Friday, 29 February 2008

That Friday feeling

So that's it then!

I have officially just done my last show for what seems like weeks although I'm sure it'll whizz by.

Still no real plans so come Saturday I'll be sat on the internet searching out the last minute bargain holidays. Am set on trying to go snowboarding and got quite excited last night when I got out my bag full of kit with half a mind to give it a bit of a wash and a scrub up.

Helmet, goggles, thermals - all there and desperate for an outing. And I would look a bit daft wearing them walking down Shirley High Street so better find a mountain.

Latto the Statto will be looking after the show while I'm away. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve I reckon so make sure you keep him company from Monday if you can. And then I'm in on breakast for a week and a half whilst Julian is off chasing ghosts(?!) so we'll catch up then.

Have a great three weeks.

See you soon


So here's the joke ...

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts ....

"Darling, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the lights now? Helloooo - does it look like i have Southern Electric written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," says the wife. "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly ..."

"Fix the fridge door? Helloooo - does it look like i have frigidaire written on my forehead? I don't think so ...."

"Fine," she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break ..."

"I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps" he says, "Hellooo - does it look like i have B&Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this. I'm going to the pub!!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours ...

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is now working. And as he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"

"Well," she says, "when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs. And all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake?"

"Hellooooo - does it look like I have Delia Smith written on my forehead ....?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

I'm sorry he's in a meeting ...

To be fair it does sound like the sort of excuse you get when you're after someone on the phone who you know is there but feels like they're avoiding you.

But I was honestly in meetings all yesterday after the show and neglected my blog duties. So two for the price of one today - if only for the jokes.

It was all meetings about the show - How's the show doing? What should the show be doing? Are we doing what the show should be doing? Should we be doing now what the show isn't doing and how can we do it?

You get the drift.

I have to confess I'm not really a meetings person. Sometimes in life you do get the feeling that meetings are only held for the sake of having a meetings. Although to be fair to the BBC it's not the worst offender by any stretch of the imagination.

We didn't even get biscuits.

Or coffee.

My favourite story of meetings was one chief executive who with a bit of help from HR had a computer screen set up in the corner of the board room with a computer showing how much per second that particular meeting was costing (ie calculated salaries per second of all present at meeting). Strangely enough it turned out to be a particularly short meeting.

Funny that.

Time quite clearly is money.

So here's the joke ....

A convention to prove accountants aren't stupid is set up in a massive stadium. Accountants from all over the world watch as the presenter calls up the first volunteer accountant and asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 20 seconds the volunteer replies '19.'

All the accountants in the stadium are disappointed and shout, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

The presenter agrees and asks, 'What is five plus five?' Half a minute later the volunteer replies, '100?'

Everyone is again disappointed and the accountants demand that the volunteer gets another chance. So the presenter says, 'Okay, one last chance. What is four plus four?' The accountant concentrates hard and five minutes later says 'eight.'

The stadium roars ..... 'Give him another chance, give him another chance!!'
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Eat all you can't

We just all had lunch out.

It was a sort of working lunch affair but it made a change from the BBC canteen/restaurant downstairs. Rich (aka Latto the Statto) is in the chair for my holiday next week and so the team decided it would be good to go over the show with him and think of a few new features to spice things up whilst I'm lounging around at home/on holiday.

The chosen venue was an eat all you can lunchtime buffet. The trick is exactly knowing when you have eaten all you can.

I blame my genes.

I suspect that when ancient Cuthills lived in caves and a woolly mammoth presented itself the eat-all-you-can gene kicked into overdrive. Eat now or starve later. Thousands of years and a lunchtime later I can assure you my gene is working effectively. So effectively that I have just consumed the equivalent of three and a half woolly mammoths.

And if I'm really honest I don't think I actually enjoyed it.

It turned into a "I'd better eat a bit more to get my money's worth" instead of an enjoyable lunch. Eating because you can and not because you need to. It's a bit like a free bar and ending up getting hammered half way through the evening for no other reason than the simple fact the drinks are free.

