Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Free swim (I wish it was)

Went to the gym last night - first time in ages.

I am what's known in fitness circles as pure profit. The money keeps coming - the member doesn't.

Anyhow was feeling sufficiently guilty about the outgoing on my bank statement - so a swim it was. Had a quick practice run through with my combination padlock (there was a previous unfortunate incident where I put my stuff in the locker and shut it only to realise I'd completely forgotton the combination.) Luckily though last night after a couple of turns it all came back to me and so off I went.

Couple of things of note. Firstly I found myself still rolling things up in my towel in exactly the same fashion as when I was 7.

Secondly, why does the smell and taste of chlorine give me an instant craving for cheese and onion crisps?

Am slightly disappointed the gym doesn't have one of those little foot pools you walk through full of old corn plasters and disinfectant so strong it can strip paint off a door. And no sign either of the notice informing patrons there'll be no ducking, diving, running or petting.

But why would anyone bring their rabbit swimming with them anyway?

So here's the joke ...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"You've left your injun running ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Back to school

It's happening.

It was always going to happen. I just didn't know where, when or how it would start but yesterday it definitely started.

I felt comfortable wearing corduroy.

I inadvertently dressed like a geography teacher.

Oh my god - I've started to dress like my dad!

Now before all you geography teachers/dads descend on my house with flaming torches and pitchforks ready to drive me out of town you can't deny there is a certain way you dress.
Firstly, and somewhat alarmingly, there is this certain liking for corduroy. Granted it's comfy and warm and strangely comforting but ... hold on - there I go again - I'm actually trying to sell you the idea!?!?! This is more serious than I thought ...

Then came the moss green shirt and stripy tie combo. Put it together with a pair of brown shoes and all I'm short of is a sports jacket with leather patches. I caught myself in the mirror giving myself the old "you're-looking-pretty-sharp-today" glance. I WAS WEARING CORDUROY!!!

It's all very worrying.

I'm actually finding myself going into shops now and finding nothing I'd wear due to the fact a) I don't want my pants on show b) I can't read what is says on the t-shirt and c) even if I could I probably wouldn't understand it.

Hush puppies here I come.

So here's the joke ...

Tonto goes missing and, after two days of searching, the Lone Ranger finds him lying on the ground with his ear firmly pressed to the floor.

"What happened?" says the Lone Ranger.

"White men came this way, on four horses, also have a stagecoach with a lady in the back. Third horse only wear three shoes," replies Tonto.

The Lone Ranger is impressed.

"Tonto I'm amazed. You can tell this from listening to the ground?"

"Nope - they ran me over 2 days ago."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 28 April 2008

You never can tell

This radio business is a funny old game.

Just came off air today feeling the show was a bit flat. No idea why - we had some lovely guests and callers but it just didn't seem to take off.

Spent a few minutes with Producer Al and Claudia scratching heads wondering why in the post show meeting. None of us could put a finger on it but we all felt exactly the same.

And then an email pops up from management saying they thought it was a great show!?

How does that work?

It reminded me of exams at school. Do you remember the ones you came out of with that sinking feeling? You'd fluffed it - it's all over - there's no way you've passed. Those exams always were the ones you got your best grades in.

But you never wanted to come out of an exam feeling that it was really easy either. If you felt like you'd sailed through is was invariably a sign you hadn't. Even worse was when you'd finished the exam half way through and packed up your pencil case only to notice the cleverest kid in class was still scribbling, looking worried and slightly sweaty.

I never could tell then and I obviously can't tell now.

Mind you I'm assuming they actually listened ...

So here's the joke ...

A man goes to the doctors suffering with continual flatulence. After a consultation the doctor asks him to take off his trousers and lie face down on the couch.

Then to the man's horror, the doctor produces a six foot pole with a sharp spike at one end.

"What on earth are you going to do with that?!!" enquires the man.

"Open the window."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 25 April 2008

The Great Escape?

Just looked at the clock and caught myself thinking we'll be halfway through the first half this time tomorrow.

For Cherries fans across the South this weekend will either enforce the belief we can still cling on to League One football next season or it will send us tumbling down another division. Not since the Great Escape of '95 have so many fans been forced into so much mental arithmetic with a league table.

It's going to be a day full of if's, but's and maybe's and although the hearts say they can do it even the die hard fans will be hard pressed to ignore the hardened facts. The turnaround has been terrific and noone can ask for more but when we're relying on results out of our hands the only thing that will keep us up is Lady Luck herself.

I buy my lottery ticket knowing full well that the odds are against me.

