My body is a temple ...

Am having a bad day on the whole healthy eating/you are what you eat front.

It started badly this morning when I left home without any breakfast. I'd even got healthy stuff from the supermarket last night so I could make lunch. I didn't. As a result so far I have consumed ....

1 can coke and chocolate bar (breakfast from vending maching canteen wasn't open at 0700)
3 black coffees
2 digestives
2 fried eggs, 2 sausages, chips and tomato ketchup (lunch from canteen)
1 cup of tea
1 piece of chewing gum (still chewing)

Now - I'm no dietician but even I know that's not quite the required five a day.

Playing footy on Monday night I did notice that my tummy accelerates a fraction slower than the rest of me and that if I stop suddenly it comes as a slight surprise to it.

My salad dodging days are numbered.

As soon as I finish the chocolate bar.

So here's the joke ...

Two men are out fishing in a boat and having great luck. In fact, they catch so much they have to go back early.

'This is great,' says the first man. 'We should mark the spot so we can come here again.' 'You're right,' says the second man, who promptly dives over the side and paints a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat.

They head for land, but just as they are about to dock, the first man looks at the seconds and says ....

'What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?'
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Free swim (I wish it was)

Went to the gym last night - first time in ages.

I am what's known in fitness circles as pure profit. The money keeps coming - the member doesn't.

Anyhow was feeling sufficiently guilty about the outgoing on my bank statement - so a swim it was. Had a quick practice run through with my combination padlock (there was a previous unfortunate incident where I put my stuff in the locker and shut it only to realise I'd completely forgotton the combination.) Luckily though last night after a couple of turns it all came back to me and so off I went.

Couple of things of note. Firstly I found myself still rolling things up in my towel in exactly the same fashion as when I was 7.

Secondly, why does the smell and taste of chlorine give me an instant craving for cheese and onion crisps?

Am slightly disappointed the gym doesn't have one of those little foot pools you walk through full of old corn plasters and disinfectant so strong it can strip paint off a door. And no sign either of the notice informing patrons there'll be no ducking, diving, running or petting.

But why would anyone bring their rabbit swimming with them anyway?

So here's the joke ...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"You've left your injun running ...."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Back to school

It's happening.

It was always going to happen. I just didn't know where, when or how it would start but yesterday it definitely started.

I felt comfortable wearing corduroy.

I inadvertently dressed like a geography teacher.

Oh my god - I've started to dress like my dad!

Now before all you geography teachers/dads descend on my house with flaming torches and pitchforks ready to drive me out of town you can't deny there is a certain way you dress.
Firstly, and somewhat alarmingly, there is this certain liking for corduroy. Granted it's comfy and warm and strangely comforting but ... hold on - there I go again - I'm actually trying to sell you the idea!?!?! This is more serious than I thought ...

Then came the moss green shirt and stripy tie combo. Put it together with a pair of brown shoes and all I'm short of is a sports jacket with leather patches. I caught myself in the mirror giving myself the old "you're-looking-pretty-sharp-today" glance. I WAS WEARING CORDUROY!!!

It's all very worrying.

I'm actually finding myself going into shops now and finding nothing I'd wear due to the fact a) I don't want my pants on show b) I can't read what is says on the t-shirt and c) even if I could I probably wouldn't understand it.

Hush puppies here I come.

So here's the joke ...

Tonto goes missing and, after two days of searching, the Lone Ranger finds him lying on the ground with his ear firmly pressed to the floor.

"What happened?" says the Lone Ranger.

"White men came this way, on four horses, also have a stagecoach with a lady in the back. Third horse only wear three shoes," replies Tonto.

The Lone Ranger is impressed.

"Tonto I'm amazed. You can tell this from listening to the ground?"

"Nope - they ran me over 2 days ago."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

You never can tell

This radio business is a funny old game.

Just came off air today feeling the show was a bit flat. No idea why - we had some lovely guests and callers but it just didn't seem to take off.

Spent a few minutes with Producer Al and Claudia scratching heads wondering why in the post show meeting. None of us could put a finger on it but we all felt exactly the same.

And then an email pops up from management saying they thought it was a great show!?

How does that work?

It reminded me of exams at school. Do you remember the ones you came out of with that sinking feeling? You'd fluffed it - it's all over - there's no way you've passed. Those exams always were the ones you got your best grades in.

