OK - so after the whole "if it's not cruel why do the jockeys have whips?" thing was out of the way I did actually enjoy it. What helped was the fact is was a beautiful day and Goodwood on a beautiful day is truly spectacular. And a beautiful day is always helped by a beautiful pint. Everything in moderation, of course.
Granted I came away down on the day but I'd like to think that was a protest at the whipping however it was actually due to my complete lack of knowledge and experimental betting system.
Now whilst some people may rely on form, gate and condition of the horse I decided to judge where my money should go purely on the stable girl leading the nag around the paddock. At this point I have to admit to having to seek permission from Jemma for my rather unique way of picking my bets however once successfully negotiated it proved a very entertaining method.
There were a couple of misunderstandings at my comments about the state of backsides, legs and teeth however for legal reasons I have to point out in each case I was actually talking about the horse itself.
Anyway to cut a very long and uninteresting story short it didn't work. This may come as a shock to but if you don't look at the actual horse you're betting on you're more than likely not to win.
I did win 16 quid on an each way bet which came in third.
It had lovely legs.
(The horse)
So here's the joke ...
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realised that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?
"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
Mrs Lobster was incensed.
"You shellfish bugger."
========================
Mental Maths and all fairly straight forward today. Bumper turn out for the maths lesson but a few of you slipped up so here's the problem.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 7
plus 27
take off 17
add 34
double it
minus 40
halve it
take off 6
divided by 5
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 5
Monday, 13 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
Weekend plans
So that's another week then.
Highlights included my winking research establishing there is no connection between the eye you find it easier to wink with and the hand you write with. Also I'm now on MyFace Spacebook or whatever it's called so have join the Appreciation Society. No idea what happens now but you've got to be in it to win it.
Off to Goodwood for the weekend. Living it up on Saturday and watching the racing on Sunday. Can't say I'm massively into horse racing but it makes a bit of a change, doesn't it? Will no doubt have the usual arguments with the racing fraternity about whips and the question whether they really enjoy running around with a wee man on their backs?
Charlie was banging on about putting something on a nag with a reference to white in it's name. She's convinced it will win.
Although not quite convinced enough to put a tenner on it.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said "Instinct."
==================
Mental Maths time and a clean sweep by class mates on the phones and email today. Sadly a couple of texters got it wrong so here it is ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 40
give me 25 percent of that
times 12
50 percent of that
divided by 5
add 19
minus 24
times itself
treble it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 147
Highlights included my winking research establishing there is no connection between the eye you find it easier to wink with and the hand you write with. Also I'm now on MyFace Spacebook or whatever it's called so have join the Appreciation Society. No idea what happens now but you've got to be in it to win it.
Off to Goodwood for the weekend. Living it up on Saturday and watching the racing on Sunday. Can't say I'm massively into horse racing but it makes a bit of a change, doesn't it? Will no doubt have the usual arguments with the racing fraternity about whips and the question whether they really enjoy running around with a wee man on their backs?
Charlie was banging on about putting something on a nag with a reference to white in it's name. She's convinced it will win.
Although not quite convinced enough to put a tenner on it.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said "Instinct."
==================
Mental Maths time and a clean sweep by class mates on the phones and email today. Sadly a couple of texters got it wrong so here it is ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 40
give me 25 percent of that
times 12
50 percent of that
divided by 5
add 19
minus 24
times itself
treble it
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 147
Thursday, 9 October 2008
It's all coming out now ...
The plot thickens.
Now I've always thought all local councils were short of cash. There are the usual rounds of apologies as Council Tax is put up. The normal rounds of Chief Executives complaining about a lack of government funding. The normal excuses when local services don't their job "if only we had the money we so desperately need ...."
But here's the funny thing.
Now the Icelandic Banking system appears to be up the swanney (correct financial term) organisations have spent today admitting exactly how much money they did have invested in the country's banks. And whilst I have a whole load of sympathy for places such as Naomi House who've been caught up in the madness of world economics my sympathy starts to fail ever so slightly when local councils admit they had millions of pounds stashed away.
Now I have to make it absolutely clear that I'm no accountant and I'm sure there are some very good reasons why a council is putting millions and millions into various Icelandic accounts. And I have to make it absolutely clear I have no idea whatsoever about the ins and outs of local authority funding. I'm sure it's very complicated and beyond a simpleton like me.
But hands up who'll open their council tax bill with a wry smile.
