Bad timing

Timing has never been my strength. In fact thinking about it timing, or a lack of it, has often proved my downfall.

Today is a classic example. The lovely Kate Humble is due in (with Bill Oddie) to talk all things Autumn Watch. The sofa has been moved to Brownsea Island this time round so brace yourself for endless pictures of badgers, flappy things (birds I believe) and anything that dare move and/or look slightly alive.

Anyway - have never met her - but there are some people in life who you just think would be lovely if you ever did meet them. Kate Humble being a fine example. She seems to be the perfect girl to sit and watch a badger with - and to be fair - there aren't many people you can say that about.

The upshot of it is that just as I go she's due in and so like ships of the night we will never meet.

Mind you so far at no point in my life have I had the slightest inclination to sit in the dark on a damp patch of grass watching a fairly small, grey, slightly odd looking hairy thing.

But enough about Bill Oddie.

So here's the joke ...

Shakespeare has had a really hard day at the office. Not only was he trying to get over a small bout of writers block but his new secretary had just advised him she was pregnant and he knew that finding a temp was going to be time consuming and expensive.

As he left the office he should really have gone straight back to his wife, as they had friends coming for dinner, but he needed some down time.

So, to unwind, he drops into his local tavern on his way home. He walks quickly up the bar and says "A jar of your finest mead, please, bartender".

But the Inn Keeper replies "Get out. You're bard."

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Mental Maths time and back to a more straight forward sum for you today. Lots of you liked the twist yesterday so get ready for more of that to come. First though here's today's.


Time for Mental Maths - proving the South can still add up without using a calculator or pen and paper ....

YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 27

add 38
divided by 5
times 4
subtract 17
add 6
take off 21
treble it
and give me 20 percent of that ....

AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 12