Granted it does sound like the latest Indie Band all the kids are listening to but in reality it is just an accurate description of last night's activities.
As you may have worked out I haven't quite cracked the whole wobbly wheel problem on the bike (I may have to put on hold my application form to be part of Lance Armstrong's pit crew) but it did actually get me home. Granted I felt a bit like Coco the Clown (all I needed was the squirty flower but, despite a mild sense of nausea from it's wonkiness, it got me home.
Back to the workshop today.
I went crazy when shopping last night and bought 3, that's right 3, DVD's. Three quid each it was a case of what haven't I seen. One of the 3 - The Constant Gardener - I watched last night. Cracking film but was left slightly confused at the end. What was the significance of the lake? It began and ended at the lake - any reason? And how did they know he'd be at the lake at the end?
Answers on a postcard please.
So here's the joke ...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2am in the morning. The wife picks up the phone listens a moment and says, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
She hangs up.
"Who was that?" says the husband.
The wife says, "I don't know. It was a woman. She wanted to know if the coast was clear."
============================
Mental Maths time and sorry about the slight hiccup with the text system today. It's all been fixed but it was a bit of a let off for some of you as it was quite a brain fryer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 7
add 27
take away 17
minus 7
add 27
take away 8
add on 18
take away 8
add 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 66
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
For heaven's sake ...
.. I am 37 years old and I am still rubbish at anything involving a spanner and or torque wrench. How can this happen? Was there a day I missed when all of a sudden, as a man, I wake up with the ability to strip anything in the dark (steady), grease, oil and reassemble?
Clearly that day has yet to happen as it is now nearly week 2 of the long running saga "Jon attempts to fix his bike."
Wow you're probably thinking - not surprised he's struggling - he'd need to be some sort of gifted mechanic to work on a motorbike .... If only - it happens that my push bike - yes the basic invention from the 1800's has developed a wonky wheel. However it also happens that the stupic invention from the 1800's has beaten me.
I've taken the rear wheel apart (easy), grease it up all (love the smell of tubs of grease) but am now struggling in the final - and some would say equally important part - of reassembling said rear wheel. It's got the stage now that it's too embarrassing to ask any more people to help. My only solution so far is to learn how to do a front wheelie thus enabling me to continue to use said stupid, poorly thought out, ridiculously illogically manufactured bike.
Stupid bike. Stupid Jon.
You decide.
So here's the joke ...
Young James, moved to Lymington and bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
James replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
James said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
James said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
James said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey ?"
James said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'"
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Only the person who won. I have him his money back."
============================
Mental Maths time and here's the solution to today's problem. Lots of right answers but a fair few in detention today. More Mental Maths tomorrow at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ..... 8
times itself
take off 15
divided by 7
plus 16
times 3
take off 30
divided by 3
times 4
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 52
Clearly that day has yet to happen as it is now nearly week 2 of the long running saga "Jon attempts to fix his bike."
Wow you're probably thinking - not surprised he's struggling - he'd need to be some sort of gifted mechanic to work on a motorbike .... If only - it happens that my push bike - yes the basic invention from the 1800's has developed a wonky wheel. However it also happens that the stupic invention from the 1800's has beaten me.
I've taken the rear wheel apart (easy), grease it up all (love the smell of tubs of grease) but am now struggling in the final - and some would say equally important part - of reassembling said rear wheel. It's got the stage now that it's too embarrassing to ask any more people to help. My only solution so far is to learn how to do a front wheelie thus enabling me to continue to use said stupid, poorly thought out, ridiculously illogically manufactured bike.
Stupid bike. Stupid Jon.
You decide.
So here's the joke ...
Young James, moved to Lymington and bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
James replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
James said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
James said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
James said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey ?"
James said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'"
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Only the person who won. I have him his money back."
============================
Mental Maths time and here's the solution to today's problem. Lots of right answers but a fair few in detention today. More Mental Maths tomorrow at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ..... 8
times itself
take off 15
divided by 7
plus 16
times 3
take off 30
divided by 3
times 4
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 52
Monday, 1 September 2008
Hurrah!
Summer is officially over. It is now Autumn. Soon be Christmas.
Had a super holiday down in the South of France. It is truly beautiful. Very - er - French. It was one of those vineyard-next-door-baguettes-down-the-lane jobs. Ended up in a 200 year old farmhouse with a pool in the middle of nowhere. St Tropez was a quick hop over the mountains.
Found out a couple of things. I actually like driving on the other side of the road. Never done it before. Did a couple of comedy window adjustments instead of gear changes and visa versa and of course got in the passenger seat a couple of times despite being the driver. Roundabouts were a huge novelty. Felt slightly naughty about driving the wrong (or in the French case) the right way around them. All very exciting. And much quicker if you want to turn right.
