of Flying course. Not because I have a fear of flying but because I'm following someone with a fear of flying.

I can see why people might worry about it. I mean every now and again you're on a plane and there's the odd clunk or clank you weren't expecting which throws you slightly. My Dad refuses point blank to fly anywhere much to my Mum's frustration. Holidays for them are inevitably confined to driving to Northern France or a wet weekend in Devon.

Really curious to see how they approach it. It's a day long course which ends with all of us trooping off to Bourenmouth Airport for a couple of laps round the airfield in a plane.

Will tell you all about it next week on the show.

Other than that was hoping to go surfing although it's looking rather flat so will amuse myself with the continuing quest to find the perfect campervan.

Have a great weekend

So here's the joke ....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,

"The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence"
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,

"How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...

"Liver alone cheese mine."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Itchy & scratchy

2008-06-05T14:18:00.002+01:00

One of the benefits of this job is that, usually, no-one can see you.

Despite that the team are remarkably well turned out - normally shirts and even sometimes the odd tie. However I'm currently taking full advantage of the wireless as am sporting a beard that to be quite frank Grizzly Adams would be proud of. It's a monster.

I've gone past the stage where shaving it off would be enjoyable. In fact now I think it would be positively painful. Granted it's been a while since I've been completely clean shaven - there is usually a little bit there to keep my chin warm - but I've let it go and it's got to the stage when it's starting to get annoying.

Can't exactly tell you why or how it happened. I'm blaming the earlier starts and not enough time in the mornings to find the shears and trim it back.

However it is proving to be a useful too for a bit of ham acting. Now when I'm talking to someone and I need to look semi-intelligent and like I'm thinking I slowly rub it whilst nodding my head. Works a treat! Every bit the wise sage.

Hmmmmm .... (rubs beard, nods, looks clever .... and a bit like Captain Birdseye - other fictitious bearded men are available)

So here's the joke ...

During a performance of a school nativity play at the local theatre a large crack appears in the middle of the performance area. As the evening progresses the crack becomes bigger and bigger until it finally develops into a hole. Everyone else manages to avoid it but when young Johnny steps forward as one of the Wisemen - he plunges straight through the hole ...

The audience gasps - but Johnny's father stands up and says .....

"Don't worry, it's just a stage he's going through."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Sorry sorry sorry

2008-06-04T13:19:00.003+01:00

I'm so rubbish.

There I am wittering on about how I miss it when I don't do my blog and I go and completely miss yesterday's ISA (Internet Scrawling Appointment).

Sorry.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon in a meeting. Nothing spectacular - all the normal stuff. Here at the Beeb they call it a Team Brief. However, I'm thinking of alerting Trading Standards on the grounds of a false and misleading description. If we're going to be completely correct, as we do have to be nowadays since Cookiegate, it needs to be renamed.

Team Anything But Brief?
Team I'm sorry I can't keep it Brief?
Team Bet You Wish It Was Brief?

Anyway - all good stuff but it did slightly throw my routine. (At my age any unscheduled changes can be quite unnerving). I ended up with a long list of things I should have done with no time to do them and rather than just start at the top and get on with it I spent the remainder of the day wandering around looking slightly lost mumbling about the fact I've got a long list of things to do and no time to do them.

That may be a unique quality of mankind - if so I'm a hostage to my genes.

If I was a woman I guess I'd be moaning about the long list of things to do whilst actually doing them.

The benefits of multi-tasking.

So here's the joke ...

A dear old lady's two cats - a ginger tom and a pretty tortoiseshell - passed away within weeks of each other. She couldn't bear the thought of being without them and so she decided to take them to a taxidermist and have them put on a display in her living room.

"These are my two cats," says the old lady. "They used to get on so well together."

"Ah - that's nice," says the taxidermist. "Tell me - do you want them mounted?"

"No, no," says the old lady. "Just holding paws."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Here's a funny thing

2008-06-02T19:31:00.003+01:00

I've just experienced a new phenomenon.

I tried to write my blog earlier this afternoon but the system wouldn't let me. Now it may be the internet has suddenly upped the standards of it's contributors (have just checked and Peter Andre still has a website so it can't be that) - or it could be merely a matter of taste - but it just plain refused. Denied. Grrrrr!!!

And that's when it struck.

I have begun suffering from blog withdrawl. How sad is that?! Actually don't answer that - I already know the answer. But it got me thinking.

When I started writing this thing it was all new and exciting and I was spending ages staring at my computer screen thinking of something witty/deep to say. Granted when that didn't happen I'd just write any sort of jibberish but jibberish that would "inform and entertain" as per BBC requirement 37a.

But slowly over the months I've noticed it's changed. It has kind of morphed into cyberspace therapy - possibly more for me than you - but therapy nonetheless. A kind of downloading of the bits of life which annoy or frustrate me, or make me happy or sad or stuff I need to get off my chest.

So my blog is my virtual couch and I'm assuming you're sat there in the leather chair with a beard and a clipboard about to ask me to tell you about my parents.

Possibly in a smoking jacket with leather patches on the elbows.

And a pipe.

And slippers.

I've got a lot to tell.

So here's the joke ....

An engineer dies and is sent to Hell. He sets to work on the amenities and after a while they've got hot and cold running water, air conditioning, and flushing toilets. One day God hears about the increasing comfort levels in Hell and demands that the engineer is sent up to Heaven.

"No way!" says the Devil. "I like having an engineer around. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or i'll sue."

"Oh yeah?" says the Devil, "And where are you going to find a lawyer?!"
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Countdown meltdown

2008-05-30T14:36:00.003+01:00

The more observant of you will have noticed the Countdown to Mid Life Crisis-o-Meter is now sub 1000 days.

Technically I know there's no huge difference between 1000 days and 999 days but it does all now seem alarmingly close.

A lot closer than say, yesterday, for example.

Have decided I need to fully prepare for my MLC (Mid Life Crisis). Am giving some serious thought to investing in pairs of poorly fitting jeans that hang half way up my stomach, several pairs of cowboy boots and some aviator sunglasses. I also need to start drinking real ale in a bid to gain an MLP (Mid Life Paunch)

Another thing I need to start doing is making strange noises whenever I bend down to pick anything up. Sort of a cross between a sigh and a grunt.

I intend to embrace middle age wholeheartedly.

If only for the beige corduroy.

So here's the joke ...

A dog is sitting in a cinema with it's owner. The dog stares at the screen intently and growls whenever the villain appears and wags it's tail whenever the hero comes on. An old lady has been watching the dog's behaviour. She turns to it's owner and says ...

"That's quite extraordinary ...."

"You're right," says the owner.

"He hated the book."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

And still they come ...

2008-05-29T13:12:00.004+01:00

It's day 2 for applications for the Jon Cuthill Show Rounders Team.

Emails are coming in thick and fast from prospective candidates responding to my initial request for anyone who can swing and knows how to handle balls.

Here are some of the responses ....

"Love rounders and think I match that criteria ...(?!?!) - Julie Massiter, drive producer

"Played rounders for Lancashire until I was 17. I am a genius short catcher. Never dropped a catch in my life. Ever. Not a bad bowler and If I get bat on ball watch that puppy fly my friend!" - Talia Slack, breakfast producer.