I pay my pound every week knowing I have only a one in fourteen million chance of winning the jackpot.

But I still buy my ticket.

Someone's got to win the jackpot.

Come on you Cherries!!!

So here's the joke ...

A man is taking part in a pub quiz. As a tie-breaker he has to name three fish that start with the letter 'K'. The man thinks for a moment and says, 'killer shark, kippered haddock and Kilmarnock.'

The question master says, ' What do you mean? Kilmarnock isn't a fish!'

The man replies ..... "Of course it is. It's a place."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 24 April 2008

Early finish cancelled

I don't believe it ...

Now either the boss has started to read my blog or word has got out. No sooner do I mention my planned early Friday finish than the email arrives this morning informing me of a Friday afternoon meeting.

Absolutely gutted.

There I was all set to bomb down to Boscombe to try out my beautiful new surf board and maybe even go for another lesson. Oh well - best laid plans and all that ...

Still I've managed to find an amazing distraction to my disappointment this afternoon. If you haven't already check out the link on my home page for the Shiptracker. It's brilliant isn't it?! I mean I'm not exactly what you'd call a ship spotter but even I can't fail to be impressed with it.

I wonder if I could apply to be included when I go for a surf?

If you see the Goodship Cuthill floating towards the Needles dial the Coastguard.

So here's the joke ...

A feminist gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man stands up to give her his seat.

"Patronising old fool," she mutters as she pushes him back down. A minute later, another woman gets on and the old man rises to his feet once again.

"Male chauvanist pig," curses the feminist as she pushes him back down again.

The bus stops again, another woman gets on and again the old man tries to stand up.

"You're living in the Stone Age," she shouts.

"For goodness sake," says the old man, "I've missed three stops let me get off!!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

New board arrives ... sort of


It's arrived! Or rather the small piece of card which tells me it tried to arrive arrived - and as I wasn't in it didn't. Arrive that is. Am off to pick up my new surf board this evening and I cannot wait. So excited. Also I've got a new leash and bag for the board. That - is very exciting news.

No really.

Next stage is to see if it will fit in my car.

This is where it may all start to fall apart as there's not much point having a surf board if you can't take it to the beach. There's only limited fun you can have in the bath with it. However having got an 8 foot Christmas tree in the blue peril (granted no roof) I'm sure it'll manage. I may look ridiculous but that is besides the point and wouldn't be the first or last time.

So here's the plan.

It's been a loooonng week this week so (and don't tell the boss) am thinking of sneaking off for a crafty surf after the show on Friday. Technically it's not sneaking off as have done the hours already but I'm one of those people who can't help but feel guilty. It's the same sort of feeling I get when I walk past a policeperson (can I say man in this PC crazed world?)

I know I haven't done anything naughty/illegal, I know I'd never think of doing anything but as soon as a policeman/woman/person appears I get an almost uncontrollable urge to whistle and look slightly shifty for no apparent reason.

Anyhow if you see a whistling surfer on a shiny new board on Friday afternoon down at Boscombe say hello - it's me.

Happy St George's Day.

So here's the joke ...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, ' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'

'Each morning, make him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely'.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

'What did the doctor say?'

And the woman answered ....

"You're going to die."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Daytime delivery

I think it was yesterday I told you I have bought myself a new surf board. It may prove to be one of those "run before you walk" moments but have decided the time, and the price, was right. Also the novelty of a new toy will force me to use it and thereby get better at surfing.

Anyway it comes with free delivery which is an absolute bonus as I should imagine under the new Royal Mail rules you'd need half an acre of stamps on the thing before it goes anywhere near a postbox.

But with any delivery, free or otherwise, comes the whole saga of timing.

Now if I was a gentleman of leisure I'd be wafting around in my smoking jacket all day long waiting for the doorbell to ring and the next delivery to be made. But unfortunately not being born into Royal Blood it would appear I have to work for a living which is a bit of a bind when you've got a package coming.

Granted the more organised would have checked delivery times and dates before clicking the final mouse button but being more of a free spirit (ie man) I decided to see what happens. So from today am on full alert and will be buttering up the neighbours to see if they wouldn't mind terribly having a package shaped a lot like an ironing board delivered to their doorstep.

It's either that or I wonder whether they could leave it under the flowerpot in the porch next to the spare key.

Life shouldn't be this complicated.

So here's the joke ....

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

'Sooner or later you're going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,' says the wife.

'What's wrong with the one we've got?' asks the husband.

