Friday, 30 May 2008

Countdown meltdown

The more observant of you will have noticed the Countdown to Mid Life Crisis-o-Meter is now sub 1000 days.

Technically I know there's no huge difference between 1000 days and 999 days but it does all now seem alarmingly close.

A lot closer than say, yesterday, for example.

Have decided I need to fully prepare for my MLC (Mid Life Crisis). Am giving some serious thought to investing in pairs of poorly fitting jeans that hang half way up my stomach, several pairs of cowboy boots and some aviator sunglasses. I also need to start drinking real ale in a bid to gain an MLP (Mid Life Paunch)

Another thing I need to start doing is making strange noises whenever I bend down to pick anything up. Sort of a cross between a sigh and a grunt.

I intend to embrace middle age wholeheartedly.

If only for the beige corduroy.

So here's the joke ...

A dog is sitting in a cinema with it's owner. The dog stares at the screen intently and growls whenever the villain appears and wags it's tail whenever the hero comes on. An old lady has been watching the dog's behaviour. She turns to it's owner and says ...

"That's quite extraordinary ...."

"You're right," says the owner.

"He hated the book."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 29 May 2008

And still they come ...

It's day 2 for applications for the Jon Cuthill Show Rounders Team.

Emails are coming in thick and fast from prospective candidates responding to my initial request for anyone who can swing and knows how to handle balls.

Here are some of the responses ....

"Love rounders and think I match that criteria ...(?!?!) - Julie Massiter, drive producer

"Played rounders for Lancashire until I was 17. I am a genius short catcher. Never dropped a catch in my life. Ever. Not a bad bowler and If I get bat on ball watch that puppy fly my friend!" - Talia Slack, breakfast producer.

"I am up for it - I could score if nothing else!!!" - Charlie Crocker, afternoon presenter.

"Yup, but I guarantee that when I am batting I will hit the ball miles, but someone will be standing underneath it and I'll be caught out first ball, and then when we are fielding I will have one catch to make in the entire match and I will drop it." - Ed Sherry, breakfast producer.

"I'm up for it" - Victoria Bartlett, afternoon producer

Now I know a bad workman has a habit of blaming his tools but with the tools I've been given there are only so miracles I can perform.

However ....

We shall be victorious ...
We will win ...
And all of us indeed hope that Charlie does manage to score.
And more to the point gets a run ...

Young Farmers of Hampshire start running now ....

So here's the joke ...

A couple send their everso slightly dim son to a special tutor to help him catch up on his schoolwork.

After a month they ask for a progress report.

'He's getting straight As' says the tutor.

'That's fantastic' say the parents.

'Yes, they're great' says the tutor. 'But his B's are still a bit wonky .....'
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

And now more sport ...

Who needs Euro 2008 when you have the weekend of sporting delights I have just witnessed?

I say weekend - to be more factually correct it was indeed a Super Sporting Sunday. First off congratulations again to Matty for his epic 10k race. We've been building up to the race on the show for the past 10 weeks and we all went down to Ropley on Sunday morning to cheer him on.

It was just brilliant to see him complete the race. Check out his blog for the film we made of him running the race of his life.

It was a truly great moment on a grey old Sunday morning.

And then come the afternoon it was off to Brown Candover for the annual cricket match between the village and BBC South. The sun came out, I dropped a couple of catches - although in such an athletic manner no-one seemed to mind - and then had a bat and hit a boundary for the winning runs. Doesn't get any better than that. As for the tea - always first class.

Anyway the upshot of it is one of the opposition asked me, due to my "unique" batting style if I played baseball. Mentioned it on the radio this morning and we have been challenged by a bunch of Hampshire Young Farmers to a game of rounders.

Have just started recruiting players for the Solent All Star Swingers (not entirely sure if we can get away with a name like that).

So far no-one has noticed.

So here's the joke ...