"I am up for it - I could score if nothing else!!!" - Charlie Crocker, afternoon presenter.

"Yup, but I guarantee that when I am batting I will hit the ball miles, but someone will be standing underneath it and I'll be caught out first ball, and then when we are fielding I will have one catch to make in the entire match and I will drop it." - Ed Sherry, breakfast producer.

"I'm up for it" - Victoria Bartlett, afternoon producer

Now I know a bad workman has a habit of blaming his tools but with the tools I've been given there are only so miracles I can perform.

However ....

We shall be victorious ...
We will win ...
And all of us indeed hope that Charlie does manage to score.
And more to the point gets a run ...

Young Farmers of Hampshire start running now ....

So here's the joke ...

A couple send their everso slightly dim son to a special tutor to help him catch up on his schoolwork.

After a month they ask for a progress report.

'He's getting straight As' says the tutor.

'That's fantastic' say the parents.

'Yes, they're great' says the tutor. 'But his B's are still a bit wonky .....'
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

And now more sport ...

2008-05-28T13:28:00.007+01:00

Who needs Euro 2008 when you have the weekend of sporting delights I have just witnessed?

I say weekend - to be more factually correct it was indeed a Super Sporting Sunday. First off congratulations again to Matty for his epic 10k race. We've been building up to the race on the show for the past 10 weeks and we all went down to Ropley on Sunday morning to cheer him on.

It was just brilliant to see him complete the race. Check out his blog for the film we made of him running the race of his life.

It was a truly great moment on a grey old Sunday morning.

And then come the afternoon it was off to Brown Candover for the annual cricket match between the village and BBC South. The sun came out, I dropped a couple of catches - although in such an athletic manner no-one seemed to mind - and then had a bat and hit a boundary for the winning runs. Doesn't get any better than that. As for the tea - always first class.

Anyway the upshot of it is one of the opposition asked me, due to my "unique" batting style if I played baseball. Mentioned it on the radio this morning and we have been challenged by a bunch of Hampshire Young Farmers to a game of rounders.

Have just started recruiting players for the Solent All Star Swingers (not entirely sure if we can get away with a name like that).

So far no-one has noticed.

So here's the joke ...

A man finds an odd-looking bottle and rubs it. Much to his surprise, a genie appears. 'for releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes' says the genie. 'but there's a catch. For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you ask for.' First the man wishes for a Ferrari. Poof! A Ferrari appears in front of him. 'now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris' says the genie. 'what is your next wish?' 'I could really use a million pounds,' replies the man. Poof! One million pounds appears at his feet. 'now every lawyer in the world is two million pounds richer,' the genie reminds him. 'what is your third wish?'...

"well," says the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney ...."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

That Fresh Friday Feeling

2008-05-23T14:40:00.003+01:00

Can't believe it's nearly June.

How did that happen? And another Bank Holiday weekend!

Have somehow managed to wangle a couple of days off next week so I've got a 4 day break from today. However due to lack of planning and/or understanding the female mind I appear to be in more hot water.

Had already said yes to playing cricket and turning out for Matt's race on Sunday without checking with the walking, talking personal organisor. Apparently 4 years ago or thereabouts discussions had taken place, on a Tuesday, about going away this weekend.

Being a man I made a mental note, grunted and nodded.

And then promptly forgot.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on which side of the fence you're sitting, I think rain may stop play cricketwise on Sunday afternoon at Brown Candover. Am confident Matt will whizz round the 10k course so it'll be an early bath and I'll be off the hook. No idea what I'll end up doing - camping was mentioned. Surfing too. Mildly concerned as I haven't looked at the tent since the Brownsea Island escapades of last year.

Probably got a squirrel in it.

Have a great Bank Holiday - back on air on Wednesday. Go Matt, go!!!

So here's the joke ...

Phil and Dave went for a game of golf one Saturday afternoon, but Phil was under strict instructions from his wife to be back by four o'clock because she wanted him to take her shopping.

Four passed, then five, and six. Eventually, Phil arrived home around seven. "WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN?" she screamed.

"Honey, a terrible thing happened. We made it to the first green when Dave dropped dead."
Feeling guilty, the wife said, "that's awful."

"You're telling me," Phil says.

"The rest of the round it was hit the ball, drag Dave, hit the ball, drag dave..."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tea for two

2008-05-22T13:40:00.003+01:00

How could I be so stupid?!

I've just fallen for it again. I can't believe how dumb I am sometimes. And after all my good work yesterday.

I'd better explain.

Everyone knows that an office thrives on it's coffee and teas. And everyone knows that making the tea can be a bit of a pain unless you're having a really bad day and you need a screen break. Anyway to liven things up we play a game between everyone on the show which basically boils down to making someway say either tea or coffee by mistake at which point everyone shouts yes please and hands them their cup or mug.

Yesterday I got Lewis a corker. As veterans of the game we're usually all on full alert for cheap shots such as "What's the name of that peg you put your golf balls on?" or "How do you spell transmitter?". Obviously you need to do a bit of acting - with the spelling ones you have tobe typing whilst looking at your PC screen with an inline of "Is it double m?"

All of us are supercompetitive and so when someone throws out a question we all yell out the answer which opens us all up to the next round of teas or coffees.

Yesterday I began with a serious sounding question about whether it would make an interesting piece on the radio about the various cuts of meat. Both Al and Lewis piped up with various responses clearly having taken the bait. With guards down my next question was whether people in the street could name the different cuts - I threw in a lamb shank as an example.

More talk, and no suspiscious looks.

With them both oblivious to the trap I asked the master question - "How many steaks are there."

Step forward Lewis "Competitive" Coombes who piles in with T-bone and the cry goes up and the mugs are raised.

Anyway - that was then - this is now and Newman has just got me a beauty with a hoax about a supermarket bringing out an item of clothing for 6p. Could we guess it? What could it be - Scarf? Gloves? Hanky? Hat?

As the words left my mouth I knew it was too late ....

"T- shirt?"

"Yes please!!!!!"

So here's the joke ...

Through the pitch black night, a navy captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

The reply came back:

"And I'm a lighthouse, it's your call"
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Crisis management

2008-05-21T13:36:00.004+01:00

I've so got to knuckle down and sort my life out.

It's just so typical me and yet I'm always surprised at just how bad I let it get.

I find I work best to deadlines however I always, without fail, end up leaving everything to the last minute. I should imagine that's how I entered the world and no doubt it will be the style I leave it in.

I'll jump in my coffin just as it shuts.

Usually my chosen method of chaos management is fine. You only get one deadline at a time and everything can be sorted out in time. Sometimes though you'll get what I should imagine in high powered management circles they'd called "Deadline Stacking". It's when all of a sudden, completely out of the blue, everything has to be done.

Now of course it could be argued that with a bit of planning I'd have seen it coming and that no deadline if you're told about it comes "out of the blue". However, that aside, I find myself staring at a seemingly impossible mountain to climb that needs to be climbed yesterday.

So what to do?

Am going down the pub to think about it.

Never missed a deadline yet.

So here's the joke ...

Three tortoises went on a picnic. It took them ages to crawl to a suitable spot and when they eventually got there, they realised that they had forgotten the chocolate biscuits. The two older tortoises turned to the youngest and said: "Will you pop home and fetch the biscuits?"

