Tonight is the night.
The Jon Cuthill Show team (minus Alun Newman) will be turning out in shorts to help reporter Matt train for his race. He was a bit down last week so foolishly I volunteered all of us to turn out at his next army training session.
Right now I am regretting it.
Newman has been getting some serious stick for pulling out - he's claiming he can't due to the fact his house is mid kitchen fit and wife and kids need their kitchen back. I fear it may be down to him not wanting to expose his pale knobbly knees to the general public.
For all our sakes it may turn out to be the right decision as no-one deserves to witness that but he's promised to attend the next session (I have it on tape). However I think a few phone calls may need to be made to the appropriate men and women in camoflague to see if we can't spice things up with their assault course or zip line.
Am thinking of wearing my glasses tonight so they take pity on me.
Drop and give me 50.
(The dropping part's the easy bit)
So here's the joke ....
Beryl's parrot dies, so she goes to a pet shop to get a new companion. The pet shop has a sale on hamsters, so she takes one home. Next day Beryl wakes up and finds her hamster dead in the bottom of it's cage.
She takes it back to the pet shop to complain. ' I can't replace him,' says the shop keeper, 'but tell you what, why don't you try stuffing that dead hamster in a jar and leaving it for a while. Sometimes they turn into delicious jam.'
Beryl thinks that sounds crazy but decides to give it a go. She takes the hamster, places it in a jar. A month later the smell becomes too much and she decides to bury it in the garden. One month later she notices a bunch a giant daffodils growing from the hamsters grave. She goes back to tell the shop keeper about these curious goings-on.
'That's extraordinary,' says the shopkeeper ....
'Usually you get tulips from hamster jam."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Logging on
I do love my log fires.
Not entirely sure whether I'm saving the world or sending us all to an early grave by burning down bits of tree but it's one of my little treats in life. Log fire. Bottle of plonk. Heaven.
So when the clocks change and it all starts warming up a bit I can't help but be slightly disappointed that the open fire season is over. At what point in the year officially does it become too warm to have a log fire? I think it's the smokey smell I like - and the fact that you can just sit and watch the flames for hours without having to think about too much. It's probably a man thing too - all real men take control of bonfires, bbq's and log fires given the chance.
Man + stick + fire = evolution
Roll on the winter.
So here's the joke ...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a posh suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The man parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturised printer then turns to the shepherd and says,"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct, but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business .... Now give me back my dog."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Not entirely sure whether I'm saving the world or sending us all to an early grave by burning down bits of tree but it's one of my little treats in life. Log fire. Bottle of plonk. Heaven.
So when the clocks change and it all starts warming up a bit I can't help but be slightly disappointed that the open fire season is over. At what point in the year officially does it become too warm to have a log fire? I think it's the smokey smell I like - and the fact that you can just sit and watch the flames for hours without having to think about too much. It's probably a man thing too - all real men take control of bonfires, bbq's and log fires given the chance.
Man + stick + fire = evolution
Roll on the winter.
So here's the joke ...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a posh suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The man parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturised printer then turns to the shepherd and says,"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct, but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business .... Now give me back my dog."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
Don't try this at home ...
.. unless you surround yourself with cushions, pillows and duvets.
Another nugget of useless information has passed across the Jon Cuthill Show desk this afternoon and one that we'll be putting to good effect on tomorrow's show.
Apparently if you're over 30 you can't stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute. Quite why you'd want to stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute I'm not sure. But only people under the age of 30 can achieve this feat as the rest of us struggle due to a lack of balance.
I've just tried it and I can't.
I'm 37. Things like this don't help with my mid life crisis.
However there is also something you can do with a ruler to check your age. I cheered myself up no end when I discovered I was under 20.
And no - you don't have to measure a thing.
All will be explained tomorrow.
So here's the joke ...
A man staggers into Accident and Emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.That's when I made my mistake."
"Why?" asks the doctor. "What did you do?"
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Another nugget of useless information has passed across the Jon Cuthill Show desk this afternoon and one that we'll be putting to good effect on tomorrow's show.
Apparently if you're over 30 you can't stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute. Quite why you'd want to stand on one leg with both eyes closed whilst holding one ear for more than a minute I'm not sure. But only people under the age of 30 can achieve this feat as the rest of us struggle due to a lack of balance.
I've just tried it and I can't.
I'm 37. Things like this don't help with my mid life crisis.
