Holiday time

Just had my end of year leave approved which means I'm off for 3 weeks next Friday!

To be honest I wasn't entirely expecting for it to all go through which has thrown me into holiday chaos. It means it's time to do some hasty planning as 3 weeks is far too long to be sat about at home for and I'm refusing to do any DIY this time round. Unless I take drastic action there is the distinct possibility of the kitchen ceiling actually being painted.

Luckily the car cost a fortune to service last week which has resulted in setting my sights slightly lower in terms of exotic destinations. Totton rather than Tenerife, Bournemouth instead of the Bahamas but saying that anywhere that isn't home is a holiday. Will get the map out over a glass of something tonight and see where's worth a visit.

Failing that - will use the trusted method of map, dart and blindfold.

Never fails.

Apart from once - but that was a pure accident ....

So here's the joke ...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to him ....

"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

If I was in Snow White I'd be ...

... Grumpy.

Have decided urgent action is needed on the spare tyre front and so have just returned from an enormous lunch of 1 banana and 1 avocado. I mean don't get me wrong - I'm not about to go on a crash diet but I think the time may have come for me to a) eat less and b) do more (the boss has been saying that for ages.)

As a creature of habit I don't actually mind doing a bit of exercise - infact I quite enjoy it. But it's just the thought of it which always proves worse than it actually is. A bit like the dentist. Actually no - scrub that - a bit like everything apart from the dentist (sorry Clive, nothing personal).

Anyway am now on a serious health kick. Back to the gym, back to the running and perhaps back to be able to seeing all of my feet all of the time. Have even brought one of those machines which tell you how much water/fat you're made up of. No idea how it does it - something to do with electric currents and resistance but will now include regular scores on blog in a kind of Adrian Molesque sort of way.

Body currently composed of ....

46 percent BBC coffee
17 percent red wine
16 percent biscuits
15 percent that chocolate which comes in 2 sticks
3 percent banana
2 percent avocado
1 percent willpower

So here's the joke ...

An explorer comes across a pygmy standing next to a dead elephant. "Did you kill this beast?" asks the explorer.

"Yes" replies the pygmy.

"What did you use?" asks the explorer.

"A big club" replies the pygmy.

"That must have been an enormous club." says the explorer ...

"Yes," says the pygmy, "we've got about 400 members."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Super sized me

My car doesn't come with a spare tyre.

Unfortunately it would seem that I now do.

I appear to be showing the first signs of middle aged spread. Am becoming slightly concerned at my body's new found ability to store calories. Previously it's been rubbish at the task and I would pour alcohol in and merrily chuck in the chips without any long term effects.

Now however, after 37 years, it's finally got the knack of hanging on to it.

Personally I blame global warming. Previously my "energy" reserves would see me through the cold winter periods and I'd shiver myself back to the correct body weight in time for Spring. Now however with the overall rise in world temperatures I seem to be shivering less and weighing more.

So before you get into your 4x4. Before you take another transatlantic flight. Before you leave your electric fire on overnight. Think.

Not about the environment.

But about my ever expanding bum.

So here's the joke ...

A man absolutely hates his wife's cat. And on top of it all she insists the cat goes with them on all their holidays. One day, while his wife is doing laundry at the campsite facilities he decides to get rid of him by driving him 5 miles from their campsite and leaving him at a park. As he was getting back to their site, the cat was walking up the driveway to the site. The next day, he decides to drive the cat 15 miles away. He puts the beast out and heads back to the campsite.
As he was pulling into the driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him back. Finally, he decides to drive a 100 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reaches what he thought was a safe distance from the campsite and put out the cat. Hours later, the man calls his wife's mobile phone and asks, "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm lost - I need directions."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

Phones for who?

For the past three weeks I've been in mobile hell.

I know what you're going to say - we all managed perfectly well before they were invented ... we all managed to live busy and fulfilling lives without them ... we all used to take 10p out with us for emergencies and were never too far away from a phone box.

But the world has changed and when you've got a phone that's fighting back life can prove quite tricky.

