If I do nothing else this weekend I have to sort out the central heating. As previously mentioned now being in my mid to late thirties it's time for me to worry about such things as insulation. Have bought the necessary equipment to venture down into the cellar however so far the motivation to do it has not been forthcoming.
So this evening, I know it's a Friday, I Jon Cuthill will be playing with my pipes. It's a truly sad state of affairs that it's come to this. Fridays should be fun. At no point should the words central, heating, pipes or lagging feature in anybody's Friday. But tonight is the night.
Rest of the weekend looks like a spot of surfing (haven't checked forecast yet but there might be a bit about if the wind picks up), I think I'm going bowling (am rubbish but haven't been for years so may have unwittingly developed skill) and am working Saturday night with a group of ghost watchers. Can't say I believe I'm going to see anything but they seem like a fun lot so should be a giggle. Apparently everyone's taking cake.
Which is a good start.
Have a great weekend. See you Monday.
So here's the joke ...
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies,' he responded.
'Oh ! Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
"Well ..., " he replies, " 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
========================
Mental Maths (with a Friday twist). Wasn't so much the maths today that was the problem so much as working out what the actual numbers were. Still - lots of right answers ....
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .....
A bakers dozen
plus a brace
add a score
take off the value of the green ball in snooker
divide by the number of turtle doves (12 days of xmas)
add in cockney terms a pony
add a a quarter of a century ...
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 66
Friday, 24 October 2008
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Where is the love?
This morning really reminded me of skiing.
Saying that I've never tried it. I'm a snowboarder and from day one as a boarder you're taught to be naturally suspicious of skiers. It may be the pastel all in one jumpsuits, it could be the head bands, it may even be the way they do a silly little jump turn as they plant a pole with their knees together and their bum sticking out.
Anyway whatever it is it's best to leave them well alone.
Today the cyclists and the motorists got stuck into each other over who was more of a menace on the roads. The pedal pushers claimed the drivers were giving them no respect, that they were being pushed off the road and that they're all inconsiderate and forget once they were on a pushbike too. The drivers were shouting back lights would be good at night, that red lights mean stop even for bikers and that they should get off the pavements.
I got the feeling they're never going to like each other but they may just one day learn to tolerate each other.
Why not one day everyone swap? All the motorists get on a bike. All the cyclists take a car.
I doubt it would solve anything but it would be bloody good fun and I bet a lot quicker to get into work.
So here's the joke ...
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.
"A talking dog!!!"
========================
I went soft on you today for Mental Maths but well done if you got a gold star. Even if you're fairly sure it takes nerves of steel to hand it in. Tomorrow comes the twist. Enjoy today.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 10
times 9
take off 8
minus 7
add 6
add 5
add 4
divided 3
divided by 2
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 15
Saying that I've never tried it. I'm a snowboarder and from day one as a boarder you're taught to be naturally suspicious of skiers. It may be the pastel all in one jumpsuits, it could be the head bands, it may even be the way they do a silly little jump turn as they plant a pole with their knees together and their bum sticking out.
Anyway whatever it is it's best to leave them well alone.
Today the cyclists and the motorists got stuck into each other over who was more of a menace on the roads. The pedal pushers claimed the drivers were giving them no respect, that they were being pushed off the road and that they're all inconsiderate and forget once they were on a pushbike too. The drivers were shouting back lights would be good at night, that red lights mean stop even for bikers and that they should get off the pavements.
I got the feeling they're never going to like each other but they may just one day learn to tolerate each other.
Why not one day everyone swap? All the motorists get on a bike. All the cyclists take a car.
I doubt it would solve anything but it would be bloody good fun and I bet a lot quicker to get into work.
So here's the joke ...
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.
"A talking dog!!!"
========================
I went soft on you today for Mental Maths but well done if you got a gold star. Even if you're fairly sure it takes nerves of steel to hand it in. Tomorrow comes the twist. Enjoy today.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 10
times 9
take off 8
minus 7
add 6
add 5
add 4
divided 3
divided by 2
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 15
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Bad timing
Timing has never been my strength. In fact thinking about it timing, or a lack of it, has often proved my downfall.
Today is a classic example. The lovely Kate Humble is due in (with Bill Oddie) to talk all things Autumn Watch. The sofa has been moved to Brownsea Island this time round so brace yourself for endless pictures of badgers, flappy things (birds I believe) and anything that dare move and/or look slightly alive.
Anyway - have never met her - but there are some people in life who you just think would be lovely if you ever did meet them. Kate Humble being a fine example. She seems to be the perfect girl to sit and watch a badger with - and to be fair - there aren't many people you can say that about.
The upshot of it is that just as I go she's due in and so like ships of the night we will never meet.
Mind you so far at no point in my life have I had the slightest inclination to sit in the dark on a damp patch of grass watching a fairly small, grey, slightly odd looking hairy thing.
But enough about Bill Oddie.
So here's the joke ...
Shakespeare has had a really hard day at the office. Not only was he trying to get over a small bout of writers block but his new secretary had just advised him she was pregnant and he knew that finding a temp was going to be time consuming and expensive.
As he left the office he should really have gone straight back to his wife, as they had friends coming for dinner, but he needed some down time.
So, to unwind, he drops into his local tavern on his way home. He walks quickly up the bar and says "A jar of your finest mead, please, bartender".
But the Inn Keeper replies "Get out. You're bard."
==============================
Mental Maths time and back to a more straight forward sum for you today. Lots of you liked the twist yesterday so get ready for more of that to come. First though here's today's.
Time for Mental Maths - proving the South can still add up without using a calculator or pen and paper ....
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 27
add 38
divided by 5
times 4
subtract 17
add 6
take off 21
treble it
and give me 20 percent of that ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12
Today is a classic example. The lovely Kate Humble is due in (with Bill Oddie) to talk all things Autumn Watch. The sofa has been moved to Brownsea Island this time round so brace yourself for endless pictures of badgers, flappy things (birds I believe) and anything that dare move and/or look slightly alive.
Anyway - have never met her - but there are some people in life who you just think would be lovely if you ever did meet them. Kate Humble being a fine example. She seems to be the perfect girl to sit and watch a badger with - and to be fair - there aren't many people you can say that about.
The upshot of it is that just as I go she's due in and so like ships of the night we will never meet.
Mind you so far at no point in my life have I had the slightest inclination to sit in the dark on a damp patch of grass watching a fairly small, grey, slightly odd looking hairy thing.
But enough about Bill Oddie.
So here's the joke ...
Shakespeare has had a really hard day at the office. Not only was he trying to get over a small bout of writers block but his new secretary had just advised him she was pregnant and he knew that finding a temp was going to be time consuming and expensive.
As he left the office he should really have gone straight back to his wife, as they had friends coming for dinner, but he needed some down time.
So, to unwind, he drops into his local tavern on his way home. He walks quickly up the bar and says "A jar of your finest mead, please, bartender".
But the Inn Keeper replies "Get out. You're bard."
==============================
Mental Maths time and back to a more straight forward sum for you today. Lots of you liked the twist yesterday so get ready for more of that to come. First though here's today's.