"Why me?" he asked.

"Because you've got younger legs."

After much persuasion, he relented, but only on the condition that they didn't start drinking the ice cold lemonade until he returned.

"We promise not to touch a drop," they said.

So the young tortoise set off on the crawl home. Well, after three hours, the other two were gasping for a drink so they took the bottle of ice cold lemonade out of the picnic basket.

As they did so a little head peered round a nearby rock and said: "If you do, I won't go!"
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Ever played World Cup?

2008-05-20T14:24:00.003+01:00

Very nearly ended up doing something I haven't done for years last night.

World Cup.

Remember playing that? It's the game you play at school or down the park with your football mates when not quite enough people have turned up for a proper game. Works best with an odd number - the odd number is the official goalie and then either as individuals or pairs you try to score to go through to the next round. If you're a World Cup veteran then the "you can only score with a volley or a header rule" also applies.

So there I was in Romsey last night for the regular exhibition of high quality football. Last week there was a solid 7 a side turnout. This week just 7.

Was midly concerned we were missing something - there was a moment when we all stood around wandering what we'd forgotten about on TV etc. Everyone convinced themselves the Chelsea vs Man United game was definately on Wednesday and that no, it wasn't a Bank Holiday.

The goal posts were moved a little closer.

The uneven teams were hand picked. ("Er how about you lot versus us lot?" - the Sven model)

The additional team-with-the-most-players-can-only-have-2-touches rule instigated and away we went. And it was bloomin' marvellous.

All of us wanting to win but all of us too polite just to bang one in from 30 yards as that would go against the spirit of the (very polite) game.

Better than 11-a-side anyday.

So here's the joke ...

A young man went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realised he had forgotten his swimming trunks. Since nobody was about, he decided to jump in naked.

An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching. He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at him, he felt decidedly awkward.

One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."

The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking do you?"

"Yes," she said, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Operation Big Hands

2008-05-19T13:38:00.006+01:00

For the past week or so if you'd been really observant you might have noticed a lot of hushed conversations in corridors and studios throughout the building.

The week before last Little Graham (engineer) let slip that Big Malc (slightly larger engineer) was hitting a big-0 this weekend. Now ask anyone who works at a radio station and they'll tell you that the only thing keeping everyone going (apart from the coffee) are the engineers.

At BBC Radio Solent we love ours - they are the most patient, forgiving, hard working people I know. These are people who can still raise a smile whilst explaining for the 8th time exactly why it was you'd succeeded on switching off the transmitter. These are the people who will replace faders without resorting to physical violence when another cup of coffee is spilled. These are the people who keep the station air with only a piece of string, a bit of sticky tape and a lot of know how.

So there we were - all hiding downstairs with our fake Malcolm beards stuck on with sellotape. Everyone had brought in a bowl or a dish of something and even Producer Lewis and Big Col (IT guru) had a go a providing birthday cakes.

Drivetime's Julie Massiter was given the task of, for want of a better phrase, lying to Big Malc to get him downstairs where we all jumped out.

The look on his face was priceless.

Of course he'll never trust us again but it was worth it. Happy Birthday Malc.

You don't look 60.

So here's the joke ...

After England are drawn to play Scotland (or any other team) in the Euro 2000 play offs, manager Kevin Keegan and the team are chatting in the dressing room before the match.

"Look guys, I know they're rubbish" says Keegan "but we have to play them to keep UEFA happy."

"Tell you what" says Michael Owen. "You guys go down the pub and I'll play Scotland on my own."

So Keegan and the rest of the team go off to the pub for a drink. Later, Keegan turns on the telly and sees the score is 1 nil to England. Happy, he returns to his pint and a game of darts. When the team return to the hotel later, Keegan is horrified to see the final score was 1-1.

The team all run back to the dressing room...

"What went wrong?" says Keegan ...

"I got sent off in the 11th minute."

_ _ _ _

Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Go West young(ish) man

2008-05-15T14:43:00.003+01:00

Bristol here I come!

Don't get excited it's only for tomorrow - am attending a training day with my fellow mid morning radio presenters across the country. Should be good - it's always fun to find out how other people do it so to speak.

It's billed as a chance to talkthrough shows and exchange radio ideas. However it invariably leads to a day of everyone nicking each other's best bits on the basis that at least one person is brave enough/stupid enough to share theirs.

(Mental note to self and any passing MP's - don't type it out and then parade ideas in public in a clear folder)

Anyway expect a raft of new features from Monday!

Still slightly confused about this business of letters on phone buttons. Proper office and home phones I'm talking about. Look at yours and see where all the letters are.

a) what's the point of them anyway?
b) why are there no letters on the number 1? What's everyone got against it?

Various explainations have come in about the way telephone exchanges worked and the fact the number 1 was the operators number but I'm sure there's more to it ...

Anyway - look after TP tomorrow - he's doing Friday's show - and I'll see you next week.

Have a great (if slightly early) weekend.

JC

PS Now I've found out it's so easy to put photo's up will attempt a few more for you.

So here's the joke ...

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the M27.

A police officer pulls it over.

"What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.

"You are going 27mph on a motorway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver.

"You must go at least 30mph."

"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 27!" the driver replies.

"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Motorway 27! The 27 isn't the speed limit!"

The driver leans back in their seat and the cop sees a woman sitting in the passenger seat - She looked as pale as a ghost.

"What happened to her?" the officer asks.

"We've just come off the M275."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Spot the difference

2008-05-14T14:11:00.014+01:00

Seem to remember I promised many blogs ago I'd stick up some pictures of my holiday in Rome.

Anyway was flicking through them trying to weed out the more embarrassing/compromising ones when all of a sudden I noticed this.

Now it may be purely down to watching too many episodes of the Bourne Identity and Mission Impossible but look carefully. There I am in Rome attempting to blend in. Everything seems to going well and then this picture is taken at the Spanish Steps.

Check out the man just over my left shoulder ...

Ever so slightly freaky, isn't it?

Next photo - he has completely vanished (this is the part where you do the high pitched do-do-do-do do-do-do-dooo tune).

Trained assassin or someone who wants to form a boy band?

You decide.

So here's the joke ...

A man was sitting alone in a restaurant, finishing his coffee and free after-dinner mints when he suddenly heard a voice say: "Wow! You look great tonight. I love that shirt."

The man looked round to see where the voice was coming from but the only other person in the room was a waiter, so he called him over.

"Excuse me," said the man. "Did you say something?"

"Not me, sir," replied the waiter.

A few minutes later the same thing happened again. This time the voice said "And your hair really suits you in that style. It makes you look years younger"

Once more, the man summoned the waiter. "Did you say something just then?" he inquired.

"No sir" replied the waiter. "Not a word."

"Well, that's twice I've heard a voice and you're the only other person in the room."

The waiter thought for a moment. "This voice, did it say nice things or rude things?"

"Nice things," said the man ......

'Well, that's it then,' said the waiter. "It's the mints - they're complimentary."

_ _ _ _

Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Life's not a competition but I'm winning

2008-05-13T13:22:00.003+01:00

It was National Test Your Blood Pressure Day today apparently.

Two lovely people from the Stroke Association have set up camp in the BBC restaurant/canteen with their blood pressure reading device and we're all getting a free test. After a five minute chat about diets and the like you're presented with a card with your blood pressure reading on.

