Monday, 30 June 2008


Well done Spain!

Quality. I am ten pounds the richer and Producer Claudia is up five quid as she had Germany in the sweep stake. So as sweep stakes go it's celebrations all round on the show today. It might even distract them from taking the mickey out of my ever so slightly toasted head.

In my defence there is a reason.

This weekend was the first time the new surf board got an outing and it's fantastic! It took a while to get used to it but am slowing learning what it likes to do and when. And it fitted perfectly on top of my silly car with the new soft rack. Off I trotted to Boscombe where I spent far too long splashing around, in the process swallowing gallons of the English Coast and occasionally surfacing wearing my new seaweed toupee.

In the short too long in the sun - not enough sun cream. Silly boy.

Anyway another exciting episode in my showbiz, rock and roll lifestyle - I went sock shopping at the weekend. Why read other blogs when you can read

I've had enough of holes in my socks. For some inexplicable reason more or less every right sock I have has a hole in and I have no idea why. I've looked at my right foot several times and there's nothing odd about it. For example I don't have one toe bigger than the rest. Anyway it's got so bad that I decided to throw all holy socks out only to find I only had about 3 pairs left.

Hence my bulk purchase of socks but wow! How expensive!?!?! I mean anyway it's not like anyone actually gets to see them. I know everyone is moaning about the price of petrol but .... it's socks that are really driving inflation up!!

Get me the Times.

And just for the record today's are stripey blues and black. Pretty cool (as far as socks go)

So here's the joke ...

A vicar offers Harry five hundred pounds to paint his church. Harry buys some paint and starts working but he discovers he's using more paint than he expected.

Harry adds some thinner to the paint to make it last but finds he's still using too much, so he adds yet more thinner.

The pain is now too thin to use properly, but Harry carries on regardless.

Suddenly there's a crack of thunder and a voice booms out from the clouds ....

"Harry, repaint and thin no more!"

Friday, 27 June 2008

Super Friday


For a number of reasons.

Firstly well done Spain. Through to the finals of Euro 2008. Can't say I'd normally be that thrilled however when you happen to have a small piece of paper in your grubby mitts for the office Euro 2008 sweep stake that says "Spain" believe you me it gets exciting. Contain yourself but I have already won my pound back AND there's a chance of a tenner with my name on.

And the German's look distinctly wobbly. Yay! (Apologies to any German readers).

Secondly. Nearly home time.

Have spent the day feeling slightly "tired".

Am pretty sure it's a total coincidence but last night was the Big Bar Quiz downstairs and the post quiz debrief was quite lengthy. It would appear I was extremely thirsty last night. Luckily I found plenty to drink.

Unfortunately I forgot to take my contact lenses out post quiz and so am staring at the screen whilst typing on the basis that I can't actually close my eyes. Am fairly sure I heard a crunch last time I blinked. Very funny evening though. Still can't quite believe our Transport Correspondent actually knew Postman Pat's surname!?! Unbelievable.

Anyway looks like surf's up for the weekend and so off for another lesson and may actually take the board with the newly acquired soft rack.

Have decided to never drink again.

It's all go!!!

Have a great weekend.

So here's the joke ...

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field. The farmer wasn't doing anything and appeared to be staring blankly at nothing in particular.

"What are you doing?" called the driver.

"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," said the farmer.

"How's that?" asks the man.

"Well - I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Soft rack a go go!

Crisis solved!

I've been banging on about the fact my new surf board is too big to fit in and/or on my silly little car over the past few months. I'm ashamed to say said new surf board has yet to go anywhere near the sea but all that is about to change.

During a recent surfing expedition to Boscombe I spied an Audi TT soft top with a pair of surfboards strapped on. I never knew this was possible and after a bit of online research I've found the secret world of soft racks. Basically it's a set of pads on straps which can go on any car allowing you to pop the boards up top. Straps go on and under the roof and are locked in place by the door frames/windows. To be fair I'm not entirely sure that they're designed to go on a convertible but it all seems to work perfectly.

Reading reviews there is a risk you may get wet if it rains hard as the straps press against the rubber seals of the doors but that's a whole lot drier than with the roof down and the board poking up.

Anyway the soft rack arrived yesterday and much to my neighbours amusement I gave it a go and it all seems rock solid on top of the ragtop. Hurrah! All I need now is a bit of surf and then Boscombe here I come.

