Friday, 15 August 2008

Summer hols ...

So that's it - school's out for Summer.

Granted it's a little shorter than the retro 6 week holiday I was hoping for but a couple of weeks off isn't to be sniffed at, is it? Off to the South of France for a week and then will be surfing for week after in between finishing off things I should have done before I went off on holiday.

Have a lovely fortnight and fingers crossed the weather cheers up a bit. Will leave you the last two jokes to groan at and the last couple of Mental Maths to puzzle over.

Laters Potaters

Jon x

PS Am trying to persuade them to shell out for some Head Boy, Head Girl, Milk Monitor and Prefect badges to hand out. Also a flat pack Dunces hat for the class thickos.

So here are the jokes ...

During his spell in prison, Michael learnt carpentry and became highly accomplished. He was also a model prisoner so when the Governor wanted some work doing on his kitchen at home, he asked Michael whether he would help out.

"I've done the cupboards," said the Governor, "but promised my wife a nice kitchen work surface and, to be honest, I don't think I'm up to the job. So could you do it for me?"

"I'd like to," said Michael "But ..... it was counter fitting that got me here in the first place ..."
And from Thursday ...

A Sunday school teacher reads a Bible passage to her class.

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed and prayed for help with his whale based predicament.

And so the great fish was called from on high to vomit out Jonah upon the dry land.

When she's finished reading the teacher says - now children what does this story teach us.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says ...."You can't keep a good man down?"

Here's the answer to yesterday's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.

add 26
add the indiviual digits together
take off 17
times 9
add the digits together
reverse the digits
times 2
add it to the starting number


And finally the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am when I get back.


add 27
double it
take away 1
divided by 9
times 6
take off 35
times 2
treble it


Wednesday, 13 August 2008

The one I couldn't read ...

Here's the email which caused me so many problems today.

"Hi Jon,

Not wanting to offend your lovely lady caller Nora but she reminded me of this story. I don't think you'll be able to, and in fact I hope you don't read this out - just one to share with you and the crew.

Several years ago when my Mum was in hospital the patient in the next bed to her was a lovely lady called Nora.

On one ocassion when i was visiting, Nora wasn't in her bed - she'd gone for an xray or something. Anyway I was at the bottom of the bed massaging Mum's feet (I'm a reflexologist) when I happened to glance up and notice Nora's name board above her bed. I took a double take and thought "no that doesn't say Cook " and started to giggle. Mum asked what I was laughing at and i said "do you know what Nora's surname is?- it's Cock!! "

Followed hysterical laughing and my Mum hoping Nora didn't come back too soon! My Mum at the time was in her 80's - God bless her she died a couple of years ago and I know will be horrified that I'm sharing this with you!"

Now can you see why I was laughing?! Truly brilliant.

So here's the joke ...

A man goes into a shop to buy his wife a present from their anniversary. He points out a bottle of perfume and asks how much.

"That's 50 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.

"Oh no - that's far too much - what about a smaller bottle?"

"That's 30 pounds, sir," says the assistant.

"No," says the man. "That's still way too much. What about that really tiny bottle there?"

"That's 15 pounds," says the assistant.

"No," says the man. "Still too much. I'd like to see something cheap."

So the assistant gives him a mirror.
Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am.

times 7
double it
divided by 7
add 23
times 3
take away 17
add 9
divided by 5


Surf's up

Monday was hilarious. Cold, wet, long but hilarious.

Have just got my head around putting the photos up on the blog. Everyone was so lovely down at Boscombe and a few even braved the August weather to come and say hello to us on our tour bus. A big thanks to the surf team for letting us loose and ensuring we didn't end up at the Needles.

Anyway enjoy the pics.

Write soon.

So here's the joke ...

A young couple buy a new car and take it for a spin in the countryside. Feeling romantic and one thing leads to another - and then another and then another. Anyway - they soon work out that the car is too small. Instead they squeeze underneath the car to express their passion for one another.

Well after a few minutes a policeman walks by and tells the couple he's going to have to arrest them for indecent exposure.

"But I'm not doing anything illegal under here," complains the man. "I'm a mechanic."

"No you're not - you're making love. And I can tell that for three reasons. Firstly you have no tools out. Secondly I can see a second pair of legs and thirdly ....

... someone's stolen your car."

Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Pretty straight forward this one. Here's the solution.


plus 12
double it
add 17
divided by 5
plus 29
times 4
divided by 16
take off 20 percent ....


Thursday, 7 August 2008

A starter for ten .... well, four

Had people over for dinner last night. Subjected them to my new starter. Thought I'd share it with you today as it's super quick and super cool. As far as I know all guests are still alive.

Ok here's what you need (serves 4)

8 ripe figs
Roquefort cheese (or something just as stinky)
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar

It's pretty basic and super quick.

Quarter the figs and divide up onto four plates. Grate cheese onto the figs (you might have to chill the cheese for a bit in the freezer prior to grating otherwise it might clog up). Drizzle olive oil and balsamic vinegar (to taste) on top and Bob's your uncle.

Simple as that.

