All I'm going to say is ....
Picked up the ball on the halfway line, skipped past one, cutback past another, into the box - one more to beat, faked a left, went to the right - and curved it right to left on the outside of the boot.
Life went into slow motion, for an instant the world held it's breath, the keeper stayed put beguiled by the sheer sporting poetry of the moment as the spinning ball danced into the back of the net.
That was a moment.
That is living.
That, as Lee McKenzie would say, is whadi'mtalkinabooouuuutttt!
(The fact I missed another 4 or 5 absolute sitters and couldn't hit a barn door from 3 paces for the rest of the game and can't quite walk straight today .... well - that kind of spoiled the story).
So here's the joke ....
A husband and wife were sitting out on their back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim leaves a deposit squarely in the middle of the wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouts 'Quick, get some toilet paper.'
'It wouldn't do any good,' replies the husband. 'He's miles away by now.'
====================
Mental Maths time and I promised no fractions today. All fairly straight forward if you had your wits about you. It's just the big subtraction in the middle which threw a few.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 3
times 3
times 3
times 2
times 3
take off 74
divided by 11
times 3
halve it ....
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 12
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Monday, 8 September 2008
I blame the scientists
There I was - having a nice old life, everything bimbling along as it should and now I've been told the world is going to end on Wednesday. I am somewhat cross. Something to do with a bunch of scientists beneath Switzerland and France playing around with atoms and protons and things generally you should leave well alone.
Now I'd like to think I'm a big fan of progress - man's eternal quest for knowledge has brought us many breakthroughs saving countless lives and improving the quality of life for billions. But when there's a tiny ickle chance the next experiment may cause a black hole which would suck us all in, cause the sun to explode and end mankind and the very universe itself I would like to think someone, somewhere will be thinking "Can I just run through the numbers again?"
As my grandad used to say "Measure twice, cut once." In this case he probably would have approved of multiple measuring just to "make sure". Unlike 4x4x2 wood I hear a new galaxy is quite hard to come by. They don't do them at B&Q.
On the upside at least I won't have my mid life crisis.
Every cloud.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there was a wise man called Indian Chief Cheesecake. His was very fond of his desserts. He was a clever and kind man and much loved by his wife. But one stormy night - well into his twilight years - his time comes and he dies peacefully in his sleep.
The next day the villagers gather to discuss plans for his big send off. After much talking it's decided his wife should carry out the duties. All of a sudden one of the elders begins to laugh.
"Why do you laugh old man? Do you wish to disrespect our ancestors?"
"No," says the old man. "But I've just thought .... Squaw bury Cheesecake."
=========================
Mental Maths was really sneaky today. And great news Shifty and Daz in Gosport now have some rival window cleaners in Lymington. Will be keeping scores.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ... 1
divided by 2
times 4
divided by a half
halve that
take away 1
plus 9
times a quarter
take off a half
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 2
Now I'd like to think I'm a big fan of progress - man's eternal quest for knowledge has brought us many breakthroughs saving countless lives and improving the quality of life for billions. But when there's a tiny ickle chance the next experiment may cause a black hole which would suck us all in, cause the sun to explode and end mankind and the very universe itself I would like to think someone, somewhere will be thinking "Can I just run through the numbers again?"
As my grandad used to say "Measure twice, cut once." In this case he probably would have approved of multiple measuring just to "make sure". Unlike 4x4x2 wood I hear a new galaxy is quite hard to come by. They don't do them at B&Q.
On the upside at least I won't have my mid life crisis.
Every cloud.
So here's the joke ...
Once upon a time there was a wise man called Indian Chief Cheesecake. His was very fond of his desserts. He was a clever and kind man and much loved by his wife. But one stormy night - well into his twilight years - his time comes and he dies peacefully in his sleep.
The next day the villagers gather to discuss plans for his big send off. After much talking it's decided his wife should carry out the duties. All of a sudden one of the elders begins to laugh.
"Why do you laugh old man? Do you wish to disrespect our ancestors?"
"No," says the old man. "But I've just thought .... Squaw bury Cheesecake."
=========================
Mental Maths was really sneaky today. And great news Shifty and Daz in Gosport now have some rival window cleaners in Lymington. Will be keeping scores.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY WAS ... 1
divided by 2
times 4
divided by a half
halve that
take away 1
plus 9
times a quarter
take off a half
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 2
Friday, 5 September 2008
I'm still a kid from the 70's
This Internet thing. It is quite good, isn't it?
Having grown up with ZX81's and wobbly ram packs, Commodore 64's and dodgy tape decks and of course ZX Spectrums I can't cease to wonder at the marvel of technology that is the World Wide Web. Now I'm sure that it is used daily by the world's top scientists in a bid to further mankind, cure all illnesses and improve our understanding of why we're all here but .... last night I played pictionary with someone in Denver?