A man finds an odd-looking bottle and rubs it. Much to his surprise, a genie appears. 'for releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes' says the genie. 'but there's a catch. For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you ask for.' First the man wishes for a Ferrari. Poof! A Ferrari appears in front of him. 'now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris' says the genie. 'what is your next wish?' 'I could really use a million pounds,' replies the man. Poof! One million pounds appears at his feet. 'now every lawyer in the world is two million pounds richer,' the genie reminds him. 'what is your third wish?'...

"well," says the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney ...."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 23 May 2008

That Fresh Friday Feeling

Can't believe it's nearly June.

How did that happen? And another Bank Holiday weekend!

Have somehow managed to wangle a couple of days off next week so I've got a 4 day break from today. However due to lack of planning and/or understanding the female mind I appear to be in more hot water.

Had already said yes to playing cricket and turning out for Matt's race on Sunday without checking with the walking, talking personal organisor. Apparently 4 years ago or thereabouts discussions had taken place, on a Tuesday, about going away this weekend.

Being a man I made a mental note, grunted and nodded.

And then promptly forgot.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on which side of the fence you're sitting, I think rain may stop play cricketwise on Sunday afternoon at Brown Candover. Am confident Matt will whizz round the 10k course so it'll be an early bath and I'll be off the hook. No idea what I'll end up doing - camping was mentioned. Surfing too. Mildly concerned as I haven't looked at the tent since the Brownsea Island escapades of last year.

Probably got a squirrel in it.

Have a great Bank Holiday - back on air on Wednesday. Go Matt, go!!!

So here's the joke ...

Phil and Dave went for a game of golf one Saturday afternoon, but Phil was under strict instructions from his wife to be back by four o'clock because she wanted him to take her shopping.

Four passed, then five, and six. Eventually, Phil arrived home around seven. "WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN?" she screamed.

"Honey, a terrible thing happened. We made it to the first green when Dave dropped dead."
Feeling guilty, the wife said, "that's awful."

"You're telling me," Phil says.

"The rest of the round it was hit the ball, drag Dave, hit the ball, drag dave..."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Tea for two

How could I be so stupid?!

I've just fallen for it again. I can't believe how dumb I am sometimes. And after all my good work yesterday.

I'd better explain.

Everyone knows that an office thrives on it's coffee and teas. And everyone knows that making the tea can be a bit of a pain unless you're having a really bad day and you need a screen break. Anyway to liven things up we play a game between everyone on the show which basically boils down to making someway say either tea or coffee by mistake at which point everyone shouts yes please and hands them their cup or mug.

Yesterday I got Lewis a corker. As veterans of the game we're usually all on full alert for cheap shots such as "What's the name of that peg you put your golf balls on?" or "How do you spell transmitter?". Obviously you need to do a bit of acting - with the spelling ones you have tobe typing whilst looking at your PC screen with an inline of "Is it double m?"

All of us are supercompetitive and so when someone throws out a question we all yell out the answer which opens us all up to the next round of teas or coffees.

Yesterday I began with a serious sounding question about whether it would make an interesting piece on the radio about the various cuts of meat. Both Al and Lewis piped up with various responses clearly having taken the bait. With guards down my next question was whether people in the street could name the different cuts - I threw in a lamb shank as an example.

More talk, and no suspiscious looks.

With them both oblivious to the trap I asked the master question - "How many steaks are there."

Step forward Lewis "Competitive" Coombes who piles in with T-bone and the cry goes up and the mugs are raised.

Anyway - that was then - this is now and Newman has just got me a beauty with a hoax about a supermarket bringing out an item of clothing for 6p. Could we guess it? What could it be - Scarf? Gloves? Hanky? Hat?

As the words left my mouth I knew it was too late ....

"T- shirt?"

"Yes please!!!!!"

So here's the joke ...

Through the pitch black night, a navy captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

The reply came back:

"And I'm a lighthouse, it's your call"
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Crisis management

I've so got to knuckle down and sort my life out.

It's just so typical me and yet I'm always surprised at just how bad I let it get.

