I've decided to skip my birthday.
My mum phoned me in a panic last night asking me what I'd like for the big day. I replied just a card would be wonderful but despite me being very nearly (with the emphasis on very) 37 my mum, bless her, is still putting in the same effort as she was some three decades ago in the days of her legendary chocolate clock birthday cake (an extravagent affair in which a pair of chocolate finger biscuits would point to the correct age. She did offer to switch to a 24 hour format when I turned thirteen. Even the 24 hour clock can't help me now)
"Wooden puffin?" was option number one.
"Book token? Seagull mobile? Cooking utensil?". The options were endless.
You can never accuse her of a lack of inventiveness in possible present selection stakes (wooden puffin is a new one for even a birthday veteran like me.)
Anyway after a lengthy conversation on the merits of wooden-fish-eating-birdlife I finally managed to convince her just a card would be super.
When I was 10 I remember counting down the months to my birthday and actually marking the days off on the calendar. Now, perhaps due to my age and slight man grumpiness, I actual find myself writing the day off on the calendar.
Oh how times have changed.
There's always next year.
So here's the joke ...
A couple lived in a remote country cottage with no electricity. The wife was about to give birth so they sent for the doctor. The husband waited at the foot of the stairs while the doctor went up to the wife using a candle to light his way. The husband heard a baby crying.
The doctor came down the stairs and said "You have a lovely healthy daughter".
He then lit another candle and went back up the stairs. The husband waited and heard another baby crying. The doctor came down again and said, "Congratulations, you have a lovely healthy son".
The doctor lit another candle and turned to go back up the stairs and the husband said,
"Better leave the candle with me, I think it's the light that's attracting them."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
MOT blues
The garage just phoned.
I kind of knew what was coming due to the time of the call. It's failed.
It's that tricky MOT time of the year and like any expectant father I've done my fair share of pacing for the past few days. It's all small stuff but that kind of makes it even more annoying. Last year it failed on a slightly torn windscreen wiper - this year it's a couple of bulbs and a sticky handbrake. Are the indicators working? Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no ....
Anyway I would have thought having a sticky handbrake would, if anything, have made the car safer due to reduced overall speed - but no - it's a definite fail.
Am slowly realising during my carless week that despite the cost modern life is pretty tricky without one. Trains never seem to go exactly where you want, buses only hang out in 3's and the personal helicopter is still a tad on the pricey side. How on earth did we all live before Mr Mercedes bumped into Mr Benz and Aston met Martin?
I think I'll just stump up for the bulbs.
So here's the joke ....
A chicken is playing in a football match and scores two early goals.
'You're very good,' says the ref. 'Do you train hard?'
'Yes,' replies the chicken. 'but it's not easy, I'm a lawyer so I don't get much free time.'
Hearing this, the ref pulls the red card from his pocket and orders the chicken off the pitch.
'What's the matter?' says the chicken.
'Professional fowl." says the ref.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
I kind of knew what was coming due to the time of the call. It's failed.
It's that tricky MOT time of the year and like any expectant father I've done my fair share of pacing for the past few days. It's all small stuff but that kind of makes it even more annoying. Last year it failed on a slightly torn windscreen wiper - this year it's a couple of bulbs and a sticky handbrake. Are the indicators working? Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no ....
Anyway I would have thought having a sticky handbrake would, if anything, have made the car safer due to reduced overall speed - but no - it's a definite fail.
Am slowly realising during my carless week that despite the cost modern life is pretty tricky without one. Trains never seem to go exactly where you want, buses only hang out in 3's and the personal helicopter is still a tad on the pricey side. How on earth did we all live before Mr Mercedes bumped into Mr Benz and Aston met Martin?
I think I'll just stump up for the bulbs.
So here's the joke ....
A chicken is playing in a football match and scores two early goals.
'You're very good,' says the ref. 'Do you train hard?'
'Yes,' replies the chicken. 'but it's not easy, I'm a lawyer so I don't get much free time.'
Hearing this, the ref pulls the red card from his pocket and orders the chicken off the pitch.
'What's the matter?' says the chicken.
'Professional fowl." says the ref.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Forecourt farce
You cannot take your car to the carwash and stay dry.
