I think it was yesterday I told you I have bought myself a new surf board. It may prove to be one of those "run before you walk" moments but have decided the time, and the price, was right. Also the novelty of a new toy will force me to use it and thereby get better at surfing.
Anyway it comes with free delivery which is an absolute bonus as I should imagine under the new Royal Mail rules you'd need half an acre of stamps on the thing before it goes anywhere near a postbox.
But with any delivery, free or otherwise, comes the whole saga of timing.
Now if I was a gentleman of leisure I'd be wafting around in my smoking jacket all day long waiting for the doorbell to ring and the next delivery to be made. But unfortunately not being born into Royal Blood it would appear I have to work for a living which is a bit of a bind when you've got a package coming.
Granted the more organised would have checked delivery times and dates before clicking the final mouse button but being more of a free spirit (ie man) I decided to see what happens. So from today am on full alert and will be buttering up the neighbours to see if they wouldn't mind terribly having a package shaped a lot like an ironing board delivered to their doorstep.
It's either that or I wonder whether they could leave it under the flowerpot in the porch next to the spare key.
Life shouldn't be this complicated.
So here's the joke ....
A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.
'Sooner or later you're going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,' says the wife.
'What's wrong with the one we've got?' asks the husband.
'Nothing,' replies the wife, ' But mothers arms are getting tired.'
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Monday, 21 April 2008
Here's my new theory
I went surfing on Saturday.
Great fun - I'm fairly hopeless but am determined to improve and even bought myself a new board at the weekend. Whether it will actually fit in my current car is another question but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It may prove to be the world's most expensive surf board when I'm forced to buy another car to transport it to the beach. Perhaps I should have thought of that at the time.
Anyway had a lovely time down at Boscombe. Wet, windy and surprisingly not that cold in the water.
So there I am, early doors, not a soul around and spaces galore down at the seafront. Go to park and end up paying 7 quid for the pleasure. 7 quid?!! Now I appreciate it's a prime spot but it was a prime spot by an empty beach and I was only there for a couple of hours.
My theory is this - you should get an adjustment for the weather and/or number of people on the beach.
So for example it starts at the base rate of 7 quid. Rain is a couple of quid off. Wind is a further £1.50 reduction and general lack of anyone should get you a 50 percent reduction.
Therefore I should have paid - hold on have to work this out now (potentially a problem when paying for a ticket) - no more than £1.75 which I think is very reasonable.
What do you reckon? Granted the drop in income that this creates may mean the borough falls into disrepair, council tax shoots through the roof and general misery follows but at least I'll have enough money to buy a new car to take my new board to the beach.
Sorted.
So here's the joke ...
Three guys go for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews has no ears. He tells the first candidate "This job calls for observations, so I want you to make an observation about me."
The first guy says "You've got no ears."
The personnel officer is furious and promptly throws him out. The second man comes in and again is invited to make an observation.
"You've got no ears," he says.
The personnel officer goes crazy and throws the second man out. Then the final man comes in and he too is asked to make an observation.
"You must wear contact lenses," he says.
"Wow!" says the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"
"You've got no ears ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Great fun - I'm fairly hopeless but am determined to improve and even bought myself a new board at the weekend. Whether it will actually fit in my current car is another question but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It may prove to be the world's most expensive surf board when I'm forced to buy another car to transport it to the beach. Perhaps I should have thought of that at the time.
Anyway had a lovely time down at Boscombe. Wet, windy and surprisingly not that cold in the water.
So there I am, early doors, not a soul around and spaces galore down at the seafront. Go to park and end up paying 7 quid for the pleasure. 7 quid?!! Now I appreciate it's a prime spot but it was a prime spot by an empty beach and I was only there for a couple of hours.
My theory is this - you should get an adjustment for the weather and/or number of people on the beach.
So for example it starts at the base rate of 7 quid. Rain is a couple of quid off. Wind is a further £1.50 reduction and general lack of anyone should get you a 50 percent reduction.
Therefore I should have paid - hold on have to work this out now (potentially a problem when paying for a ticket) - no more than £1.75 which I think is very reasonable.
What do you reckon? Granted the drop in income that this creates may mean the borough falls into disrepair, council tax shoots through the roof and general misery follows but at least I'll have enough money to buy a new car to take my new board to the beach.
Sorted.
So here's the joke ...
Three guys go for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews has no ears. He tells the first candidate "This job calls for observations, so I want you to make an observation about me."