Time for Mental Maths - proving the South can still add up without using a calculator or pen and paper ....
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 27
add 38
divided by 5
times 4
subtract 17
add 6
take off 21
treble it
and give me 20 percent of that ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Warning: boring entry do not read
To be fair even Keith Richards must have the odd day when life doesn't quite seem too rock'n'roll.
Surely he can't always be driving a Rolls Royce into the hotel swimming pool. Occasionally he must actually want to watch tv instead of throwing it out of the window. (Mind you if Anne Robinson is on he may have a point.)
Anyway I feel I need to apologise for today's entry as I am about to bore you rigid with a story about lagging and central heating pipes. Please feel free to go back to Google and type "there must be something more interesting than that" into the search engine.
The fact of the matter is that it is now officially mid winter(ish). The central heating is now burning hotter than the sun in a hopeless bid to bring the temperature of my draughty old house above freezing. And I hear that gas is getting rather pricey these days.
For the past 5 years my central heating appears to have been heating the basement more efficiently that the house. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought heat always rises? Apparently not - apparently heat always rises unless it's in Jon's cellar in which case it will stay there until the summer. I've actually seen mice taking tiny towels down to the basement for their daily sauna - sat next to the thimble of water just in case it gets too hot which is probably will.
Sorry rodents - but you've had your last hot tub. For tonight I am off to buy lagging. This evening I will be lagging anything that looks remotely like a pipe.
Duck tape and insulation - that's all you need for one crazy night in.
Move over Keith.
So here's the joke ...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really cross. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and finds .... a set of bathroom scales. Bob hasn't been seen since.
===================
Mental Maths and here's the twist. Weirdly it was the texters who struggled today. Apparently it was the months that caught everyone out.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
a dozen
times the number of days in a week
take off half a century
halve that
take away number of months beginning with J
add the number of letters in the alphabet
In Roman Terms take off X
double that
take off the value of a green ball in snooker .....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... (57)
Surely he can't always be driving a Rolls Royce into the hotel swimming pool. Occasionally he must actually want to watch tv instead of throwing it out of the window. (Mind you if Anne Robinson is on he may have a point.)
Anyway I feel I need to apologise for today's entry as I am about to bore you rigid with a story about lagging and central heating pipes. Please feel free to go back to Google and type "there must be something more interesting than that" into the search engine.
The fact of the matter is that it is now officially mid winter(ish). The central heating is now burning hotter than the sun in a hopeless bid to bring the temperature of my draughty old house above freezing. And I hear that gas is getting rather pricey these days.
For the past 5 years my central heating appears to have been heating the basement more efficiently that the house. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought heat always rises? Apparently not - apparently heat always rises unless it's in Jon's cellar in which case it will stay there until the summer. I've actually seen mice taking tiny towels down to the basement for their daily sauna - sat next to the thimble of water just in case it gets too hot which is probably will.
Sorry rodents - but you've had your last hot tub. For tonight I am off to buy lagging. This evening I will be lagging anything that looks remotely like a pipe.
Duck tape and insulation - that's all you need for one crazy night in.
Move over Keith.
So here's the joke ...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really cross. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and finds .... a set of bathroom scales. Bob hasn't been seen since.
===================
Mental Maths and here's the twist. Weirdly it was the texters who struggled today. Apparently it was the months that caught everyone out.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ...
a dozen
times the number of days in a week
take off half a century
halve that
take away number of months beginning with J
add the number of letters in the alphabet
In Roman Terms take off X
double that
take off the value of a green ball in snooker .....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... (57)
Monday, 20 October 2008
Feeling a little horse ....
No need to call the animal welfare authorities - just a simple typo.
Horse as in hoarse as in sore throat. Now I don't want to start sounding like a pathetic man all of a sudden (no change there) but this tonsillitis (self diagnosed - I have internet access) is really starting to get a big boring. It's stopping me from doing my two favourite things - talking and eating.
Everyday I wake up hoping that today will be the day I can sing Pavarotti and eat crusty bread only to find my hopes dashed. At this point I have to confess I have never had a huge urge to sing Pavarotti and/or eat crusty bread - but just in case - I'd like the option to be there.
In the meantime it's back to humming and ice cream - which to be fair isn't all that bad.
Still at least the later starts now mean a bit of a lie in. It all feels a little bid odd at the moment - just like the day after the clocks change - which incidentally they must do soon.
Now that's going to feel really weird.
So here's the joke (which I forgot to do ....)
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut.
All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details.
A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son.
"Landisbanki? What do you think I am - stupid?!"
===================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher has been hard at work with this one. Most people got it spot on but there were a few miscounts along the way. Tomorrow's MM is slightly different so you'll need to be on your toes ....
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 100
Minus 50
Minus 10
Multiply by 2
Three quarters of that
Third of that
Half of that
A tenth of that
add 9
multiply by 10
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 100
Horse as in hoarse as in sore throat. Now I don't want to start sounding like a pathetic man all of a sudden (no change there) but this tonsillitis (self diagnosed - I have internet access) is really starting to get a big boring. It's stopping me from doing my two favourite things - talking and eating.
Everyday I wake up hoping that today will be the day I can sing Pavarotti and eat crusty bread only to find my hopes dashed. At this point I have to confess I have never had a huge urge to sing Pavarotti and/or eat crusty bread - but just in case - I'd like the option to be there.
In the meantime it's back to humming and ice cream - which to be fair isn't all that bad.
Still at least the later starts now mean a bit of a lie in. It all feels a little bid odd at the moment - just like the day after the clocks change - which incidentally they must do soon.
Now that's going to feel really weird.
So here's the joke (which I forgot to do ....)
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut.
All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details.
A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son.
"Landisbanki? What do you think I am - stupid?!"
===================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher has been hard at work with this one. Most people got it spot on but there were a few miscounts along the way. Tomorrow's MM is slightly different so you'll need to be on your toes ....
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 100
Minus 50
Minus 10
Multiply by 2
Three quarters of that
Third of that
Half of that
A tenth of that
add 9
multiply by 10
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 100
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Read letter day
It's just occurred to me I haven't actually written anything for ages.
Yes I dribble on with this blog everyday but it's not proper writing. Proper writing involves a pen, paper, an envelope and an address. When was the last time you actually wrote a handwritten letter to someone?
I don't think we do it enough. It's all emails, texts and msn messenger. There's something very special about getting a personal letter that someone has taken the time to write you (unless it's in crayon - and then you just worry and/or call the police.)
So today my challenge to everyone is to write one handwritten letter to someone. Perhaps someone you haven't spoken to for years or perhaps someone who you've just spoken to just a moment ago. Anyone - but you have to write it by hand.
I reckon it would make their day.
So here's the joke ...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not?" she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
============================
Mental Maths time and controversy reigned supreme with this one. If you turn a six upside down what does it become?
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23
plus 18
add 29
halve it
divided by 7
times 9
take off 27
divided by 3
turn it upside down
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 9
Yes I dribble on with this blog everyday but it's not proper writing. Proper writing involves a pen, paper, an envelope and an address. When was the last time you actually wrote a handwritten letter to someone?