So here's the joke ...
A farmer needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The bank manager who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The bank manager suggests that a vet takes a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbour's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," said the farmer. "They taste kind of chocolatey ...."
==============================
Mental Maths and here's the puzzle from today. Remember no pens or paper. Follow it all in your noggin' and see if you arrive at the answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 8
times 7
plus 19
divided by 5
add 27
divided by 7
times 12
take off 36
and give me two thirds of that ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 24
Now I've always thought all local councils were short of cash. There are the usual rounds of apologies as Council Tax is put up. The normal rounds of Chief Executives complaining about a lack of government funding. The normal excuses when local services don't their job "if only we had the money we so desperately need ...."
But here's the funny thing.
Now the Icelandic Banking system appears to be up the swanney (correct financial term) organisations have spent today admitting exactly how much money they did have invested in the country's banks. And whilst I have a whole load of sympathy for places such as Naomi House who've been caught up in the madness of world economics my sympathy starts to fail ever so slightly when local councils admit they had millions of pounds stashed away.
Now I have to make it absolutely clear that I'm no accountant and I'm sure there are some very good reasons why a council is putting millions and millions into various Icelandic accounts. And I have to make it absolutely clear I have no idea whatsoever about the ins and outs of local authority funding. I'm sure it's very complicated and beyond a simpleton like me.
But hands up who'll open their council tax bill with a wry smile.
So here's the joke ...
A farmer needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The bank manager who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The bank manager suggests that a vet takes a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbour's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," said the farmer. "They taste kind of chocolatey ...."
==============================
Mental Maths and here's the puzzle from today. Remember no pens or paper. Follow it all in your noggin' and see if you arrive at the answer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 8
times 7
plus 19
divided by 5
add 27
divided by 7
times 12
take off 36
and give me two thirds of that ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER .... 24
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
I.O.U.
So Gordon Brown has decided to bail out the banks to the tune of £50 billion.
Now I'm no economic genius and I suppose at times like these you just have to trust the people in charge but it's made me a little bit cross and I'm not sure why.
Perhaps it's because the £50 billion is apparently tax payers money. So a rough calculation is, what, about 30 million people working in the UK? So that's 30 million hopefully paying tax. So 50 billion divided by 30 million is ... er ... 1.6 million pounds?!?!?! Hold on that can't be right. How many 0's in a billion? It's a million, million. So that's 12 0's.
Now please check my maths someone as according to that the government, on my behalf, has just put down 1.6 million pounds of my taxes.
Woh!
A couple of questions spring to mind ....
1) Have I been paying too much tax?
2) Can I pay it back in installments?
3) If it all goes horribly wrong and the banking bail out doesn't work - do I owe someone 1.6 million quid?!
The other question is - if there's now 1.6 million pounds of my own money knocking around the banking system does that mean it's easier for me to borrow a couple of thousand for a basement conversion?
Come to think of it - loan?! What am I talking about - they owe me! I'd like it in 10 pence pieces please - no fifties.
So here's the joke ...
After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job.
The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head.
It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead.
When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is.
"Dunno," says the deacon. "But his face rings a bell."
================================
Mental maths time and unbelievably it all seemed to work today despite me getting the question wrong. Well done if you got it right - here's what happened if you got it wrong.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23
add 38
double it
take away 37
plus 3
add 39
minus 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 100
Now I'm no economic genius and I suppose at times like these you just have to trust the people in charge but it's made me a little bit cross and I'm not sure why.
Perhaps it's because the £50 billion is apparently tax payers money. So a rough calculation is, what, about 30 million people working in the UK? So that's 30 million hopefully paying tax. So 50 billion divided by 30 million is ... er ... 1.6 million pounds?!?!?! Hold on that can't be right. How many 0's in a billion? It's a million, million. So that's 12 0's.
Now please check my maths someone as according to that the government, on my behalf, has just put down 1.6 million pounds of my taxes.
Woh!
A couple of questions spring to mind ....
1) Have I been paying too much tax?
2) Can I pay it back in installments?
3) If it all goes horribly wrong and the banking bail out doesn't work - do I owe someone 1.6 million quid?!
The other question is - if there's now 1.6 million pounds of my own money knocking around the banking system does that mean it's easier for me to borrow a couple of thousand for a basement conversion?
Come to think of it - loan?! What am I talking about - they owe me! I'd like it in 10 pence pieces please - no fifties.