I might put in for FasterChef.

So here's the joke ...

A shy boy meets a girl at a nightclub and wanted to invite her back to his house. He asks her whether she would like to see his collection of stamps and that she has beautiful eyes ....
"Huh!" snorts the girl. "Philately gets you nowhere."

Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Tougher than yesterday.Here's the solution.


halve it
times 3
take off 19
add 43
divided by 9
times itself
take off 26
halve it


Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Wonky wheel

There I was getting all healthy and credit crunch savvy. My big plan - to save millions of pounds in petrol per week and cycle in to work. Granted it's only about 3 miles but I figured that's got to save something (especially with current fuel prices) and also give the creaky old knees a work out.

It's a win win situation.

Well - it would have been if I hadn't suffered from a wonky wheel. Am fairly sure Lance Armstrong gets it from time to time. For no reason I can figure my back wheel has decided that straight and upright is a bad thing and that loose and wonky is better. I felt a bit like Bonzo the Clown - all I needed was a squirting flower, a big pair of tartan trousers and some size 18 shoes. In the end I had to get off due to the embarrassing squeaks and scrapes and the fact I was scaring small children and animals. Strangely it's a longer walk than it is a cycle.

The greater worry is that it was the back wheel which would imply it was somewhat overloaded. Quite with what I couldn't imagine - however I'm starting to get the message.

Diet, anyone?

So here's the joke ...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "It was the day after I got me hook."

Here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Lots of people got it right today. But not everyone. Here's the solution.


times 8
double it
take away 30
halve that
divided by 7
add 10
add 18
divided by 5


Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Bin busy

Producer Alun has made a good point. You can never have too many bins.

I've just noticed I haven't got even near enough. Am taking this whole recycling business seriously now (my token effort to save the planet). But the problem is you appear to have to be ultra organised in order to prevent a global catastrophe of biblical proportions (that my be over egging the pudding slightly but never let facts get in the way of creative writing).

Anyway I no longer can just have a rubbish bin and a recycling bin - it doesn't work. That would be far too simple. I've worked out I need five bins. Rubbish, food waste, glass, newspaper and cardboard - oh and plastics - apart from of course yoghurt pots but that's another story. Anyway the problem is if I invest in five bins I will no longer be able to get in or out of the kitchen. I definitely won't be able to reach the switch for the boiler meaning that in my effort to save the planet I will have left the central heating on for a hundred years so melting both polar caps, running up a third world debt (gas ain't cheap) and ending mankind.

So technically the most environmentally friendly thing I can do is just to put it all in the same bin meaning that I'll be in total control of my radiator temperatures thus saving the planet.

Besides I can always just bury it all along with all that nuclear waste. I'm sure it'll be fine, won't it?

So here's the joke ...

A brown paper bag goes to his doctor feeling unwell. The doctor takes all sorts of samples and says to the bag to come next week. Next week comes and the doctor says, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. We discovered from your tests that you've got an hereditary disorder."

"Really?" says the bag. "How can that be? I'm a brown paper bag."

"Ah yes," says the doctor. "But your mother was a carrier."

And new from today here's the answer to today's Mental Maths. Check it out on the show weekdays at 11.15am. Lots of people got it wrong today. Here's the solution.

give me 3 fifths of that
50 percent of that
a third of that
divided by a half
double it
plus 1
times by a third
add that to the starting number


Monday, 4 August 2008

Boscombe here we come!

This time next week we'll be on the beach AND getting paid for it. Ok - so it probably won't be the breeze it sounds but it definitely makes a change from the studio. We've got the big red bus and we'll be heading down early doors to lay out our towels. Am attempting to get the whole team into wetsuits for a surf session.

So far they all seem remarkably keen. That may change as we get closer to the day but I'll definitely be going in for a go come rain or shine.

Good news - the little orange light has gone off on the Blue Peril. Am working on the theory that if it's gone out it couldn't have been that serious. Either that or it's so serious the warning bulb has burned itself out attempting to alert me. Mind you I would expect that any decent car would have a warning light to warn you that the original warning light has gone out. No more lights have come on so I'm assuming I'm fine. And that's what I'll repeat to myself when I'm stuck on the hard shoulder of the M27 with my bonnet up and 4 litres of Castrol on the floor.

Have been negating my blogging duties - not because I've been up to mischief but I seem to be short on time all of a sudden. I mean it's not like I've begun living a jet set life of constant holidays and parties - I seriously think either someone is sat on the fast forward button or, more likely, am slowing up and have started thinking snoozing on the sofa is a good idea.

Unfortunately once you have a couple you can't stop yourself. Am worried next time I wake up it'll be 2009.

The year as opposed to 10 past eight ish.

So here's the joke ... (best one from last week)

A remote monastery was home to an order of monks who communicated with each other only by chanting. Every morning they would assemble in the chapel and the abbot would chant.

"Good morning assembled brethren."

And the monks would dutifully reply, "Good morning Father Abbot."

But one morning a maverick monk instead chanted "Good evening, father abbot."

The abbot glared at the monks and proclaimed, "Someone chanted evening!"