For the record I am 125/78.

Somewhat inevitably however it has descended into a competition between everyone on the station to see who had the best reading. I don't like to boast but ....

Producer Lewis 134/85 (clearly taking it easy - needs to work harder)
Producer Alun 136/86 (must consume more salt to make Management levels)
Manager Helena 139/79 (had just come out of meeting)
Richard Latto 130/79 (just eaten chips)
Alison Leslie 128/82 (now working on the Chelsea Flower Show - no longer has the word "stress" in her vocabulary)

Why don't you get yours checked out soon - only takes a couple of minutes.

And why is it that everyone who works with me seems to have a higher blood pressure than I do?

Funny that.

So here's the joke ...

A sailor went to an auction and bid for a parrot. The sailor bid 50 pounds, but someone else bid 70 pounds. The sailor bid 90 pounds, but someone else bid 100 pounds. The sailor bid 120 pounds, but someone else bid 140.

The sailor was determined to buy the bird and put in a final bid of 200 pounds. This time there were no other bids and the parrot was sold to the sailor.

"That's a lot of money I've paid for this bird," said the sailor to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer, "who do you think's been bidding against you?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Get on yer bike ...

2008-05-12T15:22:00.004+01:00

You're off the hook.

There I was thinking you'd have to sing the theme to The Good, The Bad and the Ugly whilst reading this but nope - feel free to consume in absolute silence (with a mildly disappointed tut when you get to today's punchline).

You see I was fairly sure I'd be walking like John Wayne this morning having hit the bike hard at the weekend. The result? A 40 mile New Forest jaunt interrupted only by two pubs (granted I visited one twice so technically it should be three - however it didn't seem as impressive when I wrote down three so I've changed it back to 2. Even the Tour De France wouldn't sound quite as good if it was revealed they all stopped off at every Little Chef or, I suppose, Petite Chef along the way).

Pub count for the weekend increases to 4 if I count the Happy Cheese in Ashurst. Ended up there on Saturday when I dragged my parents out for a walk when they visited from Dorchester at the weekend. Saying that I think it was more a case of them dragging me out for a walk but it was a beautiful day and - not wanting to sound soppy - as I get older I definately enjoying hanging out with them more. Have decided that - and this will come as a blow for any teenagers reading - parents are actually quite cool.

Cooked for them in my new kitchen. All seemed to go down well and they even handed over an Easter Egg from Simon (eldest brother) that they'd been holding hostage until I had invited them over. Haven't checked the Use by Date and have a slight suspicion that may be the reason it is still intact but the thought was all there.

As was, more surprisingly, the chocolate.

So here's the joke ...

Three men were waiting expectantly outside the labour ward of the city hospital. After a few minutes, a nurse came out to tell the first man....

"Congratulations! you are the father of twins ..."

"Twins!" he exclaimed " how about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company!"

Five minutes later, a nurse came out to tell the second man...

"Congratulations! You are the father of triplets."

"Triplets! what an amazing coincidence! I work for the 3M organisation!"

The third man stood up ashen-faced and muttered:

"I need some air. I work for 7 - up!!!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

It's the little things ....

2008-05-09T13:51:00.002+01:00

Despite previous promises I wouldn't constantly refer to my age for today's purposes I need to.

I'm 37.

And yet last night there I was in the park next to my house lobbing things at a tree inbetween crying with laughter.

It all began with an innocent game of frisbee or in this case aerobie (the frisbee equivalent to the polo mint ie nothing in the middle). A small quantity of red wine had been consumed, purely for aiming purposes, and great fun was being had by myself and my fellow chucker.

Final throw of the night (why does it always happen on the final throw of the night) and despite claims that her throw was caught by the wind (am fairly sure she's just cock-eyed) my beloved aerobie sails into aforementioned tree (not sure of species).

Now all boys know the immediate remedy is to find stuff to chuck at it in a bid to dislodge stuck item from tree. So first off up went the reasonably sized stick. And there it stayed. Next - after a trot back over the road to my house - came the ball (too small to prove effective) and the sponge cricket bat. Sponge bat launched skywards to frisbee - and that's where is stayed.

Back to the house this time returning with larger stick. Clearly the stick was not large enough as the first lob proved.

So - in the tree one frisbee, one reasonably sized stick, one sponge cricket bat and one larger stick.

Darkness was descending on St James' Park.

Back home I go - this time for the heavy artillery - a plank of 6 x 2 wood - the stuck frisbee equivalent of a Cruise Missile. Unfortunately it would appear a Cruise Missile generally speaking is easier to aim than a large plank. This may explain any passersby seeing a grown man diving out of the way of a floorboard falling at speed from a tree and lying on the floor looking skywards laughing so hard it hurt .... happy days.

Anyway to cut an already long story short I now once again am the owner of a frisbee, a sponge bat, a reasonably sized stick, a slightly larger one and a plank of wood.

Football anyone?

So here's the joke ...

A young woman had a terrible toothache but was reluctant to go to the dentist because she was so frightened of his drill. Eventually, however, she was in such discomfort that she decided to pluck up the courage.

"I'm really scared," she told the dentist as she entered the surgery. " I don't know which is worse - having a tooth filled or having a baby?"

"Well," said the dentist, "make your mind up before I adjust the chair .....
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

The irony's not missed

2008-05-08T13:38:00.003+01:00

It's official - I have entered into the realms of Myface or Spacebebo or Facespace or whatever it's called.

Well to be fair I actually haven't done a thing but apparently my moles tell me I'm on there. The Jon Cuthill Appreciation Page has been stuck up with a grand total of, as of first thing this morning, 6 glorious members.

How cool is that?!!? Almost enough for a game of footy and definately enough for a netball team (I see myself as Goal Attack).

The whole problem with the Facebook thing is the fact you can't help but count. That's why I've never subscribed. I mean a glorious 6 members does me fine but already my supportive producers have pointed out that other presenters have a lot more members on their pages.

Thousands in fact.

And do you know what? I don't really care. I feel it gives me a much more exclusive look - more of a cult than a club. Some of the nicest things in the world are small, hidden and hard to find - like that beach that only you and your friends know about or the tiny pub you'd discovered in the middle of nowhere but can't find again.

Or, as it turns out, my little page of FaceSpace.

So here's the joke ...

Two men were talking in a bar. One asked: "What are you going to get your wife for your twentieth wedding anniversary?"

"I was thinking about a trip to Australia," said the other "She'd love that."

"A trip to Australia?! That's mighty impressive. But how will you be able to top that for yor twenty-fifth anniversary?"

"I'm not sure - maybe I'll pay for her fare back.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Hmmmm

2008-05-07T14:08:00.003+01:00

Have decided I want to move house.

I live in part of a beautiful old house and I've been there for about 4 years now but have got itchy feet (fairly sure it's not Athlete's Foot). Granted my timing probably couldn't have been any worse if I'd tried (the much documented credit crunch and all) but I reckon a move could be on the cards this year.

Parking's turning into a bit of a nightmare and if I'm serious about getting the camper I need somewhere to put it.

Also there was a big old scrap near where I live the other night and by the time the third police unit rolled up at 2am and the dogs were unleashed the decision had been made.

The Clash may have asked the question - but I now have the answer.