So here's the joke ...
After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job.
The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head.
It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead.
When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is.
"Dunno," says the deacon. "But his face rings a bell."
================================
Mental maths time and unbelievably it all seemed to work today despite me getting the question wrong. Well done if you got it right - here's what happened if you got it wrong.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 23
add 38
double it
take away 37
plus 3
add 39
minus 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 100
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
In the dark
OK so as you know by now Monday night is football night.
Another distinctly average performance which resulted in a solitary goal and not much running around. So I get home thinking I need to make little more of an effort on the pitch ie actually run around more than the absolute bare minimum (although to be fair I am 37).
Anyway I get home and out of nowhere the thought comes "Why don't you go for a run?"
It's half past ten at night, it's pitch black, I am wearing mainly black (no I'm not the ref) and my brain is trying to get my body out for a run!?!?! Am worried this may be a flash of mid life crisis but unbelievably my body went with my brain and off I went.
To be fair I did quite enjoy it but, and this may surprise you, I appeared to be the only runner pounding the streets at 11pm. There are pro's and con's to the late night run. A plus is the lack of traffic at junctions which means less stopping and starting. A minus are the people post pub who tend to weave on the pavements making judging a (low speed) pass quite tricky.
Oh as for the wearing black in the dark whilst running that is a particularly foolish thing to do.
Apologies to the cyclist whom I seemed to take entirely by surprise.
So here's the joke ...
A salesman was driving his car and his boss rang up, and said 'You've been promoted.' He swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." He swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director." And the man crashed as he swerved into a tree.
The policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And he said "I careered off the road."
======================
No mental maths today due to footy coverage. Back tomorrow maths fans.
Another distinctly average performance which resulted in a solitary goal and not much running around. So I get home thinking I need to make little more of an effort on the pitch ie actually run around more than the absolute bare minimum (although to be fair I am 37).
Anyway I get home and out of nowhere the thought comes "Why don't you go for a run?"
It's half past ten at night, it's pitch black, I am wearing mainly black (no I'm not the ref) and my brain is trying to get my body out for a run!?!?! Am worried this may be a flash of mid life crisis but unbelievably my body went with my brain and off I went.
To be fair I did quite enjoy it but, and this may surprise you, I appeared to be the only runner pounding the streets at 11pm. There are pro's and con's to the late night run. A plus is the lack of traffic at junctions which means less stopping and starting. A minus are the people post pub who tend to weave on the pavements making judging a (low speed) pass quite tricky.
Oh as for the wearing black in the dark whilst running that is a particularly foolish thing to do.
Apologies to the cyclist whom I seemed to take entirely by surprise.
So here's the joke ...
A salesman was driving his car and his boss rang up, and said 'You've been promoted.' He swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." He swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director." And the man crashed as he swerved into a tree.
The policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And he said "I careered off the road."
======================
No mental maths today due to footy coverage. Back tomorrow maths fans.
Monday, 6 October 2008
A lesson in perspective
Big things apparently look smaller the further away they are.
It's not new - it's even got a name. Perspective.
However every now and again I forget. And so there I was on Boscombe seafront with surf board surveying the now shifting horizon (that possibly should have been the clue) OK so it was a little bit windy and OK it was a little bit rainy. Perhaps the fact the rain didn't actually land and was travelling horizontally should have been clue 2.
Anyway in I pop skipping through the surf. Wallop! Back I go to the beach. Next I try a slightly more assertive run into the waves. Wallop! Again I arrive back on beach. And so it went on for the next hour. Every time I tried to go out a rather huge wave would quickly assist me back to the beach.
Now I know what you thinking - surely, Jon, that's the basic principal of surfing. You go out and then come back in. However am finally sure one of the rules of surfing is that when you come back you should be on or at least in the near proximity of your board.
I wasn't.
Am walking slightly like John Wayne today but am sure it'll all heal. They may even grow back.
PS Note no mention of my serious man flu condition despite my suffering.
PPS If I make it through will write again soon.
So here's the joke ...
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, £300,000. For a female brain, £100,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
The vet replied "That's because the female brain has actually been used."
=================================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one. Some of you liked it others struggled a bit with all the taking away. And it's nasty numbers for subtraction.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100
Minus 37
Minus 7
Minus 37
Minus 7
Multiplied by 12
Minus 44
Minus 37
Minus 7
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER 56
It's not new - it's even got a name. Perspective.