I don't think we do it enough. It's all emails, texts and msn messenger. There's something very special about getting a personal letter that someone has taken the time to write you (unless it's in crayon - and then you just worry and/or call the police.)
So today my challenge to everyone is to write one handwritten letter to someone. Perhaps someone you haven't spoken to for years or perhaps someone who you've just spoken to just a moment ago. Anyone - but you have to write it by hand.
I reckon it would make their day.
So here's the joke ...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not?" she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
============================
Mental Maths time and controversy reigned supreme with this one. If you turn a six upside down what does it become?
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23
plus 18
add 29
halve it
divided by 7
times 9
take off 27
divided by 3
turn it upside down
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 9
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Just say yes ...
It's a whole lot easier. Just say yes.
Don't say no. Don't say it won't work. Don't say but surely .... Don't say anything - just say yes.
I'm going to try it. It may not work but life could be easier, won't it?
(Answer is yes, obviously)
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time God decides the world needs another flood. He gets on the phone to Noah and advises that he and his family prepare themselves.
"Same as last time? Usual ark?" asks Noah.
"No," replies God. "Not the usual one - I want you to design me a really tall ark with lots of decks."
"Oh - ok, fair enough," says Noah. "Two by two - same as last time?"
"Nope," replies God. "Can you fill it purely with fish this time - carp I think."
And so Noah builds a very tall ark and fills it with the requested type of fish - of every size shape and colour. Good to His word the rains come and the great flood washes over the earth. After weeks afloat the waters subside and Noah, his family and his fish survive.
"One thing I have to know, God" says Noah. "What was the fish thing all about?"
"Oh," says God. "I just fancied a multi storey carp ark."
===============================
Mental Maths times and this was a good 'un. No idea why but it seemed to get a lot of both right and wrong answers. If you got it wrong here's what happened.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 43
add 6
divided 7
times 9
take away 15
divided by 8
square it
take off 17
minus 8
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 11
Don't say no. Don't say it won't work. Don't say but surely .... Don't say anything - just say yes.
I'm going to try it. It may not work but life could be easier, won't it?
(Answer is yes, obviously)
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time God decides the world needs another flood. He gets on the phone to Noah and advises that he and his family prepare themselves.
"Same as last time? Usual ark?" asks Noah.
"No," replies God. "Not the usual one - I want you to design me a really tall ark with lots of decks."
"Oh - ok, fair enough," says Noah. "Two by two - same as last time?"
"Nope," replies God. "Can you fill it purely with fish this time - carp I think."
And so Noah builds a very tall ark and fills it with the requested type of fish - of every size shape and colour. Good to His word the rains come and the great flood washes over the earth. After weeks afloat the waters subside and Noah, his family and his fish survive.
"One thing I have to know, God" says Noah. "What was the fish thing all about?"
"Oh," says God. "I just fancied a multi storey carp ark."
===============================
Mental Maths times and this was a good 'un. No idea why but it seemed to get a lot of both right and wrong answers. If you got it wrong here's what happened.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 43
add 6
divided 7
times 9
take away 15
divided by 8
square it
take off 17
minus 8
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 11
Monday, 13 October 2008
And they're orf ...
OK - so after the whole "if it's not cruel why do the jockeys have whips?" thing was out of the way I did actually enjoy it. What helped was the fact is was a beautiful day and Goodwood on a beautiful day is truly spectacular. And a beautiful day is always helped by a beautiful pint. Everything in moderation, of course.
Granted I came away down on the day but I'd like to think that was a protest at the whipping however it was actually due to my complete lack of knowledge and experimental betting system.
Now whilst some people may rely on form, gate and condition of the horse I decided to judge where my money should go purely on the stable girl leading the nag around the paddock. At this point I have to admit to having to seek permission from Jemma for my rather unique way of picking my bets however once successfully negotiated it proved a very entertaining method.
There were a couple of misunderstandings at my comments about the state of backsides, legs and teeth however for legal reasons I have to point out in each case I was actually talking about the horse itself.
Anyway to cut a very long and uninteresting story short it didn't work. This may come as a shock to but if you don't look at the actual horse you're betting on you're more than likely not to win.
I did win 16 quid on an each way bet which came in third.
It had lovely legs.
(The horse)
So here's the joke ...
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realised that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?
"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
Mrs Lobster was incensed.
"You shellfish bugger."
========================
Mental Maths and all fairly straight forward today. Bumper turn out for the maths lesson but a few of you slipped up so here's the problem.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 7
plus 27
take off 17
add 34
double it
minus 40
halve it
take off 6
divided by 5
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 5
Granted I came away down on the day but I'd like to think that was a protest at the whipping however it was actually due to my complete lack of knowledge and experimental betting system.
Now whilst some people may rely on form, gate and condition of the horse I decided to judge where my money should go purely on the stable girl leading the nag around the paddock. At this point I have to admit to having to seek permission from Jemma for my rather unique way of picking my bets however once successfully negotiated it proved a very entertaining method.
There were a couple of misunderstandings at my comments about the state of backsides, legs and teeth however for legal reasons I have to point out in each case I was actually talking about the horse itself.
Anyway to cut a very long and uninteresting story short it didn't work. This may come as a shock to but if you don't look at the actual horse you're betting on you're more than likely not to win.
I did win 16 quid on an each way bet which came in third.
It had lovely legs.
(The horse)
So here's the joke ...
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realised that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?
"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
Mrs Lobster was incensed.
"You shellfish bugger."
========================
Mental Maths and all fairly straight forward today. Bumper turn out for the maths lesson but a few of you slipped up so here's the problem.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 7
plus 27
take off 17
add 34
double it
minus 40
halve it
take off 6
divided by 5
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 5
Friday, 10 October 2008
Weekend plans
So that's another week then.
Highlights included my winking research establishing there is no connection between the eye you find it easier to wink with and the hand you write with. Also I'm now on MyFace Spacebook or whatever it's called so have join the Appreciation Society. No idea what happens now but you've got to be in it to win it.
Off to Goodwood for the weekend. Living it up on Saturday and watching the racing on Sunday. Can't say I'm massively into horse racing but it makes a bit of a change, doesn't it? Will no doubt have the usual arguments with the racing fraternity about whips and the question whether they really enjoy running around with a wee man on their backs?
Charlie was banging on about putting something on a nag with a reference to white in it's name. She's convinced it will win.
Although not quite convinced enough to put a tenner on it.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said "Instinct."
==================
Mental Maths time and a clean sweep by class mates on the phones and email today. Sadly a couple of texters got it wrong so here it is ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 40
give me 25 percent of that
times 12
50 percent of that
divided by 5
add 19
minus 24
times itself
treble it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 147
Highlights included my winking research establishing there is no connection between the eye you find it easier to wink with and the hand you write with. Also I'm now on MyFace Spacebook or whatever it's called so have join the Appreciation Society. No idea what happens now but you've got to be in it to win it.