A lack of self control or the excess of the times we live in?

And it does make me feel that there is something everso slightly wrong in the world that I'm complaining I have too much to eat when someone somewhere doesn't have enough.

At the end of the day it's a pizza and it's not going to make a huge difference whether I eat 4 or 5 slices. But today was more food for thought than food for lunch.

So here's the joke ...

An old man and an old woman are talking in an old folks home.

The man says "I'm so old I forgot how old I am".

"I'll tell you how old you are" says the old woman. "Take off your clothes and bend over".

The man does so and the woman says. "You're eighty-four".

The man is astonished.

"How can you tell?" he asks.

The woman replies .... "You told me yesterday."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Average Joe

Have just noticed something about my sporting exploits.

I'm distinctly average at the lot of them - and it got me thinking. What would you rather be? A master of one sport or just OK at quite a few.

If you're a regular reader of my witterings you'll know already that I, on a fairly irregular basis, attempt to play football, tennis, golf and wobble around on my mountain bike. But after last nights performance on the pitch (missed an absolute sitter from less than 2 yards) it's becoming obvious perhaps I need to concentrate on just the one - which brings me back to the question.

The problem is if you're really good at one sport ie tennis no-one will want to play with you leaving the only option of having to take it all very, very seriously. It also means that when your mates fancy a knock about with a football you'll always end up being the one last picked, stood on the goal line looking like a plumb due to total lack of ability. All your sporting credits having been spent on the tennis court.

That's the one option. The other is the average at everything which means you always get to have a go but never quite feel satisfied.

Or score goals when you really should.

Off to the driving range with Producer Lewis tonight.

Another night of sporting mediocrity guaranteed.

And that's just Lewis.

So here's the joke ...

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."

The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, " I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the livingroom his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

The old man looked at her and replied, "To get my teeth!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 25 February 2008

Tyring news

I fear the Blue Peril is about to let go.

In the law of sod it is written that a car can only play up straight after you've just spent a fortune getting it serviced and through it's MOT. Lionel (of course he's got a name) appears to be trying to do things he simply isn't designed to do.

Now there are two courses of action open to any car owner.

The first is to bite the bullet and take it to the garage to get the problem sorted straight away - taking any expense on the chin in the philosophical manner of short term pain for long term gain and that it'll only get worse (and more expensive).

The second is simply to turn up the stereo to the point you can't hear the problem.

I'm off to buy some CD's ....

So here's the joke ....

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said ....

"Ask him if it was with the same cow?"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 22 February 2008

Holiday time

Just had my end of year leave approved which means I'm off for 3 weeks next Friday!

To be honest I wasn't entirely expecting for it to all go through which has thrown me into holiday chaos. It means it's time to do some hasty planning as 3 weeks is far too long to be sat about at home for and I'm refusing to do any DIY this time round. Unless I take drastic action there is the distinct possibility of the kitchen ceiling actually being painted.

Luckily the car cost a fortune to service last week which has resulted in setting my sights slightly lower in terms of exotic destinations. Totton rather than Tenerife, Bournemouth instead of the Bahamas but saying that anywhere that isn't home is a holiday. Will get the map out over a glass of something tonight and see where's worth a visit.

Failing that - will use the trusted method of map, dart and blindfold.

Never fails.

Apart from once - but that was a pure accident ....

So here's the joke ...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to him ....

"Try doing it with the engine running."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Thursday, 21 February 2008

If I was in Snow White I'd be ...

... Grumpy.

Have decided urgent action is needed on the spare tyre front and so have just returned from an enormous lunch of 1 banana and 1 avocado. I mean don't get me wrong - I'm not about to go on a crash diet but I think the time may have come for me to a) eat less and b) do more (the boss has been saying that for ages.)

As a creature of habit I don't actually mind doing a bit of exercise - infact I quite enjoy it. But it's just the thought of it which always proves worse than it actually is. A bit like the dentist. Actually no - scrub that - a bit like everything apart from the dentist (sorry Clive, nothing personal).