However there is also something you can do with a ruler to check your age. I cheered myself up no end when I discovered I was under 20.
And no - you don't have to measure a thing.
All will be explained tomorrow.
So here's the joke ...
A man staggers into Accident and Emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.That's when I made my mistake."
"Why?" asks the doctor. "What did you do?"
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Monday, 7 April 2008
Raw fish and guitars
Ok - so the more observant amongst you will have noticed the much talked about revamp of my blog has failed to materialise. I'm blaming several factors.
Firstly, obviously, was the snow. Er - it's April? Where did that come from? It kind of annoys me slightly as I'm a big fan of snow but call me old fashioned I prefer it in the Winter. You know where you are then, don't you? April showers, February blizzards. August rain. Simple. It's almost like the weather is taunting me with - "I know you had a particularly dull winter but here's what I could have done."
Secondly I'm blaming a particularly nice bottle of wine at a particularly late dinner party and a particularly out of tune guitar. It doesn't take much these days for a grown up dinner party to descend into a sing song. It never fails to amaze me how many songs my four chords can conjour up. To be fair I suppose it got past the time when people were worried I was playing an A instead of an Am7 but that's what wine and friends are for. The food was terrific - a kind of Japanese meets Chinese with a raspberry pavlova to round things off.
Give me raw fish, pickled ginger and whipped cream anyday.
Finally I'm blaming the trauma that is being a Cherries fan. The result on Saturday reminded us what it's all about and just when you thought it's all over (both on and off the pitch) the lads come up with a result and a finish like that! Unfortunately some TV viewers it appears still think we lost 1-0 due to an incorrect caption but can I assure you it was 2-1.
And a bloomin' marvellous 2-1 it was too.
Anyway lots more to fill you in with - will catch up tomorrow.
So here's the joke ....
A man walks into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign saying "Lobster Tails £1 Each." The man goes up to the waitress and says, "Those must be very small tails if you're selling the so cheaply?"
"No" replies the waitress, "they're normal size."
"Then they must be pretty old?" says the man. "No" replies the waitress "they're fresh today."
"Then there must be something wrong with them!" says the man. "No," replies the waitress "they're just regular lobster tails."
"OK," says the man "I'll have one."
So the waitress takes the mans money and sits him down ....
"Once upon a time there was a big red lobster ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Firstly, obviously, was the snow. Er - it's April? Where did that come from? It kind of annoys me slightly as I'm a big fan of snow but call me old fashioned I prefer it in the Winter. You know where you are then, don't you? April showers, February blizzards. August rain. Simple. It's almost like the weather is taunting me with - "I know you had a particularly dull winter but here's what I could have done."
Secondly I'm blaming a particularly nice bottle of wine at a particularly late dinner party and a particularly out of tune guitar. It doesn't take much these days for a grown up dinner party to descend into a sing song. It never fails to amaze me how many songs my four chords can conjour up. To be fair I suppose it got past the time when people were worried I was playing an A instead of an Am7 but that's what wine and friends are for. The food was terrific - a kind of Japanese meets Chinese with a raspberry pavlova to round things off.
Give me raw fish, pickled ginger and whipped cream anyday.
Finally I'm blaming the trauma that is being a Cherries fan. The result on Saturday reminded us what it's all about and just when you thought it's all over (both on and off the pitch) the lads come up with a result and a finish like that! Unfortunately some TV viewers it appears still think we lost 1-0 due to an incorrect caption but can I assure you it was 2-1.
And a bloomin' marvellous 2-1 it was too.
Anyway lots more to fill you in with - will catch up tomorrow.
So here's the joke ....
A man walks into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign saying "Lobster Tails £1 Each." The man goes up to the waitress and says, "Those must be very small tails if you're selling the so cheaply?"
"No" replies the waitress, "they're normal size."
"Then they must be pretty old?" says the man. "No" replies the waitress "they're fresh today."
"Then there must be something wrong with them!" says the man. "No," replies the waitress "they're just regular lobster tails."
"OK," says the man "I'll have one."
So the waitress takes the mans money and sits him down ....
"Once upon a time there was a big red lobster ...."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Friday, 4 April 2008
The Green Eyed Monster
It had to happen.
Ok - so I'm still new to blogging but I suspect I may have been struck down by a serious modern day affliction. Blog Envy.
