Am feeling slightly unwell.
May be something to do with consuming a victoria sponge, a chocolate and coca cola cake and a tomato soup cake. If that wasn't bad enough here's the recipe, as promised, for the chocolate and mayonnaise cake. (Thanks to Rona)
Oh - and it's in American measurements. I appear to have had trouble with my cup sizes. Apparently it's a common trait in most men.
Chocolate Mayonnaise cake
A chocolate mayonnaise cake, made with mayonnaise in place of eggs and oil.
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1/2 cup cocoa
* 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup sugar
* 3/4 cup mayonnaise
* 1 cup water
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
Preparation:
Sift together the flour, cocoa, soda and salt. Cream together the sugar, mayonnaise, water and vanilla. Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture; stir until well blended. Pour batter into greased and floured layer cake pans (or a 9- x 13-inch pan). Bake at 350°F. for about 25
minutes.
Enjoy?!
So here's the joke ...
A man sits at a cafe, enjoying an after work aperitif, when a gorgeous young woman walks in. He cannot take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks directly toward him. Before he can apologize for staring, the woman says, "I will do anything for you, absolutely anything, for just £100. There's only one condition."
"What's that?" asks the flabbergasted man.
The woman says: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket and slowly counts out five twenty pound notes, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into her eyes as he says ....
"Paint my house."
======================
Mental Maths today left everyone going round in circles. A little bit sneaky I know but I think you all enjoyed it. Here's what happened.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 97
take off 8
minus 12
subtract 15
take off 6
subtract 8
take off 19
minus 13
plus 81
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 97
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Tomato Soup Cake
I know, I know.
The words tomato, soup and cake should never be in the same sentence let alone the same tin. But in the interests of science I have made one. Granted I've yet to try it and there appears to be some sort of 'issue' with the frosting but it does look vaguely like a cake should.
It is quite heavy though and I have had to go on a manual handling course in order to lift it from the oven to the stand. It appears I mistook a mug for a cup and so I have made a whopper.
So here's the recipe.
Tomato Soup Cake
Serves: 8
Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 60 mins
INGREDIENTS:
Cake mix
Half a cup margarine
1 cup sugar
1 small tin tomato soup
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 cups plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
Half tsp ground cloves
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 cup raisins
1 cup chopped walnuts
Frosting (optional)
1 tub cream cheese
1 tblsp melted butter
1 tsp vanilla essence
icing sugar
METHOD:
Blend the margarine with the sugar using an electric mixer or a wooden spoon, until soft.
Add the tomato soup into which the bicarbonate of soda has been stirred. Next, sift the dry ingredients (excluding the nuts and fruit) and add to the mixture.
Now stir in the raisins and nuts. When it has been mixed thoroughly, pour the mixture into a greased and lined baking tin. Bake in a moderate oven (350F) for 50-60 minutes.
FROSTING (optional)
Beat one tub of cream cheese and add one tablespoon of melted butter and one teaspoon of vanilla essence. Add enough icing sugar to make a spreadable consistency. Decorate the top of the cake.
The words tomato, soup and cake should never be in the same sentence let alone the same tin. But in the interests of science I have made one. Granted I've yet to try it and there appears to be some sort of 'issue' with the frosting but it does look vaguely like a cake should.
It is quite heavy though and I have had to go on a manual handling course in order to lift it from the oven to the stand. It appears I mistook a mug for a cup and so I have made a whopper.
So here's the recipe.
Tomato Soup Cake
Serves: 8
Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 60 mins
INGREDIENTS:
Cake mix
Half a cup margarine
1 cup sugar
1 small tin tomato soup
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 cups plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
Half tsp ground cloves
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 cup raisins
1 cup chopped walnuts
Frosting (optional)
1 tub cream cheese
1 tblsp melted butter
1 tsp vanilla essence
icing sugar
METHOD:
Blend the margarine with the sugar using an electric mixer or a wooden spoon, until soft.
Add the tomato soup into which the bicarbonate of soda has been stirred. Next, sift the dry ingredients (excluding the nuts and fruit) and add to the mixture.
Now stir in the raisins and nuts. When it has been mixed thoroughly, pour the mixture into a greased and lined baking tin. Bake in a moderate oven (350F) for 50-60 minutes.
FROSTING (optional)
Beat one tub of cream cheese and add one tablespoon of melted butter and one teaspoon of vanilla essence. Add enough icing sugar to make a spreadable consistency. Decorate the top of the cake.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
More of a whimper than a bang ...