Off to Goodwood for the weekend. Living it up on Saturday and watching the racing on Sunday. Can't say I'm massively into horse racing but it makes a bit of a change, doesn't it? Will no doubt have the usual arguments with the racing fraternity about whips and the question whether they really enjoy running around with a wee man on their backs?
Charlie was banging on about putting something on a nag with a reference to white in it's name. She's convinced it will win.
Although not quite convinced enough to put a tenner on it.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said "Instinct."
==================
Mental Maths time and a clean sweep by class mates on the phones and email today. Sadly a couple of texters got it wrong so here it is ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 40
give me 25 percent of that
times 12
50 percent of that
divided by 5
add 19
minus 24
times itself
treble it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 147
Thursday, 9 October 2008
It's all coming out now ...
The plot thickens.
Now I've always thought all local councils were short of cash. There are the usual rounds of apologies as Council Tax is put up. The normal rounds of Chief Executives complaining about a lack of government funding. The normal excuses when local services don't their job "if only we had the money we so desperately need ...."
But here's the funny thing.
Now the Icelandic Banking system appears to be up the swanney (correct financial term) organisations have spent today admitting exactly how much money they did have invested in the country's banks. And whilst I have a whole load of sympathy for places such as Naomi House who've been caught up in the madness of world economics my sympathy starts to fail ever so slightly when local councils admit they had millions of pounds stashed away.
Now I have to make it absolutely clear that I'm no accountant and I'm sure there are some very good reasons why a council is putting millions and millions into various Icelandic accounts. And I have to make it absolutely clear I have no idea whatsoever about the ins and outs of local authority funding. I'm sure it's very complicated and beyond a simpleton like me.
But hands up who'll open their council tax bill with a wry smile.
So here's the joke ...
A farmer needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The bank manager who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The bank manager suggests that a vet takes a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbour's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," said the farmer. "They taste kind of chocolatey ...."
==============================
Mental Maths and here's the puzzle from today. Remember no pens or paper. Follow it all in your noggin' and see if you arrive at the answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 8
times 7
plus 19
divided by 5
add 27
divided by 7
times 12
take off 36
and give me two thirds of that ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 24
Now I've always thought all local councils were short of cash. There are the usual rounds of apologies as Council Tax is put up. The normal rounds of Chief Executives complaining about a lack of government funding. The normal excuses when local services don't their job "if only we had the money we so desperately need ...."
But here's the funny thing.
Now the Icelandic Banking system appears to be up the swanney (correct financial term) organisations have spent today admitting exactly how much money they did have invested in the country's banks. And whilst I have a whole load of sympathy for places such as Naomi House who've been caught up in the madness of world economics my sympathy starts to fail ever so slightly when local councils admit they had millions of pounds stashed away.
Now I have to make it absolutely clear that I'm no accountant and I'm sure there are some very good reasons why a council is putting millions and millions into various Icelandic accounts. And I have to make it absolutely clear I have no idea whatsoever about the ins and outs of local authority funding. I'm sure it's very complicated and beyond a simpleton like me.
But hands up who'll open their council tax bill with a wry smile.
So here's the joke ...
A farmer needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The bank manager who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The bank manager suggests that a vet takes a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbour's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," said the farmer. "They taste kind of chocolatey ...."
==============================
Mental Maths and here's the puzzle from today. Remember no pens or paper. Follow it all in your noggin' and see if you arrive at the answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 8
times 7
plus 19
divided by 5
add 27
divided by 7
times 12
take off 36
and give me two thirds of that ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 24
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
I.O.U.
So Gordon Brown has decided to bail out the banks to the tune of £50 billion.
Now I'm no economic genius and I suppose at times like these you just have to trust the people in charge but it's made me a little bit cross and I'm not sure why.
Perhaps it's because the £50 billion is apparently tax payers money. So a rough calculation is, what, about 30 million people working in the UK? So that's 30 million hopefully paying tax. So 50 billion divided by 30 million is ... er ... 1.6 million pounds?!?!?! Hold on that can't be right. How many 0's in a billion? It's a million, million. So that's 12 0's.
Now please check my maths someone as according to that the government, on my behalf, has just put down 1.6 million pounds of my taxes.
Woh!
A couple of questions spring to mind ....
1) Have I been paying too much tax?
2) Can I pay it back in installments?
3) If it all goes horribly wrong and the banking bail out doesn't work - do I owe someone 1.6 million quid?!
The other question is - if there's now 1.6 million pounds of my own money knocking around the banking system does that mean it's easier for me to borrow a couple of thousand for a basement conversion?
Come to think of it - loan?! What am I talking about - they owe me! I'd like it in 10 pence pieces please - no fifties.
So here's the joke ...
After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job.
The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head.
It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead.
When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is.
"Dunno," says the deacon. "But his face rings a bell."
================================
Mental maths time and unbelievably it all seemed to work today despite me getting the question wrong. Well done if you got it right - here's what happened if you got it wrong.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23
add 38
double it
take away 37
plus 3
add 39
minus 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 100
Now I'm no economic genius and I suppose at times like these you just have to trust the people in charge but it's made me a little bit cross and I'm not sure why.
Perhaps it's because the £50 billion is apparently tax payers money. So a rough calculation is, what, about 30 million people working in the UK? So that's 30 million hopefully paying tax. So 50 billion divided by 30 million is ... er ... 1.6 million pounds?!?!?! Hold on that can't be right. How many 0's in a billion? It's a million, million. So that's 12 0's.
Now please check my maths someone as according to that the government, on my behalf, has just put down 1.6 million pounds of my taxes.
Woh!
A couple of questions spring to mind ....
1) Have I been paying too much tax?
2) Can I pay it back in installments?
3) If it all goes horribly wrong and the banking bail out doesn't work - do I owe someone 1.6 million quid?!
The other question is - if there's now 1.6 million pounds of my own money knocking around the banking system does that mean it's easier for me to borrow a couple of thousand for a basement conversion?
Come to think of it - loan?! What am I talking about - they owe me! I'd like it in 10 pence pieces please - no fifties.
So here's the joke ...
After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job.
The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head.
It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead.
When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is.
"Dunno," says the deacon. "But his face rings a bell."
================================
Mental maths time and unbelievably it all seemed to work today despite me getting the question wrong. Well done if you got it right - here's what happened if you got it wrong.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23
add 38
double it
take away 37
plus 3
add 39
minus 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 100
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
In the dark
OK so as you know by now Monday night is football night.
Another distinctly average performance which resulted in a solitary goal and not much running around. So I get home thinking I need to make little more of an effort on the pitch ie actually run around more than the absolute bare minimum (although to be fair I am 37).
Anyway I get home and out of nowhere the thought comes "Why don't you go for a run?"
It's half past ten at night, it's pitch black, I am wearing mainly black (no I'm not the ref) and my brain is trying to get my body out for a run!?!?! Am worried this may be a flash of mid life crisis but unbelievably my body went with my brain and off I went.
