Friday, 24 October 2008

On a mission

If I do nothing else this weekend I have to sort out the central heating. As previously mentioned now being in my mid to late thirties it's time for me to worry about such things as insulation. Have bought the necessary equipment to venture down into the cellar however so far the motivation to do it has not been forthcoming.

So this evening, I know it's a Friday, I Jon Cuthill will be playing with my pipes. It's a truly sad state of affairs that it's come to this. Fridays should be fun. At no point should the words central, heating, pipes or lagging feature in anybody's Friday. But tonight is the night.

Rest of the weekend looks like a spot of surfing (haven't checked forecast yet but there might be a bit about if the wind picks up), I think I'm going bowling (am rubbish but haven't been for years so may have unwittingly developed skill) and am working Saturday night with a group of ghost watchers. Can't say I believe I'm going to see anything but they seem like a fun lot so should be a giggle. Apparently everyone's taking cake.

Which is a good start.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday.

So here's the joke ...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies,' he responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

"Well ..., " he replies, " 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Mental Maths (with a Friday twist). Wasn't so much the maths today that was the problem so much as working out what the actual numbers were. Still - lots of right answers ....


A bakers dozen
plus a brace
add a score
take off the value of the green ball in snooker
divide by the number of turtle doves (12 days of xmas)
add in cockney terms a pony
add a a quarter of a century ...


Thursday, 23 October 2008

Where is the love?

This morning really reminded me of skiing.

Saying that I've never tried it. I'm a snowboarder and from day one as a boarder you're taught to be naturally suspicious of skiers. It may be the pastel all in one jumpsuits, it could be the head bands, it may even be the way they do a silly little jump turn as they plant a pole with their knees together and their bum sticking out.

Anyway whatever it is it's best to leave them well alone.

Today the cyclists and the motorists got stuck into each other over who was more of a menace on the roads. The pedal pushers claimed the drivers were giving them no respect, that they were being pushed off the road and that they're all inconsiderate and forget once they were on a pushbike too. The drivers were shouting back lights would be good at night, that red lights mean stop even for bikers and that they should get off the pavements.

I got the feeling they're never going to like each other but they may just one day learn to tolerate each other.

Why not one day everyone swap? All the motorists get on a bike. All the cyclists take a car.

I doubt it would solve anything but it would be bloody good fun and I bet a lot quicker to get into work.

So here's the joke ...

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.

"A talking dog!!!"

I went soft on you today for Mental Maths but well done if you got a gold star. Even if you're fairly sure it takes nerves of steel to hand it in. Tomorrow comes the twist. Enjoy today.


times 9
take off 8
minus 7
add 6
add 5
add 4
divided 3
divided by 2


Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Bad timing

Timing has never been my strength. In fact thinking about it timing, or a lack of it, has often proved my downfall.

Today is a classic example. The lovely Kate Humble is due in (with Bill Oddie) to talk all things Autumn Watch. The sofa has been moved to Brownsea Island this time round so brace yourself for endless pictures of badgers, flappy things (birds I believe) and anything that dare move and/or look slightly alive.

Anyway - have never met her - but there are some people in life who you just think would be lovely if you ever did meet them. Kate Humble being a fine example. She seems to be the perfect girl to sit and watch a badger with - and to be fair - there aren't many people you can say that about.

The upshot of it is that just as I go she's due in and so like ships of the night we will never meet.

Mind you so far at no point in my life have I had the slightest inclination to sit in the dark on a damp patch of grass watching a fairly small, grey, slightly odd looking hairy thing.

But enough about Bill Oddie.

So here's the joke ...

Shakespeare has had a really hard day at the office. Not only was he trying to get over a small bout of writers block but his new secretary had just advised him she was pregnant and he knew that finding a temp was going to be time consuming and expensive.

As he left the office he should really have gone straight back to his wife, as they had friends coming for dinner, but he needed some down time.

So, to unwind, he drops into his local tavern on his way home. He walks quickly up the bar and says "A jar of your finest mead, please, bartender".

But the Inn Keeper replies "Get out. You're bard."

Mental Maths time and back to a more straight forward sum for you today. Lots of you liked the twist yesterday so get ready for more of that to come. First though here's today's.

Time for Mental Maths - proving the South can still add up without using a calculator or pen and paper ....


add 38
divided by 5
times 4
subtract 17
add 6
take off 21
treble it
and give me 20 percent of that ....


Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Warning: boring entry do not read

To be fair even Keith Richards must have the odd day when life doesn't quite seem too rock'n'roll.

Surely he can't always be driving a Rolls Royce into the hotel swimming pool. Occasionally he must actually want to watch tv instead of throwing it out of the window. (Mind you if Anne Robinson is on he may have a point.)