It's a fact.
No matter how you best aim it it's either splash back from a wrongly angled wing mirror or tide marks up your trousers that have wicked every drop of moisture from the forecourt. I am 36 (perilously close to 37 - we'll address that issue later in the week) and yet I still am unable to get the water on the car and not on me. In every other aspect of my water handling life I can remain bone dry but the minute you hand me a lance and a brush I might as well just roll around in a puddle.
And here's this weekend's cruel twist.
Halfway through some serious pre-MOT soapy action the hose decided to part company with the lance so showering me in a stream of turtle wax enhanced soapy water. I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't just had a shower less than an hour earlier. Although to be fair my skin now has a wonderful shine and a hardened finish but it was the final carwash indignity.
And bless the man in the Nissan Micra who contained his laughter long enough to attempt to help me reconnect hose to lance (which is trickier that it sounds when on).
Anyway have decided to use bucket and sponge from now on. Not for my car - for me - before I drive to the carwash.
So here's the joke ...
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nasty nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory." commented the giraffe.
"Yes." says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
It's a fact.
No matter how you best aim it it's either splash back from a wrongly angled wing mirror or tide marks up your trousers that have wicked every drop of moisture from the forecourt. I am 36 (perilously close to 37 - we'll address that issue later in the week) and yet I still am unable to get the water on the car and not on me. In every other aspect of my water handling life I can remain bone dry but the minute you hand me a lance and a brush I might as well just roll around in a puddle.
And here's this weekend's cruel twist.
Halfway through some serious pre-MOT soapy action the hose decided to part company with the lance so showering me in a stream of turtle wax enhanced soapy water. I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't just had a shower less than an hour earlier. Although to be fair my skin now has a wonderful shine and a hardened finish but it was the final carwash indignity.
And bless the man in the Nissan Micra who contained his laughter long enough to attempt to help me reconnect hose to lance (which is trickier that it sounds when on).
Anyway have decided to use bucket and sponge from now on. Not for my car - for me - before I drive to the carwash.
So here's the joke ...
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nasty nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory." commented the giraffe.
"Yes." says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Friday, 8 February 2008
New balls please
There's life in the old dog yet.
Apparently Sky Sports are interested. They've got wind of the stunning sporting fixure that was doubles tennis played out at the Southampton Sports Centre last night. Myself and Loz (Herdman) got challenged by Lynchy, Rachel (formerly Radio Solent now South Today) and Hardy, Jemma (former mid morning show producer now executive power player with management) to a gentle game of tennis.
I mean who were they kidding? Gentle?
This was playing for keeps - or as it turned out - playing to see who would foot the bill for the following Indian takeout. (apparently it's what all the professional players do - Virginia Wade went for a Madras - the boy Becker - no sooner had he dropped his arms down from holding the the trophy aloft than he was ordering pilau rice and a garlic naan.)
So there we were - eyeball to eyeball - me and Lozza with the female opposition.
And we demolished them.
I mean - to be fair - we're all pretty ropey but Loz played a blinder and I managed to put them off with my deadly serves. (Just to explain why my serves are so definative in any game. They may play the power card at Wimbledon but I have a talent. A talent which could actually redefine the laws of physics.)
My serves go so slowly that opponents become hypnotised by the ball. You can see their eyes begin to glaze over in wonder as my ball leaves the raquet with a lack of urgency that could turn back time. So slow are my serves that several times I spotted Lynchy actually look at her watch to see what time it would arrive.
Hardy was using her calendar.
But it did the trick and victory was ours. and the curry tasted all the sweeter for it.
Naturally they've challenged us boys to a rematch. We've yet to decide which nation's cuisine we'd like to sample. But I think they may have misunderstood me when I said next week will probably be a Thai .....
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Apparently Sky Sports are interested. They've got wind of the stunning sporting fixure that was doubles tennis played out at the Southampton Sports Centre last night. Myself and Loz (Herdman) got challenged by Lynchy, Rachel (formerly Radio Solent now South Today) and Hardy, Jemma (former mid morning show producer now executive power player with management) to a gentle game of tennis.
I mean who were they kidding? Gentle?