I am quite excited as you may gather.

It's the little things in life ....

So here's the joke ...

A man suffered for months with chronic back pain and was eventually persuaded by his doctor to go and see the chiropractor.

But he didn't have much faith in such people and was convinced they wouldn't be able to help him. Yet after a few minutes treatment his back felt like new.

How do you feel about chiropractors now? Asked the doctor.

The man says ....

"I stand corrected."

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

What a whopper

Have just been watching a film about the World's Biggest Strawberry (note the use of capital letters to make it look more impressive).

I kid you not - it's HUGE! Five inches across - which I guess doesn't sound all that impressive but this thing is dwarfing lemons and apples. It's a little on the odd looking side and seems to have taken on a slight jelly like consistency around the edges - but it is quite definitely a strawberry. And a very large one at that.

It got me wondering. Everything in life must have a super sized version. Somewhere there must be a giant flee hopping around wondering why he's so different from all the others. Perhaps there's a whopper of a plankton drifting about in the huge oceans who has difficulty finding a pair of shoes to fit. And maybe there's a snail who's just too big to squeeze into his own shell and is the talk of all of his friends.

Average is boring.

Big is ... er .... big. Really big.

So here's the joke (best one of the year so far) ...

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having dinner at an expensive New York restaurant. It was the place to be seen and both had dressed for the occasion.

Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest suit. But the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.

"I'm terribly sorry," said waiter.

"So you should be," replied Fred.

"Thanks to you I've got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails."

Monday, 23 June 2008

Neat trick

Here's a new magic trick you can try.

Go to the seaside on the windiest day possible. Make sure you're carrying a heavy bag with straps just too short to allow you to sling it over your shoulder comfortably without it constantly slipping down your arm.

Next locate a burger van and order a regular cheeseburger and a large polystyrene cup of piping hot black coffee. Make sure you ask the nice owner of aforementioned van that your drink is indeed hotter than the sun. Oh - and ignore any lids offered.

Ensuring that the wind speed has not dropped proceed to wander around the corner with bag teetering on shoulder, burger in one hand halfway to mouth and cup of coffee at the ready in the other. Round corner at precise moment the wind reaches terminal velocity and watch in amazement as the magic happens (you may want to say "Abracadabra" at this exact point - I chose to mutter something else altogether).

The coffee will levitate out of the cup rising into a majestic arc. At this point the wind will also cause the bag to mysteriously levitate from shoulder jerking arm and throwing the remaining contents of the cup up in the air. The magician then shows his skill by catching most of the only slightly cooled coffee straight in the face at the same time as dropping cheeseburger onto foot.

Eat your heart out David Blaine.

Actually no - that might give him ideas.

With any luck.

So here's the joke ...

A wealthy lawyer had a summer house in the backwoods of Maine. One weekend he invited a Czech friend to stay with him. The pair were out picking berries for breakfast when they were approached by two huge bears - one male, one female. The lawyer managed to escape but his friend was swallowed whole by the male bear.

The lawyer drove to the sheriff's office and begged him to come and help his friend before it was too late. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and the two men drove back to the place of attack. The bears were still there.

"He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male bear - but the sheriff shot the female instead.

"What did you do that for?" screamed the lawyer - "I said he was in the other one."

"Exactly," said the sheriff .... "But would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

Friday, 20 June 2008

Back to school ....

I'm going through a bit of a retro period with my food at the moment.

I've had fish fingers for tea two nights running now. I actually caught myself craving a fish finger and salad cream sandwich during the show today. And this morning, out of nowhere, I got the unstoppable urge for dippy egg and soldiers. An urge so strong I ended up being half an hour late for work.

Last night down the pub conversation turned to Findus Crispy Pancakes. Remember them? No idea whether they are still available but I always remember having those in the 80's. They were bright orange breadcrumbed half moons which became nuclear hot on the inside - kind of the savoury equivalent to the pop tart.

The orange outside invariably got burnt a bit under the grill due to lack of concentration on the chef's part. And then between the crispy outside and the molten hot beef and onion filling was this kind of pale cream inside - which presumably was the pancake part.

Oh happy days - just thinking about them has made me want to go down the frozen aisle next time I go to the supermarket to see if they still exist.