How cool is that!?!??!
I was a bit bored kicking around the house so decided to, I believe they call it, "surf" the net. Find a site that lets you play pictionary online with other people around the world. It was so cool - you get your word, attempt to draw it and everyone else has a go a guessing. Then you join in the global guessing of some, let's be honest, quite shambolic doodling.
Turns out it's quite hard to draw an "oxygen mask" using a mouse but I gave it my best shot. Was more successful with "rain drop", "mountain goat", "green bean" and "railroad" (it's American - you'll have to forgive them).
Now all I need to find is an online version of Mousetrap and my life will be complete.
So here's the joke ...
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like his step-siblings rather than the more regular rabbit hop. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. So when day the little rabbit goes to its squirrel step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was simply ...
"Don't scurry be hoppy."
======================
A slightly sneaky Mental Maths today but it still caught a few of you out. Never altogther comfortable with the whole 17 & 18 thing. Here's the puzzle ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 17
add 18
plus 17
add on 18
plus 17
add 18
add 17
plus 18
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 140
Having grown up with ZX81's and wobbly ram packs, Commodore 64's and dodgy tape decks and of course ZX Spectrums I can't cease to wonder at the marvel of technology that is the World Wide Web. Now I'm sure that it is used daily by the world's top scientists in a bid to further mankind, cure all illnesses and improve our understanding of why we're all here but .... last night I played pictionary with someone in Denver?
How cool is that!?!??!
I was a bit bored kicking around the house so decided to, I believe they call it, "surf" the net. Find a site that lets you play pictionary online with other people around the world. It was so cool - you get your word, attempt to draw it and everyone else has a go a guessing. Then you join in the global guessing of some, let's be honest, quite shambolic doodling.
Turns out it's quite hard to draw an "oxygen mask" using a mouse but I gave it my best shot. Was more successful with "rain drop", "mountain goat", "green bean" and "railroad" (it's American - you'll have to forgive them).
Now all I need to find is an online version of Mousetrap and my life will be complete.
So here's the joke ...
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like his step-siblings rather than the more regular rabbit hop. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. So when day the little rabbit goes to its squirrel step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was simply ...
"Don't scurry be hoppy."
======================
A slightly sneaky Mental Maths today but it still caught a few of you out. Never altogther comfortable with the whole 17 & 18 thing. Here's the puzzle ...
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 17
add 18
plus 17
add on 18
plus 17
add 18
add 17
plus 18
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 140
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Decisions, decisions, decisions
OK - here's the dilemma.
Do I ...
a) Buy a VW campervan - found a beauty ex German police tintop needs a respray but solid as a rock. At the moment it's very orange but new wheels and new paint and it would look fantastic.
b) Do up my bathroom - original intention of funds was to do bathroom following kitchen. Bathroom alrightish at the moment but could do with a tart up.
c) Move house - seen a place for sale with a proper garden that I can't just about afford if I'm good and never drink or eat out again (am ignoring any alleged credit crunch)
I can only do one - but which one. Any help appreciated. Decisions, decisions, decisions ....
Answers of a postcard to ....
So here's the joke ...
A man, preparing for what could be a lengthy divorce case, is researching potential costs. He walks into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty pounds for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question."
======================
Mental Maths time and a bumper attendance in class today. Just a shame I had to hand out so many detentions. See you tomorrow at 11.15am sharp.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 2
double it
times itself
take off 2
double it
double that
take off 7
double it
double that
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER - 196
Do I ...
a) Buy a VW campervan - found a beauty ex German police tintop needs a respray but solid as a rock. At the moment it's very orange but new wheels and new paint and it would look fantastic.
b) Do up my bathroom - original intention of funds was to do bathroom following kitchen. Bathroom alrightish at the moment but could do with a tart up.
c) Move house - seen a place for sale with a proper garden that I can't just about afford if I'm good and never drink or eat out again (am ignoring any alleged credit crunch)
I can only do one - but which one. Any help appreciated. Decisions, decisions, decisions ....
Answers of a postcard to ....
So here's the joke ...
A man, preparing for what could be a lengthy divorce case, is researching potential costs. He walks into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty pounds for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question."
======================
Mental Maths time and a bumper attendance in class today. Just a shame I had to hand out so many detentions. See you tomorrow at 11.15am sharp.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 2
double it
times itself
take off 2
double it
double that
take off 7
double it
double that
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER - 196
Wonky axle and the DVD
Granted it does sound like the latest Indie Band all the kids are listening to but in reality it is just an accurate description of last night's activities.