To be fair I did quite enjoy it but, and this may surprise you, I appeared to be the only runner pounding the streets at 11pm. There are pro's and con's to the late night run. A plus is the lack of traffic at junctions which means less stopping and starting. A minus are the people post pub who tend to weave on the pavements making judging a (low speed) pass quite tricky.
Oh as for the wearing black in the dark whilst running that is a particularly foolish thing to do.
Apologies to the cyclist whom I seemed to take entirely by surprise.
So here's the joke ...
A salesman was driving his car and his boss rang up, and said 'You've been promoted.' He swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." He swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director." And the man crashed as he swerved into a tree.
The policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And he said "I careered off the road."
======================
No mental maths today due to footy coverage. Back tomorrow maths fans.
Another distinctly average performance which resulted in a solitary goal and not much running around. So I get home thinking I need to make little more of an effort on the pitch ie actually run around more than the absolute bare minimum (although to be fair I am 37).
Anyway I get home and out of nowhere the thought comes "Why don't you go for a run?"
It's half past ten at night, it's pitch black, I am wearing mainly black (no I'm not the ref) and my brain is trying to get my body out for a run!?!?! Am worried this may be a flash of mid life crisis but unbelievably my body went with my brain and off I went.
To be fair I did quite enjoy it but, and this may surprise you, I appeared to be the only runner pounding the streets at 11pm. There are pro's and con's to the late night run. A plus is the lack of traffic at junctions which means less stopping and starting. A minus are the people post pub who tend to weave on the pavements making judging a (low speed) pass quite tricky.
Oh as for the wearing black in the dark whilst running that is a particularly foolish thing to do.
Apologies to the cyclist whom I seemed to take entirely by surprise.
So here's the joke ...
A salesman was driving his car and his boss rang up, and said 'You've been promoted.' He swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." He swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director." And the man crashed as he swerved into a tree.
The policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And he said "I careered off the road."
======================
No mental maths today due to footy coverage. Back tomorrow maths fans.
Monday, 6 October 2008
A lesson in perspective
Big things apparently look smaller the further away they are.
It's not new - it's even got a name. Perspective.
However every now and again I forget. And so there I was on Boscombe seafront with surf board surveying the now shifting horizon (that possibly should have been the clue) OK so it was a little bit windy and OK it was a little bit rainy. Perhaps the fact the rain didn't actually land and was travelling horizontally should have been clue 2.
Anyway in I pop skipping through the surf. Wallop! Back I go to the beach. Next I try a slightly more assertive run into the waves. Wallop! Again I arrive back on beach. And so it went on for the next hour. Every time I tried to go out a rather huge wave would quickly assist me back to the beach.
Now I know what you thinking - surely, Jon, that's the basic principal of surfing. You go out and then come back in. However am finally sure one of the rules of surfing is that when you come back you should be on or at least in the near proximity of your board.
I wasn't.
Am walking slightly like John Wayne today but am sure it'll all heal. They may even grow back.
PS Note no mention of my serious man flu condition despite my suffering.
PPS If I make it through will write again soon.
So here's the joke ...
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, £300,000. For a female brain, £100,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
The vet replied "That's because the female brain has actually been used."
=================================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one. Some of you liked it others struggled a bit with all the taking away. And it's nasty numbers for subtraction.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100
Minus 37
Minus 7
Minus 37
Minus 7
Multiplied by 12
Minus 44
Minus 37
Minus 7
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER 56
It's not new - it's even got a name. Perspective.
However every now and again I forget. And so there I was on Boscombe seafront with surf board surveying the now shifting horizon (that possibly should have been the clue) OK so it was a little bit windy and OK it was a little bit rainy. Perhaps the fact the rain didn't actually land and was travelling horizontally should have been clue 2.
Anyway in I pop skipping through the surf. Wallop! Back I go to the beach. Next I try a slightly more assertive run into the waves. Wallop! Again I arrive back on beach. And so it went on for the next hour. Every time I tried to go out a rather huge wave would quickly assist me back to the beach.
Now I know what you thinking - surely, Jon, that's the basic principal of surfing. You go out and then come back in. However am finally sure one of the rules of surfing is that when you come back you should be on or at least in the near proximity of your board.
I wasn't.
Am walking slightly like John Wayne today but am sure it'll all heal. They may even grow back.
PS Note no mention of my serious man flu condition despite my suffering.
PPS If I make it through will write again soon.
So here's the joke ...
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, £300,000. For a female brain, £100,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
The vet replied "That's because the female brain has actually been used."
=================================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one. Some of you liked it others struggled a bit with all the taking away. And it's nasty numbers for subtraction.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100
Minus 37
Minus 7
Minus 37
Minus 7
Multiplied by 12
Minus 44
Minus 37
Minus 7
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER 56
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Pain in the neck
Today I need to talk to you about the whole man doctor thing.
Suffice to say I am pretty bad at the whole responsible adult thing. Problem is I don't have a huge amount of responsibility in life and get distracted pretty much at or by the drop of a hat. To me the fun stuff seems slightly more important than most of the sensible stuff.
Anyway after what probably is far too long of putting up with headaches, bad nights sleep and general grumpiness I went to see the doctor about my neck. Everything was going fine until he asked me how long I'd had it for. That was when all of a sudden my "fun filled don't worry about the sensible stuff plan" didn't seem that clever.
I felt like a naughty school kid sat on a chair in the headmaster's office. Worse still was the follow up question - why exactly I hadn't come in earlier? And do you know what - I couldn't actually answer it.
Just did my best smile and shrugged. Did the whole comedy Wallace and Grommit I've-just-been-asked-a-tricky-question-that-I-can't-answer face.
Now it's not like my head is about to fall off or anything serious but it was a little bit of a wake up call. Have made a mental note to self to sort things out when they happen and not just keeping putting stuff off because it's easier to do nothing.
Apart from the washing up.
So here's the joke ...
Mummy mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.
Snatching up the child mum ran for the mouse hole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it.
Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat.
The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Mummy mouse turned to her baby and said,
"Now do you see the benefits of learning a foreign language?"
======================
MENTAL MATHS and this one caused a few problems today.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9
times 4
give me a third of that
times a half
times it's self
give me 2 sixths of that
take off 5
times 9
add the digits together ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER ... 9
Suffice to say I am pretty bad at the whole responsible adult thing. Problem is I don't have a huge amount of responsibility in life and get distracted pretty much at or by the drop of a hat. To me the fun stuff seems slightly more important than most of the sensible stuff.
Anyway after what probably is far too long of putting up with headaches, bad nights sleep and general grumpiness I went to see the doctor about my neck. Everything was going fine until he asked me how long I'd had it for. That was when all of a sudden my "fun filled don't worry about the sensible stuff plan" didn't seem that clever.
I felt like a naughty school kid sat on a chair in the headmaster's office. Worse still was the follow up question - why exactly I hadn't come in earlier? And do you know what - I couldn't actually answer it.
Just did my best smile and shrugged. Did the whole comedy Wallace and Grommit I've-just-been-asked-a-tricky-question-that-I-can't-answer face.