It all began last month when texts began to mysteriously take their time to arrive. Messages came through at 2am in the morning telling me how exciting it was that it was 1-1 in the Hawks game at Anfield. Someone would say they're looking forward to catching up a day after we actually did. And twice I've been out with someone only to have my message that I was on my way arrive after I'd come.

Either I've discovered a tear in the space time continuum or, to use the scientific term, my phone's knackered. And the very thing you always thought you can do without you actually find out you can't.

I may have misheard the saying but .... I've started thinking about text every five seconds.

So here's the joke ....

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making lorry driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.......

.... and just when I was thinking about putting an end to it all, you show up and drink my poison."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

One year older but still no wiser

Had a really nice chilled out birthday although was feeling slightly woolly headed this morning due to an evening of birthday pubs and pool.

Decided to sort out official birthday shinanigans in a couple of weeks time when I'll attempt to get everyone in the same place at the same time and cook. It's starting to feel a bit like aligning the planets. Just when you think you've found a date everyone can do someone will pipe up that they can't get a babysitter or are off on holiday or have an urgent appointment washing their hair. There is a real danger I'll be celebrating my 38th by the time all the diaries match but at least I'm trying.

Picked the car up at the weekend and the scratch has gone (hurrah!). I think someone lovely at the garage must have taken pity on me and polished it out. Took the roof off and whizzed down to Dorchester to see the parents - although I have to say the weather wasn't quite as warm as it looked.

Still can't feel my hips.

Footie tonight - looking forward to sticking a couple past the boy Pascoe (TP) and Johnny Cantor and Steve Harris are turning out despite the forecast Siberian temperatures. And more rumblings of a tennis rematch on Thursday so a free take out is almost guaranteed.

Those girls just won't learn.

So here's the joke ...

A millionaire is out driving in his Rolls-Royce when he spots two men on the roadside eating handfuls of grass. The millionaire stops and asks them why.

"We don't have any money for food. Grass is all we can get," says one of the men.

"Then come along with me," says the millionaire. "I'll help you out".

"But I have a wife and two children," says the man.

"Bring them too. And bring your friend here", says the millionaire.

The second man replies, "Thank you sir, but I too have a wife, and six children."

"Then bring them as well," says the millionaire. "You're all coming to my mansion - the more the merrier."

"God bless you for your kind heart," says the first man."

"It's no trouble ...." says the millionaire. "My mower has broken. The grass in my garden must be three foot high".
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website

That Friday feeling

Quick updates for you ...

Trounced the girls at tennis (although they'll claim they won the first set - it was all part of the elaborate plan by myself and Loz to throw it in order to keep them interested).

Car is ready. Will be reunited with the Blue Peril at the weekend however may not be able to afford any petrol after I get the bill. Am thinking of getting a horse.

Birthday is in chaos due to lack of personal admin and forward planning - will have to think on feet and hope friends are adaptable.

Have lapsed back into pure profit for my local gym not having been for nearly 4 weeks. May have to check I can remember the combination on my padlock for the locker before I go. It all got very embarrassing last time I locked myself out due to lengthy period of absence and my 36 (still) year old memory.

Need to work out why the bike thinks it's a good idea to randomly change gears as and when it feels like it.

Must get round to painting kitchen ceiling.

Have a great weekend.

So here's the joke ...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts down: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well, " says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, " says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.

Be my Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

It's all a bit daft isn't it? Roses doubling in price overnight, husbands and boyfriends discovering that "nothing" actually meant "something" or that "nothing" actually did mean "nothing - so why on earth did you buy that?"

But I guess if you can see through all the chintz - past all the balloons, the flowers, the oversized, over-pink cards there is something quite special about having someone tell you that you actually mean something to them - and to realise that you've found someone who means something to you.

And if you're single then I reckon it's a time to realise that you are actually doing ok.

And given that you're doing ok AND you're single - I reckon it's time to treat yourself, don't you?


So here's the joke ....

A big-game hunter goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insists on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picks up his rifle ands with his wife close behind, starts to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they finally spot her backed up against a cliff with a huge male lion standing facing her.

The wife cries, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the husband. "The lion got himself into this mess ....."
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Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website.