The first guy says "You've got no ears."
The personnel officer is furious and promptly throws him out. The second man comes in and again is invited to make an observation.
"You've got no ears," he says.
The personnel officer goes crazy and throws the second man out. Then the final man comes in and he too is asked to make an observation.
"You must wear contact lenses," he says.
"Wow!" says the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"
"You've got no ears ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Friday, 18 April 2008
Where did Thursday go?
Have just realised I entirely forgot to say hello yesterday.
Well I say entirely forgot - perhaps that's not 100 percent true. You'll see a brand new blog feature on the right. Inspired by chatting to Mike Carter yesterday on the show I now have an accurate countdown to meltdown.
It's strangely hypnotic. Probably not for you - but definately for me.
Back out with the Britmilfit guys with Matt and Lewis last night. Fairly sure we got well and truly stitched up as strangley we were moved from the beginners group to the intermediates whilst Matt stayed in the Blues.
This was particularly strange as Matt has been going every week for what feels like months and is now fitter than he's ever been whilst the rest of us go once and we're promoted. And Producer Lewis now has a new nickname courtesy of the Royal Marines.
Dizzy Lizzie.
I think it will stick.
So here's the joke ...
A rabbit walks into a butchers shop in Portsea and asks for a carrot. The man says 'We don't sell carrots we only sell meat'. So the rabbit goes out.
The next day he comes in and asks the same question but the man says 'No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any carrots, this is the butchers'.
Then, the next day the rabbit walks into the same shop and asks the same question, and the man says 'If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your paw to the counter'.
The next day the rabbit comes back in and asks the man 'Have you got any nails?' The man says 'No' and so then the rabbit says....
"Do you sell carrots?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Well I say entirely forgot - perhaps that's not 100 percent true. You'll see a brand new blog feature on the right. Inspired by chatting to Mike Carter yesterday on the show I now have an accurate countdown to meltdown.
It's strangely hypnotic. Probably not for you - but definately for me.
Back out with the Britmilfit guys with Matt and Lewis last night. Fairly sure we got well and truly stitched up as strangley we were moved from the beginners group to the intermediates whilst Matt stayed in the Blues.
This was particularly strange as Matt has been going every week for what feels like months and is now fitter than he's ever been whilst the rest of us go once and we're promoted. And Producer Lewis now has a new nickname courtesy of the Royal Marines.
Dizzy Lizzie.
I think it will stick.
So here's the joke ...
A rabbit walks into a butchers shop in Portsea and asks for a carrot. The man says 'We don't sell carrots we only sell meat'. So the rabbit goes out.
The next day he comes in and asks the same question but the man says 'No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any carrots, this is the butchers'.
Then, the next day the rabbit walks into the same shop and asks the same question, and the man says 'If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your paw to the counter'.
The next day the rabbit comes back in and asks the man 'Have you got any nails?' The man says 'No' and so then the rabbit says....
"Do you sell carrots?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Lists
It's time to write a life list.
Recently I've found myself wandering about at home knowing I've got a million and one things that need to be done but end up not doing any of them due to excessive wandering around and thinking about everything that needs to be done.
Case in point the kitchen ceiling.
I never quite got round to finishing painting various parts of the ceiling at the end of the Great Kitchen Refit of 2007. And ever since then whenever I go into the kitchen I can't help but make (another) mental note that I really should get round to finishing it all off.
The problem is whichever room I end up in there is always another mental post-it note being stuck up on my little brain that says I really should get round to finishing it all off.
I now spend more time making mental notes than I do doing anything about the things I am making mental notes about.
The solution - a list.
From now on I will write a big list of everything I need to do or want to achieve and then cross them off, ceiling and all, when they're completed. New jobs will go on the bottom of the list and the brand new, highly organised, high achieving Jon Cuthill will emerge like a moth(?!) from a chrysalis.
However, just like said moth - it may all only last a couple of days.
So here's the joke ...
Two good old boys bought a couple of horses and decided to keep them in the same field for the winter.
"How will we tell which horse belongs to who?" asks the first.
The second has a bright idea. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours and that way we'll be able to tell them apart."
But when they came to collect their horses in the spring the mane and tail had grown back to their normal lengths.
"Now what?" asks the first man.
"Well - why don't you have the white one and I'll have the black one."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Recently I've found myself wandering about at home knowing I've got a million and one things that need to be done but end up not doing any of them due to excessive wandering around and thinking about everything that needs to be done.