I must admit I did slightly squint for a moment at around about 8.30am when the world was supposed to have ended. Shoddy time keeping by the world's leading scientists meant I did look like I was about to sneeze for a good 4 or 5 minutes.
Just thought if the world was going to end when they switched on their proton collider thingy (I gave up science early) it might smart a bit and somehow by squinting it would lessen the effect. (Note: I do it a lot - the whole something's about to hurt so squint a bit - it's kind of my natural anaesthetic - particularly for the removal of plasters).
Anyway turns out the world didn't end and more to the point turns out they weren't even doing the colliding stuff just sending a few protons round the block as a bit of a warm up. The real thing isn't happening until October.
More sleepless nights.
Perhaps I'll combine the End of the World Part II with the removal of a plaster.
So here's the joke ...
Doris was a little tinker. Young beyond her years she goes to live in an old people's home.
It all seems a little boring so she decides to liven things up. Doris proceeds to run up and down the halls in the nursing home. As she goes, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says "Supersex...".
There'd she go - up and down the corridors flipping her hem - "Superersex, supersex, supersex ...."
She walks up to an elderly man in a comfy day chair flipping her gown at him.
"Supersex, " she says ...
The old man sits there silently for a moment or two lost deep in thought ..... Finally he replies ....
"I think I'll take the soup ...."
================================
Mental Maths and a bumper batch of homework handed in. The window cleaners of Gosport and Lymington are slugging it out. New rival carpet fitters and posties have joined the fray.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9
times 4
divide by 3
times 4
plus 23
take off 11
divided by 5
double it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 24
Just thought if the world was going to end when they switched on their proton collider thingy (I gave up science early) it might smart a bit and somehow by squinting it would lessen the effect. (Note: I do it a lot - the whole something's about to hurt so squint a bit - it's kind of my natural anaesthetic - particularly for the removal of plasters).
Anyway turns out the world didn't end and more to the point turns out they weren't even doing the colliding stuff just sending a few protons round the block as a bit of a warm up. The real thing isn't happening until October.
More sleepless nights.
Perhaps I'll combine the End of the World Part II with the removal of a plaster.
So here's the joke ...
Doris was a little tinker. Young beyond her years she goes to live in an old people's home.
It all seems a little boring so she decides to liven things up. Doris proceeds to run up and down the halls in the nursing home. As she goes, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says "Supersex...".
There'd she go - up and down the corridors flipping her hem - "Superersex, supersex, supersex ...."
She walks up to an elderly man in a comfy day chair flipping her gown at him.
"Supersex, " she says ...
The old man sits there silently for a moment or two lost deep in thought ..... Finally he replies ....
"I think I'll take the soup ...."
================================
Mental Maths and a bumper batch of homework handed in. The window cleaners of Gosport and Lymington are slugging it out. New rival carpet fitters and posties have joined the fray.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9
times 4
divide by 3
times 4
plus 23
take off 11
divided by 5
double it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 24
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
The simple things
All I'm going to say is ....
Picked up the ball on the halfway line, skipped past one, cutback past another, into the box - one more to beat, faked a left, went to the right - and curved it right to left on the outside of the boot.
Life went into slow motion, for an instant the world held it's breath, the keeper stayed put beguiled by the sheer sporting poetry of the moment as the spinning ball danced into the back of the net.
That was a moment.
That is living.
That, as Lee McKenzie would say, is whadi'mtalkinabooouuuutttt!
(The fact I missed another 4 or 5 absolute sitters and couldn't hit a barn door from 3 paces for the rest of the game and can't quite walk straight today .... well - that kind of spoiled the story).
So here's the joke ....
A husband and wife were sitting out on their back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim leaves a deposit squarely in the middle of the wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouts 'Quick, get some toilet paper.'
'It wouldn't do any good,' replies the husband. 'He's miles away by now.'
====================
Mental Maths time and I promised no fractions today. All fairly straight forward if you had your wits about you. It's just the big subtraction in the middle which threw a few.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 3
times 3
times 3
times 2
times 3
take off 74
divided by 11
times 3
halve it ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 12
Picked up the ball on the halfway line, skipped past one, cutback past another, into the box - one more to beat, faked a left, went to the right - and curved it right to left on the outside of the boot.
Life went into slow motion, for an instant the world held it's breath, the keeper stayed put beguiled by the sheer sporting poetry of the moment as the spinning ball danced into the back of the net.