Now it's not like my head is about to fall off or anything serious but it was a little bit of a wake up call. Have made a mental note to self to sort things out when they happen and not just keeping putting stuff off because it's easier to do nothing.
Apart from the washing up.
So here's the joke ...
Mummy mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.
Snatching up the child mum ran for the mouse hole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it.
Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat.
The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Mummy mouse turned to her baby and said,
"Now do you see the benefits of learning a foreign language?"
======================
MENTAL MATHS and this one caused a few problems today.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9
times 4
give me a third of that
times a half
times it's self
give me 2 sixths of that
take off 5
times 9
add the digits together ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER ... 9
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Snooze you lose
OK so here's the deal.
I am pretty rubbish at the whole getting up kind of thing. Now I'm sure there are some people who on only the second ping of their alarm clock are already out of bed, showering, having breakfast and chomping at the bit to get on with their day.
I on the other hand take a slightly more considered approach. And this is the problem.
The snooze button.
Snooze buttons ruin lives. It's a fact.
Don't be fooled into thinking you'll get more precious sleep by repeatedly hitting that button. You are just kidding yourself. Yes, technically you are in bed, but you will find yourself in a bewildering world of sleep and no sleep. It's the sleep equivalent of having a warm can of coke on a hot summers day. You know you've just taken liquid on board but somehow it didn't seem to quench your thirst.
Every five minutes bang! your arm's flapping like a giant beached tuna attempting to hit that button to send you back to a sleepless oblivion. Every five minutes you're snapped back to reality with a shudder trying to remember where you are and possibly more to the point who you are.
My theory is for every five minute snooze you take you lose what feels like an hour of regular sleep. All I'm saying is I hit that button so many times this morning it feels like I haven't slept for days.
Am starting a campaign group. Join me.
So here's the joke ...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel, let alone the massive environmental impact!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK , "I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know how to make them truly happy."
"About that bridge," says the genie. "How many lanes do you want. Two or four?"
=====================
Mental Maths time and today's question caught a few of you out. Remember it's all done in your head - no writing anything down. See if you arrive at the correct answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 56
take off 29
divided by 3
double it
add 24
reverse the digits
swap em back
add 6
divided by 4
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12
I am pretty rubbish at the whole getting up kind of thing. Now I'm sure there are some people who on only the second ping of their alarm clock are already out of bed, showering, having breakfast and chomping at the bit to get on with their day.
I on the other hand take a slightly more considered approach. And this is the problem.
The snooze button.
Snooze buttons ruin lives. It's a fact.
Don't be fooled into thinking you'll get more precious sleep by repeatedly hitting that button. You are just kidding yourself. Yes, technically you are in bed, but you will find yourself in a bewildering world of sleep and no sleep. It's the sleep equivalent of having a warm can of coke on a hot summers day. You know you've just taken liquid on board but somehow it didn't seem to quench your thirst.
Every five minutes bang! your arm's flapping like a giant beached tuna attempting to hit that button to send you back to a sleepless oblivion. Every five minutes you're snapped back to reality with a shudder trying to remember where you are and possibly more to the point who you are.
My theory is for every five minute snooze you take you lose what feels like an hour of regular sleep. All I'm saying is I hit that button so many times this morning it feels like I haven't slept for days.
Am starting a campaign group. Join me.
So here's the joke ...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel, let alone the massive environmental impact!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK , "I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know how to make them truly happy."
"About that bridge," says the genie. "How many lanes do you want. Two or four?"
=====================
Mental Maths time and today's question caught a few of you out. Remember it's all done in your head - no writing anything down. See if you arrive at the correct answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 56
take off 29
divided by 3
double it
add 24
reverse the digits
swap em back
add 6
divided by 4
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12
Monday, 29 September 2008
London town and a working weekend
I know, I know but it's not because I don't love you.
I've been hob nobbing in London Town for the last couple of days. All good fun although the best bit of any course/conference does tend to be the beer afterwards. Some people call it networking. Either I'm not grown up enough to do that (that may explain the career) or I just prefer having fun (and beer as it turns out although sadly none of the beer was expense refundable.)
Anyway that was how last week ended. And then there was a 40th birthday party at the weekend - well 3 actually. A sort of combined 120th although it was one of those parties you go to where you don't actually know many/any of the people there and you spend most of the night thinking you'll get turfed out as a gatecrasher. Luckily I found out I could do 40th birthday small talk very well and a super fun time was had by all.
Meetings today, prerecords and general Monday stuff. Will be a bit on the hectic side this evening as I promised to go and see the Southampton Ukulele Jam tonight in Southampton (they are hilarious - it's basically people playing The Undertones and Talking Heads on ukuleles). Then it's on to Romsey for footy.
I may be the only one holding a ukulele wearing football shorts.
For some reason that sounds ruder than I meant.
So here's the joke ....
Bob was a farmer and was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, taking in the whole event.
"Oh great...", thought Bob, "...he's only 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, Bob walked over to his son and asked, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad...
"How fast was that calf going when he ran into that cow?!!"
============================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one for the class today. Don't get too freaked out about the high numbers. It's all fairly straight forward for a Monday.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100
times ten
take away 4
divide by 3
take away 32
divide by 100
times 15
take away 8
times 3
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 111
I've been hob nobbing in London Town for the last couple of days. All good fun although the best bit of any course/conference does tend to be the beer afterwards. Some people call it networking. Either I'm not grown up enough to do that (that may explain the career) or I just prefer having fun (and beer as it turns out although sadly none of the beer was expense refundable.)
Anyway that was how last week ended. And then there was a 40th birthday party at the weekend - well 3 actually. A sort of combined 120th although it was one of those parties you go to where you don't actually know many/any of the people there and you spend most of the night thinking you'll get turfed out as a gatecrasher. Luckily I found out I could do 40th birthday small talk very well and a super fun time was had by all.
Meetings today, prerecords and general Monday stuff. Will be a bit on the hectic side this evening as I promised to go and see the Southampton Ukulele Jam tonight in Southampton (they are hilarious - it's basically people playing The Undertones and Talking Heads on ukuleles). Then it's on to Romsey for footy.
I may be the only one holding a ukulele wearing football shorts.
For some reason that sounds ruder than I meant.
So here's the joke ....
Bob was a farmer and was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, taking in the whole event.
"Oh great...", thought Bob, "...he's only 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, Bob walked over to his son and asked, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad...
"How fast was that calf going when he ran into that cow?!!"
============================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one for the class today. Don't get too freaked out about the high numbers. It's all fairly straight forward for a Monday.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100
times ten
take away 4
divide by 3
take away 32
divide by 100
times 15
take away 8
times 3
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 111
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Bedroom disaster
Was running around trying not to be late for Monday night's footie match in Winchester (which incidentally ended up a glorious 3-3 draw). Anyway rushed into the master bedroom in the west wing and whizzed the dimmer switch around to illuminate the boudoir.
Straight away I knew all was not right and so it was proven when I attempted to switch off the light to leave. The light would not turn off. At all. Despite numerous attempts of twisting, pushing, pulling and begging it to switch off it remained very much on.