Anyway am now on a serious health kick. Back to the gym, back to the running and perhaps back to be able to seeing all of my feet all of the time. Have even brought one of those machines which tell you how much water/fat you're made up of. No idea how it does it - something to do with electric currents and resistance but will now include regular scores on blog in a kind of Adrian Molesque sort of way.

Body currently composed of ....

46 percent BBC coffee
17 percent red wine
16 percent biscuits
15 percent that chocolate which comes in 2 sticks
3 percent banana
2 percent avocado
1 percent willpower

So here's the joke ...

An explorer comes across a pygmy standing next to a dead elephant. "Did you kill this beast?" asks the explorer.

"Yes" replies the pygmy.

"What did you use?" asks the explorer.

"A big club" replies the pygmy.

"That must have been an enormous club." says the explorer ...

"Yes," says the pygmy, "we've got about 400 members."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Super sized me

My car doesn't come with a spare tyre.

Unfortunately it would seem that I now do.

I appear to be showing the first signs of middle aged spread. Am becoming slightly concerned at my body's new found ability to store calories. Previously it's been rubbish at the task and I would pour alcohol in and merrily chuck in the chips without any long term effects.

Now however, after 37 years, it's finally got the knack of hanging on to it.

Personally I blame global warming. Previously my "energy" reserves would see me through the cold winter periods and I'd shiver myself back to the correct body weight in time for Spring. Now however with the overall rise in world temperatures I seem to be shivering less and weighing more.

So before you get into your 4x4. Before you take another transatlantic flight. Before you leave your electric fire on overnight. Think.

Not about the environment.

But about my ever expanding bum.

So here's the joke ...

A man absolutely hates his wife's cat. And on top of it all she insists the cat goes with them on all their holidays. One day, while his wife is doing laundry at the campsite facilities he decides to get rid of him by driving him 5 miles from their campsite and leaving him at a park. As he was getting back to their site, the cat was walking up the driveway to the site. The next day, he decides to drive the cat 15 miles away. He puts the beast out and heads back to the campsite.
As he was pulling into the driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him back. Finally, he decides to drive a 100 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reaches what he thought was a safe distance from the campsite and put out the cat. Hours later, the man calls his wife's mobile phone and asks, "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm lost - I need directions."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Phones for who?

For the past three weeks I've been in mobile hell.

I know what you're going to say - we all managed perfectly well before they were invented ... we all managed to live busy and fulfilling lives without them ... we all used to take 10p out with us for emergencies and were never too far away from a phone box.

But the world has changed and when you've got a phone that's fighting back life can prove quite tricky.

It all began last month when texts began to mysteriously take their time to arrive. Messages came through at 2am in the morning telling me how exciting it was that it was 1-1 in the Hawks game at Anfield. Someone would say they're looking forward to catching up a day after we actually did. And twice I've been out with someone only to have my message that I was on my way arrive after I'd come.

Either I've discovered a tear in the space time continuum or, to use the scientific term, my phone's knackered. And the very thing you always thought you can do without you actually find out you can't.

I may have misheard the saying but .... I've started thinking about text every five seconds.

So here's the joke ....

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making lorry driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.......

.... and just when I was thinking about putting an end to it all, you show up and drink my poison."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Monday, 18 February 2008

One year older but still no wiser

Had a really nice chilled out birthday although was feeling slightly woolly headed this morning due to an evening of birthday pubs and pool.

Decided to sort out official birthday shinanigans in a couple of weeks time when I'll attempt to get everyone in the same place at the same time and cook. It's starting to feel a bit like aligning the planets. Just when you think you've found a date everyone can do someone will pipe up that they can't get a babysitter or are off on holiday or have an urgent appointment washing their hair. There is a real danger I'll be celebrating my 38th by the time all the diaries match but at least I'm trying.

Picked the car up at the weekend and the scratch has gone (hurrah!). I think someone lovely at the garage must have taken pity on me and polished it out. Took the roof off and whizzed down to Dorchester to see the parents - although I have to say the weather wasn't quite as warm as it looked.

Still can't feel my hips.