'Nothing,' replies the wife, ' But mothers arms are getting tired.'
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 21 April 2008

Here's my new theory

I went surfing on Saturday.

Great fun - I'm fairly hopeless but am determined to improve and even bought myself a new board at the weekend. Whether it will actually fit in my current car is another question but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It may prove to be the world's most expensive surf board when I'm forced to buy another car to transport it to the beach. Perhaps I should have thought of that at the time.

Anyway had a lovely time down at Boscombe. Wet, windy and surprisingly not that cold in the water.

So there I am, early doors, not a soul around and spaces galore down at the seafront. Go to park and end up paying 7 quid for the pleasure. 7 quid?!! Now I appreciate it's a prime spot but it was a prime spot by an empty beach and I was only there for a couple of hours.

My theory is this - you should get an adjustment for the weather and/or number of people on the beach.

So for example it starts at the base rate of 7 quid. Rain is a couple of quid off. Wind is a further £1.50 reduction and general lack of anyone should get you a 50 percent reduction.

Therefore I should have paid - hold on have to work this out now (potentially a problem when paying for a ticket) - no more than £1.75 which I think is very reasonable.

What do you reckon? Granted the drop in income that this creates may mean the borough falls into disrepair, council tax shoots through the roof and general misery follows but at least I'll have enough money to buy a new car to take my new board to the beach.


So here's the joke ...

Three guys go for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews has no ears. He tells the first candidate "This job calls for observations, so I want you to make an observation about me."

The first guy says "You've got no ears."

The personnel officer is furious and promptly throws him out. The second man comes in and again is invited to make an observation.

"You've got no ears," he says.

The personnel officer goes crazy and throws the second man out. Then the final man comes in and he too is asked to make an observation.

"You must wear contact lenses," he says.

"Wow!" says the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"

"You've got no ears ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 18 April 2008

Where did Thursday go?

Have just realised I entirely forgot to say hello yesterday.

Well I say entirely forgot - perhaps that's not 100 percent true. You'll see a brand new blog feature on the right. Inspired by chatting to Mike Carter yesterday on the show I now have an accurate countdown to meltdown.

It's strangely hypnotic. Probably not for you - but definately for me.

Back out with the Britmilfit guys with Matt and Lewis last night. Fairly sure we got well and truly stitched up as strangley we were moved from the beginners group to the intermediates whilst Matt stayed in the Blues.

This was particularly strange as Matt has been going every week for what feels like months and is now fitter than he's ever been whilst the rest of us go once and we're promoted. And Producer Lewis now has a new nickname courtesy of the Royal Marines.

Dizzy Lizzie.

I think it will stick.

So here's the joke ...

A rabbit walks into a butchers shop in Portsea and asks for a carrot. The man says 'We don't sell carrots we only sell meat'. So the rabbit goes out.

The next day he comes in and asks the same question but the man says 'No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any carrots, this is the butchers'.

Then, the next day the rabbit walks into the same shop and asks the same question, and the man says 'If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your paw to the counter'.

The next day the rabbit comes back in and asks the man 'Have you got any nails?' The man says 'No' and so then the rabbit says....

"Do you sell carrots?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 16 April 2008


It's time to write a life list.

Recently I've found myself wandering about at home knowing I've got a million and one things that need to be done but end up not doing any of them due to excessive wandering around and thinking about everything that needs to be done.

Case in point the kitchen ceiling.

I never quite got round to finishing painting various parts of the ceiling at the end of the Great Kitchen Refit of 2007. And ever since then whenever I go into the kitchen I can't help but make (another) mental note that I really should get round to finishing it all off.

The problem is whichever room I end up in there is always another mental post-it note being stuck up on my little brain that says I really should get round to finishing it all off.

I now spend more time making mental notes than I do doing anything about the things I am making mental notes about.

The solution - a list.

From now on I will write a big list of everything I need to do or want to achieve and then cross them off, ceiling and all, when they're completed. New jobs will go on the bottom of the list and the brand new, highly organised, high achieving Jon Cuthill will emerge like a moth(?!) from a chrysalis.

However, just like said moth - it may all only last a couple of days.

So here's the joke ...

Two good old boys bought a couple of horses and decided to keep them in the same field for the winter.

"How will we tell which horse belongs to who?" asks the first.

The second has a bright idea. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours and that way we'll be able to tell them apart."

But when they came to collect their horses in the spring the mane and tail had grown back to their normal lengths.

"Now what?" asks the first man.

"Well - why don't you have the white one and I'll have the black one."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Early start

I'm not an early riser.