I find I work best to deadlines however I always, without fail, end up leaving everything to the last minute. I should imagine that's how I entered the world and no doubt it will be the style I leave it in.

I'll jump in my coffin just as it shuts.

Usually my chosen method of chaos management is fine. You only get one deadline at a time and everything can be sorted out in time. Sometimes though you'll get what I should imagine in high powered management circles they'd called "Deadline Stacking". It's when all of a sudden, completely out of the blue, everything has to be done.

Now of course it could be argued that with a bit of planning I'd have seen it coming and that no deadline if you're told about it comes "out of the blue". However, that aside, I find myself staring at a seemingly impossible mountain to climb that needs to be climbed yesterday.

So what to do?

Am going down the pub to think about it.

Never missed a deadline yet.

So here's the joke ...

Three tortoises went on a picnic. It took them ages to crawl to a suitable spot and when they eventually got there, they realised that they had forgotten the chocolate biscuits. The two older tortoises turned to the youngest and said: "Will you pop home and fetch the biscuits?"

"Why me?" he asked.

"Because you've got younger legs."

After much persuasion, he relented, but only on the condition that they didn't start drinking the ice cold lemonade until he returned.

"We promise not to touch a drop," they said.

So the young tortoise set off on the crawl home. Well, after three hours, the other two were gasping for a drink so they took the bottle of ice cold lemonade out of the picnic basket.

As they did so a little head peered round a nearby rock and said: "If you do, I won't go!"
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Ever played World Cup?

Very nearly ended up doing something I haven't done for years last night.

World Cup.

Remember playing that? It's the game you play at school or down the park with your football mates when not quite enough people have turned up for a proper game. Works best with an odd number - the odd number is the official goalie and then either as individuals or pairs you try to score to go through to the next round. If you're a World Cup veteran then the "you can only score with a volley or a header rule" also applies.

So there I was in Romsey last night for the regular exhibition of high quality football. Last week there was a solid 7 a side turnout. This week just 7.

Was midly concerned we were missing something - there was a moment when we all stood around wandering what we'd forgotten about on TV etc. Everyone convinced themselves the Chelsea vs Man United game was definately on Wednesday and that no, it wasn't a Bank Holiday.

The goal posts were moved a little closer.

The uneven teams were hand picked. ("Er how about you lot versus us lot?" - the Sven model)

The additional team-with-the-most-players-can-only-have-2-touches rule instigated and away we went. And it was bloomin' marvellous.

All of us wanting to win but all of us too polite just to bang one in from 30 yards as that would go against the spirit of the (very polite) game.

Better than 11-a-side anyday.

So here's the joke ...

A young man went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realised he had forgotten his swimming trunks. Since nobody was about, he decided to jump in naked.

An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching. He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at him, he felt decidedly awkward.

One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."

The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking do you?"

"Yes," she said, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 19 May 2008

Operation Big Hands

For the past week or so if you'd been really observant you might have noticed a lot of hushed conversations in corridors and studios throughout the building.

The week before last Little Graham (engineer) let slip that Big Malc (slightly larger engineer) was hitting a big-0 this weekend. Now ask anyone who works at a radio station and they'll tell you that the only thing keeping everyone going (apart from the coffee) are the engineers.

At BBC Radio Solent we love ours - they are the most patient, forgiving, hard working people I know. These are people who can still raise a smile whilst explaining for the 8th time exactly why it was you'd succeeded on switching off the transmitter. These are the people who will replace faders without resorting to physical violence when another cup of coffee is spilled. These are the people who keep the station air with only a piece of string, a bit of sticky tape and a lot of know how.

So there we were - all hiding downstairs with our fake Malcolm beards stuck on with sellotape. Everyone had brought in a bowl or a dish of something and even Producer Lewis and Big Col (IT guru) had a go a providing birthday cakes.

Drivetime's Julie Massiter was given the task of, for want of a better phrase, lying to Big Malc to get him downstairs where we all jumped out.
The look on his face was priceless.
Of course he'll never trust us again but it was worth it. Happy Birthday Malc.
You don't look 60.
So here's the joke ...
After England are drawn to play Scotland (or any other team) in the Euro 2000 play offs, manager Kevin Keegan and the team are chatting in the dressing room before the match.