So have been kind of looking around not very seriously on the off chance a new Cuthill Towers can be found. So far have found a funny round house by the river, half a town house and a roof top abode with far to many steps for after the pub.

Am beginning to realise I may have bought the world's most expensive surfboard on the basis that ...

a) I now want to live nearer the sea
b) I now need a new vehicle to transport it to the sea
c) I now need new place to house the new vehicle needed to transport it to the sea.

Should have bought a skateboard.

So here's the joke ...

A group of chess enthusiasts booked into a hotel and were standing in the reception discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said....

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Bank holiday update

2008-05-06T13:19:00.002+01:00

Hope you had a good Bank Holiday break.

Isn't it always the way the day after the Bank Holiday the weather sorts itself out?! It's truly beautiful out there today - just sat outside for lunch - first time this year AND too early for pesky wasps.

Bonus.

Had a really lovely weekend. Went over to producer Al's for dinner where the girls passed out on the sofas whilst myself and Al played retro Space Invaders on his latest gadget. Looks like there was a miss spent youth there as I got absolutely thrashed and I don't think he was even trying.

Managed to fit a surf in down at Boscombe on Saturday - not quite the monster waves everyone was hoping for but good fun nonetheless and progress is slowing being made with another lesson. It is really starting to click.

And not just my bones.

You may have heard of my surf board crisis. Bought board without checking whether it fits in car - it doesn't. Won't go on roof so am currently trying to work out how I can take board to beach AND still be able to select second gear. It's proving tricky but am working on it.

And poor old Cherries. All I'm saying is that if it was purely down to the football played this season we would have stayed up. Sadly it's the business side that let us down this year and hopefully over the summer it can all be sorted so come August we've got a fighting chance of coming straight back up.

Bouncebackability - that's what they call it.

So here's the joke ...

A man spent 6 hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.

"Where have you been?" she demanded.

"I've been to this amazing bar," he slurs, rocking on his feet. "It's called the Golden Saloon and everything there is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden and even the toilets are golden."

"What rubbish," snapped the wife. "I don't believe a word of it."

"Here," said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper. "Ring this number if you don't believe me."

So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. "is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked.

"It is," replied the bartender.

"Tell me, " said the wife, "do you have two huge golden doors at the front of the building?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"And do you have golden floors?"

"Yup."

"What about golden urinals?"

There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender yell .....

"Hey Duke - I think I know what happened to your saxophone"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

My biggest regret

2008-05-02T13:12:00.003+01:00

Well alright not quite my biggest regret but it's pretty high up there.

I used to be the proud owner of a 1965 splitscreen VW camper - my pride and joy. She was truly beautiful. Cream and navy blue, the original cooker and sink, barn doors and a wobbly old speedo that rarely saw 60mph.

I had to sell her after moving to a house without a garage. Couldn't bear to see her rust away so bit the bullet and let her go. I've been regretting it eversince.

So much so that I've just started looking for another. From a practical point of view I think I'll go for a type 2. Mind you from a practical point of view I still haven't actually got a garage and parking is pretty tight where I live.

Have already been sounded out the parents to see if any garage space is available down at Cuthill towers in Dorchester. Mum did sound vaguely keen however Dad will be less than keen if his pride and joy Morris Traveller gets slung out due to campervan arriving. Friends are also being pestered on the basis of they can borrow it for weekends out too.

Anyway if I find one (garage and van) then it'll be surf board on the top and mountain bike on the back and a summer of fun.

The search begins - will keep you posted.

Have great weekend

So here's the joke ...

A guy went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

My body is a temple ...

2008-05-01T13:42:00.003+01:00

Am having a bad day on the whole healthy eating/you are what you eat front.

It started badly this morning when I left home without any breakfast. I'd even got healthy stuff from the supermarket last night so I could make lunch. I didn't. As a result so far I have consumed ....

1 can coke and chocolate bar (breakfast from vending maching canteen wasn't open at 0700)
3 black coffees
2 digestives
2 fried eggs, 2 sausages, chips and tomato ketchup (lunch from canteen)
1 cup of tea
1 piece of chewing gum (still chewing)

Now - I'm no dietician but even I know that's not quite the required five a day.

Playing footy on Monday night I did notice that my tummy accelerates a fraction slower than the rest of me and that if I stop suddenly it comes as a slight surprise to it.

My salad dodging days are numbered.

As soon as I finish the chocolate bar.

So here's the joke ...

Two men are out fishing in a boat and having great luck. In fact, they catch so much they have to go back early.

'This is great,' says the first man. 'We should mark the spot so we can come here again.' 'You're right,' says the second man, who promptly dives over the side and paints a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat.

They head for land, but just as they are about to dock, the first man looks at the seconds and says ....

'What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?'
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Free swim (I wish it was)

2008-04-30T13:34:00.006+01:00

Went to the gym last night - first time in ages.

I am what's known in fitness circles as pure profit. The money keeps coming - the member doesn't.

Anyhow was feeling sufficiently guilty about the outgoing on my bank statement - so a swim it was. Had a quick practice run through with my combination padlock (there was a previous unfortunate incident where I put my stuff in the locker and shut it only to realise I'd completely forgotton the combination.) Luckily though last night after a couple of turns it all came back to me and so off I went.

Couple of things of note. Firstly I found myself still rolling things up in my towel in exactly the same fashion as when I was 7.

Secondly, why does the smell and taste of chlorine give me an instant craving for cheese and onion crisps?

Am slightly disappointed the gym doesn't have one of those little foot pools you walk through full of old corn plasters and disinfectant so strong it can strip paint off a door. And no sign either of the notice informing patrons there'll be no ducking, diving, running or petting.

But why would anyone bring their rabbit swimming with them anyway?

So here's the joke ...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"You've left your injun running ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Back to school

2008-04-29T13:21:00.003+01:00

It's happening.

It was always going to happen. I just didn't know where, when or how it would start but yesterday it definitely started.

I felt comfortable wearing corduroy.

I inadvertently dressed like a geography teacher.

Oh my god - I've started to dress like my dad!

Now before all you geography teachers/dads descend on my house with flaming torches and pitchforks ready to drive me out of town you can't deny there is a certain way you dress.
Firstly, and somewhat alarmingly, there is this certain liking for corduroy. Granted it's comfy and warm and strangely comforting but ... hold on - there I go again - I'm actually trying to sell you the idea!?!?! This is more serious than I thought ...

Then came the moss green shirt and stripy tie combo. Put it together with a pair of brown shoes and all I'm short of is a sports jacket with leather patches. I caught myself in the mirror giving myself the old "you're-looking-pretty-sharp-today" glance. I WAS WEARING CORDUROY!!!

It's all very worrying.

I'm actually finding myself going into shops now and finding nothing I'd wear due to the fact a) I don't want my pants on show b) I can't read what is says on the t-shirt and c) even if I could I probably wouldn't understand it.

Hush puppies here I come.

So here's the joke ...

Tonto goes missing and, after two days of searching, the Lone Ranger finds him lying on the ground with his ear firmly pressed to the floor.

"What happened?" says the Lone Ranger.

"White men came this way, on four horses, also have a stagecoach with a lady in the back. Third horse only wear three shoes," replies Tonto.

The Lone Ranger is impressed.