A couple of months ago life was so simple. I set up my blog and was quite happy burbling on about random things on the show and in my life. Then along comes Reporter Matt with his 10k in 10 weeks blog and the green mists have descended. His blog is amazing!!! Videos, pictures, countdown clocks, scrolling text messages ....
How on earth is an old 37 year old meant to keep up with that?
As a result I've decided to spend the weekend on the laptop at home giving my blog a makeover in true BBC Changing Rooms style. Not entirely sure what the internet equivalent of MDF is but as soon as I find out there'll be lots of it. And I suspect some lurid shade of internet paint, a few internet rugs, lamps, cushions and new door handles. If the blog is down on Monday you'll know something went seriously wrong.
If only technology would sit still idiots like me would be able to catch up with it. As it is I guess I'm destined always to be slightly behind cutting edge hanging onto my Betamax video recorder and ZX Spectrum.
Anyone for Manic Miner?
So here's the joke .....
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home her husband asks, "So, how did the appointment go?"
"He said I have the body of a 20 year old." she replies
"Oh yeah? And what did her say about your 40 year old arse?"
"He didn't mention you."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Ok - so I'm still new to blogging but I suspect I may have been struck down by a serious modern day affliction. Blog Envy.
A couple of months ago life was so simple. I set up my blog and was quite happy burbling on about random things on the show and in my life. Then along comes Reporter Matt with his 10k in 10 weeks blog and the green mists have descended. His blog is amazing!!! Videos, pictures, countdown clocks, scrolling text messages ....
How on earth is an old 37 year old meant to keep up with that?
As a result I've decided to spend the weekend on the laptop at home giving my blog a makeover in true BBC Changing Rooms style. Not entirely sure what the internet equivalent of MDF is but as soon as I find out there'll be lots of it. And I suspect some lurid shade of internet paint, a few internet rugs, lamps, cushions and new door handles. If the blog is down on Monday you'll know something went seriously wrong.
If only technology would sit still idiots like me would be able to catch up with it. As it is I guess I'm destined always to be slightly behind cutting edge hanging onto my Betamax video recorder and ZX Spectrum.
Anyone for Manic Miner?
So here's the joke .....
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home her husband asks, "So, how did the appointment go?"
"He said I have the body of a 20 year old." she replies
"Oh yeah? And what did her say about your 40 year old arse?"
"He didn't mention you."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Surf's up
Just reading the latest on Boscombe's surf reef.
The council have apparently now placed the order for the bags that will be used to create the reef which should be in place later this year. Quite excited about the whole thing and even phoned up a local surf shop to book in for some lessons as my surfing skills are a tad rusty and I want to be ready for the Autumn.
May even invest in a new board on the basis of the dream of early morning jaunts down to Boscombe for a quick surf before the show. That may prove wishful thinking though as would involve at least a 6am start and whilst the reef should help - the South coast is notoriously hit and miss for a decent bit of swell. Anyhow very excited.
The other thing I'm thinking about (yet to do anything about though) is to book in for some swimming lessons. I'll quite happily chug up and down the pool at the gym but I just want to be a little bit better at it. You see all the really good swimmers gliding up and down looking like it's no effort at all - and then I come along all arms, legs and splashes - Swan Lake it ain't!!!
Do feel a bit silly going for lessons as an adult. Last swimming lessons I had I was aged about 8 and would have to be bribed with a packet of cheese and onion crisps for afters.
So - two more things to add to the never ending list.
Here's the joke ...
A newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approaches the reception desk and tells the receptionist he wants the best for them as they were on their honeymoon.
"Will you be wanting the bridal?" asks the receptionist.
"No," says the groom "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
The council have apparently now placed the order for the bags that will be used to create the reef which should be in place later this year. Quite excited about the whole thing and even phoned up a local surf shop to book in for some lessons as my surfing skills are a tad rusty and I want to be ready for the Autumn.
May even invest in a new board on the basis of the dream of early morning jaunts down to Boscombe for a quick surf before the show. That may prove wishful thinking though as would involve at least a 6am start and whilst the reef should help - the South coast is notoriously hit and miss for a decent bit of swell. Anyhow very excited.
The other thing I'm thinking about (yet to do anything about though) is to book in for some swimming lessons. I'll quite happily chug up and down the pool at the gym but I just want to be a little bit better at it. You see all the really good swimmers gliding up and down looking like it's no effort at all - and then I come along all arms, legs and splashes - Swan Lake it ain't!!!