And so it was four hours later that I found myself lying in bed in an extremely well lit bedroom attempting to go to sleep. Couldn't work out which fuse I should take out in the fuse box and all the bulbs were now nuclear hot and would melt even the sun itself.
All I'll say is I wouldn't recommend attempting a restful night under direct bulb light. My body clock has all gone to pot and currently I have no idea what time/day or even year it is. As I speak my bedroom remains very well lit. Apologies Al Gore.
Am off to B&Q after work today. It can't be that hard to change a switch, surely? Mind you if the traffic lights dim when you're driving home you'll know it was rather more complicated than I anticipated.
Well wear my marigolds and rubber wellies.
So here's the joke ...
An Elderly couple walk into a café. They order one beefburger, one portion of chips and one drink. The old man unwraps the beefburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.
He then counts out the fries, divided them into two piles and placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, then sets the cup down beside them. As he begins to eat his few bites of his beefburger, the people around start whispering: "That poor old couple- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his chips a young man comes to the table. He offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine- they're just used to sharing everything. The other diners notice the old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She just sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking a sip of the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says: "No thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little lady and asks: "May I ask what you are waiting for?"
"The teeth."
===================
And onto Mental Maths. Here is today's puzzle. Again quite straight forward but under pressure quite a few fell at a rather awkward subtraction hurdle ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 17
plus 14
times 4
divided by 2
take off 44
divided by 6
add 9
three quarters of that
times 3
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 27
Straight away I knew all was not right and so it was proven when I attempted to switch off the light to leave. The light would not turn off. At all. Despite numerous attempts of twisting, pushing, pulling and begging it to switch off it remained very much on.
And so it was four hours later that I found myself lying in bed in an extremely well lit bedroom attempting to go to sleep. Couldn't work out which fuse I should take out in the fuse box and all the bulbs were now nuclear hot and would melt even the sun itself.
All I'll say is I wouldn't recommend attempting a restful night under direct bulb light. My body clock has all gone to pot and currently I have no idea what time/day or even year it is. As I speak my bedroom remains very well lit. Apologies Al Gore.
Am off to B&Q after work today. It can't be that hard to change a switch, surely? Mind you if the traffic lights dim when you're driving home you'll know it was rather more complicated than I anticipated.
Well wear my marigolds and rubber wellies.
So here's the joke ...
An Elderly couple walk into a café. They order one beefburger, one portion of chips and one drink. The old man unwraps the beefburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.
He then counts out the fries, divided them into two piles and placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, then sets the cup down beside them. As he begins to eat his few bites of his beefburger, the people around start whispering: "That poor old couple- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his chips a young man comes to the table. He offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine- they're just used to sharing everything. The other diners notice the old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She just sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking a sip of the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says: "No thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little lady and asks: "May I ask what you are waiting for?"
"The teeth."
===================
And onto Mental Maths. Here is today's puzzle. Again quite straight forward but under pressure quite a few fell at a rather awkward subtraction hurdle ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 17
plus 14
times 4
divided by 2
take off 44
divided by 6
add 9
three quarters of that
times 3
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 27
Monday, 22 September 2008
Where've you been?
Well alright - it's more like where have I been?
To be fair I have been working very hard. I'm not whingeing - the boss never reads this but as well as the radio show I also do the odd bit of filming and last week it just went a bit bonkers. Loads of good stuff which you might end up seeing on the web or hearing on the radio. But it was the filming equivalent of buses - nothing for ages and then all of a sudden ... chaos.
So in between that I have made two purchases which should improve the quality of my life.
The first is a ukulele. Not any old ukulele but a flying V which I didn't think they made. (Picture in your head the sort of ukulele that ZZ Top would play and you're nearly there). Anyway having met the Southampton Ukulele Jam I've decided to learn and join the 40 strong membership of mass ranks of ukulele. Seems like a whole load of fun however my fingers do seem a little on the chubby side but am sure I could always go on a diet or exercise only my digits.
Therefore my second weekend purchase was an X-Box 360. To be fair I may be a little old for that sort of nonsense but I've been console free for nearly a year and I do miss it a bit. Rebecca has been telling me today that I am the perfect age for it.
I fear she may be saying I'm a tad childish but that's what producers are for.
Am thinking of combining the two - Ukulele Hero anyone?
So here's the joke ...
A man goes into a wine bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission. So the man goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper leads in the boot.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says ....
"In you go - but don't start anything."
===================
Mental Maths time and after your online week off here's today's puzzle. Fairly straight forward this one - follow it through and see if you arrive at the correct answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 21
two thirds of that
double it
a quarter of that
times itself
double that
take away 19
plus 2
divided by 9 ...
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 9
To be fair I have been working very hard. I'm not whingeing - the boss never reads this but as well as the radio show I also do the odd bit of filming and last week it just went a bit bonkers. Loads of good stuff which you might end up seeing on the web or hearing on the radio. But it was the filming equivalent of buses - nothing for ages and then all of a sudden ... chaos.
So in between that I have made two purchases which should improve the quality of my life.
The first is a ukulele. Not any old ukulele but a flying V which I didn't think they made. (Picture in your head the sort of ukulele that ZZ Top would play and you're nearly there). Anyway having met the Southampton Ukulele Jam I've decided to learn and join the 40 strong membership of mass ranks of ukulele. Seems like a whole load of fun however my fingers do seem a little on the chubby side but am sure I could always go on a diet or exercise only my digits.
Therefore my second weekend purchase was an X-Box 360. To be fair I may be a little old for that sort of nonsense but I've been console free for nearly a year and I do miss it a bit. Rebecca has been telling me today that I am the perfect age for it.
I fear she may be saying I'm a tad childish but that's what producers are for.
Am thinking of combining the two - Ukulele Hero anyone?
So here's the joke ...
A man goes into a wine bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission. So the man goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper leads in the boot.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says ....
"In you go - but don't start anything."
===================
Mental Maths time and after your online week off here's today's puzzle. Fairly straight forward this one - follow it through and see if you arrive at the correct answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 21
two thirds of that
double it
a quarter of that
times itself
double that
take away 19
plus 2
divided by 9 ...
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 9
Monday, 15 September 2008
The issue that won't go away
OK ok ok - I know I've gone on and on about this cake but ...
Finally here is the definitive recipe for Tomato Soup Cake. Thanks to Pauline and Doug from Gosport. I can vouch for the fact that all your basic criteria for a cake are covered by this one ...
a) it looks like a cake
b) it tastes like a cake
c) despite it's dodgy tomato soup ingredient - I truly believe it IS a cake
Scroll down for the recipe - it is very tasty (unlike my efforts last week)
Elsewhere over the weekend I ended up visiting Ikea and buying a basket full of stuff I didn't really need. I can now provide ice in four different styles (normal cubes, jigsaw pieces, bottles and sticks). Also I am able to scrub by back and scrub my feet (not that I wasn't before) courtesy of the bathroom department. And - I am living the rock'n'roll dream, baby - I have 3 extra tea towels to add to my arsenal.