"Look guys, I know they're rubbish" says Keegan "but we have to play them to keep UEFA happy."

"Tell you what" says Michael Owen. "You guys go down the pub and I'll play Scotland on my own."

So Keegan and the rest of the team go off to the pub for a drink. Later, Keegan turns on the telly and sees the score is 1 nil to England. Happy, he returns to his pint and a game of darts. When the team return to the hotel later, Keegan is horrified to see the final score was 1-1.

The team all run back to the dressing room...
"What went wrong?" says Keegan ...
"I got sent off in the 11th minute."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 15 May 2008

Go West young(ish) man

Bristol here I come!

Don't get excited it's only for tomorrow - am attending a training day with my fellow mid morning radio presenters across the country. Should be good - it's always fun to find out how other people do it so to speak.

It's billed as a chance to talkthrough shows and exchange radio ideas. However it invariably leads to a day of everyone nicking each other's best bits on the basis that at least one person is brave enough/stupid enough to share theirs.

(Mental note to self and any passing MP's - don't type it out and then parade ideas in public in a clear folder)

Anyway expect a raft of new features from Monday!

Still slightly confused about this business of letters on phone buttons. Proper office and home phones I'm talking about. Look at yours and see where all the letters are.

a) what's the point of them anyway?
b) why are there no letters on the number 1? What's everyone got against it?

Various explainations have come in about the way telephone exchanges worked and the fact the number 1 was the operators number but I'm sure there's more to it ...

Anyway - look after TP tomorrow - he's doing Friday's show - and I'll see you next week.

Have a great (if slightly early) weekend.


PS Now I've found out it's so easy to put photo's up will attempt a few more for you.

So here's the joke ...

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the M27.

A police officer pulls it over.

"What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.

"You are going 27mph on a motorway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver.

"You must go at least 30mph."

"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 27!" the driver replies.

"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Motorway 27! The 27 isn't the speed limit!"

The driver leans back in their seat and the cop sees a woman sitting in the passenger seat - She looked as pale as a ghost.

"What happened to her?" the officer asks.

"We've just come off the M275."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Spot the difference

Seem to remember I promised many blogs ago I'd stick up some pictures of my holiday in Rome.
Anyway was flicking through them trying to weed out the more embarrassing/compromising ones when all of a sudden I noticed this.

Now it may be purely down to watching too many episodes of the Bourne Identity and Mission Impossible but look carefully. There I am in Rome attempting to blend in. Everything seems to going well and then this picture is taken at the Spanish Steps.

Check out the man just over my left shoulder ...

Ever so slightly freaky, isn't it?

Next photo - he has completely vanished (this is the part where you do the high pitched do-do-do-do do-do-do-dooo tune).

Trained assassin or someone who wants to form a boy band?
You decide.
So here's the joke ...

A man was sitting alone in a restaurant, finishing his coffee and free after-dinner mints when he suddenly heard a voice say: "Wow! You look great tonight. I love that shirt."

The man looked round to see where the voice was coming from but the only other person in the room was a waiter, so he called him over.

"Excuse me," said the man. "Did you say something?"

"Not me, sir," replied the waiter.

A few minutes later the same thing happened again. This time the voice said "And your hair really suits you in that style. It makes you look years younger"

Once more, the man summoned the waiter. "Did you say something just then?" he inquired.

"No sir" replied the waiter. "Not a word."

"Well, that's twice I've heard a voice and you're the only other person in the room."
The waiter thought for a moment. "This voice, did it say nice things or rude things?"

"Nice things," said the man ......

'Well, that's it then,' said the waiter. "It's the mints - they're complimentary."
_ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Life's not a competition but I'm winning

It was National Test Your Blood Pressure Day today apparently.