Do feel a bit silly going for lessons as an adult. Last swimming lessons I had I was aged about 8 and would have to be bribed with a packet of cheese and onion crisps for afters.
So - two more things to add to the never ending list.
Here's the joke ...
A newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approaches the reception desk and tells the receptionist he wants the best for them as they were on their honeymoon.
"Will you be wanting the bridal?" asks the receptionist.
"No," says the groom "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Back in the saddle
Yipppeee!!!
Finally back after what felt like a lifetime away. It was all a bit weird this morning trying to remember what to press when but really glad to be back after a monster holiday and baby sitting the breakfast show for the Cleggster.
There's so much to catch up with.
Matt is going for it with his 10k run at the end of May. It's a huge deal for him and I think he's realising how much work it's going to be but loads of great texts of support today on the show. We're sticking them up on his blog (10k in 10 weeks). Keep them coming as I suspect there may be a few more ups and downs before the big day. Thanks so much for sending them in. I'm roping in the whole team to come out on one of his training sessions next week to give him a boost so watch this space. We'll take a mic with us so listening out for it on the show.
Producer Al's a bit frazzled at the moment as he's doing in 3 weeks what I took over a year to do. Yup - a new kitchen. Being a producer though he's got it under control (apart from the stepping on the broom incident).
Has been frowning a lot and rubbing his head. Not a good sign.
The lovely Ali Leslie has gone off for a couple of months to swan about with her new showbiz mate Alan Titchmarsh and co for the BBC's coverage of Chelsea and the other RHS shows. She's into all of that sort of stuff and is only working a few desks away so we can all still see her and she can throw things back at us.
Have been sneaking off for the odd half round of golf with Lewis. We're both of a, ahem, similar standard but at least we're getting extra value for money.
Anway I'll stick up some holiday snaps up from Rome for you to have a look at - a truly beautiful city and I'd recommend it to anyone. If you're into your history (and gnocchi) you've simply got to go. Already planning to go back sometime soon.
Oh and thanks for all the calls on the subject of petrol caps. We'll get to the bottom of it tomorrow fingers crossed. And can anyone track down this tunnel beneath the Solent for us?
Anyway here's the joke ....
Two flies are having a game of football in a saucer.
"Our game had better improve soon" says one ....
"We're playing in the cup tomorrow ....."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
Finally back after what felt like a lifetime away. It was all a bit weird this morning trying to remember what to press when but really glad to be back after a monster holiday and baby sitting the breakfast show for the Cleggster.
There's so much to catch up with.
Matt is going for it with his 10k run at the end of May. It's a huge deal for him and I think he's realising how much work it's going to be but loads of great texts of support today on the show. We're sticking them up on his blog (10k in 10 weeks). Keep them coming as I suspect there may be a few more ups and downs before the big day. Thanks so much for sending them in. I'm roping in the whole team to come out on one of his training sessions next week to give him a boost so watch this space. We'll take a mic with us so listening out for it on the show.
Producer Al's a bit frazzled at the moment as he's doing in 3 weeks what I took over a year to do. Yup - a new kitchen. Being a producer though he's got it under control (apart from the stepping on the broom incident).
Has been frowning a lot and rubbing his head. Not a good sign.
The lovely Ali Leslie has gone off for a couple of months to swan about with her new showbiz mate Alan Titchmarsh and co for the BBC's coverage of Chelsea and the other RHS shows. She's into all of that sort of stuff and is only working a few desks away so we can all still see her and she can throw things back at us.
Have been sneaking off for the odd half round of golf with Lewis. We're both of a, ahem, similar standard but at least we're getting extra value for money.
Anway I'll stick up some holiday snaps up from Rome for you to have a look at - a truly beautiful city and I'd recommend it to anyone. If you're into your history (and gnocchi) you've simply got to go. Already planning to go back sometime soon.
Oh and thanks for all the calls on the subject of petrol caps. We'll get to the bottom of it tomorrow fingers crossed. And can anyone track down this tunnel beneath the Solent for us?
Anyway here's the joke ....
Two flies are having a game of football in a saucer.
"Our game had better improve soon" says one ....
"We're playing in the cup tomorrow ....."
_ _ _ _ _
Jon Cuthill is a presenter on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen to him every weekday from 9am-12.30pm, or listen again online at his website
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