Anyway I feel I need to apologise for today's entry as I am about to bore you rigid with a story about lagging and central heating pipes. Please feel free to go back to Google and type "there must be something more interesting than that" into the search engine.

The fact of the matter is that it is now officially mid winter(ish). The central heating is now burning hotter than the sun in a hopeless bid to bring the temperature of my draughty old house above freezing. And I hear that gas is getting rather pricey these days.

For the past 5 years my central heating appears to have been heating the basement more efficiently that the house. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought heat always rises? Apparently not - apparently heat always rises unless it's in Jon's cellar in which case it will stay there until the summer. I've actually seen mice taking tiny towels down to the basement for their daily sauna - sat next to the thimble of water just in case it gets too hot which is probably will.

Sorry rodents - but you've had your last hot tub. For tonight I am off to buy lagging. This evening I will be lagging anything that looks remotely like a pipe.

Duck tape and insulation - that's all you need for one crazy night in.

Move over Keith.

So here's the joke ...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really cross. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and finds .... a set of bathroom scales. Bob hasn't been seen since.

Mental Maths and here's the twist. Weirdly it was the texters who struggled today. Apparently it was the months that caught everyone out.


a dozen
times the number of days in a week
take off half a century
halve that
take away number of months beginning with J
add the number of letters in the alphabet
In Roman Terms take off X
double that
take off the value of a green ball in snooker .....


Monday, 20 October 2008

Feeling a little horse ....

No need to call the animal welfare authorities - just a simple typo.

Horse as in hoarse as in sore throat. Now I don't want to start sounding like a pathetic man all of a sudden (no change there) but this tonsillitis (self diagnosed - I have internet access) is really starting to get a big boring. It's stopping me from doing my two favourite things - talking and eating.

Everyday I wake up hoping that today will be the day I can sing Pavarotti and eat crusty bread only to find my hopes dashed. At this point I have to confess I have never had a huge urge to sing Pavarotti and/or eat crusty bread - but just in case - I'd like the option to be there.

In the meantime it's back to humming and ice cream - which to be fair isn't all that bad.

Still at least the later starts now mean a bit of a lie in. It all feels a little bid odd at the moment - just like the day after the clocks change - which incidentally they must do soon.

Now that's going to feel really weird.

So here's the joke (which I forgot to do ....)

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut.

All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details.

A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son.

"Landisbanki? What do you think I am - stupid?!"

Mental Maths and the supply teacher has been hard at work with this one. Most people got it spot on but there were a few miscounts along the way. Tomorrow's MM is slightly different so you'll need to be on your toes ....


Minus 50
Minus 10
Multiply by 2
Three quarters of that
Third of that
Half of that
A tenth of that
add 9
multiply by 10


Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Read letter day

It's just occurred to me I haven't actually written anything for ages.

Yes I dribble on with this blog everyday but it's not proper writing. Proper writing involves a pen, paper, an envelope and an address. When was the last time you actually wrote a handwritten letter to someone?

I don't think we do it enough. It's all emails, texts and msn messenger. There's something very special about getting a personal letter that someone has taken the time to write you (unless it's in crayon - and then you just worry and/or call the police.)

So today my challenge to everyone is to write one handwritten letter to someone. Perhaps someone you haven't spoken to for years or perhaps someone who you've just spoken to just a moment ago. Anyone - but you have to write it by hand.

I reckon it would make their day.

So here's the joke ...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not?" she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Mental Maths time and controversy reigned supreme with this one. If you turn a six upside down what does it become?


plus 18
add 29
halve it
divided by 7
times 9
take off 27
divided by 3
turn it upside down


Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Just say yes ...

It's a whole lot easier. Just say yes.

Don't say no. Don't say it won't work. Don't say but surely .... Don't say anything - just say yes.

I'm going to try it. It may not work but life could be easier, won't it?

(Answer is yes, obviously)

So here's the joke ...

Once upon a time God decides the world needs another flood. He gets on the phone to Noah and advises that he and his family prepare themselves.

"Same as last time? Usual ark?" asks Noah.

"No," replies God. "Not the usual one - I want you to design me a really tall ark with lots of decks."

"Oh - ok, fair enough," says Noah. "Two by two - same as last time?"

"Nope," replies God. "Can you fill it purely with fish this time - carp I think."

And so Noah builds a very tall ark and fills it with the requested type of fish - of every size shape and colour. Good to His word the rains come and the great flood washes over the earth. After weeks afloat the waters subside and Noah, his family and his fish survive.

"One thing I have to know, God" says Noah. "What was the fish thing all about?"

"Oh," says God. "I just fancied a multi storey carp ark."

Mental Maths times and this was a good 'un. No idea why but it seemed to get a lot of both right and wrong answers. If you got it wrong here's what happened.


add 6
divided 7
times 9
take away 15
divided by 8
square it
take off 17
minus 8