Two lovely people from the Stroke Association have set up camp in the BBC restaurant/canteen with their blood pressure reading device and we're all getting a free test. After a five minute chat about diets and the like you're presented with a card with your blood pressure reading on.

For the record I am 125/78.

Somewhat inevitably however it has descended into a competition between everyone on the station to see who had the best reading. I don't like to boast but ....

Producer Lewis 134/85 (clearly taking it easy - needs to work harder)
Producer Alun 136/86 (must consume more salt to make Management levels)
Manager Helena 139/79 (had just come out of meeting)
Richard Latto 130/79 (just eaten chips)
Alison Leslie 128/82 (now working on the Chelsea Flower Show - no longer has the word "stress" in her vocabulary)

Why don't you get yours checked out soon - only takes a couple of minutes.

And why is it that everyone who works with me seems to have a higher blood pressure than I do?

Funny that.

So here's the joke ...

A sailor went to an auction and bid for a parrot. The sailor bid 50 pounds, but someone else bid 70 pounds. The sailor bid 90 pounds, but someone else bid 100 pounds. The sailor bid 120 pounds, but someone else bid 140.

The sailor was determined to buy the bird and put in a final bid of 200 pounds. This time there were no other bids and the parrot was sold to the sailor.

"That's a lot of money I've paid for this bird," said the sailor to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer, "who do you think's been bidding against you?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 12 May 2008

Get on yer bike ...

You're off the hook.

There I was thinking you'd have to sing the theme to The Good, The Bad and the Ugly whilst reading this but nope - feel free to consume in absolute silence (with a mildly disappointed tut when you get to today's punchline).

You see I was fairly sure I'd be walking like John Wayne this morning having hit the bike hard at the weekend. The result? A 40 mile New Forest jaunt interrupted only by two pubs (granted I visited one twice so technically it should be three - however it didn't seem as impressive when I wrote down three so I've changed it back to 2. Even the Tour De France wouldn't sound quite as good if it was revealed they all stopped off at every Little Chef or, I suppose, Petite Chef along the way).

Pub count for the weekend increases to 4 if I count the Happy Cheese in Ashurst. Ended up there on Saturday when I dragged my parents out for a walk when they visited from Dorchester at the weekend. Saying that I think it was more a case of them dragging me out for a walk but it was a beautiful day and - not wanting to sound soppy - as I get older I definately enjoying hanging out with them more. Have decided that - and this will come as a blow for any teenagers reading - parents are actually quite cool.

Cooked for them in my new kitchen. All seemed to go down well and they even handed over an Easter Egg from Simon (eldest brother) that they'd been holding hostage until I had invited them over. Haven't checked the Use by Date and have a slight suspicion that may be the reason it is still intact but the thought was all there.

As was, more surprisingly, the chocolate.

So here's the joke ...

Three men were waiting expectantly outside the labour ward of the city hospital. After a few minutes, a nurse came out to tell the first man....

"Congratulations! you are the father of twins ..."

"Twins!" he exclaimed " how about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company!"

Five minutes later, a nurse came out to tell the second man...

"Congratulations! You are the father of triplets."

"Triplets! what an amazing coincidence! I work for the 3M organisation!"

The third man stood up ashen-faced and muttered:

"I need some air. I work for 7 - up!!!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 9 May 2008

It's the little things ....

Despite previous promises I wouldn't constantly refer to my age for today's purposes I need to.

I'm 37.

And yet last night there I was in the park next to my house lobbing things at a tree inbetween crying with laughter.

It all began with an innocent game of frisbee or in this case aerobie (the frisbee equivalent to the polo mint ie nothing in the middle). A small quantity of red wine had been consumed, purely for aiming purposes, and great fun was being had by myself and my fellow chucker.

Final throw of the night (why does it always happen on the final throw of the night) and despite claims that her throw was caught by the wind (am fairly sure she's just cock-eyed) my beloved aerobie sails into aforementioned tree (not sure of species).