Case in point the kitchen ceiling.
I never quite got round to finishing painting various parts of the ceiling at the end of the Great Kitchen Refit of 2007. And ever since then whenever I go into the kitchen I can't help but make (another) mental note that I really should get round to finishing it all off.
The problem is whichever room I end up in there is always another mental post-it note being stuck up on my little brain that says I really should get round to finishing it all off.
I now spend more time making mental notes than I do doing anything about the things I am making mental notes about.
The solution - a list.
From now on I will write a big list of everything I need to do or want to achieve and then cross them off, ceiling and all, when they're completed. New jobs will go on the bottom of the list and the brand new, highly organised, high achieving Jon Cuthill will emerge like a moth(?!) from a chrysalis.
However, just like said moth - it may all only last a couple of days.
So here's the joke ...
Two good old boys bought a couple of horses and decided to keep them in the same field for the winter.
"How will we tell which horse belongs to who?" asks the first.
The second has a bright idea. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours and that way we'll be able to tell them apart."
But when they came to collect their horses in the spring the mane and tail had grown back to their normal lengths.
"Now what?" asks the first man.
"Well - why don't you have the white one and I'll have the black one."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Early start
I'm not an early riser.
Indeed some ask the question whether I'm actually fully with it for any part of the day. A little harsh but today I can assure you I am wide awake. Why? Well oddly enough because I've been up since 4.30am.
Any other day 4.30am means in bed, sound asleep, dreaming of scoring the 30 yard wonder goal that will secure Bournemouth a League One spot, secure them a sound financial future and begin the enivitable march on into Europe.
Today 4.30am meant grabbing cameras and tripods and heading off into the depths of the New Forest to film the Dawn Chorus for a BBC project later this year. For all my grumbling I'm so glad I did as the sunrise this morning was truly beautiful.
We all forget from time to time how lucky we are to live here on the South Coast. Once every now and again a gentle reminder makes you realise just quite how blessed we are. So here's the thing - set your alarm clock extra early one day soon.
Get up when it's still dark - go to a safe spot on your own and watch the sunrise.
Life just got a little better.
So here's the joke ...
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"£10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay £10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Indeed some ask the question whether I'm actually fully with it for any part of the day. A little harsh but today I can assure you I am wide awake. Why? Well oddly enough because I've been up since 4.30am.
Any other day 4.30am means in bed, sound asleep, dreaming of scoring the 30 yard wonder goal that will secure Bournemouth a League One spot, secure them a sound financial future and begin the enivitable march on into Europe.
Today 4.30am meant grabbing cameras and tripods and heading off into the depths of the New Forest to film the Dawn Chorus for a BBC project later this year. For all my grumbling I'm so glad I did as the sunrise this morning was truly beautiful.
We all forget from time to time how lucky we are to live here on the South Coast. Once every now and again a gentle reminder makes you realise just quite how blessed we are. So here's the thing - set your alarm clock extra early one day soon.
Get up when it's still dark - go to a safe spot on your own and watch the sunrise.
Life just got a little better.
So here's the joke ...
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"£10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay £10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Monday, 14 April 2008
Bad habits
If you start doing anything for long enough you'll pick up some bad habits.
It's been pointed out, cruelly in my view, that if you read my blog you'll note a certain repeated insecurity about my age. An over-willingness to mention how old I am normally coupled with something I'm having difficulty doing or understanding.
It's almost like I'm using my age as an excuse.
Age is a funny old thing. You start off wanting to tell anyone and everyone how old you are up until about the age of 10. Then it goes a bit quiet for a few years giving way to constant lying about your age at around about the 16 or 17 mark (reduced fare rail travel and the sale of alcohol are largely to blame).
No one really cares about their age apart from the odd blip (any birthday ending in '0') for the next 30 or so years and then the real deceit takes place - shaving off the odd year here and there depending on whose company you are in and who you're trying to impress. The other word for it of course is denial.
And then the circle is complete as by the time you hit eighty you're so pleased with yourself that you're still alive once again you find yourself telling anyone and everyone exactly how old you are and possibly that you can still tap dance or pull a wheelie on a pushbike.
From now on there'll be no more mention of my age. Just assume I'm still 37.
If anything changes I'll let you know.
A lot.
So here's the joke ...