"Tonto I'm amazed. You can tell this from listening to the ground?"

"Nope - they ran me over 2 days ago."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

You never can tell

2008-04-28T12:40:00.006+01:00

This radio business is a funny old game.

Just came off air today feeling the show was a bit flat. No idea why - we had some lovely guests and callers but it just didn't seem to take off.

Spent a few minutes with Producer Al and Claudia scratching heads wondering why in the post show meeting. None of us could put a finger on it but we all felt exactly the same.

And then an email pops up from management saying they thought it was a great show!?

How does that work?

It reminded me of exams at school. Do you remember the ones you came out of with that sinking feeling? You'd fluffed it - it's all over - there's no way you've passed. Those exams always were the ones you got your best grades in.

But you never wanted to come out of an exam feeling that it was really easy either. If you felt like you'd sailed through is was invariably a sign you hadn't. Even worse was when you'd finished the exam half way through and packed up your pencil case only to notice the cleverest kid in class was still scribbling, looking worried and slightly sweaty.

I never could tell then and I obviously can't tell now.

Mind you I'm assuming they actually listened ...

So here's the joke ...

A man goes to the doctors suffering with continual flatulence. After a consultation the doctor asks him to take off his trousers and lie face down on the couch.

Then to the man's horror, the doctor produces a six foot pole with a sharp spike at one end.

"What on earth are you going to do with that?!!" enquires the man.

"Open the window."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

The Great Escape?

2008-04-25T15:24:00.002+01:00

Just looked at the clock and caught myself thinking we'll be halfway through the first half this time tomorrow.

For Cherries fans across the South this weekend will either enforce the belief we can still cling on to League One football next season or it will send us tumbling down another division. Not since the Great Escape of '95 have so many fans been forced into so much mental arithmetic with a league table.

It's going to be a day full of if's, but's and maybe's and although the hearts say they can do it even the die hard fans will be hard pressed to ignore the hardened facts. The turnaround has been terrific and noone can ask for more but when we're relying on results out of our hands the only thing that will keep us up is Lady Luck herself.

I buy my lottery ticket knowing full well that the odds are against me.

I pay my pound every week knowing I have only a one in fourteen million chance of winning the jackpot.

But I still buy my ticket.

Someone's got to win the jackpot.

Come on you Cherries!!!

So here's the joke ...

A man is taking part in a pub quiz. As a tie-breaker he has to name three fish that start with the letter 'K'. The man thinks for a moment and says, 'killer shark, kippered haddock and Kilmarnock.'

The question master says, ' What do you mean? Kilmarnock isn't a fish!'

The man replies ..... "Of course it is. It's a place."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Early finish cancelled

2008-04-24T15:26:00.005+01:00

I don't believe it ...

Now either the boss has started to read my blog or word has got out. No sooner do I mention my planned early Friday finish than the email arrives this morning informing me of a Friday afternoon meeting.

Absolutely gutted.

There I was all set to bomb down to Boscombe to try out my beautiful new surf board and maybe even go for another lesson. Oh well - best laid plans and all that ...

Still I've managed to find an amazing distraction to my disappointment this afternoon. If you haven't already check out the link on my home page for the Shiptracker. It's brilliant isn't it?! I mean I'm not exactly what you'd call a ship spotter but even I can't fail to be impressed with it.

I wonder if I could apply to be included when I go for a surf?

If you see the Goodship Cuthill floating towards the Needles dial the Coastguard.

So here's the joke ...

A feminist gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man stands up to give her his seat.

"Patronising old fool," she mutters as she pushes him back down. A minute later, another woman gets on and the old man rises to his feet once again.

"Male chauvanist pig," curses the feminist as she pushes him back down again.

The bus stops again, another woman gets on and again the old man tries to stand up.

"You're living in the Stone Age," she shouts.

"For goodness sake," says the old man, "I've missed three stops let me get off!!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

New board arrives ... sort of

2008-04-23T13:20:00.004+01:00

Hurrah!!!

It's arrived! Or rather the small piece of card which tells me it tried to arrive arrived - and as I wasn't in it didn't. Arrive that is. Am off to pick up my new surf board this evening and I cannot wait. So excited. Also I've got a new leash and bag for the board. That - is very exciting news.

No really.

Next stage is to see if it will fit in my car.

This is where it may all start to fall apart as there's not much point having a surf board if you can't take it to the beach. There's only limited fun you can have in the bath with it. However having got an 8 foot Christmas tree in the blue peril (granted no roof) I'm sure it'll manage. I may look ridiculous but that is besides the point and wouldn't be the first or last time.

So here's the plan.

It's been a loooonng week this week so (and don't tell the boss) am thinking of sneaking off for a crafty surf after the show on Friday. Technically it's not sneaking off as have done the hours already but I'm one of those people who can't help but feel guilty. It's the same sort of feeling I get when I walk past a policeperson (can I say man in this PC crazed world?)

I know I haven't done anything naughty/illegal, I know I'd never think of doing anything but as soon as a policeman/woman/person appears I get an almost uncontrollable urge to whistle and look slightly shifty for no apparent reason.

Anyhow if you see a whistling surfer on a shiny new board on Friday afternoon down at Boscombe say hello - it's me.

Happy St George's Day.

So here's the joke ...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, ' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'

'Each morning, make him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely'.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

'What did the doctor say?'

And the woman answered ....

"You're going to die."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Daytime delivery

2008-04-22T13:35:00.002+01:00

I think it was yesterday I told you I have bought myself a new surf board. It may prove to be one of those "run before you walk" moments but have decided the time, and the price, was right. Also the novelty of a new toy will force me to use it and thereby get better at surfing.

Anyway it comes with free delivery which is an absolute bonus as I should imagine under the new Royal Mail rules you'd need half an acre of stamps on the thing before it goes anywhere near a postbox.

But with any delivery, free or otherwise, comes the whole saga of timing.

Now if I was a gentleman of leisure I'd be wafting around in my smoking jacket all day long waiting for the doorbell to ring and the next delivery to be made. But unfortunately not being born into Royal Blood it would appear I have to work for a living which is a bit of a bind when you've got a package coming.

Granted the more organised would have checked delivery times and dates before clicking the final mouse button but being more of a free spirit (ie man) I decided to see what happens. So from today am on full alert and will be buttering up the neighbours to see if they wouldn't mind terribly having a package shaped a lot like an ironing board delivered to their doorstep.

It's either that or I wonder whether they could leave it under the flowerpot in the porch next to the spare key.

Life shouldn't be this complicated.

So here's the joke ....

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

'Sooner or later you're going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,' says the wife.

'What's wrong with the one we've got?' asks the husband.

'Nothing,' replies the wife, ' But mothers arms are getting tired.'
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Here's my new theory

2008-04-21T14:37:00.003+01:00

I went surfing on Saturday.

Great fun - I'm fairly hopeless but am determined to improve and even bought myself a new board at the weekend. Whether it will actually fit in my current car is another question but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It may prove to be the world's most expensive surf board when I'm forced to buy another car to transport it to the beach. Perhaps I should have thought of that at the time.

Anyway had a lovely time down at Boscombe. Wet, windy and surprisingly not that cold in the water.