Indeed some ask the question whether I'm actually fully with it for any part of the day. A little harsh but today I can assure you I am wide awake. Why? Well oddly enough because I've been up since 4.30am.

Any other day 4.30am means in bed, sound asleep, dreaming of scoring the 30 yard wonder goal that will secure Bournemouth a League One spot, secure them a sound financial future and begin the enivitable march on into Europe.

Today 4.30am meant grabbing cameras and tripods and heading off into the depths of the New Forest to film the Dawn Chorus for a BBC project later this year. For all my grumbling I'm so glad I did as the sunrise this morning was truly beautiful.

We all forget from time to time how lucky we are to live here on the South Coast. Once every now and again a gentle reminder makes you realise just quite how blessed we are. So here's the thing - set your alarm clock extra early one day soon.

Get up when it's still dark - go to a safe spot on your own and watch the sunrise.

Life just got a little better.

So here's the joke ...

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"£10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay £10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 14 April 2008

Bad habits

If you start doing anything for long enough you'll pick up some bad habits.

It's been pointed out, cruelly in my view, that if you read my blog you'll note a certain repeated insecurity about my age. An over-willingness to mention how old I am normally coupled with something I'm having difficulty doing or understanding.

It's almost like I'm using my age as an excuse.

Age is a funny old thing. You start off wanting to tell anyone and everyone how old you are up until about the age of 10. Then it goes a bit quiet for a few years giving way to constant lying about your age at around about the 16 or 17 mark (reduced fare rail travel and the sale of alcohol are largely to blame).

No one really cares about their age apart from the odd blip (any birthday ending in '0') for the next 30 or so years and then the real deceit takes place - shaving off the odd year here and there depending on whose company you are in and who you're trying to impress. The other word for it of course is denial.

And then the circle is complete as by the time you hit eighty you're so pleased with yourself that you're still alive once again you find yourself telling anyone and everyone exactly how old you are and possibly that you can still tap dance or pull a wheelie on a pushbike.

From now on there'll be no more mention of my age. Just assume I'm still 37.

If anything changes I'll let you know.

A lot.

So here's the joke ...

A woman phoned her husband at work for a chat. "Sorry, darling," he said, "I'm really busy at the moment. I haven't got time to talk."

"Oh this won't take long. It's just that I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Look," he repeated, "I'm really busy - just give me the good news ...."

"Well she said ..... the good news is the air bag works."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 11 April 2008

The wall of shame

It takes a lot of effort to get the Jon Cuthill Show onto the air.

I know it doesn't sound it sometimes as I bumble my way through another 3 and a half hours but trust me it does. And that means the likes of Reporter Matt and Producer Lewis and Producer Alun spend a lot of time of the phone.

Now the thing about constantly being on the phone is the fact you have to schmooze a lot of people into coming onto the show. That means a lot of buttering up and sometimes, just sometimes, some truly bizarre things coming out of people's mouths.

In the office we have a whole wall of the best quotes from the team whilst speaking on the phone to potential guests .... here are just a couple.

"I reckon if I knew the words I'd be able to sing most songs." (Producer Lewis)

"I know I sound short and thin on the phone." (Reporter Matt - check out his blog)

"I'm really keen to do something with my life but if I don't I'll leave you a note (Producer Alun)

"The easiest way to remember how to spell 'because' is Big Elephants Can Always Understand Little Elephants ..." (Presenter Jon)

Have a great weekend.

So here's the joke ...

After stopping off for lunch on a day trip an elderly couple had driven ten miles down the road when the woman remembered that she had left her glasses at the restaurant. Her husband was irritated at having to go back for them.

"How could you forget your glasses?" he moaned. "This is going to add an hour to the journey. The whole day is wasted!"

He was still complaining when they pulled up again outside the restaurant. As his wife got out of the car, he grumbled ....

"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat too ..."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 10 April 2008

An army marches on it's (flat) stomach

Tonight is the night.

The Jon Cuthill Show team (minus Alun Newman) will be turning out in shorts to help reporter Matt train for his race. He was a bit down last week so foolishly I volunteered all of us to turn out at his next army training session.

Right now I am regretting it.

Newman has been getting some serious stick for pulling out - he's claiming he can't due to the fact his house is mid kitchen fit and wife and kids need their kitchen back. I fear it may be down to him not wanting to expose his pale knobbly knees to the general public.

For all our sakes it may turn out to be the right decision as no-one deserves to witness that but he's promised to attend the next session (I have it on tape). However I think a few phone calls may need to be made to the appropriate men and women in camoflague to see if we can't spice things up with their assault course or zip line.