But you never wanted to come out of an exam feeling that it was really easy either. If you felt like you'd sailed through is was invariably a sign you hadn't. Even worse was when you'd finished the exam half way through and packed up your pencil case only to notice the cleverest kid in class was still scribbling, looking worried and slightly sweaty.

I never could tell then and I obviously can't tell now.

Mind you I'm assuming they actually listened ...

So here's the joke ...

A man goes to the doctors suffering with continual flatulence. After a consultation the doctor asks him to take off his trousers and lie face down on the couch.

Then to the man's horror, the doctor produces a six foot pole with a sharp spike at one end.

"What on earth are you going to do with that?!!" enquires the man.

"Open the window."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

The Great Escape?

Just looked at the clock and caught myself thinking we'll be halfway through the first half this time tomorrow.

For Cherries fans across the South this weekend will either enforce the belief we can still cling on to League One football next season or it will send us tumbling down another division. Not since the Great Escape of '95 have so many fans been forced into so much mental arithmetic with a league table.

It's going to be a day full of if's, but's and maybe's and although the hearts say they can do it even the die hard fans will be hard pressed to ignore the hardened facts. The turnaround has been terrific and noone can ask for more but when we're relying on results out of our hands the only thing that will keep us up is Lady Luck herself.

I buy my lottery ticket knowing full well that the odds are against me.

I pay my pound every week knowing I have only a one in fourteen million chance of winning the jackpot.

But I still buy my ticket.

Someone's got to win the jackpot.

Come on you Cherries!!!

So here's the joke ...

A man is taking part in a pub quiz. As a tie-breaker he has to name three fish that start with the letter 'K'. The man thinks for a moment and says, 'killer shark, kippered haddock and Kilmarnock.'

The question master says, ' What do you mean? Kilmarnock isn't a fish!'

The man replies ..... "Of course it is. It's a place."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Early finish cancelled

I don't believe it ...

Now either the boss has started to read my blog or word has got out. No sooner do I mention my planned early Friday finish than the email arrives this morning informing me of a Friday afternoon meeting.

Absolutely gutted.

There I was all set to bomb down to Boscombe to try out my beautiful new surf board and maybe even go for another lesson. Oh well - best laid plans and all that ...

Still I've managed to find an amazing distraction to my disappointment this afternoon. If you haven't already check out the link on my home page for the Shiptracker. It's brilliant isn't it?! I mean I'm not exactly what you'd call a ship spotter but even I can't fail to be impressed with it.

I wonder if I could apply to be included when I go for a surf?

If you see the Goodship Cuthill floating towards the Needles dial the Coastguard.

So here's the joke ...

A feminist gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man stands up to give her his seat.

"Patronising old fool," she mutters as she pushes him back down. A minute later, another woman gets on and the old man rises to his feet once again.

"Male chauvanist pig," curses the feminist as she pushes him back down again.

The bus stops again, another woman gets on and again the old man tries to stand up.

"You're living in the Stone Age," she shouts.

"For goodness sake," says the old man, "I've missed three stops let me get off!!"
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

New board arrives ... sort of

Hurrah!!!

It's arrived! Or rather the small piece of card which tells me it tried to arrive arrived - and as I wasn't in it didn't. Arrive that is. Am off to pick up my new surf board this evening and I cannot wait. So excited. Also I've got a new leash and bag for the board. That - is very exciting news.

No really.

Next stage is to see if it will fit in my car.

This is where it may all start to fall apart as there's not much point having a surf board if you can't take it to the beach. There's only limited fun you can have in the bath with it. However having got an 8 foot Christmas tree in the blue peril (granted no roof) I'm sure it'll manage. I may look ridiculous but that is besides the point and wouldn't be the first or last time.

So here's the plan.

It's been a loooonng week this week so (and don't tell the boss) am thinking of sneaking off for a crafty surf after the show on Friday. Technically it's not sneaking off as have done the hours already but I'm one of those people who can't help but feel guilty. It's the same sort of feeling I get when I walk past a policeperson (can I say man in this PC crazed world?)

I know I haven't done anything naughty/illegal, I know I'd never think of doing anything but as soon as a policeman/woman/person appears I get an almost uncontrollable urge to whistle and look slightly shifty for no apparent reason.

Anyhow if you see a whistling surfer on a shiny new board on Friday afternoon down at Boscombe say hello - it's me.

Happy St George's Day.

So here's the joke ...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, ' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'

'Each morning, make him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely'.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

'What did the doctor say?'

And the woman answered ....

"You're going to die."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website