This was playing for keeps - or as it turned out - playing to see who would foot the bill for the following Indian takeout. (apparently it's what all the professional players do - Virginia Wade went for a Madras - the boy Becker - no sooner had he dropped his arms down from holding the the trophy aloft than he was ordering pilau rice and a garlic naan.)
So there we were - eyeball to eyeball - me and Lozza with the female opposition.
And we demolished them.
I mean - to be fair - we're all pretty ropey but Loz played a blinder and I managed to put them off with my deadly serves. (Just to explain why my serves are so definative in any game. They may play the power card at Wimbledon but I have a talent. A talent which could actually redefine the laws of physics.)
My serves go so slowly that opponents become hypnotised by the ball. You can see their eyes begin to glaze over in wonder as my ball leaves the raquet with a lack of urgency that could turn back time. So slow are my serves that several times I spotted Lynchy actually look at her watch to see what time it would arrive.
Hardy was using her calendar.
But it did the trick and victory was ours. and the curry tasted all the sweeter for it.
Naturally they've challenged us boys to a rematch. We've yet to decide which nation's cuisine we'd like to sample. But I think they may have misunderstood me when I said next week will probably be a Thai .....
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Thursday, 7 February 2008
Green lights are go
It must be my age.
I've all of a sudden become obsessed with labels on food. For the first 35 years of my life I didn't care about fat content, country of origin, gda's and saturated fats. For three and a half decades shopping consisted of a straight flat sprint with trolley from car park into store happily chucking everything in, through the tills and back out the door in less than 20 minutes (17 minutes 37 seconds was my all time personal best for the weekly shop - you do that sort of thing when single.)
Now such innocent pleasures are gone.
I'm scarcely in the fruit and veg section before I'm tutting over the back of a packet of green beans having spotted they're the produce of Kenya. I mean I've got nothing against Kenya and to be fair it's got enough troubles at the moment without me disapproving of their greens - but there I am fretting that somehow by supporting it's economy I'm killing the planet.
To be honest I'm not even that fussed about green beans but now every shop has turned into a moral maze. And so something that would have taken mere seconds, now takes minutes and the shop that used to take minutes now drags on for more than an hour. There are traffic lights to be read, percentages to be translated, hidden sugars to find and the latest health scare ingredients to spot.
By the time you've done the vegetables you need a lie down with a damp tea towel on your head.
(fair-trade, organic cotton, naturally)
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
I've all of a sudden become obsessed with labels on food. For the first 35 years of my life I didn't care about fat content, country of origin, gda's and saturated fats. For three and a half decades shopping consisted of a straight flat sprint with trolley from car park into store happily chucking everything in, through the tills and back out the door in less than 20 minutes (17 minutes 37 seconds was my all time personal best for the weekly shop - you do that sort of thing when single.)
Now such innocent pleasures are gone.
I'm scarcely in the fruit and veg section before I'm tutting over the back of a packet of green beans having spotted they're the produce of Kenya. I mean I've got nothing against Kenya and to be fair it's got enough troubles at the moment without me disapproving of their greens - but there I am fretting that somehow by supporting it's economy I'm killing the planet.
To be honest I'm not even that fussed about green beans but now every shop has turned into a moral maze. And so something that would have taken mere seconds, now takes minutes and the shop that used to take minutes now drags on for more than an hour. There are traffic lights to be read, percentages to be translated, hidden sugars to find and the latest health scare ingredients to spot.
By the time you've done the vegetables you need a lie down with a damp tea towel on your head.
(fair-trade, organic cotton, naturally)
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Flat pack New Year
Have you ever tried to unflat pack a flat packed Chinese New Year decoration?
Up until last night my answer would have been a definite "no". But in the true spirit of you-have-to-try-everything-legal/moral-once last night I found myself battling with a beautiful, red, tasselled Chinese lantern.
It was one of those times in my life I needed either one more hand or just a few more fingers. No sooner had part A slotted into part C than tab B parted company with hole D which only seemed to encourage part E losing complete interest in J. The whole affair may not have been helped by a small glass or two of red wine but the whole incident brought back memories of me, aged 7, battling with an airfix models with little success.