However every now and again I forget. And so there I was on Boscombe seafront with surf board surveying the now shifting horizon (that possibly should have been the clue) OK so it was a little bit windy and OK it was a little bit rainy. Perhaps the fact the rain didn't actually land and was travelling horizontally should have been clue 2.
Anyway in I pop skipping through the surf. Wallop! Back I go to the beach. Next I try a slightly more assertive run into the waves. Wallop! Again I arrive back on beach. And so it went on for the next hour. Every time I tried to go out a rather huge wave would quickly assist me back to the beach.
Now I know what you thinking - surely, Jon, that's the basic principal of surfing. You go out and then come back in. However am finally sure one of the rules of surfing is that when you come back you should be on or at least in the near proximity of your board.
I wasn't.
Am walking slightly like John Wayne today but am sure it'll all heal. They may even grow back.
PS Note no mention of my serious man flu condition despite my suffering.
PPS If I make it through will write again soon.
So here's the joke ...
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, £300,000. For a female brain, £100,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
The vet replied "That's because the female brain has actually been used."
=================================
Mental Maths and the supply teacher set this one. Some of you liked it others struggled a bit with all the taking away. And it's nasty numbers for subtraction.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS .... 100
Minus 37
Minus 7
Minus 37
Minus 7
Multiplied by 12
Minus 44
Minus 37
Minus 7
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER 56
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Pain in the neck
Today I need to talk to you about the whole man doctor thing.
Suffice to say I am pretty bad at the whole responsible adult thing. Problem is I don't have a huge amount of responsibility in life and get distracted pretty much at or by the drop of a hat. To me the fun stuff seems slightly more important than most of the sensible stuff.
Anyway after what probably is far too long of putting up with headaches, bad nights sleep and general grumpiness I went to see the doctor about my neck. Everything was going fine until he asked me how long I'd had it for. That was when all of a sudden my "fun filled don't worry about the sensible stuff plan" didn't seem that clever.
I felt like a naughty school kid sat on a chair in the headmaster's office. Worse still was the follow up question - why exactly I hadn't come in earlier? And do you know what - I couldn't actually answer it.
Just did my best smile and shrugged. Did the whole comedy Wallace and Grommit I've-just-been-asked-a-tricky-question-that-I-can't-answer face.
Now it's not like my head is about to fall off or anything serious but it was a little bit of a wake up call. Have made a mental note to self to sort things out when they happen and not just keeping putting stuff off because it's easier to do nothing.
Apart from the washing up.
So here's the joke ...
Mummy mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.
Snatching up the child mum ran for the mouse hole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it.
Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat.
The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Mummy mouse turned to her baby and said,
"Now do you see the benefits of learning a foreign language?"
======================
MENTAL MATHS and this one caused a few problems today.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9
times 4
give me a third of that
times a half
times it's self
give me 2 sixths of that
take off 5
times 9
add the digits together ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER ... 9
Suffice to say I am pretty bad at the whole responsible adult thing. Problem is I don't have a huge amount of responsibility in life and get distracted pretty much at or by the drop of a hat. To me the fun stuff seems slightly more important than most of the sensible stuff.
Anyway after what probably is far too long of putting up with headaches, bad nights sleep and general grumpiness I went to see the doctor about my neck. Everything was going fine until he asked me how long I'd had it for. That was when all of a sudden my "fun filled don't worry about the sensible stuff plan" didn't seem that clever.
I felt like a naughty school kid sat on a chair in the headmaster's office. Worse still was the follow up question - why exactly I hadn't come in earlier? And do you know what - I couldn't actually answer it.
Just did my best smile and shrugged. Did the whole comedy Wallace and Grommit I've-just-been-asked-a-tricky-question-that-I-can't-answer face.
Now it's not like my head is about to fall off or anything serious but it was a little bit of a wake up call. Have made a mental note to self to sort things out when they happen and not just keeping putting stuff off because it's easier to do nothing.
Apart from the washing up.
So here's the joke ...
Mummy mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.
Snatching up the child mum ran for the mouse hole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it.
Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat.
The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Mummy mouse turned to her baby and said,
"Now do you see the benefits of learning a foreign language?"
======================
MENTAL MATHS and this one caused a few problems today.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 9
times 4
give me a third of that
times a half
times it's self
give me 2 sixths of that
take off 5
times 9
add the digits together ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL NUMBER ... 9
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