As you may have worked out I haven't quite cracked the whole wobbly wheel problem on the bike (I may have to put on hold my application form to be part of Lance Armstrong's pit crew) but it did actually get me home. Granted I felt a bit like Coco the Clown (all I needed was the squirty flower but, despite a mild sense of nausea from it's wonkiness, it got me home.
Back to the workshop today.
I went crazy when shopping last night and bought 3, that's right 3, DVD's. Three quid each it was a case of what haven't I seen. One of the 3 - The Constant Gardener - I watched last night. Cracking film but was left slightly confused at the end. What was the significance of the lake? It began and ended at the lake - any reason? And how did they know he'd be at the lake at the end?
Answers on a postcard please.
So here's the joke ...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2am in the morning. The wife picks up the phone listens a moment and says, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
She hangs up.
"Who was that?" says the husband.
The wife says, "I don't know. It was a woman. She wanted to know if the coast was clear."
============================
Mental Maths time and sorry about the slight hiccup with the text system today. It's all been fixed but it was a bit of a let off for some of you as it was quite a brain fryer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 7
add 27
take away 17
minus 7
add 27
take away 8
add on 18
take away 8
add 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 66
As you may have worked out I haven't quite cracked the whole wobbly wheel problem on the bike (I may have to put on hold my application form to be part of Lance Armstrong's pit crew) but it did actually get me home. Granted I felt a bit like Coco the Clown (all I needed was the squirty flower but, despite a mild sense of nausea from it's wonkiness, it got me home.
Back to the workshop today.
I went crazy when shopping last night and bought 3, that's right 3, DVD's. Three quid each it was a case of what haven't I seen. One of the 3 - The Constant Gardener - I watched last night. Cracking film but was left slightly confused at the end. What was the significance of the lake? It began and ended at the lake - any reason? And how did they know he'd be at the lake at the end?
Answers on a postcard please.
So here's the joke ...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2am in the morning. The wife picks up the phone listens a moment and says, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
She hangs up.
"Who was that?" says the husband.
The wife says, "I don't know. It was a woman. She wanted to know if the coast was clear."
============================
Mental Maths time and sorry about the slight hiccup with the text system today. It's all been fixed but it was a bit of a let off for some of you as it was quite a brain fryer.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ... 7
add 27
take away 17
minus 7
add 27
take away 8
add on 18
take away 8
add 27
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER ... 66
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
For heaven's sake ...
.. I am 37 years old and I am still rubbish at anything involving a spanner and or torque wrench. How can this happen? Was there a day I missed when all of a sudden, as a man, I wake up with the ability to strip anything in the dark (steady), grease, oil and reassemble?
Clearly that day has yet to happen as it is now nearly week 2 of the long running saga "Jon attempts to fix his bike."
Wow you're probably thinking - not surprised he's struggling - he'd need to be some sort of gifted mechanic to work on a motorbike .... If only - it happens that my push bike - yes the basic invention from the 1800's has developed a wonky wheel. However it also happens that the stupic invention from the 1800's has beaten me.
I've taken the rear wheel apart (easy), grease it up all (love the smell of tubs of grease) but am now struggling in the final - and some would say equally important part - of reassembling said rear wheel. It's got the stage now that it's too embarrassing to ask any more people to help. My only solution so far is to learn how to do a front wheelie thus enabling me to continue to use said stupid, poorly thought out, ridiculously illogically manufactured bike.
Stupid bike. Stupid Jon.
You decide.
So here's the joke ...
Young James, moved to Lymington and bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
James replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
James said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
James said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
James said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey ?"
James said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'"
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Only the person who won. I have him his money back."
============================
Mental Maths time and here's the solution to today's problem. Lots of right answers but a fair few in detention today. More Mental Maths tomorrow at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ..... 8
times itself
take off 15
divided by 7
plus 16
times 3
take off 30
divided by 3
times 4
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 52
Clearly that day has yet to happen as it is now nearly week 2 of the long running saga "Jon attempts to fix his bike."
Wow you're probably thinking - not surprised he's struggling - he'd need to be some sort of gifted mechanic to work on a motorbike .... If only - it happens that my push bike - yes the basic invention from the 1800's has developed a wonky wheel. However it also happens that the stupic invention from the 1800's has beaten me.
I've taken the rear wheel apart (easy), grease it up all (love the smell of tubs of grease) but am now struggling in the final - and some would say equally important part - of reassembling said rear wheel. It's got the stage now that it's too embarrassing to ask any more people to help. My only solution so far is to learn how to do a front wheelie thus enabling me to continue to use said stupid, poorly thought out, ridiculously illogically manufactured bike.
Stupid bike. Stupid Jon.
You decide.
So here's the joke ...
Young James, moved to Lymington and bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
James replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
James said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
James said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
James said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey ?"