I fear they may have gone the same way as Spangles ....

Have a great weekend

So here's the joke ...

Swedish explorer Leif Erikkson returned from his voyage to the New World only to discover that his name had been removed from his home town register.

He was appalled and complained bitterly to the leader of the town council.

After investigating the oversight, the council leader apologized saying .....

"Sorry but he must have taken Leif off his Census."

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Surf's up ... and down .. and then up again

Oh my goodness I can't tell you how much I am aching today.

I'm walking like John Wayne. Well - John Wayne with a swollen ankle and a stiff neck. I got absolutely beasted by Boscombe surf yesterday. Great fun.

Now I know all you surf dudes will be thinking there was nothing to it yesterday - not much bigger than a couple of feet - but it was a pretty hectic couple of feet in a howling gale and I found myself well and truly in the proverbial washing machine.

Surf instructor Jonty was trying to get me to paddle out back - believe you me I would have done if it wasn't for the fact that wherever I was that was the exact spot the next big wave would break and send me 2 metres back with a mouthful of the finest South Coast seawater.

Used my head a couple of times to check how solid the my board was. I can happily report it passed the test.

Am even more determined than ever to get better and so will be launching myself back in off the beach as soon as I can get back down. Hope to do the show from down there later in the year and so need to be able to Hang 10 by August.

If my old bones last that long.

So here's the joke ...

A man who specialized in puns thought he had an outstanding chance of winning a pun contest run by his local newspaper. He sent the paper no fewer than ten different entries in the hope that one of them might win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Dragon's Den awaits ....

I have a new invention.

The Happy Horn.

To avoid any confusion on the roads I am proposing that all cars are fitted with two horns.

The first would be your bog standard horn to alert motorists and/or pedestrians to your impending arrival. This horn also acts as a stress relief device if held down for more than 2 seconds after some idiot infront of you does something really stupid.

The second device would be the Happy Horn button.

Soundwise more of a honk than a toot.

This would be used when leaving family events whilst relatives are giving you a cheery wave from their front door. Alternatively you can use the Happy Horn when you recognise someone walking down the road and you're driving past.

In most instances you'd need to give the Happy Horn two friendly honks ... ie beep, beep!!!

The other invention I'm currently working on is a button in the car which deploys a Happy Hand to wave at a nice motorist who has just let you out of the junction. And of course if you drive past your friend you can press Happy Horn and then Happy Hand in that order for the full effect.

What do you reckon?

This time next year I'm going to be a millionaire.

So here's the joke ....

A tourist couple are visiting Moscow with their Russian guide, Rudolph. One day the couple decide they want to visit Gorky Park, but Rudolph looks at the sky and tells them they can't as it will rain soon. Sure enough a couple of hours later it starts to rain. Next day the couple want to go to Red Square, but again Rudolph looks at the sky and predicts rain. Sure enough a few hours later it starts to pour down. The next day the couple decide they want to go to the Moscow woods but Rudolph looks at the sky and tells them it will rain.

"It can't rain", complains the husband. "Look at the sky. There's not a cloud to be seen."

His wife pipes up, and says ... "I think Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Could have been worse ....

Not much worse ... but it could have been worse.

I was rubbish. Absolutely hopeless. My cricketing/baseball skills let me down and I was bowled out for just a single run.

I'm blaming a variety of factors of course.

Firstly, my general lack of any ability and/or skill. Secondly, the opposition at the beautiful village of Woodgreen played very dirty and provided the most delicious cricket tea thus rendering me useless as I waddled around four strawberry and cream scones, numerous rounds of egg and cress sandwiches and a variety of spectacular cakes the heavier. And thirdly, and possibly the main reason for my poor performance, they have just about the most idyllic setting for their ground you can imagine and there is just far too much to gaze at.

It helps, apparently, if you always watch the ball.

So yesterday to try to salvage some sort of credibility on the sporting front myself and Producer Lewis tried a quick 9 hole in the afternoon. All I can say about that - indeed all I want to say about that - was that it was an incredibly good value for money round of golf. Pound per shot an absolute bargain.

No football last night - due to swollen ankle - but very excited about the prospect of mid week surf down in Boscombe either tomorrow or Thursday. Have spent the last week watching the charts and finally, finally it looks like there's half a decent chance of something rideable appearing.