So there I am, early doors, not a soul around and spaces galore down at the seafront. Go to park and end up paying 7 quid for the pleasure. 7 quid?!! Now I appreciate it's a prime spot but it was a prime spot by an empty beach and I was only there for a couple of hours.

My theory is this - you should get an adjustment for the weather and/or number of people on the beach.

So for example it starts at the base rate of 7 quid. Rain is a couple of quid off. Wind is a further £1.50 reduction and general lack of anyone should get you a 50 percent reduction.

Therefore I should have paid - hold on have to work this out now (potentially a problem when paying for a ticket) - no more than £1.75 which I think is very reasonable.

What do you reckon? Granted the drop in income that this creates may mean the borough falls into disrepair, council tax shoots through the roof and general misery follows but at least I'll have enough money to buy a new car to take my new board to the beach.

Sorted.

So here's the joke ...

Three guys go for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews has no ears. He tells the first candidate "This job calls for observations, so I want you to make an observation about me."

The first guy says "You've got no ears."

The personnel officer is furious and promptly throws him out. The second man comes in and again is invited to make an observation.

"You've got no ears," he says.

The personnel officer goes crazy and throws the second man out. Then the final man comes in and he too is asked to make an observation.

"You must wear contact lenses," he says.

"Wow!" says the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"

"You've got no ears ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Where did Thursday go?

2008-04-18T14:05:00.003+01:00

Have just realised I entirely forgot to say hello yesterday.

Well I say entirely forgot - perhaps that's not 100 percent true. You'll see a brand new blog feature on the right. Inspired by chatting to Mike Carter yesterday on the show I now have an accurate countdown to meltdown.

It's strangely hypnotic. Probably not for you - but definately for me.

Back out with the Britmilfit guys with Matt and Lewis last night. Fairly sure we got well and truly stitched up as strangley we were moved from the beginners group to the intermediates whilst Matt stayed in the Blues.

This was particularly strange as Matt has been going every week for what feels like months and is now fitter than he's ever been whilst the rest of us go once and we're promoted. And Producer Lewis now has a new nickname courtesy of the Royal Marines.

Dizzy Lizzie.

I think it will stick.

So here's the joke ...

A rabbit walks into a butchers shop in Portsea and asks for a carrot. The man says 'We don't sell carrots we only sell meat'. So the rabbit goes out.

The next day he comes in and asks the same question but the man says 'No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any carrots, this is the butchers'.

Then, the next day the rabbit walks into the same shop and asks the same question, and the man says 'If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your paw to the counter'.

The next day the rabbit comes back in and asks the man 'Have you got any nails?' The man says 'No' and so then the rabbit says....

"Do you sell carrots?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Lists

2008-04-16T13:22:00.002+01:00

It's time to write a life list.

Recently I've found myself wandering about at home knowing I've got a million and one things that need to be done but end up not doing any of them due to excessive wandering around and thinking about everything that needs to be done.

Case in point the kitchen ceiling.

I never quite got round to finishing painting various parts of the ceiling at the end of the Great Kitchen Refit of 2007. And ever since then whenever I go into the kitchen I can't help but make (another) mental note that I really should get round to finishing it all off.

The problem is whichever room I end up in there is always another mental post-it note being stuck up on my little brain that says I really should get round to finishing it all off.

I now spend more time making mental notes than I do doing anything about the things I am making mental notes about.

The solution - a list.

From now on I will write a big list of everything I need to do or want to achieve and then cross them off, ceiling and all, when they're completed. New jobs will go on the bottom of the list and the brand new, highly organised, high achieving Jon Cuthill will emerge like a moth(?!) from a chrysalis.

However, just like said moth - it may all only last a couple of days.

So here's the joke ...

Two good old boys bought a couple of horses and decided to keep them in the same field for the winter.

"How will we tell which horse belongs to who?" asks the first.

The second has a bright idea. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours and that way we'll be able to tell them apart."

But when they came to collect their horses in the spring the mane and tail had grown back to their normal lengths.

"Now what?" asks the first man.

"Well - why don't you have the white one and I'll have the black one."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Early start

2008-04-15T13:23:00.004+01:00

I'm not an early riser.

Indeed some ask the question whether I'm actually fully with it for any part of the day. A little harsh but today I can assure you I am wide awake. Why? Well oddly enough because I've been up since 4.30am.

Any other day 4.30am means in bed, sound asleep, dreaming of scoring the 30 yard wonder goal that will secure Bournemouth a League One spot, secure them a sound financial future and begin the enivitable march on into Europe.

Today 4.30am meant grabbing cameras and tripods and heading off into the depths of the New Forest to film the Dawn Chorus for a BBC project later this year. For all my grumbling I'm so glad I did as the sunrise this morning was truly beautiful.

We all forget from time to time how lucky we are to live here on the South Coast. Once every now and again a gentle reminder makes you realise just quite how blessed we are. So here's the thing - set your alarm clock extra early one day soon.

Get up when it's still dark - go to a safe spot on your own and watch the sunrise.

Life just got a little better.

So here's the joke ...

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"£10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay £10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Bad habits

2008-04-14T13:05:00.003+01:00

If you start doing anything for long enough you'll pick up some bad habits.

It's been pointed out, cruelly in my view, that if you read my blog you'll note a certain repeated insecurity about my age. An over-willingness to mention how old I am normally coupled with something I'm having difficulty doing or understanding.

It's almost like I'm using my age as an excuse.

Age is a funny old thing. You start off wanting to tell anyone and everyone how old you are up until about the age of 10. Then it goes a bit quiet for a few years giving way to constant lying about your age at around about the 16 or 17 mark (reduced fare rail travel and the sale of alcohol are largely to blame).

No one really cares about their age apart from the odd blip (any birthday ending in '0') for the next 30 or so years and then the real deceit takes place - shaving off the odd year here and there depending on whose company you are in and who you're trying to impress. The other word for it of course is denial.

And then the circle is complete as by the time you hit eighty you're so pleased with yourself that you're still alive once again you find yourself telling anyone and everyone exactly how old you are and possibly that you can still tap dance or pull a wheelie on a pushbike.

From now on there'll be no more mention of my age. Just assume I'm still 37.

If anything changes I'll let you know.

A lot.

So here's the joke ...

A woman phoned her husband at work for a chat. "Sorry, darling," he said, "I'm really busy at the moment. I haven't got time to talk."

"Oh this won't take long. It's just that I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Look," he repeated, "I'm really busy - just give me the good news ...."

"Well she said ..... the good news is the air bag works."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

The wall of shame

2008-04-11T14:30:00.001+01:00

It takes a lot of effort to get the Jon Cuthill Show onto the air.

I know it doesn't sound it sometimes as I bumble my way through another 3 and a half hours but trust me it does. And that means the likes of Reporter Matt and Producer Lewis and Producer Alun spend a lot of time of the phone.

Now the thing about constantly being on the phone is the fact you have to schmooze a lot of people into coming onto the show. That means a lot of buttering up and sometimes, just sometimes, some truly bizarre things coming out of people's mouths.

In the office we have a whole wall of the best quotes from the team whilst speaking on the phone to potential guests .... here are just a couple.

"I reckon if I knew the words I'd be able to sing most songs." (Producer Lewis)

"I know I sound short and thin on the phone." (Reporter Matt - check out his blog)

"I'm really keen to do something with my life but if I don't I'll leave you a note (Producer Alun)

"The easiest way to remember how to spell 'because' is Big Elephants Can Always Understand Little Elephants ..." (Presenter Jon)

Have a great weekend.