Am thinking of wearing my glasses tonight so they take pity on me.

Drop and give me 50.

(The dropping part's the easy bit)

So here's the joke ....

Beryl's parrot dies, so she goes to a pet shop to get a new companion. The pet shop has a sale on hamsters, so she takes one home. Next day Beryl wakes up and finds her hamster dead in the bottom of it's cage.

She takes it back to the pet shop to complain. ' I can't replace him,' says the shop keeper, 'but tell you what, why don't you try stuffing that dead hamster in a jar and leaving it for a while. Sometimes they turn into delicious jam.'

Beryl thinks that sounds crazy but decides to give it a go. She takes the hamster, places it in a jar. A month later the smell becomes too much and she decides to bury it in the garden. One month later she notices a bunch a giant daffodils growing from the hamsters grave. She goes back to tell the shop keeper about these curious goings-on.

'That's extraordinary,' says the shopkeeper ....

'Usually you get tulips from hamster jam."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Logging on

I do love my log fires.

Not entirely sure whether I'm saving the world or sending us all to an early grave by burning down bits of tree but it's one of my little treats in life. Log fire. Bottle of plonk. Heaven.

So when the clocks change and it all starts warming up a bit I can't help but be slightly disappointed that the open fire season is over. At what point in the year officially does it become too warm to have a log fire? I think it's the smokey smell I like - and the fact that you can just sit and watch the flames for hours without having to think about too much. It's probably a man thing too - all real men take control of bonfires, bbq's and log fires given the chance.

Man + stick + fire = evolution

Roll on the winter.

So here's the joke ...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a posh suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The man parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturised printer then turns to the shepherd and says,"You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct, but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business .... Now give me back my dog."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Don't try this at home ...

.. unless you surround yourself with cushions, pillows and duvets.

Another nugget of useless information has passed across the Jon Cuthill Show desk this afternoon and one that we'll be putting to good effect on tomorrow's show.

Apparently if you're over 30 you can't stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute. Quite why you'd want to stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute I'm not sure. But only people under the age of 30 can achieve this feat as the rest of us struggle due to a lack of balance.

I've just tried it and I can't.

I'm 37. Things like this don't help with my mid life crisis.

However there is also something you can do with a ruler to check your age. I cheered myself up no end when I discovered I was under 20.

And no - you don't have to measure a thing.

All will be explained tomorrow.

So here's the joke ...

A man staggers into Accident and Emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.That's when I made my mistake."

"Why?" asks the doctor. "What did you do?"

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 7 April 2008

Raw fish and guitars

Ok - so the more observant amongst you will have noticed the much talked about revamp of my blog has failed to materialise. I'm blaming several factors.

Firstly, obviously, was the snow. Er - it's April? Where did that come from? It kind of annoys me slightly as I'm a big fan of snow but call me old fashioned I prefer it in the Winter. You know where you are then, don't you? April showers, February blizzards. August rain. Simple. It's almost like the weather is taunting me with - "I know you had a particularly dull winter but here's what I could have done."

Secondly I'm blaming a particularly nice bottle of wine at a particularly late dinner party and a particularly out of tune guitar. It doesn't take much these days for a grown up dinner party to descend into a sing song. It never fails to amaze me how many songs my four chords can conjour up. To be fair I suppose it got past the time when people were worried I was playing an A instead of an Am7 but that's what wine and friends are for. The food was terrific - a kind of Japanese meets Chinese with a raspberry pavlova to round things off.

Give me raw fish, pickled ginger and whipped cream anyday.

Finally I'm blaming the trauma that is being a Cherries fan. The result on Saturday reminded us what it's all about and just when you thought it's all over (both on and off the pitch) the lads come up with a result and a finish like that! Unfortunately some TV viewers it appears still think we lost 1-0 due to an incorrect caption but can I assure you it was 2-1.

And a bloomin' marvellous 2-1 it was too.

Anyway lots more to fill you in with - will catch up tomorrow.

So here's the joke ....

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign saying "Lobster Tails £1 Each." The man goes up to the waitress and says, "Those must be very small tails if you're selling the so cheaply?"

"No" replies the waitress, "they're normal size."

"Then they must be pretty old?" says the man. "No" replies the waitress "they're fresh today."

"Then there must be something wrong with them!" says the man. "No," replies the waitress "they're just regular lobster tails."

"OK," says the man "I'll have one."

So the waitress takes the mans money and sits him down ....