That was a moment.
That is living.
That, as Lee McKenzie would say, is whadi'mtalkinabooouuuutttt!
(The fact I missed another 4 or 5 absolute sitters and couldn't hit a barn door from 3 paces for the rest of the game and can't quite walk straight today .... well - that kind of spoiled the story).
So here's the joke ....
A husband and wife were sitting out on their back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim leaves a deposit squarely in the middle of the wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouts 'Quick, get some toilet paper.'
'It wouldn't do any good,' replies the husband. 'He's miles away by now.'
====================
Mental Maths time and I promised no fractions today. All fairly straight forward if you had your wits about you. It's just the big subtraction in the middle which threw a few.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 3
times 3
times 3
times 2
times 3
take off 74
divided by 11
times 3
halve it ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 12
Monday, 8 September 2008
I blame the scientists
There I was - having a nice old life, everything bimbling along as it should and now I've been told the world is going to end on Wednesday. I am somewhat cross. Something to do with a bunch of scientists beneath Switzerland and France playing around with atoms and protons and things generally you should leave well alone.
Now I'd like to think I'm a big fan of progress - man's eternal quest for knowledge has brought us many breakthroughs saving countless lives and improving the quality of life for billions. But when there's a tiny ickle chance the next experiment may cause a black hole which would suck us all in, cause the sun to explode and end mankind and the very universe itself I would like to think someone, somewhere will be thinking "Can I just run through the numbers again?"
As my grandad used to say "Measure twice, cut once." In this case he probably would have approved of multiple measuring just to "make sure". Unlike 4x4x2 wood I hear a new galaxy is quite hard to come by. They don't do them at B&Q.
On the upside at least I won't have my mid life crisis.
Every cloud.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there was a wise man called Indian Chief Cheesecake. His was very fond of his desserts. He was a clever and kind man and much loved by his wife. But one stormy night - well into his twilight years - his time comes and he dies peacefully in his sleep.
The next day the villagers gather to discuss plans for his big send off. After much talking it's decided his wife should carry out the duties. All of a sudden one of the elders begins to laugh.
"Why do you laugh old man? Do you wish to disrespect our ancestors?"
"No," says the old man. "But I've just thought .... Squaw bury Cheesecake."
=========================
Mental Maths was really sneaky today. And great news Shifty and Daz in Gosport now have some rival window cleaners in Lymington. Will be keeping scores.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ... 1
divided by 2
times 4
divided by a half
halve that
take away 1
plus 9
times a quarter
take off a half
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 2
Now I'd like to think I'm a big fan of progress - man's eternal quest for knowledge has brought us many breakthroughs saving countless lives and improving the quality of life for billions. But when there's a tiny ickle chance the next experiment may cause a black hole which would suck us all in, cause the sun to explode and end mankind and the very universe itself I would like to think someone, somewhere will be thinking "Can I just run through the numbers again?"
As my grandad used to say "Measure twice, cut once." In this case he probably would have approved of multiple measuring just to "make sure". Unlike 4x4x2 wood I hear a new galaxy is quite hard to come by. They don't do them at B&Q.
On the upside at least I won't have my mid life crisis.
Every cloud.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there was a wise man called Indian Chief Cheesecake. His was very fond of his desserts. He was a clever and kind man and much loved by his wife. But one stormy night - well into his twilight years - his time comes and he dies peacefully in his sleep.
The next day the villagers gather to discuss plans for his big send off. After much talking it's decided his wife should carry out the duties. All of a sudden one of the elders begins to laugh.
"Why do you laugh old man? Do you wish to disrespect our ancestors?"
"No," says the old man. "But I've just thought .... Squaw bury Cheesecake."
=========================
Mental Maths was really sneaky today. And great news Shifty and Daz in Gosport now have some rival window cleaners in Lymington. Will be keeping scores.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ... 1
divided by 2
times 4
divided by a half
halve that
take away 1
plus 9
times a quarter
take off a half
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 2
Friday, 5 September 2008
I'm still a kid from the 70's
This Internet thing. It is quite good, isn't it?
Having grown up with ZX81's and wobbly ram packs, Commodore 64's and dodgy tape decks and of course ZX Spectrums I can't cease to wonder at the marvel of technology that is the World Wide Web. Now I'm sure that it is used daily by the world's top scientists in a bid to further mankind, cure all illnesses and improve our understanding of why we're all here but .... last night I played pictionary with someone in Denver?