Obviously I wasn't drinking wine aged 7.
I've never been that good with my hand/eye/finger coordination. Perhaps it's due to the fact I gave up piano prior to Grade 1. If I'd kept up my scales and arpeggios currently I'd be surrounded by perfectly symmetrical Chinese lanterns swaying slightly in the breeze. If I'd stuck with Chopsticks and London's Burning I'd have spent a childhood surrounded by squadrons of Lancaster bombers with both wings standing more than a fighting chance of staying put.
As it happens I didn't - and so my Chinese New Year lantern hangs from my desk at somewhat of a jaunty angle, tab A still parted from slot G and with one tassel looking like the Rat has already been.
Happy New Year.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Up until last night my answer would have been a definite "no". But in the true spirit of you-have-to-try-everything-legal/moral-once last night I found myself battling with a beautiful, red, tasselled Chinese lantern.
It was one of those times in my life I needed either one more hand or just a few more fingers. No sooner had part A slotted into part C than tab B parted company with hole D which only seemed to encourage part E losing complete interest in J. The whole affair may not have been helped by a small glass or two of red wine but the whole incident brought back memories of me, aged 7, battling with an airfix models with little success.
Obviously I wasn't drinking wine aged 7.
I've never been that good with my hand/eye/finger coordination. Perhaps it's due to the fact I gave up piano prior to Grade 1. If I'd kept up my scales and arpeggios currently I'd be surrounded by perfectly symmetrical Chinese lanterns swaying slightly in the breeze. If I'd stuck with Chopsticks and London's Burning I'd have spent a childhood surrounded by squadrons of Lancaster bombers with both wings standing more than a fighting chance of staying put.
As it happens I didn't - and so my Chinese New Year lantern hangs from my desk at somewhat of a jaunty angle, tab A still parted from slot G and with one tassel looking like the Rat has already been.
Happy New Year.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Monday, 4 February 2008
First half heroes
Clearly England have been watching Havant and Waterlooville.
Following on from possibly the most exciting 45 minutes of football in my life when the Hawks gave Liverpool the run around - the England Rugby team clearly have been swapping team tactics.
For 40 minutes my dad, my brother and me - together with 81,997 other rugby fans were thinking the Twickenham home record would stand for a few more years. For 40 minutes England seemed to be playing rugby whilst the Welsh seemed to be running in circles. For 40 minutes England seemed to be beating Wales at Twickenham with me there.
Sadly there was a second half.
Fair play to Wales though - we looked as if they'd forgotten how to play and Wales suddenly looked like they remembered.
Legs ache today. Mind once again tricked body into believing it's a professional mountain biker forcing it to go on a 20 mile round trip of the New Forest. Sadly for body - mind, possibly due to lack of oxygen and a protest by the lungs, lost the ability to read a map. Mind thereby forcing body to traverse two ice cold streams/rivers/raging torents to get back on track.
Body was not best pleased.
Mind was too tired to care.
Neither are talking to each other today.
Planning to take both downstairs for a chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea in a bid to make the peace.
Will be taking the lift, obviously.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
Following on from possibly the most exciting 45 minutes of football in my life when the Hawks gave Liverpool the run around - the England Rugby team clearly have been swapping team tactics.
For 40 minutes my dad, my brother and me - together with 81,997 other rugby fans were thinking the Twickenham home record would stand for a few more years. For 40 minutes England seemed to be playing rugby whilst the Welsh seemed to be running in circles. For 40 minutes England seemed to be beating Wales at Twickenham with me there.
Sadly there was a second half.
Fair play to Wales though - we looked as if they'd forgotten how to play and Wales suddenly looked like they remembered.
Legs ache today. Mind once again tricked body into believing it's a professional mountain biker forcing it to go on a 20 mile round trip of the New Forest. Sadly for body - mind, possibly due to lack of oxygen and a protest by the lungs, lost the ability to read a map. Mind thereby forcing body to traverse two ice cold streams/rivers/raging torents to get back on track.
Body was not best pleased.
Mind was too tired to care.
Neither are talking to each other today.
Planning to take both downstairs for a chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea in a bid to make the peace.
Will be taking the lift, obviously.
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.
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