Footie tonight - looking forward to sticking a couple past the boy Pascoe (TP) and Johnny Cantor and Steve Harris are turning out despite the forecast Siberian temperatures. And more rumblings of a tennis rematch on Thursday so a free take out is almost guaranteed.

Those girls just won't learn.

So here's the joke ...

A millionaire is out driving in his Rolls-Royce when he spots two men on the roadside eating handfuls of grass. The millionaire stops and asks them why.

"We don't have any money for food. Grass is all we can get," says one of the men.

"Then come along with me," says the millionaire. "I'll help you out".

"But I have a wife and two children," says the man.

"Bring them too. And bring your friend here", says the millionaire.

The second man replies, "Thank you sir, but I too have a wife, and six children."

"Then bring them as well," says the millionaire. "You're all coming to my mansion - the more the merrier."

"God bless you for your kind heart," says the first man."

"It's no trouble ...." says the millionaire. "My mower has broken. The grass in my garden must be three foot high".
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Friday, 15 February 2008

That Friday feeling

Quick updates for you ...

Trounced the girls at tennis (although they'll claim they won the first set - it was all part of the elaborate plan by myself and Loz to throw it in order to keep them interested).

Car is ready. Will be reunited with the Blue Peril at the weekend however may not be able to afford any petrol after I get the bill. Am thinking of getting a horse.

Birthday is in chaos due to lack of personal admin and forward planning - will have to think on feet and hope friends are adaptable.

Have lapsed back into pure profit for my local gym not having been for nearly 4 weeks. May have to check I can remember the combination on my padlock for the locker before I go. It all got very embarrassing last time I locked myself out due to lengthy period of absence and my 36 (still) year old memory.

Need to work out why the bike thinks it's a good idea to randomly change gears as and when it feels like it.

Must get round to painting kitchen ceiling.

Have a great weekend.

So here's the joke ...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts down: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well, " says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, " says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Be my Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

It's all a bit daft isn't it? Roses doubling in price overnight, husbands and boyfriends discovering that "nothing" actually meant "something" or that "nothing" actually did mean "nothing - so why on earth did you buy that?"

But I guess if you can see through all the chintz - past all the balloons, the flowers, the oversized, over-pink cards there is something quite special about having someone tell you that you actually mean something to them - and to realise that you've found someone who means something to you.

And if you're single then I reckon it's a time to realise that you are actually doing ok.

And given that you're doing ok AND you're single - I reckon it's time to treat yourself, don't you?

So here's the joke ....

A big-game hunter goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insists on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picks up his rifle ands with his wife close behind, starts to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they finally spot her backed up against a cliff with a huge male lion standing facing her.

The wife cries, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the husband. "The lion got himself into this mess ....."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Birthday cancelled

I've decided to skip my birthday.

My mum phoned me in a panic last night asking me what I'd like for the big day. I replied just a card would be wonderful but despite me being very nearly (with the emphasis on very) 37 my mum, bless her, is still putting in the same effort as she was some three decades ago in the days of her legendary chocolate clock birthday cake (an extravagent affair in which a pair of chocolate finger biscuits would point to the correct age. She did offer to switch to a 24 hour format when I turned thirteen. Even the 24 hour clock can't help me now)

"Wooden puffin?" was option number one.

"Book token? Seagull mobile? Cooking utensil?". The options were endless.

You can never accuse her of a lack of inventiveness in possible present selection stakes (wooden puffin is a new one for even a birthday veteran like me.)

Anyway after a lengthy conversation on the merits of wooden-fish-eating-birdlife I finally managed to convince her just a card would be super.

When I was 10 I remember counting down the months to my birthday and actually marking the days off on the calendar. Now, perhaps due to my age and slight man grumpiness, I actual find myself writing the day off on the calendar.

Oh how times have changed.

There's always next year.

So here's the joke ...

A couple lived in a remote country cottage with no electricity. The wife was about to give birth so they sent for the doctor. The husband waited at the foot of the stairs while the doctor went up to the wife using a candle to light his way. The husband heard a baby crying.