Now all boys know the immediate remedy is to find stuff to chuck at it in a bid to dislodge stuck item from tree. So first off up went the reasonably sized stick. And there it stayed. Next - after a trot back over the road to my house - came the ball (too small to prove effective) and the sponge cricket bat. Sponge bat launched skywards to frisbee - and that's where is stayed.

Back to the house this time returning with larger stick. Clearly the stick was not large enough as the first lob proved.

So - in the tree one frisbee, one reasonably sized stick, one sponge cricket bat and one larger stick.

Darkness was descending on St James' Park.

Back home I go - this time for the heavy artillery - a plank of 6 x 2 wood - the stuck frisbee equivalent of a Cruise Missile. Unfortunately it would appear a Cruise Missile generally speaking is easier to aim than a large plank. This may explain any passersby seeing a grown man diving out of the way of a floorboard falling at speed from a tree and lying on the floor looking skywards laughing so hard it hurt .... happy days.

Anyway to cut an already long story short I now once again am the owner of a frisbee, a sponge bat, a reasonably sized stick, a slightly larger one and a plank of wood.

Football anyone?

So here's the joke ...

A young woman had a terrible toothache but was reluctant to go to the dentist because she was so frightened of his drill. Eventually, however, she was in such discomfort that she decided to pluck up the courage.

"I'm really scared," she told the dentist as she entered the surgery. " I don't know which is worse - having a tooth filled or having a baby?"

"Well," said the dentist, "make your mind up before I adjust the chair .....
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 8 May 2008

The irony's not missed

It's official - I have entered into the realms of Myface or Spacebebo or Facespace or whatever it's called.

Well to be fair I actually haven't done a thing but apparently my moles tell me I'm on there. The Jon Cuthill Appreciation Page has been stuck up with a grand total of, as of first thing this morning, 6 glorious members.

How cool is that?!!? Almost enough for a game of footy and definately enough for a netball team (I see myself as Goal Attack).

The whole problem with the Facebook thing is the fact you can't help but count. That's why I've never subscribed. I mean a glorious 6 members does me fine but already my supportive producers have pointed out that other presenters have a lot more members on their pages.

Thousands in fact.

And do you know what? I don't really care. I feel it gives me a much more exclusive look - more of a cult than a club. Some of the nicest things in the world are small, hidden and hard to find - like that beach that only you and your friends know about or the tiny pub you'd discovered in the middle of nowhere but can't find again.

Or, as it turns out, my little page of FaceSpace.

So here's the joke ...

Two men were talking in a bar. One asked: "What are you going to get your wife for your twentieth wedding anniversary?"

"I was thinking about a trip to Australia," said the other "She'd love that."

"A trip to Australia?! That's mighty impressive. But how will you be able to top that for yor twenty-fifth anniversary?"

"I'm not sure - maybe I'll pay for her fare back.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 7 May 2008


Have decided I want to move house.

I live in part of a beautiful old house and I've been there for about 4 years now but have got itchy feet (fairly sure it's not Athlete's Foot). Granted my timing probably couldn't have been any worse if I'd tried (the much documented credit crunch and all) but I reckon a move could be on the cards this year.

Parking's turning into a bit of a nightmare and if I'm serious about getting the camper I need somewhere to put it.

Also there was a big old scrap near where I live the other night and by the time the third police unit rolled up at 2am and the dogs were unleashed the decision had been made.

The Clash may have asked the question - but I now have the answer.

So have been kind of looking around not very seriously on the off chance a new Cuthill Towers can be found. So far have found a funny round house by the river, half a town house and a roof top abode with far to many steps for after the pub.

Am beginning to realise I may have bought the world's most expensive surfboard on the basis that ...

a) I now want to live nearer the sea
b) I now need a new vehicle to transport it to the sea
c) I now need new place to house the new vehicle needed to transport it to the sea.

Should have bought a skateboard.

So here's the joke ...

A group of chess enthusiasts booked into a hotel and were standing in the reception discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said....

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Bank holiday update

Hope you had a good Bank Holiday break.