The other thing I discovered was that I'm loving the French. I mean I've never had a problem with the French before - but I didn't really get them. Now I do. I want to be French. Zut Alors! I think it's the chilled out nature of Farmhouse living which appeals so much. That and the cheese. And popping next door to the local chateau seems somehow more romantic than a trip to the local branch of Thresher.
Also had an amazing time on the car front. Where we stayed there was a large barn full, and I mean full, of some beautiful old forgotten cars. Peugots, Renaults, Citroen. Also out front was something that look a bit like a VW camper that had been washed too hot. Will stick some pics up but it was super cool. Had samba roof windows and a three way stable door at the back. A bit of research found out it was a Renault Estafette. Big in the 60's and 70's. Very cool - got lots of character - sadly not the HP. But could it give the VW a run for it's money in a few years? Anyway if you know anymore let me know.
Speak soon.
So here's the joke ...
Little Johnny is talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each is bragging about how fast their fathers are.
The first one says, 'My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and get to the target before it hits!'
The second one says, 'You think that's fast? My father's a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!'
And then Johnny stands up and says "That's nothing. My dad works for the council. He leaves work at 5pm and gets back at 4.30pm."
======================
It's back - Mental Maths. If you went wrong today here it is. Remember your lines and if you want to take part see you at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS 4 ...
Multiply by 12
Divide by 2
Three quarters of that number
Double it
Take off 17
Times 10
Take off 95
Minus 45
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER (50)
Had a super holiday down in the South of France. It is truly beautiful. Very - er - French. It was one of those vineyard-next-door-baguettes-down-the-lane jobs. Ended up in a 200 year old farmhouse with a pool in the middle of nowhere. St Tropez was a quick hop over the mountains.
Found out a couple of things. I actually like driving on the other side of the road. Never done it before. Did a couple of comedy window adjustments instead of gear changes and visa versa and of course got in the passenger seat a couple of times despite being the driver. Roundabouts were a huge novelty. Felt slightly naughty about driving the wrong (or in the French case) the right way around them. All very exciting. And much quicker if you want to turn right.
The other thing I discovered was that I'm loving the French. I mean I've never had a problem with the French before - but I didn't really get them. Now I do. I want to be French. Zut Alors! I think it's the chilled out nature of Farmhouse living which appeals so much. That and the cheese. And popping next door to the local chateau seems somehow more romantic than a trip to the local branch of Thresher.
Also had an amazing time on the car front. Where we stayed there was a large barn full, and I mean full, of some beautiful old forgotten cars. Peugots, Renaults, Citroen. Also out front was something that look a bit like a VW camper that had been washed too hot. Will stick some pics up but it was super cool. Had samba roof windows and a three way stable door at the back. A bit of research found out it was a Renault Estafette. Big in the 60's and 70's. Very cool - got lots of character - sadly not the HP. But could it give the VW a run for it's money in a few years? Anyway if you know anymore let me know.
Speak soon.
So here's the joke ...
Little Johnny is talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each is bragging about how fast their fathers are.
The first one says, 'My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and get to the target before it hits!'
The second one says, 'You think that's fast? My father's a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!'
And then Johnny stands up and says "That's nothing. My dad works for the council. He leaves work at 5pm and gets back at 4.30pm."
======================
It's back - Mental Maths. If you went wrong today here it is. Remember your lines and if you want to take part see you at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS 4 ...
Multiply by 12
Divide by 2
Three quarters of that number
Double it
Take off 17
Times 10
Take off 95
Minus 45
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER (50)
Friday, 15 August 2008
Summer hols ...
So that's it - school's out for Summer.
Granted it's a little shorter than the retro 6 week holiday I was hoping for but a couple of weeks off isn't to be sniffed at, is it? Off to the South of France for a week and then will be surfing for week after in between finishing off things I should have done before I went off on holiday.
Have a lovely fortnight and fingers crossed the weather cheers up a bit. Will leave you the last two jokes to groan at and the last couple of Mental Maths to puzzle over.
Laters Potaters
Jon x
PS Am trying to persuade them to shell out for some Head Boy, Head Girl, Milk Monitor and Prefect badges to hand out. Also a flat pack Dunces hat for the class thickos.
So here are the jokes ...
During his spell in prison, Michael learnt carpentry and became highly accomplished. He was also a model prisoner so when the Governor wanted some work doing on his kitchen at home, he asked Michael whether he would help out.
"I've done the cupboards," said the Governor, "but promised my wife a nice kitchen work surface and, to be honest, I don't think I'm up to the job. So could you do it for me?"
"I'd like to," said Michael "But ..... it was counter fitting that got me here in the first place ..."