A woman phoned her husband at work for a chat. "Sorry, darling," he said, "I'm really busy at the moment. I haven't got time to talk."
"Oh this won't take long. It's just that I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Look," he repeated, "I'm really busy - just give me the good news ...."
"Well she said ..... the good news is the air bag works."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
It's been pointed out, cruelly in my view, that if you read my blog you'll note a certain repeated insecurity about my age. An over-willingness to mention how old I am normally coupled with something I'm having difficulty doing or understanding.
It's almost like I'm using my age as an excuse.
Age is a funny old thing. You start off wanting to tell anyone and everyone how old you are up until about the age of 10. Then it goes a bit quiet for a few years giving way to constant lying about your age at around about the 16 or 17 mark (reduced fare rail travel and the sale of alcohol are largely to blame).
No one really cares about their age apart from the odd blip (any birthday ending in '0') for the next 30 or so years and then the real deceit takes place - shaving off the odd year here and there depending on whose company you are in and who you're trying to impress. The other word for it of course is denial.
And then the circle is complete as by the time you hit eighty you're so pleased with yourself that you're still alive once again you find yourself telling anyone and everyone exactly how old you are and possibly that you can still tap dance or pull a wheelie on a pushbike.
From now on there'll be no more mention of my age. Just assume I'm still 37.
If anything changes I'll let you know.
A lot.
So here's the joke ...
A woman phoned her husband at work for a chat. "Sorry, darling," he said, "I'm really busy at the moment. I haven't got time to talk."
"Oh this won't take long. It's just that I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Look," he repeated, "I'm really busy - just give me the good news ...."
"Well she said ..... the good news is the air bag works."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Friday, 11 April 2008
The wall of shame
It takes a lot of effort to get the Jon Cuthill Show onto the air.
I know it doesn't sound it sometimes as I bumble my way through another 3 and a half hours but trust me it does. And that means the likes of Reporter Matt and Producer Lewis and Producer Alun spend a lot of time of the phone.
Now the thing about constantly being on the phone is the fact you have to schmooze a lot of people into coming onto the show. That means a lot of buttering up and sometimes, just sometimes, some truly bizarre things coming out of people's mouths.
In the office we have a whole wall of the best quotes from the team whilst speaking on the phone to potential guests .... here are just a couple.
"I reckon if I knew the words I'd be able to sing most songs." (Producer Lewis)
"I know I sound short and thin on the phone." (Reporter Matt - check out his blog)
"I'm really keen to do something with my life but if I don't I'll leave you a note (Producer Alun)
"The easiest way to remember how to spell 'because' is Big Elephants Can Always Understand Little Elephants ..." (Presenter Jon)
Have a great weekend.
So here's the joke ...
After stopping off for lunch on a day trip an elderly couple had driven ten miles down the road when the woman remembered that she had left her glasses at the restaurant. Her husband was irritated at having to go back for them.
"How could you forget your glasses?" he moaned. "This is going to add an hour to the journey. The whole day is wasted!"
He was still complaining when they pulled up again outside the restaurant. As his wife got out of the car, he grumbled ....
"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat too ..."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
I know it doesn't sound it sometimes as I bumble my way through another 3 and a half hours but trust me it does. And that means the likes of Reporter Matt and Producer Lewis and Producer Alun spend a lot of time of the phone.
Now the thing about constantly being on the phone is the fact you have to schmooze a lot of people into coming onto the show. That means a lot of buttering up and sometimes, just sometimes, some truly bizarre things coming out of people's mouths.
In the office we have a whole wall of the best quotes from the team whilst speaking on the phone to potential guests .... here are just a couple.
"I reckon if I knew the words I'd be able to sing most songs." (Producer Lewis)
"I know I sound short and thin on the phone." (Reporter Matt - check out his blog)
"I'm really keen to do something with my life but if I don't I'll leave you a note (Producer Alun)
"The easiest way to remember how to spell 'because' is Big Elephants Can Always Understand Little Elephants ..." (Presenter Jon)
Have a great weekend.
So here's the joke ...
After stopping off for lunch on a day trip an elderly couple had driven ten miles down the road when the woman remembered that she had left her glasses at the restaurant. Her husband was irritated at having to go back for them.
"How could you forget your glasses?" he moaned. "This is going to add an hour to the journey. The whole day is wasted!"
He was still complaining when they pulled up again outside the restaurant. As his wife got out of the car, he grumbled ....
"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat too ..."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
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