So am working a monster long day today so I can play hookey tomorrow after the show and get on down to Bournemouth. Mind you - as a 37 year old - playing hookey invariably means doing more work the day before and after as a guilty conscience is a terrible thing.

Anyway - must work, surf's up ...

So here's the joke ...

Three animals - a bird of prey, a lion and a skunk are arguing about which is the most fearsome.

The bird of prey says it's the most fearsome as it's the fastest.

The lion says it's the most fearsome because it's the strongest.

The skunk says it's the most fearsome as it's the worst smelling.

Just then a bear came along and swallowed them all .... hawk, lion and stinker.

Friday, 13 June 2008

Big Cricket Sunday

I should imagine this is exactly how Michael Vaughan feels.

Nervous pacing up and down, numerous checks in kit bag to make sure you've got everything, a growing sense of anticipation.

The BBC South cricket team is getting wheeled out on Sunday. Kevan James is heading up the wide array of talent and we've got our 100 percent record to protect. (Technically we have only played one game this season but nonetheless that's a 100 percent record and I'm sticking by it).

My new found baseball stance served me well last time - I know it's frowned upon however it got results - and I've been practicing waddling up and down the lounge with an orange between my knees to simulate running between the wickets with a box.

It's only a matter of time before the professional cricketers catch on to my genius. Bum out, knees bent, bat hovvering in mid air.

Time it right and you take the glory.

Time it wrong and you look an absolute chump.

Only time will tell if I time it this time if you see what I mean.

Have a great weekend and steer clear of Fordingbridge on Sunday afternoon. No idea where this ball is going to go ....

So here's the joke ...

Julius Caesar is addressing the crowd at the Coliseum.

"Friends , Romans and countrymen, I have returned from my campaign in France where I killed 50,000 Gauls!"

The crowd rises to it's feet and cheers "Hail, mighty Caesar!!!"

At this point Brutus jumps up and yells "Caesar lies. I've discovered he only killed 25,000!"

"Ah yes," replies Caesar "but away Gauls count double in Europe."

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Handing in the badge

If this was a cop show here's the part when I'm in the office (which invariably has a glass door with backward writing on) with the chief and I'm handing over the gun and the badge.

He'd be saying something along the lines of "You're off the case, Cuthill."

I'd be saying things like "But chief just give me 24 hours ...."

Apparently my blog is about to be debadged. The powers that be have decided it can't be BBC branded anymore. Quite why not no-one seems able to explain but nonetheless it will all change magically at some point. Apparently it's all very complicated but to enable us to do things in the future at this point in time we can't be doing other things now .... I just wisely nodded, stroked my chin with a sense of authority and agreed wholeheartedly.

That's what I get paid for.

Anyway I don't think I've upset anyone and am fairly sure I've still got a job - I say fairly sure on the basis that I keep turning up and security continue to let me in. You can never quite tell.

Elsewhere the surf is still flat as a pancake. It's been like this for a couple of weeks so I guess summer (despite the rain) is well and truly upon us. Itching to try out the new board that's sat sadly in the corner of my bedroom in it's bag eversince I bought it. Every now and again I get it out, have a look at it, put a bit more wax on it and then put it away.

It's turning into the surfing equivalent a sandwich toaster.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

So here's the joke ....

A man is walking along the beach, finds a bottle and uncorks it. A genie flies out and says, "I will grant you three wishes.

"Great!" says the man. "I know exactly what I want. First, I want a billion pounds in a Swiss bank account."

Poof! The genie hands him a piece of paper with his account information on it.

"Super! Second, I want a brand new red Porsche."

Poof! There's a brand new car with the keys in the ignition.

The man says, "Wonderful! Finally…I want to be irresistible to women!"

Poof! There is a flash of light, and he turns into a bar of chocolate.
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Chaos reigns

Ok - that may be a little bit on the dramatic side.

But my blogging is all over the shop at the moment. No idea what happened yesterday. And I can't say it was down to my crazy, roller coaster, jet set life style (still waiting for that particular episode of my 30's to kick in).

I may have just dozed off on the sofa (rock'n'roll!!!)