How cool is that!?!??!
I was a bit bored kicking around the house so decided to, I believe they call it, "surf" the net. Find a site that lets you play pictionary online with other people around the world. It was so cool - you get your word, attempt to draw it and everyone else has a go a guessing. Then you join in the global guessing of some, let's be honest, quite shambolic doodling.
Turns out it's quite hard to draw an "oxygen mask" using a mouse but I gave it my best shot. Was more successful with "rain drop", "mountain goat", "green bean" and "railroad" (it's American - you'll have to forgive them).
Now all I need to find is an online version of Mousetrap and my life will be complete.
So here's the joke ...
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like his step-siblings rather than the more regular rabbit hop. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. So when day the little rabbit goes to its squirrel step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was simply ...
"Don't scurry be hoppy."
======================
A slightly sneaky Mental Maths today but it still caught a few of you out. Never altogther comfortable with the whole 17 & 18 thing. Here's the puzzle ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 17
add 18
plus 17
add on 18
plus 17
add 18
add 17
plus 18
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 140
Having grown up with ZX81's and wobbly ram packs, Commodore 64's and dodgy tape decks and of course ZX Spectrums I can't cease to wonder at the marvel of technology that is the World Wide Web. Now I'm sure that it is used daily by the world's top scientists in a bid to further mankind, cure all illnesses and improve our understanding of why we're all here but .... last night I played pictionary with someone in Denver?
How cool is that!?!??!
I was a bit bored kicking around the house so decided to, I believe they call it, "surf" the net. Find a site that lets you play pictionary online with other people around the world. It was so cool - you get your word, attempt to draw it and everyone else has a go a guessing. Then you join in the global guessing of some, let's be honest, quite shambolic doodling.
Turns out it's quite hard to draw an "oxygen mask" using a mouse but I gave it my best shot. Was more successful with "rain drop", "mountain goat", "green bean" and "railroad" (it's American - you'll have to forgive them).
Now all I need to find is an online version of Mousetrap and my life will be complete.
So here's the joke ...
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like his step-siblings rather than the more regular rabbit hop. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. So when day the little rabbit goes to its squirrel step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was simply ...
"Don't scurry be hoppy."
======================
A slightly sneaky Mental Maths today but it still caught a few of you out. Never altogther comfortable with the whole 17 & 18 thing. Here's the puzzle ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 17
add 18
plus 17
add on 18
plus 17
add 18
add 17
plus 18
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 140
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Decisions, decisions, decisions
OK - here's the dilemma.
Do I ...
a) Buy a VW campervan - found a beauty ex German police tintop needs a respray but solid as a rock. At the moment it's very orange but new wheels and new paint and it would look fantastic.
b) Do up my bathroom - original intention of funds was to do bathroom following kitchen. Bathroom alrightish at the moment but could do with a tart up.
c) Move house - seen a place for sale with a proper garden that I can't just about afford if I'm good and never drink or eat out again (am ignoring any alleged credit crunch)
I can only do one - but which one. Any help appreciated. Decisions, decisions, decisions ....
Answers of a postcard to ....
So here's the joke ...
A man, preparing for what could be a lengthy divorce case, is researching potential costs. He walks into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty pounds for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question."
======================
Mental Maths time and a bumper attendance in class today. Just a shame I had to hand out so many detentions. See you tomorrow at 11.15am sharp.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 2
double it
times itself
take off 2
double it
double that
take off 7
double it
double that
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER - 196
Do I ...
a) Buy a VW campervan - found a beauty ex German police tintop needs a respray but solid as a rock. At the moment it's very orange but new wheels and new paint and it would look fantastic.
b) Do up my bathroom - original intention of funds was to do bathroom following kitchen. Bathroom alrightish at the moment but could do with a tart up.
c) Move house - seen a place for sale with a proper garden that I can't just about afford if I'm good and never drink or eat out again (am ignoring any alleged credit crunch)
I can only do one - but which one. Any help appreciated. Decisions, decisions, decisions ....
Answers of a postcard to ....
So here's the joke ...
A man, preparing for what could be a lengthy divorce case, is researching potential costs. He walks into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty pounds for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question."
======================
Mental Maths time and a bumper attendance in class today. Just a shame I had to hand out so many detentions. See you tomorrow at 11.15am sharp.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 2
double it
times itself
take off 2
double it
double that
take off 7
double it
double that
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER - 196
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