"Once upon a time there was a big red lobster ...."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 4 April 2008

The Green Eyed Monster

It had to happen.

Ok - so I'm still new to blogging but I suspect I may have been struck down by a serious modern day affliction. Blog Envy.

A couple of months ago life was so simple. I set up my blog and was quite happy burbling on about random things on the show and in my life. Then along comes Reporter Matt with his 10k in 10 weeks blog and the green mists have descended. His blog is amazing!!! Videos, pictures, countdown clocks, scrolling text messages ....

How on earth is an old 37 year old meant to keep up with that?

As a result I've decided to spend the weekend on the laptop at home giving my blog a makeover in true BBC Changing Rooms style. Not entirely sure what the internet equivalent of MDF is but as soon as I find out there'll be lots of it. And I suspect some lurid shade of internet paint, a few internet rugs, lamps, cushions and new door handles. If the blog is down on Monday you'll know something went seriously wrong.

If only technology would sit still idiots like me would be able to catch up with it. As it is I guess I'm destined always to be slightly behind cutting edge hanging onto my Betamax video recorder and ZX Spectrum.

Anyone for Manic Miner?

So here's the joke .....

A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home her husband asks, "So, how did the appointment go?"

"He said I have the body of a 20 year old." she replies

"Oh yeah? And what did her say about your 40 year old arse?"

"He didn't mention you."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 3 April 2008

Surf's up

Just reading the latest on Boscombe's surf reef.

The council have apparently now placed the order for the bags that will be used to create the reef which should be in place later this year. Quite excited about the whole thing and even phoned up a local surf shop to book in for some lessons as my surfing skills are a tad rusty and I want to be ready for the Autumn.

May even invest in a new board on the basis of the dream of early morning jaunts down to Boscombe for a quick surf before the show. That may prove wishful thinking though as would involve at least a 6am start and whilst the reef should help - the South coast is notoriously hit and miss for a decent bit of swell. Anyhow very excited.

The other thing I'm thinking about (yet to do anything about though) is to book in for some swimming lessons. I'll quite happily chug up and down the pool at the gym but I just want to be a little bit better at it. You see all the really good swimmers gliding up and down looking like it's no effort at all - and then I come along all arms, legs and splashes - Swan Lake it ain't!!!

Do feel a bit silly going for lessons as an adult. Last swimming lessons I had I was aged about 8 and would have to be bribed with a packet of cheese and onion crisps for afters.

So - two more things to add to the never ending list.

Here's the joke ...

A newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approaches the reception desk and tells the receptionist he wants the best for them as they were on their honeymoon.

"Will you be wanting the bridal?" asks the receptionist.

"No," says the groom "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Back in the saddle


Finally back after what felt like a lifetime away. It was all a bit weird this morning trying to remember what to press when but really glad to be back after a monster holiday and baby sitting the breakfast show for the Cleggster.

There's so much to catch up with.

Matt is going for it with his 10k run at the end of May. It's a huge deal for him and I think he's realising how much work it's going to be but loads of great texts of support today on the show. We're sticking them up on his blog (10k in 10 weeks). Keep them coming as I suspect there may be a few more ups and downs before the big day. Thanks so much for sending them in. I'm roping in the whole team to come out on one of his training sessions next week to give him a boost so watch this space. We'll take a mic with us so listening out for it on the show.

Producer Al's a bit frazzled at the moment as he's doing in 3 weeks what I took over a year to do. Yup - a new kitchen. Being a producer though he's got it under control (apart from the stepping on the broom incident).

Has been frowning a lot and rubbing his head. Not a good sign.

The lovely Ali Leslie has gone off for a couple of months to swan about with her new showbiz mate Alan Titchmarsh and co for the BBC's coverage of Chelsea and the other RHS shows. She's into all of that sort of stuff and is only working a few desks away so we can all still see her and she can throw things back at us.

Have been sneaking off for the odd half round of golf with Lewis. We're both of a, ahem, similar standard but at least we're getting extra value for money.

Anway I'll stick up some holiday snaps up from Rome for you to have a look at - a truly beautiful city and I'd recommend it to anyone. If you're into your history (and gnocchi) you've simply got to go. Already planning to go back sometime soon.

Oh and thanks for all the calls on the subject of petrol caps. We'll get to the bottom of it tomorrow fingers crossed. And can anyone track down this tunnel beneath the Solent for us?

Anyway here's the joke ....

Two flies are having a game of football in a saucer.

"Our game had better improve soon" says one ....

"We're playing in the cup tomorrow ....."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website