James said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'"
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Only the person who won. I have him his money back."
============================
Mental Maths time and here's the solution to today's problem. Lots of right answers but a fair few in detention today. More Mental Maths tomorrow at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS ..... 8
times itself
take off 15
divided by 7
plus 16
times 3
take off 30
divided by 3
times 4
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER .... 52
Monday, 1 September 2008
Hurrah!
Summer is officially over. It is now Autumn. Soon be Christmas.
Had a super holiday down in the South of France. It is truly beautiful. Very - er - French. It was one of those vineyard-next-door-baguettes-down-the-lane jobs. Ended up in a 200 year old farmhouse with a pool in the middle of nowhere. St Tropez was a quick hop over the mountains.
Found out a couple of things. I actually like driving on the other side of the road. Never done it before. Did a couple of comedy window adjustments instead of gear changes and visa versa and of course got in the passenger seat a couple of times despite being the driver. Roundabouts were a huge novelty. Felt slightly naughty about driving the wrong (or in the French case) the right way around them. All very exciting. And much quicker if you want to turn right.
The other thing I discovered was that I'm loving the French. I mean I've never had a problem with the French before - but I didn't really get them. Now I do. I want to be French. Zut Alors! I think it's the chilled out nature of Farmhouse living which appeals so much. That and the cheese. And popping next door to the local chateau seems somehow more romantic than a trip to the local branch of Thresher.
Also had an amazing time on the car front. Where we stayed there was a large barn full, and I mean full, of some beautiful old forgotten cars. Peugots, Renaults, Citroen. Also out front was something that look a bit like a VW camper that had been washed too hot. Will stick some pics up but it was super cool. Had samba roof windows and a three way stable door at the back. A bit of research found out it was a Renault Estafette. Big in the 60's and 70's. Very cool - got lots of character - sadly not the HP. But could it give the VW a run for it's money in a few years? Anyway if you know anymore let me know.
Speak soon.
So here's the joke ...
Little Johnny is talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each is bragging about how fast their fathers are.
The first one says, 'My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and get to the target before it hits!'
The second one says, 'You think that's fast? My father's a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!'
And then Johnny stands up and says "That's nothing. My dad works for the council. He leaves work at 5pm and gets back at 4.30pm."
======================
It's back - Mental Maths. If you went wrong today here it is. Remember your lines and if you want to take part see you at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS 4 ...
Multiply by 12
Divide by 2
Three quarters of that number
Double it
Take off 17
Times 10
Take off 95
Minus 45
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER (50)
Had a super holiday down in the South of France. It is truly beautiful. Very - er - French. It was one of those vineyard-next-door-baguettes-down-the-lane jobs. Ended up in a 200 year old farmhouse with a pool in the middle of nowhere. St Tropez was a quick hop over the mountains.
Found out a couple of things. I actually like driving on the other side of the road. Never done it before. Did a couple of comedy window adjustments instead of gear changes and visa versa and of course got in the passenger seat a couple of times despite being the driver. Roundabouts were a huge novelty. Felt slightly naughty about driving the wrong (or in the French case) the right way around them. All very exciting. And much quicker if you want to turn right.
The other thing I discovered was that I'm loving the French. I mean I've never had a problem with the French before - but I didn't really get them. Now I do. I want to be French. Zut Alors! I think it's the chilled out nature of Farmhouse living which appeals so much. That and the cheese. And popping next door to the local chateau seems somehow more romantic than a trip to the local branch of Thresher.
Also had an amazing time on the car front. Where we stayed there was a large barn full, and I mean full, of some beautiful old forgotten cars. Peugots, Renaults, Citroen. Also out front was something that look a bit like a VW camper that had been washed too hot. Will stick some pics up but it was super cool. Had samba roof windows and a three way stable door at the back. A bit of research found out it was a Renault Estafette. Big in the 60's and 70's. Very cool - got lots of character - sadly not the HP. But could it give the VW a run for it's money in a few years? Anyway if you know anymore let me know.
Speak soon.
So here's the joke ...
Little Johnny is talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each is bragging about how fast their fathers are.
The first one says, 'My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and get to the target before it hits!'
The second one says, 'You think that's fast? My father's a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!'
And then Johnny stands up and says "That's nothing. My dad works for the council. He leaves work at 5pm and gets back at 4.30pm."
======================
It's back - Mental Maths. If you went wrong today here it is. Remember your lines and if you want to take part see you at 11.15am on the show.
YOUR STARTING NUMBER TODAY IS 4 ...
Multiply by 12
Divide by 2
Three quarters of that number
Double it
Take off 17
Times 10
Take off 95
Minus 45
AND THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER (50)
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