All of that I can live with but I made a rash purchase of a new light. All I'm going to say is that the showroom must have been deceptively spacious as I now have a light which gets in the way where ever you are in the room. Imagine a lamp on the end of a fishing rod that's bending over under the strain and you've just about got it. I fear it's going to have to be consigned to the dining room where it will attack unsuspecting guests.
Either that or ebay is just about to gain one more item.
So here's the joke ...
After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the lawyer's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"The grounds for divorce ...."
==================
Mental Maths time again and all fairly straight forward for the start of the week. Rules are simple no writing down, do all the sums in your head and see if you can get to the answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 11
take off 4
times 6
double it
take off 36
divided by 4
take away 9
times 9
double it ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 54
And finally ....
TOMATO SOUP CAKE
2 cups plain flour
11/2 cups sugar
4 teaspoons baking powder
11/2 teaspoons ground allspice (not mixed spice)
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon ground cloves
1 can of condensed Tomato Soup
½ cup vegetable shortening ( I use vegetable oil )
2 eggs
¼ cup of water
Grease and flour two 8-inch sandwich pans.
Preheat oven to 350 F 180 C Gas 5
Put all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix on low speed until ingredients
are blended. Then at high speed for four minutes. Divide equally between
the two pans and bake for 35/40 minutes or until a tester comes out clean.
Cool in pans for 10 minutes, then remove from the pans and cool completely.
Cream cheese filling
==============
50g softened butter
50g cream cheese
Icing sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla essence
Blend butter and cream cheese, add vanilla. Add enough icing sugar to make the right consistency.
Finally here is the definitive recipe for Tomato Soup Cake. Thanks to Pauline and Doug from Gosport. I can vouch for the fact that all your basic criteria for a cake are covered by this one ...
a) it looks like a cake
b) it tastes like a cake
c) despite it's dodgy tomato soup ingredient - I truly believe it IS a cake
Scroll down for the recipe - it is very tasty (unlike my efforts last week)
Elsewhere over the weekend I ended up visiting Ikea and buying a basket full of stuff I didn't really need. I can now provide ice in four different styles (normal cubes, jigsaw pieces, bottles and sticks). Also I am able to scrub by back and scrub my feet (not that I wasn't before) courtesy of the bathroom department. And - I am living the rock'n'roll dream, baby - I have 3 extra tea towels to add to my arsenal.
All of that I can live with but I made a rash purchase of a new light. All I'm going to say is that the showroom must have been deceptively spacious as I now have a light which gets in the way where ever you are in the room. Imagine a lamp on the end of a fishing rod that's bending over under the strain and you've just about got it. I fear it's going to have to be consigned to the dining room where it will attack unsuspecting guests.
Either that or ebay is just about to gain one more item.
So here's the joke ...
After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the lawyer's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"The grounds for divorce ...."
==================
Mental Maths time again and all fairly straight forward for the start of the week. Rules are simple no writing down, do all the sums in your head and see if you can get to the answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 11
take off 4
times 6
double it
take off 36
divided by 4
take away 9
times 9
double it ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 54
And finally ....
TOMATO SOUP CAKE
2 cups plain flour
11/2 cups sugar
4 teaspoons baking powder
11/2 teaspoons ground allspice (not mixed spice)
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon ground cloves
1 can of condensed Tomato Soup
½ cup vegetable shortening ( I use vegetable oil )
2 eggs
¼ cup of water
Grease and flour two 8-inch sandwich pans.
Preheat oven to 350 F 180 C Gas 5
Put all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix on low speed until ingredients
are blended. Then at high speed for four minutes. Divide equally between
the two pans and bake for 35/40 minutes or until a tester comes out clean.
Cool in pans for 10 minutes, then remove from the pans and cool completely.
Cream cheese filling
==============
50g softened butter
50g cream cheese
Icing sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla essence
Blend butter and cream cheese, add vanilla. Add enough icing sugar to make the right consistency.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
In need of something savoury
Am feeling slightly unwell.
May be something to do with consuming a victoria sponge, a chocolate and coca cola cake and a tomato soup cake. If that wasn't bad enough here's the recipe, as promised, for the chocolate and mayonnaise cake. (Thanks to Rona)
Oh - and it's in American measurements. I appear to have had trouble with my cup sizes. Apparently it's a common trait in most men.
Chocolate Mayonnaise cake
A chocolate mayonnaise cake, made with mayonnaise in place of eggs and oil.
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1/2 cup cocoa
* 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup sugar
* 3/4 cup mayonnaise
* 1 cup water
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
Preparation:
Sift together the flour, cocoa, soda and salt. Cream together the sugar, mayonnaise, water and vanilla. Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture; stir until well blended. Pour batter into greased and floured layer cake pans (or a 9- x 13-inch pan). Bake at 350°F. for about 25
minutes.
Enjoy?!
So here's the joke ...
A man sits at a cafe, enjoying an after work aperitif, when a gorgeous young woman walks in. He cannot take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks directly toward him. Before he can apologize for staring, the woman says, "I will do anything for you, absolutely anything, for just £100. There's only one condition."
"What's that?" asks the flabbergasted man.
The woman says: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket and slowly counts out five twenty pound notes, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into her eyes as he says ....
"Paint my house."
======================
Mental Maths today left everyone going round in circles. A little bit sneaky I know but I think you all enjoyed it. Here's what happened.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 97
take off 8
minus 12
subtract 15
take off 6
subtract 8
take off 19
minus 13
plus 81
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 97
May be something to do with consuming a victoria sponge, a chocolate and coca cola cake and a tomato soup cake. If that wasn't bad enough here's the recipe, as promised, for the chocolate and mayonnaise cake. (Thanks to Rona)
Oh - and it's in American measurements. I appear to have had trouble with my cup sizes. Apparently it's a common trait in most men.
Chocolate Mayonnaise cake
A chocolate mayonnaise cake, made with mayonnaise in place of eggs and oil.
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1/2 cup cocoa
* 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup sugar
* 3/4 cup mayonnaise
* 1 cup water
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
Preparation:
Sift together the flour, cocoa, soda and salt. Cream together the sugar, mayonnaise, water and vanilla. Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture; stir until well blended. Pour batter into greased and floured layer cake pans (or a 9- x 13-inch pan). Bake at 350°F. for about 25
minutes.
Enjoy?!
So here's the joke ...
A man sits at a cafe, enjoying an after work aperitif, when a gorgeous young woman walks in. He cannot take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks directly toward him. Before he can apologize for staring, the woman says, "I will do anything for you, absolutely anything, for just £100. There's only one condition."
"What's that?" asks the flabbergasted man.
The woman says: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket and slowly counts out five twenty pound notes, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into her eyes as he says ....
"Paint my house."
======================
Mental Maths today left everyone going round in circles. A little bit sneaky I know but I think you all enjoyed it. Here's what happened.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 97
take off 8
minus 12
subtract 15
take off 6
subtract 8
take off 19
minus 13
plus 81
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 97
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