To be fair though I should imagine even the biggest hell raisers must have had the odd day off. Ghengis Khan for example can't have been ransacking villages, being bad tempered and pulling wings off flies every day, surely? Keith Richards must occasionally have a night in watching Miss Marple on the telly? And even Amy Winehouse must have the odd soft drink?

Anyway - I've had a serious word with myself (in between snoozes) and will be gracing the internet blog scene with my presence 5 days a week.

The other thing I've noticed about this blogging lark is it makes you realise exactly how dull parts of your life are. Obviously I'm not about to start making things up .... and as I thought whilst handgliding over the Himalaya's just the other day it's the boring bits which can be the most interesting.

Sadly not if you have to read them.

So here's the joke ...

A man runs over a cat.

The cat's address is on it's collar so the man goes to apologies to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers.

The man says, 'I'm so sorry. I have just run over your cat. Can I replace it?'

'I don't know,' says the old lady. 'Depends if you're any good at catching mice."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 9 June 2008

Holland 1 Italy 0

That's the current score as I splodge on my sofa writing this. Am currently armed with a cup of tea and a far too large white chocolate and strawberry crunch chocolate bar (supermarket impulse purchase - probably won't be having that impulse again.)

Anyway am watching the footy and can't quite work out if I'm fussed by it this year. It's definately not the same without the false placed optimism of England taking part. No stupid stories in the papers about middle aged men having odd tattoos done, no exotic team inspired silly haircuts and noone naming their baby "Euro 2008" much to their wife's obvious annoyance. No environment crippling plastic flags strewn in hedges and lay-bys after another failed penalty shoot out. And no booze fuelled fights involving people who yet again fail to see the irony of being an England supporter.

(Holland have just scored again)

Have decided to throw my support behind my office sweep stake team. Comparisons can be made with England. Spain on paper should do something, pundits have already mentioned that "this could be their year" and I have a whole pound riding on it.

Invariably that leads to only one thing.

And it's not a trophy.

(The Dutch nearly scored number 3)

Oh - and have decided I am too fat. My tummy no longer always goes in the same direction that I am going. Will dig out my handy fat reading gadget and provide daily updates for your amusement.

Off to play footy to work off that chocolate.

Speak soon

So here's the joke

A man stops by the house of his friend Jim in the Deep South of the US of A. Jim's wife answers the door.

"Is Jim there?" asks the friend

"No," replies Jim's wife, "He's gone to pick cotton."

Next day the friend stops by Jim's house again.

Again he knocks on the door and again Jim's wife answers.

"Is Jim there?" asks the man.

"No," replies the wife - "Jim's gone to pick cotton."

Next day the friend tries again. He knocks on the door of Jim's house and again it's opened by Jim's wife.

"Is Jim there?" asks the friend.

"No," replies the wife. "Jim's dead. We buried him in the backyard."

Jim's friend goes round to see Jim's grave and reads the inscription on his tombstone. It says ..

"Gone, but not for cotton."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 6 June 2008

No rest for the wicked

I don't want pity.

Keep your sympathy to yourselves.

But I'm working on Sunday.

Now the only reason I mention it is because I'm doing something quite interesting. I'm off on a Fear of Flying course. Not because I have a fear of flying but because I'm following someone with a fear of flying.

I can see why people might worry about it. I mean every now and again you're on a plane and there's the odd clunk or clank you weren't expecting which throws you slightly. My Dad refuses point blank to fly anywhere much to my Mum's frustration. Holidays for them are inevitably confined to driving to Northern France or a wet weekend in Devon.

Really curious to see how they approach it. It's a day long course which ends with all of us trooping off to Bourenmouth Airport for a couple of laps round the airfield in a plane.

Will tell you all about it next week on the show.

Other than that was hoping to go surfing although it's looking rather flat so will amuse myself with the continuing quest to find the perfect campervan.

Have a great weekend

So here's the joke ....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,

"The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence"
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,

"How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...

"Liver alone cheese mine."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Itchy & scratchy

One of the benefits of this job is that, usually, no-one can see you.

Despite that the team are remarkably well turned out - normally shirts and even sometimes the odd tie. However I'm currently taking full advantage of the wireless as am sporting a beard that to be quite frank Grizzly Adams would be proud of. It's a monster.