Isn't it always the way the day after the Bank Holiday the weather sorts itself out?! It's truly beautiful out there today - just sat outside for lunch - first time this year AND too early for pesky wasps.


Had a really lovely weekend. Went over to producer Al's for dinner where the girls passed out on the sofas whilst myself and Al played retro Space Invaders on his latest gadget. Looks like there was a miss spent youth there as I got absolutely thrashed and I don't think he was even trying.

Managed to fit a surf in down at Boscombe on Saturday - not quite the monster waves everyone was hoping for but good fun nonetheless and progress is slowing being made with another lesson. It is really starting to click.

And not just my bones.

You may have heard of my surf board crisis. Bought board without checking whether it fits in car - it doesn't. Won't go on roof so am currently trying to work out how I can take board to beach AND still be able to select second gear. It's proving tricky but am working on it.

And poor old Cherries. All I'm saying is that if it was purely down to the football played this season we would have stayed up. Sadly it's the business side that let us down this year and hopefully over the summer it can all be sorted so come August we've got a fighting chance of coming straight back up.

Bouncebackability - that's what they call it.

So here's the joke ...

A man spent 6 hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.

"Where have you been?" she demanded.

"I've been to this amazing bar," he slurs, rocking on his feet. "It's called the Golden Saloon and everything there is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden and even the toilets are golden."

"What rubbish," snapped the wife. "I don't believe a word of it."

"Here," said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper. "Ring this number if you don't believe me."

So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. "is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked.

"It is," replied the bartender.

"Tell me, " said the wife, "do you have two huge golden doors at the front of the building?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"And do you have golden floors?"


"What about golden urinals?"

There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender yell .....

"Hey Duke - I think I know what happened to your saxophone"
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 2 May 2008

My biggest regret

Well alright not quite my biggest regret but it's pretty high up there.

I used to be the proud owner of a 1965 splitscreen VW camper - my pride and joy. She was truly beautiful. Cream and navy blue, the original cooker and sink, barn doors and a wobbly old speedo that rarely saw 60mph.

I had to sell her after moving to a house without a garage. Couldn't bear to see her rust away so bit the bullet and let her go. I've been regretting it eversince.

So much so that I've just started looking for another. From a practical point of view I think I'll go for a type 2. Mind you from a practical point of view I still haven't actually got a garage and parking is pretty tight where I live.

Have already been sounded out the parents to see if any garage space is available down at Cuthill towers in Dorchester. Mum did sound vaguely keen however Dad will be less than keen if his pride and joy Morris Traveller gets slung out due to campervan arriving. Friends are also being pestered on the basis of they can borrow it for weekends out too.

Anyway if I find one (garage and van) then it'll be surf board on the top and mountain bike on the back and a summer of fun.

The search begins - will keep you posted.

Have great weekend

So here's the joke ...

A guy went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 1 May 2008

My body is a temple ...

Am having a bad day on the whole healthy eating/you are what you eat front.

It started badly this morning when I left home without any breakfast. I'd even got healthy stuff from the supermarket last night so I could make lunch. I didn't. As a result so far I have consumed ....

1 can coke and chocolate bar (breakfast from vending maching canteen wasn't open at 0700)
3 black coffees
2 digestives
2 fried eggs, 2 sausages, chips and tomato ketchup (lunch from canteen)
1 cup of tea
1 piece of chewing gum (still chewing)

Now - I'm no dietician but even I know that's not quite the required five a day.

Playing footy on Monday night I did notice that my tummy accelerates a fraction slower than the rest of me and that if I stop suddenly it comes as a slight surprise to it.

My salad dodging days are numbered.

As soon as I finish the chocolate bar.

So here's the joke ...

Two men are out fishing in a boat and having great luck. In fact, they catch so much they have to go back early.

'This is great,' says the first man. 'We should mark the spot so we can come here again.' 'You're right,' says the second man, who promptly dives over the side and paints a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat.

They head for land, but just as they are about to dock, the first man looks at the seconds and says ....

'What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?'
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website