So here's the joke ...

After stopping off for lunch on a day trip an elderly couple had driven ten miles down the road when the woman remembered that she had left her glasses at the restaurant. Her husband was irritated at having to go back for them.

"How could you forget your glasses?" he moaned. "This is going to add an hour to the journey. The whole day is wasted!"

He was still complaining when they pulled up again outside the restaurant. As his wife got out of the car, he grumbled ....

"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat too ..."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

An army marches on it's (flat) stomach

2008-04-10T15:04:00.003+01:00

Tonight is the night.

The Jon Cuthill Show team (minus Alun Newman) will be turning out in shorts to help reporter Matt train for his race. He was a bit down last week so foolishly I volunteered all of us to turn out at his next army training session.

Right now I am regretting it.

Newman has been getting some serious stick for pulling out - he's claiming he can't due to the fact his house is mid kitchen fit and wife and kids need their kitchen back. I fear it may be down to him not wanting to expose his pale knobbly knees to the general public.

For all our sakes it may turn out to be the right decision as no-one deserves to witness that but he's promised to attend the next session (I have it on tape). However I think a few phone calls may need to be made to the appropriate men and women in camoflague to see if we can't spice things up with their assault course or zip line.

Am thinking of wearing my glasses tonight so they take pity on me.

Drop and give me 50.

(The dropping part's the easy bit)

So here's the joke ....

Beryl's parrot dies, so she goes to a pet shop to get a new companion. The pet shop has a sale on hamsters, so she takes one home. Next day Beryl wakes up and finds her hamster dead in the bottom of it's cage.

She takes it back to the pet shop to complain. ' I can't replace him,' says the shop keeper, 'but tell you what, why don't you try stuffing that dead hamster in a jar and leaving it for a while. Sometimes they turn into delicious jam.'

Beryl thinks that sounds crazy but decides to give it a go. She takes the hamster, places it in a jar. A month later the smell becomes too much and she decides to bury it in the garden. One month later she notices a bunch a giant daffodils growing from the hamsters grave. She goes back to tell the shop keeper about these curious goings-on.

'That's extraordinary,' says the shopkeeper ....

'Usually you get tulips from hamster jam."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Logging on

2008-04-09T14:14:00.004+01:00

I do love my log fires.

Not entirely sure whether I'm saving the world or sending us all to an early grave by burning down bits of tree but it's one of my little treats in life. Log fire. Bottle of plonk. Heaven.

So when the clocks change and it all starts warming up a bit I can't help but be slightly disappointed that the open fire season is over. At what point in the year officially does it become too warm to have a log fire? I think it's the smokey smell I like - and the fact that you can just sit and watch the flames for hours without having to think about too much. It's probably a man thing too - all real men take control of bonfires, bbq's and log fires given the chance.

Man + stick + fire = evolution

Roll on the winter.

So here's the joke ...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a posh suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The man parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturised printer then turns to the shepherd and says,"You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct, but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business .... Now give me back my dog."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Don't try this at home ...

2008-04-08T14:17:00.003+01:00

.. unless you surround yourself with cushions, pillows and duvets.

Another nugget of useless information has passed across the Jon Cuthill Show desk this afternoon and one that we'll be putting to good effect on tomorrow's show.

Apparently if you're over 30 you can't stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute. Quite why you'd want to stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute I'm not sure. But only people under the age of 30 can achieve this feat as the rest of us struggle due to a lack of balance.

I've just tried it and I can't.

I'm 37. Things like this don't help with my mid life crisis.

However there is also something you can do with a ruler to check your age. I cheered myself up no end when I discovered I was under 20.

And no - you don't have to measure a thing.

All will be explained tomorrow.

So here's the joke ...

A man staggers into Accident and Emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.That's when I made my mistake."

"Why?" asks the doctor. "What did you do?"

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Raw fish and guitars

2008-04-07T13:24:00.003+01:00

Ok - so the more observant amongst you will have noticed the much talked about revamp of my blog has failed to materialise. I'm blaming several factors.

Firstly, obviously, was the snow. Er - it's April? Where did that come from? It kind of annoys me slightly as I'm a big fan of snow but call me old fashioned I prefer it in the Winter. You know where you are then, don't you? April showers, February blizzards. August rain. Simple. It's almost like the weather is taunting me with - "I know you had a particularly dull winter but here's what I could have done."

Secondly I'm blaming a particularly nice bottle of wine at a particularly late dinner party and a particularly out of tune guitar. It doesn't take much these days for a grown up dinner party to descend into a sing song. It never fails to amaze me how many songs my four chords can conjour up. To be fair I suppose it got past the time when people were worried I was playing an A instead of an Am7 but that's what wine and friends are for. The food was terrific - a kind of Japanese meets Chinese with a raspberry pavlova to round things off.

Give me raw fish, pickled ginger and whipped cream anyday.

Finally I'm blaming the trauma that is being a Cherries fan. The result on Saturday reminded us what it's all about and just when you thought it's all over (both on and off the pitch) the lads come up with a result and a finish like that! Unfortunately some TV viewers it appears still think we lost 1-0 due to an incorrect caption but can I assure you it was 2-1.

And a bloomin' marvellous 2-1 it was too.

Anyway lots more to fill you in with - will catch up tomorrow.

So here's the joke ....

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign saying "Lobster Tails £1 Each." The man goes up to the waitress and says, "Those must be very small tails if you're selling the so cheaply?"

"No" replies the waitress, "they're normal size."

"Then they must be pretty old?" says the man. "No" replies the waitress "they're fresh today."

"Then there must be something wrong with them!" says the man. "No," replies the waitress "they're just regular lobster tails."

"OK," says the man "I'll have one."

So the waitress takes the mans money and sits him down ....

"Once upon a time there was a big red lobster ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

The Green Eyed Monster

2008-04-04T13:36:00.003+01:00

It had to happen.

Ok - so I'm still new to blogging but I suspect I may have been struck down by a serious modern day affliction. Blog Envy.

A couple of months ago life was so simple. I set up my blog and was quite happy burbling on about random things on the show and in my life. Then along comes Reporter Matt with his 10k in 10 weeks blog and the green mists have descended. His blog is amazing!!! Videos, pictures, countdown clocks, scrolling text messages ....

How on earth is an old 37 year old meant to keep up with that?

As a result I've decided to spend the weekend on the laptop at home giving my blog a makeover in true BBC Changing Rooms style. Not entirely sure what the internet equivalent of MDF is but as soon as I find out there'll be lots of it. And I suspect some lurid shade of internet paint, a few internet rugs, lamps, cushions and new door handles. If the blog is down on Monday you'll know something went seriously wrong.

If only technology would sit still idiots like me would be able to catch up with it. As it is I guess I'm destined always to be slightly behind cutting edge hanging onto my Betamax video recorder and ZX Spectrum.

Anyone for Manic Miner?

So here's the joke .....

A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home her husband asks, "So, how did the appointment go?"

"He said I have the body of a 20 year old." she replies

"Oh yeah? And what did her say about your 40 year old arse?"

"He didn't mention you."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website