I've gone past the stage where shaving it off would be enjoyable. In fact now I think it would be positively painful. Granted it's been a while since I've been completely clean shaven - there is usually a little bit there to keep my chin warm - but I've let it go and it's got to the stage when it's starting to get annoying.

Can't exactly tell you why or how it happened. I'm blaming the earlier starts and not enough time in the mornings to find the shears and trim it back.

However it is proving to be a useful too for a bit of ham acting. Now when I'm talking to someone and I need to look semi-intelligent and like I'm thinking I slowly rub it whilst nodding my head. Works a treat! Every bit the wise sage.

Hmmmmm .... (rubs beard, nods, looks clever .... and a bit like Captain Birdseye - other fictitious bearded men are available)

So here's the joke ...

During a performance of a school nativity play at the local theatre a large crack appears in the middle of the performance area. As the evening progresses the crack becomes bigger and bigger until it finally develops into a hole. Everyone else manages to avoid it but when young Johnny steps forward as one of the Wisemen - he plunges straight through the hole ...

The audience gasps - but Johnny's father stands up and says .....

"Don't worry, it's just a stage he's going through."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Sorry sorry sorry

I'm so rubbish.

There I am wittering on about how I miss it when I don't do my blog and I go and completely miss yesterday's ISA (Internet Scrawling Appointment).


I spent most of yesterday afternoon in a meeting. Nothing spectacular - all the normal stuff. Here at the Beeb they call it a Team Brief. However, I'm thinking of alerting Trading Standards on the grounds of a false and misleading description. If we're going to be completely correct, as we do have to be nowadays since Cookiegate, it needs to be renamed.

Team Anything But Brief?
Team I'm sorry I can't keep it Brief?
Team Bet You Wish It Was Brief?

Anyway - all good stuff but it did slightly throw my routine. (At my age any unscheduled changes can be quite unnerving). I ended up with a long list of things I should have done with no time to do them and rather than just start at the top and get on with it I spent the remainder of the day wandering around looking slightly lost mumbling about the fact I've got a long list of things to do and no time to do them.

That may be a unique quality of mankind - if so I'm a hostage to my genes.

If I was a woman I guess I'd be moaning about the long list of things to do whilst actually doing them.

The benefits of multi-tasking.

So here's the joke ...

A dear old lady's two cats - a ginger tom and a pretty tortoiseshell - passed away within weeks of each other. She couldn't bear the thought of being without them and so she decided to take them to a taxidermist and have them put on a display in her living room.

"These are my two cats," says the old lady. "They used to get on so well together."

"Ah - that's nice," says the taxidermist. "Tell me - do you want them mounted?"

"No, no," says the old lady. "Just holding paws."
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 2 June 2008

Here's a funny thing

I've just experienced a new phenomenon.

I tried to write my blog earlier this afternoon but the system wouldn't let me. Now it may be the internet has suddenly upped the standards of it's contributors (have just checked and Peter Andre still has a website so it can't be that) - or it could be merely a matter of taste - but it just plain refused. Denied. Grrrrr!!!

And that's when it struck.

I have begun suffering from blog withdrawl. How sad is that?! Actually don't answer that - I already know the answer. But it got me thinking.

When I started writing this thing it was all new and exciting and I was spending ages staring at my computer screen thinking of something witty/deep to say. Granted when that didn't happen I'd just write any sort of jibberish but jibberish that would "inform and entertain" as per BBC requirement 37a.

But slowly over the months I've noticed it's changed. It has kind of morphed into cyberspace therapy - possibly more for me than you - but therapy nonetheless. A kind of downloading of the bits of life which annoy or frustrate me, or make me happy or sad or stuff I need to get off my chest.

So my blog is my virtual couch and I'm assuming you're sat there in the leather chair with a beard and a clipboard about to ask me to tell you about my parents.

Possibly in a smoking jacket with leather patches on the elbows.

And a pipe.

And slippers.

I've got a lot to tell.

So here's the joke ....

An engineer dies and is sent to Hell. He sets to work on the amenities and after a while they've got hot and cold running water, air conditioning, and flushing toilets. One day God hears about the increasing comfort levels in Hell and demands that the engineer is sent up to Heaven.

"No way!" says the Devil. "I like having an engineer around. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or i'll sue."

"Oh yeah?" says the Devil, "And where are you going to find a lawyer?!"
_ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website