============================
And from Thursday ...
A Sunday school teacher reads a Bible passage to her class.
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed and prayed for help with his whale based predicament.
And so the great fish was called from on high to vomit out Jonah upon the dry land.
When she's finished reading the teacher says - now children what does this story teach us.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says ...."You can't keep a good man down?"
========================
Here's the answer to yesterday's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
21
add 26
add the indiviual digits together
take off 17
times 9
add the digits together
reverse the digits
times 2
add it to the starting number
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 183
========================
And finally the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
14
add 27
double it
take away 1
divided by 9
times 6
take off 35
times 2
treble it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 114
Granted it's a little shorter than the retro 6 week holiday I was hoping for but a couple of weeks off isn't to be sniffed at, is it? Off to the South of France for a week and then will be surfing for week after in between finishing off things I should have done before I went off on holiday.
Have a lovely fortnight and fingers crossed the weather cheers up a bit. Will leave you the last two jokes to groan at and the last couple of Mental Maths to puzzle over.
Laters Potaters
Jon x
PS Am trying to persuade them to shell out for some Head Boy, Head Girl, Milk Monitor and Prefect badges to hand out. Also a flat pack Dunces hat for the class thickos.
So here are the jokes ...
During his spell in prison, Michael learnt carpentry and became highly accomplished. He was also a model prisoner so when the Governor wanted some work doing on his kitchen at home, he asked Michael whether he would help out.
"I've done the cupboards," said the Governor, "but promised my wife a nice kitchen work surface and, to be honest, I don't think I'm up to the job. So could you do it for me?"
"I'd like to," said Michael "But ..... it was counter fitting that got me here in the first place ..."
============================
And from Thursday ...
A Sunday school teacher reads a Bible passage to her class.
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed and prayed for help with his whale based predicament.
And so the great fish was called from on high to vomit out Jonah upon the dry land.
When she's finished reading the teacher says - now children what does this story teach us.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says ...."You can't keep a good man down?"
========================
Here's the answer to yesterday's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
21
add 26
add the indiviual digits together
take off 17
times 9
add the digits together
reverse the digits
times 2
add it to the starting number
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 183
========================
And finally the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
14
add 27
double it
take away 1
divided by 9
times 6
take off 35
times 2
treble it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 114
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
The one I couldn't read ...
Here's the email which caused me so many problems today.
"Hi Jon,
Not wanting to offend your lovely lady caller Nora but she reminded me of this story. I don't think you'll be able to, and in fact I hope you don't read this out - just one to share with you and the crew.
Several years ago when my Mum was in hospital the patient in the next bed to her was a lovely lady called Nora.
On one ocassion when i was visiting, Nora wasn't in her bed - she'd gone for an xray or something. Anyway I was at the bottom of the bed massaging Mum's feet (I'm a reflexologist) when I happened to glance up and notice Nora's name board above her bed. I took a double take and thought "no that doesn't say Cook " and started to giggle. Mum asked what I was laughing at and i said "do you know what Nora's surname is?- it's Cock!! "
Followed hysterical laughing and my Mum hoping Nora didn't come back too soon! My Mum at the time was in her 80's - God bless her she died a couple of years ago and I know will be horrified that I'm sharing this with you!"
Now can you see why I was laughing?! Truly brilliant.
So here's the joke ...
A man goes into a shop to buy his wife a present from their anniversary. He points out a bottle of perfume and asks how much.
"That's 50 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Oh no - that's far too much - what about a smaller bottle?"
"That's 30 pounds, sir," says the assistant.
"No," says the man. "That's still way too much. What about that really tiny bottle there?"
"That's 15 pounds," says the assistant.
"No," says the man. "Still too much. I'd like to see something cheap."
So the assistant gives him a mirror.
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ...
4
times 7
double it
divided by 7
add 23
times 3
take away 17
add 9
divided by 5
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 17
"Hi Jon,
Not wanting to offend your lovely lady caller Nora but she reminded me of this story. I don't think you'll be able to, and in fact I hope you don't read this out - just one to share with you and the crew.
Several years ago when my Mum was in hospital the patient in the next bed to her was a lovely lady called Nora.
On one ocassion when i was visiting, Nora wasn't in her bed - she'd gone for an xray or something. Anyway I was at the bottom of the bed massaging Mum's feet (I'm a reflexologist) when I happened to glance up and notice Nora's name board above her bed. I took a double take and thought "no that doesn't say Cook " and started to giggle. Mum asked what I was laughing at and i said "do you know what Nora's surname is?- it's Cock!! "
Followed hysterical laughing and my Mum hoping Nora didn't come back too soon! My Mum at the time was in her 80's - God bless her she died a couple of years ago and I know will be horrified that I'm sharing this with you!"