The doctor came down the stairs and said "You have a lovely healthy daughter".

He then lit another candle and went back up the stairs. The husband waited and heard another baby crying. The doctor came down again and said, "Congratulations, you have a lovely healthy son".

The doctor lit another candle and turned to go back up the stairs and the husband said,

"Better leave the candle with me, I think it's the light that's attracting them."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

MOT blues

The garage just phoned.

I kind of knew what was coming due to the time of the call. It's failed.

It's that tricky MOT time of the year and like any expectant father I've done my fair share of pacing for the past few days. It's all small stuff but that kind of makes it even more annoying. Last year it failed on a slightly torn windscreen wiper - this year it's a couple of bulbs and a sticky handbrake. Are the indicators working? Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no ....

Anyway I would have thought having a sticky handbrake would, if anything, have made the car safer due to reduced overall speed - but no - it's a definite fail.

Am slowly realising during my carless week that despite the cost modern life is pretty tricky without one. Trains never seem to go exactly where you want, buses only hang out in 3's and the personal helicopter is still a tad on the pricey side. How on earth did we all live before Mr Mercedes bumped into Mr Benz and Aston met Martin?

I think I'll just stump up for the bulbs.

So here's the joke ....

A chicken is playing in a football match and scores two early goals.

'You're very good,' says the ref. 'Do you train hard?'

'Yes,' replies the chicken. 'but it's not easy, I'm a lawyer so I don't get much free time.'

Hearing this, the ref pulls the red card from his pocket and orders the chicken off the pitch.

'What's the matter?' says the chicken.

'Professional fowl." says the ref.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Monday, 11 February 2008

Forecourt farce

You cannot take your car to the carwash and stay dry.

It's a fact.

No matter how you best aim it it's either splash back from a wrongly angled wing mirror or tide marks up your trousers that have wicked every drop of moisture from the forecourt. I am 36 (perilously close to 37 - we'll address that issue later in the week) and yet I still am unable to get the water on the car and not on me. In every other aspect of my water handling life I can remain bone dry but the minute you hand me a lance and a brush I might as well just roll around in a puddle.

And here's this weekend's cruel twist.

Halfway through some serious pre-MOT soapy action the hose decided to part company with the lance so showering me in a stream of turtle wax enhanced soapy water. I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't just had a shower less than an hour earlier. Although to be fair my skin now has a wonderful shine and a hardened finish but it was the final carwash indignity.

And bless the man in the Nissan Micra who contained his laughter long enough to attempt to help me reconnect hose to lance (which is trickier that it sounds when on).

Anyway have decided to use bucket and sponge from now on. Not for my car - for me - before I drive to the carwash.

So here's the joke ...

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nasty nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory." commented the giraffe.

"Yes." says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Friday, 8 February 2008

New balls please

There's life in the old dog yet.

Apparently Sky Sports are interested. They've got wind of the stunning sporting fixure that was doubles tennis played out at the Southampton Sports Centre last night. Myself and Loz (Herdman) got challenged by Lynchy, Rachel (formerly Radio Solent now South Today) and Hardy, Jemma (former mid morning show producer now executive power player with management) to a gentle game of tennis.

I mean who were they kidding? Gentle?

This was playing for keeps - or as it turned out - playing to see who would foot the bill for the following Indian takeout. (apparently it's what all the professional players do - Virginia Wade went for a Madras - the boy Becker - no sooner had he dropped his arms down from holding the the trophy aloft than he was ordering pilau rice and a garlic naan.)

So there we were - eyeball to eyeball - me and Lozza with the female opposition.

And we demolished them.

I mean - to be fair - we're all pretty ropey but Loz played a blinder and I managed to put them off with my deadly serves. (Just to explain why my serves are so definative in any game. They may play the power card at Wimbledon but I have a talent. A talent which could actually redefine the laws of physics.)

My serves go so slowly that opponents become hypnotised by the ball. You can see their eyes begin to glaze over in wonder as my ball leaves the raquet with a lack of urgency that could turn back time. So slow are my serves that several times I spotted Lynchy actually look at her watch to see what time it would arrive.

