Super sized me

My car doesn't come with a spare tyre.

Unfortunately it would seem that I now do.

I appear to be showing the first signs of middle aged spread. Am becoming slightly concerned at my body's new found ability to store calories. Previously it's been rubbish at the task and I would pour alcohol in and merrily chuck in the chips without any long term effects.

Now however, after 37 years, it's finally got the knack of hanging on to it.

Personally I blame global warming. Previously my "energy" reserves would see me through the cold winter periods and I'd shiver myself back to the correct body weight in time for Spring. Now however with the overall rise in world temperatures I seem to be shivering less and weighing more.

So before you get into your 4x4. Before you take another transatlantic flight. Before you leave your electric fire on overnight. Think.

Not about the environment.

But about my ever expanding bum.

So here's the joke ...

A man absolutely hates his wife's cat. And on top of it all she insists the cat goes with them on all their holidays. One day, while his wife is doing laundry at the campsite facilities he decides to get rid of him by driving him 5 miles from their campsite and leaving him at a park. As he was getting back to their site, the cat was walking up the driveway to the site. The next day, he decides to drive the cat 15 miles away. He puts the beast out and heads back to the campsite.
As he was pulling into the driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him back. Finally, he decides to drive a 100 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reaches what he thought was a safe distance from the campsite and put out the cat. Hours later, the man calls his wife's mobile phone and asks, "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm lost - I need directions."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website