Now can you see why I was laughing?! Truly brilliant.
So here's the joke ...
A man goes into a shop to buy his wife a present from their anniversary. He points out a bottle of perfume and asks how much.
"That's 50 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Oh no - that's far too much - what about a smaller bottle?"
"That's 30 pounds, sir," says the assistant.
"No," says the man. "That's still way too much. What about that really tiny bottle there?"
"That's 15 pounds," says the assistant.
"No," says the man. "Still too much. I'd like to see something cheap."
So the assistant gives him a mirror.
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ...
4
times 7
double it
divided by 7
add 23
times 3
take away 17
add 9
divided by 5
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 17
Surf's up
Monday was hilarious. Cold, wet, long but hilarious.
Have just got my head around putting the photos up on the blog. Everyone was so lovely down at Boscombe and a few even braved the August weather to come and say hello to us on our tour bus. A big thanks to the surf team for letting us loose and ensuring we didn't end up at the Needles.
Anyway enjoy the pics.
Write soon.
So here's the joke ...
A young couple buy a new car and take it for a spin in the countryside. Feeling romantic and one thing leads to another - and then another and then another. Anyway - they soon work out that the car is too small. Instead they squeeze underneath the car to express their passion for one another.
Well after a few minutes a policeman walks by and tells the couple he's going to have to arrest them for indecent exposure.
"But I'm not doing anything illegal under here," complains the man. "I'm a mechanic."
"No you're not - you're making love. And I can tell that for three reasons. Firstly you have no tools out. Secondly I can see a second pair of legs and thirdly ....
... someone's stolen your car."
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Pretty straight forward this one. Here's the solution.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
7
plus 12
double it
add 17
divided by 5
plus 29
times 4
divided by 16
take off 20 percent ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 8
Have just got my head around putting the photos up on the blog. Everyone was so lovely down at Boscombe and a few even braved the August weather to come and say hello to us on our tour bus. A big thanks to the surf team for letting us loose and ensuring we didn't end up at the Needles.
Anyway enjoy the pics.
Write soon.
So here's the joke ...
A young couple buy a new car and take it for a spin in the countryside. Feeling romantic and one thing leads to another - and then another and then another. Anyway - they soon work out that the car is too small. Instead they squeeze underneath the car to express their passion for one another.
Well after a few minutes a policeman walks by and tells the couple he's going to have to arrest them for indecent exposure.
"But I'm not doing anything illegal under here," complains the man. "I'm a mechanic."
"No you're not - you're making love. And I can tell that for three reasons. Firstly you have no tools out. Secondly I can see a second pair of legs and thirdly ....
... someone's stolen your car."
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Pretty straight forward this one. Here's the solution.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
7
plus 12
double it
add 17
divided by 5
plus 29
times 4
divided by 16
take off 20 percent ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 8
Thursday, 7 August 2008
A starter for ten .... well, four
Had people over for dinner last night. Subjected them to my new starter. Thought I'd share it with you today as it's super quick and super cool. As far as I know all guests are still alive.
Ok here's what you need (serves 4)
8 ripe figs
Roquefort cheese (or something just as stinky)
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
It's pretty basic and super quick.
Quarter the figs and divide up onto four plates. Grate cheese onto the figs (you might have to chill the cheese for a bit in the freezer prior to grating otherwise it might clog up). Drizzle olive oil and balsamic vinegar (to taste) on top and Bob's your uncle.
Simple as that.
I might put in for FasterChef.
So here's the joke ...
A shy boy meets a girl at a nightclub and wanted to invite her back to his house. He asks her whether she would like to see his collection of stamps and that she has beautiful eyes ....
"Huh!" snorts the girl. "Philately gets you nowhere."
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Tougher than yesterday.Here's the solution.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
32
halve it
times 3
take off 19
add 43
divided by 9
times itself
take off 26
halve it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 19
Ok here's what you need (serves 4)
8 ripe figs
Roquefort cheese (or something just as stinky)
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
It's pretty basic and super quick.
Quarter the figs and divide up onto four plates. Grate cheese onto the figs (you might have to chill the cheese for a bit in the freezer prior to grating otherwise it might clog up). Drizzle olive oil and balsamic vinegar (to taste) on top and Bob's your uncle.
Simple as that.
I might put in for FasterChef.
So here's the joke ...
A shy boy meets a girl at a nightclub and wanted to invite her back to his house. He asks her whether she would like to see his collection of stamps and that she has beautiful eyes ....
"Huh!" snorts the girl. "Philately gets you nowhere."
========================
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Tougher than yesterday.Here's the solution.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
32
halve it
times 3
take off 19
add 43
divided by 9
times itself
take off 26
halve it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 19
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