Hardy was using her calendar.

But it did the trick and victory was ours. and the curry tasted all the sweeter for it.

Naturally they've challenged us boys to a rematch. We've yet to decide which nation's cuisine we'd like to sample. But I think they may have misunderstood me when I said next week will probably be a Thai .....
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Green lights are go

It must be my age.

I've all of a sudden become obsessed with labels on food. For the first 35 years of my life I didn't care about fat content, country of origin, gda's and saturated fats. For three and a half decades shopping consisted of a straight flat sprint with trolley from car park into store happily chucking everything in, through the tills and back out the door in less than 20 minutes (17 minutes 37 seconds was my all time personal best for the weekly shop - you do that sort of thing when single.)

Now such innocent pleasures are gone.

I'm scarcely in the fruit and veg section before I'm tutting over the back of a packet of green beans having spotted they're the produce of Kenya. I mean I've got nothing against Kenya and to be fair it's got enough troubles at the moment without me disapproving of their greens - but there I am fretting that somehow by supporting it's economy I'm killing the planet.

To be honest I'm not even that fussed about green beans but now every shop has turned into a moral maze. And so something that would have taken mere seconds, now takes minutes and the shop that used to take minutes now drags on for more than an hour. There are traffic lights to be read, percentages to be translated, hidden sugars to find and the latest health scare ingredients to spot.

By the time you've done the vegetables you need a lie down with a damp tea towel on your head.

(fair-trade, organic cotton, naturally)
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Flat pack New Year

Have you ever tried to unflat pack a flat packed Chinese New Year decoration?

Up until last night my answer would have been a definite "no". But in the true spirit of you-have-to-try-everything-legal/moral-once last night I found myself battling with a beautiful, red, tasselled Chinese lantern.

It was one of those times in my life I needed either one more hand or just a few more fingers. No sooner had part A slotted into part C than tab B parted company with hole D which only seemed to encourage part E losing complete interest in J. The whole affair may not have been helped by a small glass or two of red wine but the whole incident brought back memories of me, aged 7, battling with an airfix models with little success.

Obviously I wasn't drinking wine aged 7.

I've never been that good with my hand/eye/finger coordination. Perhaps it's due to the fact I gave up piano prior to Grade 1. If I'd kept up my scales and arpeggios currently I'd be surrounded by perfectly symmetrical Chinese lanterns swaying slightly in the breeze. If I'd stuck with Chopsticks and London's Burning I'd have spent a childhood surrounded by squadrons of Lancaster bombers with both wings standing more than a fighting chance of staying put.

As it happens I didn't - and so my Chinese New Year lantern hangs from my desk at somewhat of a jaunty angle, tab A still parted from slot G and with one tassel looking like the Rat has already been.

Happy New Year.
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Monday, 4 February 2008

First half heroes

Clearly England have been watching Havant and Waterlooville.

Following on from possibly the most exciting 45 minutes of football in my life when the Hawks gave Liverpool the run around - the England Rugby team clearly have been swapping team tactics.

For 40 minutes my dad, my brother and me - together with 81,997 other rugby fans were thinking the Twickenham home record would stand for a few more years. For 40 minutes England seemed to be playing rugby whilst the Welsh seemed to be running in circles. For 40 minutes England seemed to be beating Wales at Twickenham with me there.

Sadly there was a second half.

Fair play to Wales though - we looked as if they'd forgotten how to play and Wales suddenly looked like they remembered.

Legs ache today. Mind once again tricked body into believing it's a professional mountain biker forcing it to go on a 20 mile round trip of the New Forest. Sadly for body - mind, possibly due to lack of oxygen and a protest by the lungs, lost the ability to read a map. Mind thereby forcing body to traverse two ice cold streams/rivers/raging torents to get back on track.

Body was not best pleased.

Mind was too tired to care.

Neither are talking to each other today.

Planning to take both downstairs for a chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea in a bid to make the peace.

Will be taking the lift, obviously.
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.